I think there are three reasons why parents' words hurt their children:
1, family environment.
When a person becomes an adult, the most important behavior mode is the relationship between himself and his parents, and the other is the mode in which parents get along. Children are naturally narcissistic in all directions. As they grow up, they encounter setbacks in the external world, have no sense of control, don't know how to deal with their own internal setbacks, and become aggressive, which makes them terrible when they are two years old. Attacking internally, beating oneself, attacking externally, children throwing things, hitting people, biting people, and losing their temper with their parents. If parents can accept their children's aggression and give them gentle language, children will feel that parents like me love me, and children will gradually correct themselves and reduce physical and verbal attacks. If parents get angry and scold their children, why are you so disobedient? You don't want you anymore Children's own frustration, parents did not see, did not understand What catches your eye is the language injury of parents. Children learn to hurt by language, and when they are adults, they have no ability to accept it. Language can easily hurt people. In addition, parents' family model, complaining and complaining, children grow up in such an environment and learn to complain and complain.
2. The influence of social environment.
If you live with the lame, you will learn to limp. School environment, social environment, everyone fighting and talking are all language injuries, which are easy to be assimilated, so the story of Meng Mu's three strokes comes into being.
3. Automatic thinking habits.
The way formed since childhood has become an inertial thinking. For example, the child peed his pants, and his parents didn't look at the reason, and then said, why did he pee his pants again? Tell you how many times your child didn't do well in the exam, and parents didn't ask why, why did the exam so badly. These are all inertial thinking.
4. protect yourself.
A grumpy person, who is inherently fragile, is actually afraid of exposing his incompetence through anger, verbal violence and external authority.
How to reduce language damage?
1, realize introspection.
When children don't accept some behaviors themselves, is it useful to call a time-out, then take a deep breath and manage emotions, anger and language injuries? Then calm down and listen to the child.
2. Use it in daily chores to manage your emotions.
Everyone should learn to manage their emotions, which are caused by your inner view of things. For example, your children and other children generally have more test scores. Other children may not be so angry, but their own children will be angry. This is your inherent expectation that your child will do well in the exam, but your child just can't meet the expectation. You expected to be angry, and as a result, you put the child through the emotions.
3. Let children see their biological parents.
Parents have no wisdom, can't cope with their children, and start to get angry and hurt words to cover up their inner powerlessness. Be a real parent, admit that your growth can't keep up with your children's footsteps, and let yourself be calm when things happen, and be wise when you are calm. Education is the way to feel at ease, and language injury is the most useless way.
The biggest difference between adults and children is that adults should be like adults, be responsible for themselves, take responsibility, manage their emotions well, and apply theory to real life.
The child said, for example, a relative, a girl, 32 years old, called her Xiao B. Her mother was young because she was known not to be a virgin when she got married and was humiliated by her mother-in-law and husband, but they did not divorce. Mother-in-law and husband made things difficult for her, tortured her in every way, and gave birth to Xiao B in the second year after marriage. Mother's emotions are nowhere to be solved, so she also humiliated little B with vicious words.
Little B resolutely left home when he was seventeen. She vowed that if she had children, she would educate them well and treat them with love. Ironically, Xiao B became as hysterical as her mother after she got married, and her poisonous tongue was famous in their area. When her daughter was 4 years old, her husband couldn't stand the departure of Xiao B, and Xiao B suffered from depression. Her 4-year-old daughter is introverted and often beats and scolds her children because she has been tortured by verbal violence all the year round. Later, her husband sued her for child abuse and deprived her of custody.
Now a single father lives with his children, and he also knows the pain of little B. Not only has he not remarried, but he often helps little B. Little B's daughter has a good personality because she left her mother, but she just doesn't want to live with her mother anymore.
From a psychological point of view, parents who like to hurt their children with words are likely to be hurt by words in their childhood. This is a causal cycle, which is caused by the influence of parents' personality and words and deeds on their children. "Like parents, like son" is such a law.
Ah, this man's nose is very high-his nose is not straight enough.
What's the big deal? Isn't it just flattery? -I'm not good with people.
Husband is rich, children are obedient and have their own careers. Zhao Wei is really a winner in life-she has no husband, no money and no children, or she is not so smooth.
