Mother has a bad temper: hitting the child to attract her husband's attention
Source: Information Times
Many mothers will encounter such a thing: they usually think their children are cute, but they make a little mistake, but they can make themselves furious and even beat and scold their children, but they regret it afterwards. Why is "bad temper" so difficult to control as soon as it comes up? Recently, a mother told her family story in detail. After analysis by a psychologist, it turned out that she transferred her anger to her children, so she couldn't control her temper especially when she was with her children.
W's narrative: I am the mother of a ten-year-old child. I usually lose my temper easily, especially when educating children, and I always have no patience. I feel sorry every time I lose my temper.
My mother-in-law lived with us around 2003. I found that my husband and I were unhappy before. He will let me go, but now she is always arguing with me. I need my husband to accompany me, care about me from time to time, and communicate with me when I am unhappy, which he can't do.
In fact, when I educate my children, I don't respect them enough, I can't praise them in time, and I know my own problems, but I just can't change them. I really hope my husband can help me, but it doesn't work out. Sometimes because of his participation, we will quarrel in front of the children. I want to change from myself first, but I'm afraid I'll get worse.
Children are only a small part of the trouble.
Are children really as annoying as they say? Lai Liyan, a consultant of Guangzhou Weizhizhong Psychological Counseling Center, said that in fact, only about 30% of the troubles brought by children to W are caused by the bad relationship between husband and wife.
In W's narrative, he mentioned "I need my husband's concern" and "I hope he can help me when I lose my temper". The requirements for her husband have not been met, and the relationship with her mother-in-law has become more tense. Lai Liyan pointed out that if a husband doesn't know himself, he can find many reasons to "defend" him, but his dissatisfaction is accumulated in his heart. If the child has a slightly dissatisfied performance, these dissatisfaction will be vented on him.
In addition, W has expectations for the child, hoping that he is a good boy in his imagination, which also includes the desire to control ZHI in family relations, but it is difficult to control ZHI's husband and mother-in-law, so the child once again becomes the focus of venting.
Lai Liyan pointed out that anger like this is very common, and the punishment for children is often heavier than the mistakes he made. If you have the same trouble, you might as well observe whether you are more dissatisfied with the relationship between husband and wife.
Love is not enough, so it is difficult to give.
"When educating children, I don't respect him enough, but I can't change it." A mother may be very sad to see this sentence. Why can't she change this habit? Lai Liyan gave two reasons.
The first reason is that I want to attract my husband's attention by beating and scolding my children, because my husband may come to take care of me when I lose my temper. But how much can he do? Like W's experience, "on-the-spot advice" often makes anger worse. Lai Liyan pointed out that the focus should be shifted first. Husband's usual concern is much more useful than his intervention when he loses his temper. If she can tell her husband what he needs, he will do better than now.
The second reason may be related to W's family background ... family of origin refers to the family where we grew up, and the family affection model we have contacted will continue to our own family in the future. Lai Liyan said, if you think there is always something unpleasant about family relations, you'd better recall what your old family was like. Are there any similar problems? If you don't form the habit of love before, even if you want to give your child more love, you will feel that you can't get it out.
How can a grumpy mother improve her mood?
Become a positive factor in the family.
Is it because there is no habit of falling in love, and the bad habit of bad temper can't be changed? Lai Liyan said that family relations are composed of many factors, one of which radiates positive energy, and other factors will change accordingly. Like W, many mothers wish they could make some changes first. Lai Liyan gave some suggestions.
First of all, take care of children's emotions. Children are forming a system to evaluate themselves and others. "What is my fault and what is not?" "Am I worse than others?" "Is this my fault?" . It can be said that in his little head, any information from his parents will be added to the system. Quarrel in front of the child and give him some inappropriate punishment is a kind of harm to his evaluation system. Therefore, it is necessary to tell children that sometimes it is not his fault to be grumpy, but the mother's own reason.
