==Gentlemanlike==
The geography teacher asked Xiao Ming: What is the shape of the earth?
Xiao Ming answered: The earth is round.
The teacher asked again: How do you know it is round?
Xiao Ming replied: Let’s just consider it square. You're a teacher and I don't want to start an argument over this!
==The consequences of going your own way==
A tourist saw a sign on the roadside that read: This road is closed. And the front looked very beautiful, so the tourist continued to walk forward, and he turned a corner and couldn't pass it. When I returned to the intersection, I saw the back of the sign saying: You deserve it if you don't listen.
==Best American Joke==
Two hunters from New Jersey were hunting in the woods. A man suddenly fell to the ground, rolled his eyes, and stopped breathing. Seeing this situation, the companion picked up his mobile phone and called the emergency center. He shouted to the attendant in panic: "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The attendant said gently: "Don't be nervous, don't worry, I'll help you. But you have to make us believe that he is really Dead."
There was silence...and then there was a gunshot. The hunter picked up the phone again and said: "Okay, what next?"
==Best British Joke==
A woman sat on the bus with a child in her arms. ***car. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said: "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!"
The angry woman walked to the last row, sat down, and said to a man next to her: "This driver just insulted me!" the man replied: "Hurry up and settle the score with him, and I will hold this ugly monkey for you!..."
==Canada's best joke==
The Canadian space agency began sending astronauts into space for the first time, but they soon received reports that the astronauts could not write with a ballpoint pen in a weightless state. So, it took them 10 years and $12 billion to finally invent a ballpoint pen. This kind of pen is suitable for weightlessness, body stand, water, any flat object, and minus 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians have always used pencils in space.
==Germany's Best Joke==
The general noticed that a soldier was behaving strangely: he always picked up a used piece of paper, looked at it, and then threw it aside , and murmured at the same time: "No, that's not what you want!" The general ordered a psychiatrist to see the soldiers. After examination, the psychiatrist wrote: This person has a mental disorder and is not suitable to be a soldier.
The soldier picked up the medical certificate and said happily: "By the way, this is what I want!"
==Australia's best joke==
1 A woman came to the hospital anxiously. "Doctor, show me quickly! When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and I was so scared. My hair was standing on end, my face was wrinkled, my face was pale, my eyes were red, and I looked like a dead person. How could I "Yes, doctor?"
The doctor examined the patient carefully and said, "Well, I can tell you with certainty that there is no problem with your vision!"
==Two jokes about English people talking about Scots and Irish==
1. An Irishman called a travel company: "How long will it take me to fly to London?" The clerk wanted to know. Looking at the plane schedule, he said to him: "(Please wait) one minute, sir!" "Thank you very much!" The Irishman replied with satisfaction and hung up the phone.
2. A Scotsman returned home from England. The family asked: "How was it in London?" The Scotsman replied: "Not bad! Those English people are very strange. When I stayed in the hotel, they knocked on the wall next to me like crazy people all night." "Then you were then What are you doing? "I didn't do anything! I just played the flute all night!"
==Waiting for the bus==
Catching the bus to work this morning. By that time, the car had started. So I shouted while chasing: "Master, wait for me, master, wait for me!..." This is when a passenger stuck his head out of the window and said to me: "Wukong, don't wait for me." If you chase me, Bajie will hump you!"
==It's hard to obey==
A girl was sitting on the seat, chewing gum desperately in her mouth, but stretching her legs He was discovered by the teacher in the passage next to the desk.
"Mary!" the teacher called her sternly. "Teacher, what's the matter?" the girl replied. "Take the gum out of your mouth and put your feet in it!"
==Death penalty==
In the prison, a death row prisoner was restless. A kind-hearted guard said to him: "Don't be afraid, the electric current is very strong, it only lasts for a blink of an eye, and there is no pain at all." At this time, screams came from the execution ground. "What's the sound?" the condemned prisoner asked tremblingly. "I don't know either." The guard said and went to the execution ground to see what happened. "Nothing, there was a power outage, so I had to use candles." The guard said calmly.
==Water Splashing Festival==
On the Water Splashing Festival, everyone splashed water on each other to bless each other. Suddenly one person cursed: Damn, who splashed on me? Others advised: Splashing on you is a blessing to you. The scolder said: Don't do this, who poured boiling water on me?
==Overtime==
It is common for advertising companies to work overtime. Every six o'clock in the afternoon, many colleagues will call home to inform them that they will work late at night and cannot return. It’s time for dinner at home. I always feel sad when I listen to it, but once, a colleague who is a father called home, which made people feel warm and interesting: "Hey, are you Peter Pan? Are you talking to Supergirl?" "The Invincible Iron King Kong will not go back to Huaguo Mountain to eat peaches today, bye!"