So if you are satisfied with yourself and feel that your life is complete, you will not blame others, but give them positive energy.
Another example is:
Alas, the work is not satisfactory, and the income is low, and it is still tiring-nothing, it will happen to anyone, and it will definitely get better if you persist (the work will be smooth and very satisfactory).
Children are noisy and disobedient-haha, aren't all children like this? What a rare parent-child time (very satisfied with one's children)
She is young, beautiful and smart, and a rich second generation! Don't let anyone live-you're fine, too. Your family is happy, your job is stable, and you are carefree. I have a better life myself.
From this perspective, if you are satisfied with your life, you won't blame others, society and injustice. The heart is perfect and beautiful, and everything is beautiful. What this conveys to children is also beautiful, and the final effect is also benign.
But if this is the case:
How so disobedient! -Strong sense of control and insecurity.
Look at others, how well they play the violin! -I also lack this accomplishment and envy people with musical talent.
You won't call back! When others hit you, you should also hit them! -lack of security, always feel that they are in a weak position.
Are you stupid? Do what others want you to do? In reality, I have to do a lot of things I don't like, and I have a sense of conflict.
Can't you be quiet ! -I have troubles in my heart, often anxious and unable to calm down.
Almost all of the above are to pass on their inner defects, unsatisfactory life and anxiety to their children. Maybe sometimes adults don't realize it, but in children's young minds, they will burn deep wounds that can't heal for a long time. Even when I grow up, I still feel that I am as abrasive as my parents scold me. If you treat your children as described above, congratulations, the genes you are most worried about will be properly passed on to the next generation. . .
To avoid this situation, first, improve yourself more, and blame your children less, or even less.
There are "seven responsibilities" in educating children in ancient China, which is worth learning;
1, irresponsible to the public: in public, don't blame the children, but give them dignity in front of everyone.
2. Regret: If children already regret their mistakes, adults should not blame them.
3. Stay up late: Don't blame your child before going to bed at night. At this time, the child was blamed and went to bed depressed, either sleepless at night or having nightmares.
4, the diet is not responsible: don't blame the children when eating. Blaming the child at this time can easily lead to weakness of the child's spleen and stomach.
5. Celebration is irresponsible: don't blame the child when he is particularly happy. When people are happy, the meridians are in an unobstructed state. If the child is suddenly blamed, the meridians will immediately hold back, which is very harmful to the child's health.
6, sadness is not responsible: don't blame the child when he cries.
7, the disease is not responsible: don't blame the child for being sick. Sickness is the most vulnerable time of human body, and children need the care and warmth of their parents more, which is more effective than any medicine.
Second, we should manage and control our emotions. Understand that this is because of our own lack of anxiety, not because of children. The child is innocent. They were born in this world, not to listen to our complaints, but to know the world and create a better world with our help and guidance.
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Lan Xiang Xiao Qingxin, a superwoman with a baby, is the author of the most comprehensive silk stockings manual in history, Sina Weibo @lunaluna008.
Wechat official account: Huluma luna, Internet/Manufacturing/Economic Life/Parenting/Chinese Medicine Practice/Female Topics.
Parents are always very emotional and difficult to control their children, so it is easy to hurt them, but this is no reason. This practice is very wrong, such as: 1, you can't compare your children with others' children, 2, you can't humiliate your children in public, 3, you have to keep your promise, but you just ask your children to keep it.
Look at the problem from another angle, because they are also children, injured children.
I have a friend who gave birth to a child three or four years ago. Her greatest wish for children can be described by a Japanese drama "Noda is like a song". She began to cultivate children's interest in playing the piano very early, such as playing some piano music for children. I also bought a toy piano specially, hoping that children can be interested in the piano. However, the child's performance seems to be difficult to satisfy her. When listening to music, I will be in a daze and feel at a loss after a while. She beat and trampled the toy piano and even threw it aside. "Silly" is the word she often describes children. When we met, she complained to me from time to time and asked me how to make my children like the piano.
