In family counseling, another kind of problem is the so-called family boundaries. In different families, the understanding of interpersonal boundaries is different. Some people think that the distance between people is a little bigger, while in some families, the boundaries of this interpersonal relationship will be closer.
Narrative consultation should be cautious. Our job is not to provide him with an ideal boundary, which is different from traditional family therapy. Because in systematic or structured family therapy, we will emphasize interpersonal boundaries and role division. For example, it seems that you are obviously a child who plays the role of mother in the family, or someone is like a son although he is a husband in the family. This statement can't be found in narrative therapy.
Narrative therapy does not particularly emphasize roles and interpersonal boundaries. Why? This is related to its core idea, because it does not assume an ideal and perfect boundary, which can be placed in every family and is understandable from the perspective of cultural anthropology. It is a ethnic group, and its interpersonal boundary is a balance formed in long-term interaction. The same is true in the family. How far away we are from each other is comfortable. Psychologically, it is a relatively balanced model formed by interaction. In other words, it is a dynamic balance, not a deliberate static and measurement, telling you how far away from me. This is very interesting, that is, a person is very comfortable in the family structure formed after a long period of running-in.
However, there are two people here, who come from the family structure they have adapted to, especially many people in many cities. They all left family of origin for studying, went to another city, met, got acquainted, got married and lived together, and formed a new family, because they didn't see each other's boundaries in family of origin, and this new family is their new family structure or family distance. So as long as it doesn't cross with the family of origin, there is basically no big problem. There are many such nuclear families, who once lived a happy life, but broke up after the Spring Festival. It is necessary to discuss who will spend the Spring Festival. Some post-90s young couples even got divorced. In fact, in his psychological structure, he will keep a familiar, safe and comfortable family distance or interpersonal distance. This model is usually frozen or not used, because a new balance model has been formed at work or in the nuclear family and can be adapted. However, when two families cross, such problems will occur. We will re-evaluate the current model with the origin family model and feel that this new model has no foundation. After all, time is short and not suitable for growth. So it seems that this model is not strong enough, but the pedigree family model is more powerful. If this is the case between husband and wife, it will be more troublesome if the nuclear family, the newly established family, is in a state of turmoil when there is no compromise.
But as for who will give in and to what extent, it involves the habit of being born in a family. For example, in some families, there is especially male chauvinism. If it happens that the wife in the nuclear family also comes from such a family, there is no problem. I think this gentleman is right. But if this is not the case, if the wife comes from a more equal family culture and the husband comes from a male chauvinist family, there will be problems of control and anti-control. So, pay attention to this. It's nobody's fault, but you will find that it will become a mutual accusation in couples counseling, that is, it's your fault that you don't tolerate me. When we work in a narrative way, we can see that it's not that anyone doesn't tolerate anyone, but that he simply can't understand the kind of tolerance and expectation you said. Then how do you make him understand that expectation? At this time, we have to do some work, that is, let them present each other and present the formation process of the frame of reference he cares about. Everyone has a history of growth, which will be related to the family he grew up in and the culture of the community where that family lives.
I once received a case that reached the point of divorce. The reasons for divorce are interesting. The newlyweds insisted on divorce, but the wife found it incomprehensible and refused to divorce, and the husband did not explain. This is very embarrassing. Her husband studied psychology, and then he came to consult, and there was really no way to tell me. The reason is that this gentleman found that his wife used the same basin to wash her face and feet. He felt that this was intolerable and the only thing that could not be tolerated. Why? Because when he was studying, a male teacher admired him very much. He just got married and divorced. The teacher casually chatted with them in class and told an embarrassing story that his wife used the same basin to wash her face and feet, which made the teacher feel sick. Because this gentleman was still a student at that time and liked this teacher very much, I think what this teacher said is too reasonable. I think that if I find someone in the future, everything else can be tolerated, as long as I don't have to wash my face and feet in the same basin. As a result, I didn't know his wife's living habits because I didn't live together before. After we got together, I was very nervous, waiting to see if we used the same basin. As a result, he saw it, and then he told me that I can't get that feeling when my eyes are black now. I think the world is so strange, and the most fearful things have happened. He decided to divorce, but he likes his wife very much. There is no reason why he can't say it. In order to protect his wife's face, he didn't say it. He always uses the word disgusting to describe it.