==Centipede Travel==
A lonely man bought a centipede as a gift and put it away! Take home in a box. Later, he wanted to go for a walk with his new friend, so he knocked on the box and said, "Hey, brother, let's go for a walk?" The box made no sound. After a while, the man knocked on the box again and said, "Would you like to go out for a walk?" The centipede still didn't answer. He decided to ask one last time, so he put his face against the box and shouted: "Hey, are you interested in going for a walk?" Finally a faint voice came from the box: "I heard you when you called me the first time, I'm busy putting on my shoes!"
==The consultation fee is too high==
Psychiatrist: "I have been too impatient and nervous recently, so I need to see a psychiatrist. Look. "Friend: "But aren't you the best doctor in your field?" Psychologist: "I know, but my consultation fee is too expensive."
==West Point==
p>My father, brother and I went to West Point to watch a football game between the Army and Boston University. Before the game started, we walked around and met many cadets in neat uniforms.
Several tourists asked the recruits if they would be willing to pose for their photos. "So that our son knows what he will get if he comes to West Point." A middle-aged couple walked up to a very beautiful female cadet and asked her if she would like to pose for a photo. They explained: "We want our son to know what he missed by not coming to West Point."
==Exam room incident==
Every time I take an exam, I cut eighty or ninety Score, play as he pleases in the examination room, and win two scoring titles. Do you really think I did that alone? But seriously! The exam is for a group of people...the midterm exam room. No, it's the final exam, there are 20 seconds left before handing in the paper, and McGrady plans to cheat. The dean of the department was standing next to him. Nonsense, it was the principal. Whatever, he passed the note anyway... With 10 seconds left, McGrady got the answer! In the last 3 seconds, he still needs a fill-in-the-blank question! The answer came through and the entire examination room tried to stop him! But he copied it. It's the left hand! Oh my God! Even the teacher was moved to tears. But that piece of paper said: Neither would I... Yes, that was it at the time.
1. The reporter asked: Hou Yi, why did you shoot at the sun? Hou Yi: Someone paid. Reporter: Why did you leave one behind? Hou Yi: They only paid nine! Reporter: Why leave this alone? Hou Yi: It also paid for it!
2. Reporter: Why did you help Tang Monk to obtain Buddhist scriptures in the first place? Wukong: It’s not just for academic qualifications! Reporter: Is academic qualifications really that important? Wukong: I am a gangster serving a sentence at the foot of Wuzhishan Mountain, and now I have become a fighting and victorious Buddha. Do you think it is important?
3. An ugly girl was unable to get married and hoped to be trafficked. One day, her dream came true and she was kidnapped. However, the material could not be sold. The kidnappers wanted to send her back. The ugly girl refused to get out of the car. The kidnappers He gritted his teeth and said to his accomplice: Let’s go, I don’t want the car!
4. Two robbers broke open the door of the fashion store and robbed it wantonly. Suddenly a robber exclaimed: Oh my God! His accomplices were startled, thinking someone was coming, and asked what was going on.
The robber said: Look, these clothes are priced at 30,000 yuan, what a robbery!
5. The stewardess advised the passengers to wear seat belts: The last time the plane made an emergency landing, those who did not wear seat belts were all bruised and bloody. A passenger asked: What about those who wore seat belts? The stewardess replied: It’s okay, they are all sitting well, just like living people
6. A death row prisoner was led to the gallows, and he begged to put a noose around him. Around your waist, never around your neck. He said: My neck is very ticklish. If I put a noose around my neck, I will die laughing.
3. When you wake up tomorrow, there will be a mosquito lying on your pillow, and there is a suicide note next to you. It says: I struggled all night but could not pierce your face. You are so thick-skinned. I have no shame in living in this world! Lord, forgive him! I committed suicide.
12. Wolf pups are vegetarian from birth. Wolf parents and wolf mothers racked their brains to train their wolf cubs to hunt. Finally, the Sirius parents were delighted to see their son chasing the rabbit. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit and said fiercely: Boy! Hand over the carrot!
2. A British, a Chinese and a Japanese compete in marksmanship. They found a woman and tied her to a tree, but instead of beating her, they put something on top of her head. The first one was an Englishman. He put an apple on the woman's head. There was a "pop" sound, and the apple was smashed into pieces. The Englishman calmly blew on the muzzle of the gun and said: " I'm Zorro" (meaning he is a sharpshooter). The second one was a Chinese man. He put a grape on the woman's head. There was a "pop" sound, and the grape was smashed into pieces. The Chinese man calmly blew on the gun and said: "I 'm Bond" (meaning he's 007). Now comes the Japanese man. People thought he would put something small like sesame seeds, but who knew he put a watermelon bigger than a human head? He stared at it for more than 3 hours, and only heard a "pop" sound, and the woman The brain is in pieces. At this time, the people nearby shouted: "Here comes the murderer", but the Japanese calmly blew the muzzle of his gun and said: "I'm sorry."