I asked her why she had to let her children learn the piano. She said that children who learn piano are very smart and will have a bright future when they grow up. I asked, where did I get this feeling? She talked a lot about herself. What impressed me deeply was that she had feelings for the piano for the first time. It was an idol drama Meteor Garden in Taiwan Province Province. In the TV series, Cunningham demonstrated to Dao Mingfeng with skillful piano skills, which made her very Japanese and felt the beauty and strength of the piano. At that time, her relationship with her mother was a little stiff. Piano makes her feel the power to let go of her freedom and dreams. So she has always had a soft spot for the piano.
This makes me feel that she has placed a lot of her wishes on the piano, and the children are just the virtual containers she expects. When children can't meet their expectations, they feel disappointed, hurt and angry. This is also the reason why many parents use verbal violence against their children. Behind verbal violence are feelings of frustration and anger. From the psychoanalyst's point of view, there may be a sense of shame hidden in this anger. This sense of shame may be based on my own injury. Furthermore, if adults can't tolerate children's "naughty", it means that they can't tolerate some kind of fragility in their hearts. They may see some kind of shadow of themselves in their children.
This kind of shadow may also be produced in their childhood. Our consultants have an image term called inner children. Sometimes, when you get angry involuntarily, you might as well calm down and think about how this feeling comes from. Maybe you didn't know how you felt at first. But after a period of silence, you may find that it stems from an unforgettable experience. Scenes of this experience often occur in childhood. Maybe you will go back to the scene in front of your parents. How contemptuous they were when they spoke to you, which made you feel deeply humiliated. You want to vent, but you have to suppress it, because you are just a child.
The humiliation of childhood is deeply buried in your heart and even becomes the driving force of your achievement. Maybe you don't care in your heart, but it hasn't completely disappeared, just lurking quietly. Many people are more likely to find their own sense of powerlessness after their children are born because they have to take care of them. This means that they will become real adults, and he is probably still used to being an injured child. As a result, he found that the child could not satisfy his hopes and could not get his sense of control in the child. They will be anxious, disappointed and depressed, and their wounds will ache faintly. They deny children and deny themselves.
Children expect to be accepted and loved by their parents. If this desire is frustrated, it will be the greatest harm to them. It's a pity that many parents can't get this kind of demand themselves, and they can't give their children full satisfaction. We can see that this is a causal cycle. A person's childhood feelings are hindered and suppressed, even after adulthood, he is still an injured child. After becoming a parent, he develops emotional ties with his children, and his inner trauma will be touched inadvertently. As a result, unable to control his emotions, he will plant new wounds on his children. In this way, the wheel of the cycle of fate began to roll again, crushing the seedlings that should have thrived freely.
How to break this cycle of fate requires insight, tolerance and courage. I can understand my parents' imperfections and accept my own imperfections, learn to separate from my parents and live a mature, confident and elegant life. It is not easy to learn tolerance, and it needs to be nurtured and practiced in a tolerant environment. The simplest and most effective way is to find a psychological counselor, which may cost some money and trust, but the counselor returns professionalism, responsibility and energy. You will vent your inner pain and depression in the warm and safe atmosphere of the consulting room, and the psychological counselor can give you enough support and guide you to discover new possibilities in life.
The second is to learn to deal with trauma by yourself. You can tell yourself that when you grow up, you will have the strength to experience the emotional trauma of self-confidence. You can try to "change" your personal history and try to rebuild meaning on the basis of your traumatic memory. This requires mastering the skills of image dialogue and sufficient strength and will, because you have to fulfill the role of visitor and consultant. However, whether you are looking for a psychological counselor or dealing with your own trauma, you need to be honest with your courage and explore your motivation.
Parents often regard their children as their "property", and they can understand how to manage their own affairs and how to vent. Moreover, when some parents are under pressure, they especially want their children to share it for him and help him alleviate the pain caused by pressure. At this time, their own emotions are fluctuating and negative, and a little out of control will turn into scolding. Children, no matter how young, have self-awareness, can't fully understand the pressure of their parents, and when they are scolded by their parents, they will be very unhappy and quarrel with their parents. Coupled with the parents' bad mood, a small war will break out soon, and the winner will of course be adults, which will cause language damage to children.