The second is to find support outside the family. After giving birth to children, some mothers' life circles have also narrowed, and they are preoccupied with family. Good family relationships can make people feel very happy, but we must pay attention to whether we have other ways to vent our emotions. If we have troubles but can't find someone to talk to and support, our emotions will easily focus on a family member.
Finally, when W realizes that he has some problems, he should pay more attention to introspection. For example, he has little communication with his husband, but he wants him to care about himself unconditionally and find out "what I need" by himself. He should try to think about whether he is also responsible for such a problem.
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Several situations about beating children
Never hit a child in six situations!
There should be many people who believe that there are no bad children, only unqualified parents. People who hold this idea will definitely object to hitting children, and even think that hitting children is stupid, because parents are incompetent and will not educate their children in a scientific way.
Indeed, many times, you can't hit children.
1. Children make mistakes because their parents didn't tell them not to do it in advance, or their parents didn't make it clear.
The mistakes made by children are also made by parents themselves.
Mom and dad don't know what to do in this regard. When children don't set a good example in this respect, don't beat them in a hurry. It's not too late to punish yourself when you correct your mistakes in this area and know what to do when you encounter such a thing.
Parents can't hit their children in a rage.
Because hitting children at this time is often just to vent their anger, they often lose their sense of proportion when they are punished and ignore the reasons why children make mistakes. It is also difficult to explain to the child why he should be beaten, and it is easy to accidentally hurt the child. You should wait until your anger has subsided and your mind is clear before you impose punishment.
4. Children with the following special physical and psychological conditions can't fight: children with hyperactivity and neurological disorders, very sensitive children, and children whose feelings have been hurt.
5. Don't hit children under 3 years old.
According to the theory of personality development stage put forward by psychologist Eriksson, 3-year-old children are in the game stage and have a strong sense of autonomy. At the same time, their conscience and moral sense also developed, and self-unity began to appear. However, children before the age of 3 have not appeared or just developed. Even if some children are too naughty, the time of corporal punishment can only be advanced to 1.5 years old, and infants under 1.5 years old must never be corporal punishment. Because at this age, children's activities are mainly to meet physiological needs, mainly a series of conditioned reflexes brought about by eating and drinking Lazarus, which are unconscious. At this stage, corporal punishment of children will affect their normal physiological and psychological reactions, leading to their unhealthy body and mind.
1 ~ 3-year-old children are in a stage of vacillation between autonomy and shyness and doubt. The child soon learned many skills such as walking, crawling, pushing, pulling and speaking, and learned how to grasp and release. They not only apply these abilities to objects, but also control and excrete urine. In other words, children can now decide to do or not to do something at will. Parents must complete the task of carefully caring for their children's behavior in a socially acceptable direction without hurting their self-control and sense of autonomy. If parents use corporal punishment, children will feel suspicious and experience shyness.
Parenting tips: At this age before the child is 3 years old, it is often the biggest headache for parents to help their children in the face of unreasonable noise. They should control their children, and don't use corporal punishment. What should we do?
You might as well use the following methods to educate children who have made mistakes:
-Cold treatment.
When a child makes unreasonable noise, don't pay attention to him, let alone give him positive stimulation, lest the child establish a conditioned reflex between the noise he makes and the satisfaction of adults.
-Natural consequences law.
For a child who likes to touch things, he can touch hot food without causing physical harm, so that he can directly realize the harm.
Tell the child with an angry expression that his behavior is wrong.
You can write your anger on your face. At this stage, children have learned to act according to adults' faces. Seeing the angry expression of adults, many children will stop their wrong behavior.
-Explain the truth.
Explain some simple truths to your child and make it clear that doing so will bring him direct harm. For example, if you touch a water bottle, you will be burned and hurt like an injection.
Play as little as possible after 6.6 years old,/kloc-children after 0/2 years old cannot play.
Generally speaking, corporal punishment should be reduced as much as possible after children are 6 years old, and it should be completely stopped when they are 12 years old. After the age of 6, most children have entered the school, and their self-awareness of Zhu has developed well and their self-esteem has become stronger and stronger. They have begun to work hard, eager to bring all kinds of achievements with their own ability and diligence. At this time, corporal punishment is easy to hurt the child's self-esteem, make him lose the successful experience necessary for growth, affect the healthy development of personality, and form a negative and inferior personality; Moreover, corporal punishment was carried out during this period, and children can clearly remember the corporal punishment of their parents, which cast a shadow on their hearts.