Finally, after we finished talking, he agreed to talk to his wife, and finally the three of them talked together. Embarrassed, he slowly told the reason. His wife almost fainted when she finally understood. She thought that's why she divorced me. This is ridiculous. If it was a big deal, I wouldn't have to wash my face and feet with a basin. It's not that serious. Then his wife told him, you may not understand, this is our place. Mr. Wang said, I didn't pay attention to this problem before, but it is the same everywhere. At that time, he had a feeling that people in that place were disgusting and thought he couldn't go. Why? At the same time, he also has a strange feeling that if this is the case, it seems that it is not my wife's responsibility. This is the role of externalization and deconstruction, which can strip away the responsibility that a person should not bear, so when they see the expected pattern of the other party and deconstruct it, they can tolerate the other party. Although I was a little uncomfortable at first, I was psychologically tolerant. Especially after Mr. Wang said why he thought it was important, his wife's smile was very shocking, which made Mr. Wang feel that his previous thoughts were a bit funny. But before, he didn't have a frame of reference to understand his original expectations. He thinks this is a bottom line without problems. When he found many people like this, no problem is not the bottom line. He feels unreasonable, and he can finally get out of this mode. After that, he became more tolerant of his wife. Moreover, he had no other contradictions before, which is also the reason for the success of this case. This is the only thing he has.
Later, when I told this case, a student felt like, this is what we did there. Wash your face first, then your feet. You can't waste water because there is less water. Another classmate is more interesting, saying that the feet are definitely cleaner than the face, because the feet are not exposed, so everyone will have some interesting discussions. These discussions are a process of deconstruction, that is, no one has thought about this issue before. Let's understand, in fact, the meaning of human body parts is different in different cultures, that is, in a big cultural circle, cultures of various subcultures and places are different. There are many foods that need to be trodden on by feet, which is considered clean, but it may be difficult to understand in other places, so China on the Tip of the Tongue did not report this kind of food.
In other words, in family relations, what is the bottom line, what is the boundary, what is the expectation, and what is the standard model, different families are different, so we must hold that deconstruction mentality. The most frightening thing is that counselors set the family patterns or expectations they have learned or experienced at home as standards to evaluate the patterns of those who come to seek psychological help. This refers to marriage and family counseling. Its train of thought and basic guiding ideology are as follows. Try to look at it in a deconstructive way and their judgment on what family is.
The third sub-category is intergenerational education, or intergenerational influence. You may have heard that people who had foster care experience as children may deal with interpersonal relationships much better, but there are exceptions. I am much stronger because I was not with my parents when I was a child. In order to survive, I instinctively developed some skills, which are to please others, grandparents and relatives. It's particularly powerful, and even makes people feel that this child is very sensible, but he is very tired inside, so he often has this ability and doesn't know how to appreciate himself. I have done counseling. The visitor is a lady. She was poor when she was a child. Because her parents work in the army and can't take her after giving birth, she was put in a basket at an early age. Please ask the conductor on the train to take her to a station and give it to her grandparents. "If there are any problems in this process, I don't know where to take me. I will become an orphan." She said sadly. When grandparents' family conditions are poor, she will try her best to please them, always vaguely worried that she will be thrown away, so she will be nervous about getting on all kinds of cars, especially long-distance trains. Because of this problem, she felt so nervous as soon as she got on the bus. Later, she thought it might be related to her childhood experience. Theoretically, it seems that she is too young to have this kind of memory, but human memory is very interesting. Gerloff has done research and hasn't been born yet. Children will have memories, perinatal memories.
The point I'm talking about here is that this kind of intergenerational education has a different understanding of family, and it is this person's anxiety that makes her feel afraid of separation. Her husband cheated on her many times, and she didn't divorce him, so she felt that the word "leave" was like killing her. No matter what he did, he always used this feature to bully her. Her heart is very painful, but she knows that she dare not divorce him. The turning point of this case is that one day, she finally got up the courage to say that I want to divorce him, and as a result, her husband faded, as if remembering all her goodness again. She doesn't really want to divorce him, just that she has the strength to face the problem. She feels that she has been trying to compromise and wronged herself in order to maintain the integrity of the family structure.
There is also a common problem in family counseling, that is, there are conflicts about how to teach children, because both sides love this child and want to cultivate this child in their own way. At this time, that core value is highlighted. Because when we are cultivating children, the direction we want to cultivate is actually what we value most. For example, the husband thinks it is more important for children to get ahead, and the wife thinks safety is very important. There seems to be a contradiction between the two. Because of the inconsistency in teaching children, two people will be angry about it. They all want each other to stand on their side, raise their children in the way they expect, and let themselves see the influence of family structure, which is a bit troublesome. If grandparents come to take care of the children again, this will be in trouble. There is a struggle for the right to speak in this family, because you will think that the elderly will think that the younger generation will not take care of the children. Then the wife may feel very wronged and think that she gave birth to a child, as if it were for them to play with, so they took the child away. Many mothers have such concerns, because mothers can also disagree with grandparents or their parents to take care of their children. In particular, some of them are already nervous about family relations and complain to their parents. They will be particularly angry when they see their parents taking care of their children and using the original model. This kind of case is the most difficult to do because it involves the psychological state of several generations.