3 , in order to test the strength of the police in the United States, Hong Kong, and mainland China, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests to see who of the three police officers could find the rabbit first.
The first forest is before The American police first spent half a day in a meeting to formulate a combat plan and strictly divided the labor. Then they sent special forces to quickly enter the forest to conduct a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away, and the mission failed!
Then It was the turn of the Hong Kong police. They sent more than a hundred people and dozens of police cars to line up outside the forest. The leader used a loudspeaker to shout Rabbit, Rabbit, you have been surrounded, come out and surrender... . Half a day passed, but there was no movement. The Flying Tigers entered the forest and searched again, but no results were found. The mission failed!
Finally there were Chinese policemen. There were only four of them. They played mahjong for a day first, and each of them got a piece of mahjong at dusk. The baton entered the forest, and within five minutes, I heard the screams of animals coming from the forest. A Chinese policeman came out smoking a cigarette, talking and laughing, dragging behind him a bear with a bruised nose and swollen face. The bear was dying and said that he wanted to stop. If you hit me again, I will be a rabbit...
4. The little white rabbit was walking in the forest. When he met the big bad wolf, he came up and gave it to the little white rabbit. Two big ear stickers, saying "I told you not to wear a hat". The little white rabbit retreated aggrievedly.
The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the big bad wolf again. He walked up to the little white rabbit and gave the little white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I Let you wear a hat."
Rabbit was depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.
After explaining the situation, Tiger said, "Okay, I understand. I will handle this matter. You have to trust the organization." That same day, the tiger found his buddy, the big bad wolf. "It's not right for you to do this. It's making it difficult for me." After saying that, he wiped the cigarette ashes falling on the table: "Do you think this is okay? You can say, Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat." Go! She asked for a fat one, and you said you wanted a thin one. Then you can beat her up, Tutu. I’m looking for a woman. She’s looking for a plump one, and you say you like a slim one. She’s looking for a slim one, and you’re looking for a plump one. You can beat her properly and forcefully.” The big bad wolf nodded frequently and clapped his hands, and his respect for the tiger once again reached a new peak.
Unexpectedly, the above guidance work was overheard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I feel this hatred in my heart.
The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence, the big bad wolf came towards him. The Big Bad Wolf said: "Rabbit, come here and find me a piece of meat." Rabbit said: "Then, do you want a fat one or a thin one?" After hearing this, the Big Bad Wolf's heart sank. Another joy, I said to myself, luckily there is Plan B. He then said: "Tutu, find me a woman quickly." Tutu asked: "So, do you like plump ones or slim ones?" The big bad wolf was silent for 2 seconds, raised his hand and said more I gave Tutu two big-eared posts. "Damn, I told you not to wear a hat."
5. A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director convened a meeting with the patients. At the meeting, the director said: "This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome, all patients stand on both sides of the hospital door, standing neatly. When I cough, everyone applauds. The more enthusiastic the better; everyone must stop when I stamp my feet, and no one can make a mistake. As long as everyone is done, we can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. If one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember. Are you in?" The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"
That afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he walked into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door. At this time, as the director coughed, all the patients clapped and welcomed him, and the atmosphere was very warm. The visiting leaders were infected by the warm atmosphere and walked into the hospital with smiles on their faces and applause with everyone. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the director stamped his foot, and all the applause stopped. It was very neat. Only this leader continued to move forward with a smile and applause. The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd, strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily - "You don't want to eat steamed buns anymore?" ? ! ”
6. There was a lunatic who got a pistol from somewhere. He was walking in a small black alley.
Suddenly I met a young man. Without saying a word, I put him on the ground and put a gun to his head! Asked: 1+1=how many?
The young man was frightened! After pondering for a long time, I answered: equal to 2```? Psycho shot him without hesitation! Then he pulled the gun into his arms and said coldly: You know too much
7. A young lady who just got her driver's license was driving. The car suddenly stalled at the intersection and couldn't start. , so she had to watch the red light turn into yellow light, watch the yellow light turn into green light, watch the green light turn into red light again, but she couldn't leave! The traffic policeman on the side couldn't help it anymore and came over and asked: Why, isn't there a color you like yet?
8. [Scene 1]
Teacher: Do you honestly smoke?
Boy A: No.
Teacher: No Suck? Well, let's eat some French fries.
Boy A naturally stretched out his two fingers and took it...