After entering adolescence, children's body movements, cognition and moral sense gradually improve, and gradually form a complete and unified self. They strongly feel that they are an independent and unique individual, and they have strong requirements for knowing themselves, expressing themselves and publicizing themselves. If the child is subjected to corporal punishment at this time, he will feel that this is a serious practice of his personality and will have a strong resistance. Some boys will even have some revenge and resistance. Moreover, with the increase of knowledge, they will clearly know that this behavior of their parents violates the law on the protection of minors and is an illegal and wrong behavior, so they will have a bad impression on their parents and think that they do not abide by the law.
You can hit a child in four situations.
In China, it is an indisputable fact that parents beat their children. When interviewing parents now, I found that although a few people don't hit their children, most people will. If you think that "if you don't fight, you will lose your weapon", "if you fight, you will be close; if you scold, you will love; if you don't fight, you will be evil". If you often can't make your child obey the rules through positive encouragement or reasoning, then you may think that under the following circumstances, parents may be able to intimidate their children by "fighting" and make them turn over a new leaf.
1. If children like to touch some dangerous things and go to some unsafe places, but the children are too young to understand the seriousness of what they are doing, or understand but can't control themselves, there is not enough time to look after them at home. For example, many children like to fiddle with the power plug, open the water bottle and play with fire. If we stop them in time and effectively, it will have unimaginable consequences.
2. Some behaviors, habits and psychological tendencies of children may develop into illegal or immoral behaviors when they grow up. For example: steal money from home to buy things you like; There are also many little boys who like to beat and scold the weak children and take pleasure in it.
3, too selfish, self-centered tendency is serious, and there is no place for others in my heart.
Some spoiled children never want to share their own things with others, and they don't know how to care about others. In the long run, it is difficult to get along with classmates after entering school, and it is impossible to adapt to society after entering society. For children who show this tendency, parents should help correct them in time.
4. Parents or teachers have repeatedly reminded him that there are rules, but he still intentionally fouls, or after the foul, he doesn't admit his mistake at all. Next time he wants to commit another crime, he can hit the child. Simply put, you can beat him if you don't change after repeated education.
Special reminder: children can't beat children around. Although I advocate that children can be beaten under certain circumstances, this is not going to the other extreme: beating children cruelly or mindlessly, no matter where they are caught, whether in the head or face. Do not use any tools, such as whips, slippers, etc. Just spank with your hands, never pat the child's head, eyes or ears.
When implementing corporal punishment, we should pay attention to the following points:
1, punished in time, unable to settle accounts. We must adhere to the principle that mistakes must be punished, so that the wrong things done by children can be linked to the unhappiness caused by punishment. In this way, when he does these wrong things again in the future, he will immediately think of the unpleasant experience brought by punishment.
2. Explain the truth and tell the children what to do next time. When punishing, tell the child why he hit him. Beating people can only prevent the wrong behavior from happening again, but it can't bring the right behavior by itself. Only by letting children understand their mistakes and the harm they have caused will they not make them again. Because the child is still young, even if he really said "I won't dare next time", he may not know what to do next time. Therefore, it is necessary for parents to guide their children correctly and tell him the correct method. Moreover, we should also consider whether the practice we put forward is beyond the boundaries of children and whether the advice we give him is easy to do, not that children can't do it at all.
Don't hit the child in front of outsiders. Although children are small, they have their own face, especially in front of friends. He doesn't want to fall behind. Once others know that they have been beaten, older children may think it is a great shame like adults.
4. You can't beat children often. As the saying goes, "If you scold often, you are not afraid to fight often." If children are often beaten, they will become "hard and soft, invulnerable" because they have been through many battles. Remember, corporal punishment is definitely not the main means of education.