Children's attitudes towards their parents will also conflict. I've taken several cases like this, and I'm really tired and difficult. Once upon a time there was a man who had two married daughters. They come to consult, and we can't sit in the consulting room. It's like a meeting. There are six people in two families, three eldest daughters and three second daughters. The old man (his wife died) sitting there makes me feel very stressed. Because I watched them fight almost from beginning to end. It is in this family that my sister keeps her strong sister facing her father all the time, as if she is always judging what is wrong with her father. When they finished the discussion, they turned to me and said, you should treat him according to my sister's opinion. Then I thought to myself, you are all so professional. What else can I do? I'll just sit here and watch you. They died again. His father looked blank, totally disagreed with his daughters' comments, and often said "no". Then his daughter said, Yes, that's what you think. When the second daughter says this, it seems that the sons-in-law don't want to participate, and you will see the whole tension. My handling method in this consultation is to let everyone see this tension, let everyone feel that there is a power relationship in it, and see what their communication methods and communication modes are like, and what role his father played in this process. Let them see this structure, and it will be possible slowly, so that everyone has a chance to speak.
I set it up and told them that we had an agreement that everyone had a chance to speak their true thoughts, and then everyone had a chance to listen to the thoughts of other family members, instead of imposing what we thought was right and good on others. This process is very, very difficult because they are used to it at home. At first, they didn't approve of my suggestion. They think this consultant is weak, and they expect me to be better than any of them, so they can let me make a decision. But I am not a person who likes being a host. During this negotiation, when they argued, they said, Miss Li, who do you think is right? Therefore, consultation should be cautious. In particular, we look at it in this narrative way of thinking. In consultation, you don't play the role of judging who is right or wrong, but give them the opportunity to present their own structure and then deconstruct it. Then slowly, it is possible to give each of them a chance to speak.
There is a case I want to share with you, which also involves several generations. I have a visitor whose father is a senior official in a place. In fact, his father was an orphan since he was a child and was raised by the party. Her personality is very interesting, that is, she will trust others too much and blindly do what others say. I haven't met her father. According to the lady's description, it seems that everyone wants his money or wants him to do something. Her father always distrusts people, which makes her angry, because her father doesn't even believe her. What pains her most is that she looks as if her daughter has some traces of this and doesn't trust others. When she saw this kind of family "inheritance", she was very desperate. She wants to do something to see if she can adjust the model a little. However, she also felt powerless because her husband didn't believe that she could do it. She and her husband are separated.
When she is consulting, she is always in pain. She is very kind to me and has a good interpersonal relationship at work. She just wants to do the opposite, unlike her father. She will be cheated because of this, just because she deliberately trusts others. Obviously, sometimes, he thinks it is possible that the person is a liar, but believe it anyway. In fact, it is to be different from my daughter and my father. In this way, she will be very angry with herself. On the one hand, she hopes that she can trust people. On the other hand, she thinks this kind of trust is risky. Then she found that sometimes she began to distrust people from her bones and felt as if she were trying to copy the family model. Then what do I want to tell you by telling this example? That is to say, in every family, she pays attention to the boundaries, distances and ways of communication between people. Their judgment is based on his life history, which is supported by his family history.
We can't use the ideal family structure described in this textbook or the structure recognized by our psychological counselors in their own experience as a template or standard to guide visitors, which can easily become an imposition. After the most treatment, you will turn his family into yours. Then when the other person finds this problem, he will feel very, very angry, or he will think that I originally wanted to structure our family according to my ideal. As a result, you led us to the desired result. His problem is, of course. Generally speaking, the relationship between counselors and visitors is shelved, which is not easy to find, but what can visitors find? As far as he found it, when he reached a certain state, he found it unexpectedly. I didn't expect the result to be like this. Sometimes he will agree with this result, which is a successful case, and sometimes they don't agree with it, which is a failed case.
From the narrative point of view, our concern is not to agree or disagree at all, but to let him present and then let him make a choice. Because they set the direction, they must agree. So you may not be able to do family counseling well in this narrative way, but it won't be bad either. This is an interesting feature. These are three types and basic principles that you should consider in narrative family counseling.