[Scene 2]
Teacher: Do you smoke?
Boy B: No.
Teacher: No? Well, let’s eat French fries.
Boy B Because I heard A’s situation, I took the fries very carefully
Teacher: Why don’t you dip some ketchup on it?
B accidentally dipped too much, so he immediately used two fingers. Bounce the DD
Teacher: You are very skilled in the posture of not inhaling the ash. Call the parents...
〔Scene 3〕
Teacher: Do you smoke?
Boy C: No.
Teacher: No? Okay, let’s eat French fries.
Boy C has a front Two examples of eating French fries very carefully and sweating
Teacher: Why don’t you take some fries back to your classmates?
Boy C took the fries and put them on his ears. ………………
[Scene 4]
Teacher: Do you smoke?
Boy D: No.
Teacher :Very good. Let’s eat some French fries
The boy finished the fries with fear and put the fries in his coat pocket
The teacher suddenly shouted: The principal is here.
The boy Ding Gan hurriedly took out the chips from his pocket and threw them on the ground, stamping them hard with his feet...
[Scene 5] < /p>
Teacher: Do you smoke?
Boy: No.
Teacher: Very good. Let’s eat some French fries
The boy just took it Holding the fries,
The teacher said: Won’t you treat me to some?
The boy hurriedly handed over the fries with both hands, and then took out the lighter………………
〔Scene 6〕
Teacher: Do you smoke?
Boy: No. Teacher: Very good. Let’s eat some potato chips
Boy After finishing the fries with fear, he put the fries into his jacket pocket again
The teacher suddenly shouted: The principal is here.
The boy's palms were already sweating and he lowered his head and said. :Hello, principal!
Teacher: The principal will smell the taste in your mouth.
The boy took out the French fries from his pocket: OK, they are still here, Huo I haven’t even ordered it yet...
[Scene 7]
Teacher: Do you smoke or not?
Boy: Promise to God, I will never smoke.
p>
Teacher: You really don’t want to smoke? Okay, let’s eat French fries.
Boy: It’s very natural to take the fries and eat them all.
Teacher: That’s true. Good boy, what brand of French fries do you usually like?
Boy: [get carried away] Greater China...
[Scene N]
Teacher: Let’s eat some French fries!
Boy: Thank you, no
9. A luxury ship carrying passengers from all over the world has been loaded with an iceberg and is about to sink. .
. The captain, in order to encourage the passengers to jump into the sea to escape,
said to the Chinese, "It looks like delicious fish are swimming."
To the North Koreans, "Now is the chance to escape." Oh, if you jump now, you don’t have to go back to Korea and Japan."
To the British, "As a gentleman, you have to jump now."
To the Germans , "You should jump according to the rules."
To the Italians, "A beautiful woman just jumped."
To the Americans, "If you want to be a hero, just jump."
To the Russians "The vodka bottle was washed away, it's too late to chase it now"
To the French "Please don't jump"
Yes Japanese "Everyone has jumped, why don't you jump?"
Crew: "Captain! The Koreans are still here!
Captain "Leave him alone!"
Crew: "Why?
Captain: "If he jumps into the sea to escape, we will be in trouble.
He will demand apology and compensation from us because his clothes got wet."
10. The US leader: "The United States has a flight plan to land on Mars"
The Russian leader: "Russia has a flight plan to explore the moon again"
Japan The leader: "Japan has a plan to launch an unmanned probe to the moon."
The leader of South Korea: "What you do is nothing. We in South Korea have a plan to land a manned rocket on the sun." Heads of state: "If we do that, the astronauts will be scorched!"
South Korean leader: "We in South Korea are not fools. We are preparing to land at night!!"
10. Americans A group of five people, Germans, Japanese, French and Koreans, were killed in the snowy mountains. When all the people were about to starve to death, God gave them four pieces of bread. God apologized and said, "With my strength, I can only prepare four loaves of bread now. I'm so sorry, but the nation among you that has contributed the least to mankind will have to make sacrifices." The five people knelt down in front of God while shedding tears. Come down, each crying and complaining.
The Americans said: "We can build a spacecraft that can go farther."
The Germans say "we can make safer cars."
The Japanese say "We can make higher-performance electronic instruments."
The French say "We can create better art and French cuisine."
While they were all thinking "What can the Koreans say?", the Koreans shouted loudly, "Why is the bread not buttered?!" He had already swallowed it. The fourth bread.
11. All the bullets are used up!
American soldier: Can you give me a mortar immediately?
French soldier: It is not too late to declare neutrality now
Japanese soldier: Suicide
Russia: How about defecting after victory?
Korean (shouting at the enemy): All the bullets have been fired because of you!