In addition, parents and children are "too familiar", and you also have intimate friends who can't be unscrupulous, so be polite in front of strangers. But in any case, when adults make negative attacks on a person with conceptual judgment, they should think twice before acting, and it is best to keep a peaceful mind, so that the world will be full of love.
Moreover, parents will not hurt their children with words. Can they use force directly?
1. Family problems.
In fact, the reason is very simple, because parents of children's parents also educate their children's parents in this way. Children's parents just study and pass on this abusive education to their children. This is the transmission of affection.
For most people, they get married, have children and become parents. However, it is important to understand that being a child's parents does not mean knowing how to educate children. To be a good parent, you need to study.
However, most people don't have this awareness and want to learn how to be a good parent. So, what will they do? You can educate your familiar ready-made children without studying, and the quickest way is the way parents educate themselves. Many people will think that they were raised by their parents in this way, and there is no big problem. Then, they should continue to educate their children in the way that parents educate their children.
2. Expectations are too high
Parents will impose unfinished expectations on their children and let them complete unfinished things, such as academic success and artistic attainments. If children don't do what they want, they will be compared with other children, and they are often not confident enough. As a good educator, they should guide their interests, not impose them on themselves. Good interest cultivation is the way for children to become talents in the future.
In fact, the purpose of mothers' criticism is to protect their babies, so it is very important to convey the "danger" signal. If you criticize your baby in very emotional and negative language, they may not understand, even if they do.
When conveying "danger" to the baby, it is better to convey it to him in the baby's language and way than to say "this can't work, that can't work", such as telling him "this is dangerous, can't work" with critical eyes and serious expressions (Ma Ma, silence here is better than sound! )。 Don't say that babies under 1 year old can mumble a few words, but they may not understand the true meaning of "danger". Instead of "casting pearls before swine" (to tell the truth), mothers might as well play games to distract their babies or guide them skillfully.
Mom thinks the last thing parents should do is,
1, loudly reprimanded?
What do you need the police for if it works? ! Okay ... you're right ... it's completely wrong to take it out on the baby because you're angry. You will regret it afterwards.
2. "Bad boy" and "silly boy"?
Although the child is still not sensible, you will always leave a shadow on the baby by using negative language.
3, punishment, snoring? Throw you away?
Still thinking about corporal punishment of children in this age? You're really full ... besides, abandoning the baby casually will make the baby feel insecure (wordy? In fact, parents who have this idea should drag it out!
"Criticism" method for infants of different months;
10 months ago
What such a small baby says is useless! What is the need for criticism at a young age? He can't understand what you say, which will only increase anxiety. The best way is to eliminate the danger in advance, and adults should control their emotions when they encounter things.
10- 12 months
At this time, the baby may not fully understand the causal relationship of things. Mothers can do this: in case of danger, tell "no" with a serious expression and tone, and distract the baby in other ways.
12-24 months
/kloc-babies over 0/year-old have a certain understanding of language, so when they are in danger, their mother can say "no" to them, and tell them the reason of the danger in a gentle tone and voice in time, and explain it clearly, and he will gradually understand.
In fact, the original intention of parents is not to hurt their children, but sometimes it is difficult to control their emotions, and full love turns into harm. Sometimes they do it for the good of their children, but they just want to tell them with their own experiences that it is not good and it is right to do so. But children have their own world and their own behaviors, so there will inevitably be some contradictions in communication. If parents can't control their emotions well and change this condescending state, it is easy to hurt their children.
I feel ashamed and realistic about this question, because I sometimes do, and I regret it when I finish. There are several reasons: first, the responsibility of love is deep. Because he is his own son, I sincerely hope that he can be excellent everywhere and in all aspects. Therefore, once there is a discrepancy between reality and hope, this gap will make parents extremely unbalanced and speak a little freely. Second, some parents just want to keep their mouths shut, regardless of their children's feelings, and their quality needs to be improved. Third, all kinds of parents are under too much pressure, and sometimes they say things they shouldn't say without careful consideration. Anyway, I think parents should fully consider their children's feelings, use * * * feelings, understand their children more, communicate with them more, and don't hurt their children because of love. Verbal injury is more serious than physical injury.