0 1 ran's troubles
Ran is different from other clients who come to consult. Most visitors don't know their own problems clearly, and they often beat around the bush in consultation, or avoid talking about the core issues. After sitting down, Ran came clean about his problems.
Ran said: At present, I have two serious problems. One is the relationship with my mother-in-law, who always tries to interfere in my life. The second is the relationship with your family. I have made many sacrifices for them, but they are still not satisfied. While demanding me, I still have a lot of dissatisfaction.
After several consultations, I learned about Ran's living conditions and core demands. I asked her: Do you see * * * in your relationship with your mother-in-law and parents?
Ran said: If there is one thing in common, it is that all three of us are not satisfied with the current situation.
I said: in fact, the similarity between the three of you is that you all think that you have paid a lot in each other's relationship and have resentment.
Me and my mother-in-law
Mr Ran He has been living with his in-laws since he got married. Ran feels constrained and controlled by her mother-in-law, from what clothes to wear when going out, what jewelry to wear, what plans for career development, to buying a house.
Ran said: The most typical example is that she has repeatedly interfered with my economic whereabouts. Once she found out that I was subsidizing my parents' home, she used various excuses not to accompany my children to interest classes and help me with my children, thus coercing me to make concessions.
I asked: shouldn't it be parents' business to send their children to interest classes and take care of them? Why do grandparents cook for them?
Ran said: Teacher Wang is a mother-in-law, psychologically not weaned, and likes playing games like a child. Going home is just hiding in the house and playing games. You can't expect him to educate your children. Usually busy with work, I can't take care of the children. On weekends, I have to go back to my parents' house to help with the children. My mother is too busy to take care of five children at home alone.
I asked: How busy are you at work? I am too busy to take care of my children, but I have time to take care of my brother and sister's children on weekends. Won't my children be disappointed?
Ran said: I can actually take care of the children after work. On the one hand, I am too tired to take them. On the other hand, my mother-in-law doesn't trust us and won't let us take it. After one or two trips, the children will live with their grandparents. The children also expressed their desire to live with us, but we didn't take any action to change the current situation.
My father, mother and I.
Ran's parents are all farmers in the village. They didn't dig much money in the soil with their backs on the loess, but they have three sons at home. In order to marry their son, they borrowed money to build three houses. As soon as Ran graduated, she took on the responsibility of paying debts for her family, and at the same time, she had to prepare the wedding for her brother and sister-in-law.
Ran's three brothers all went out to work after they got married, and Ran's mother took care of her grandchildren in her hometown.
I asked: You said my mother-in-law was always afraid that you would subsidize her family. Is it really subsidized?
Ran said: Be sure to make up! I didn't have any savings when I got married after graduating from college. In fact, my salary is very high, but most of it is used to pay off my father's debts and marry my brother.
I asked: Why should we subsidize them?
Ran said: What if I don't subsidize? My brother and sister-in-law have an average income, and they have to make money to buy a house in the town. If I don't subsidize, the children can't even drink milk powder; I don't make up for it. How can my mother live with five children alone?
I said: isn't raising children your brother and sister's business? How did it become your business? Is your income much higher than that of your brother's sister?
Ran said: My brother and sister-in-law have no education, so they can't earn money by working outside. My monthly income is about 20 thousand. They claim to save money to buy a house, so they never send living expenses home. Do you think I can watch my mother have no food at home?
But strangely, my brothers and sisters are not grateful for my efforts, as if they take everything I do for granted, and sometimes even push their noses and faces to dislike that I have paid too little and the children's lives are not good enough. My parents also joined the ranks of eldest brother and sister-in-law. They often say that my family is for me to go to college alone, and my brothers have no chance to go to college. Now that I have a good life, I should support them.
I said: It sounds like you have devoted a lot of manpower and financial resources to your mother's family, and you seem to get more complaints and dissatisfaction.
Ran was silent.
04 Rande's mother-in-law
When asked about her mother-in-law's economic control over Ran, she encountered great problems, because her mother-in-law and her father-in-law had good incomes and were not thrifty in spending money, and she could not find a reasonable explanation for her mother-in-law's control over Ran's spending money. What is the motivation behind mother-in-law's intervention in subsidized families? To this end, I gave Ran homework and spent time understanding her mother-in-law's past.
After a while, Ran told me the story of her mother-in-law.
Ran's mother-in-law, Cui Fen, is a woman who has suffered a lot. When she was young, she was pregnant with her first child because her family was too poor to take care of her health. The formed baby boy miscarried and then gave birth to four daughters in a row. Cui Fen lived in the countryside at that time, and no man in the family would be bullied.
Triffin is stubborn and strong-willed, vowing not only to give birth to a man with a handle, but also to lead the whole family to live a decent life, so she worked hard and caught the baby at the same time. Triffin's husband is weak by nature and has no opinion. Triffin should take care of everything at home.
Cui Fen is a capable woman. When her fifth child was born, she had already opened a big shop in the town.
Cui Fen's brothers have all gone out to serve as soldiers, leaving only elderly parents and sisters at home, and no one has done farm work of more than ten acres. When she has no money, she gets up early to do her own work and does her parents' work in the dark. With a little money, Cuifen began to plan to build a house for her brothers, marry a daughter-in-law and buy a dowry for her sister.
However, her brothers and sisters and parents don't like her. They think that triffin is too lenient. She pretends to be a benefactor, and she wants to run out and give orders. Decades have passed, and the relationship between Cuifen and her family has not eased. Triffin often complains that her family pays good for evil.
05 Ran's Way Out
I asked Ran: Knowing my mother-in-law's experience, have you found anything similar?
Ran said: I seem to be following an old road that my mother-in-law walked. We are all making a lot of sacrifices and efforts for our parents' family, but all we get is complaints and dissatisfaction.
I said: yes, it seems that your experience is exactly the same, and your emotions are similar. This can explain why my mother-in-law is not stingy with her money, but she is worried about subsidizing her family.
My mother-in-law bumped into herself when she was young. She seems to see another self, tirelessly taking care of her family's daily life, but forgetting her children and life. Her dissatisfaction with Ran is actually dissatisfaction with her ignorance and negative contribution when she was young. Based on her decades of personal experience, she tried to remind Ran that everything she did was worth stopping to think about whether I had the ability to take care of them and whether I should take care of my family and life first.
But she is just an old man, but she can't convince Ran by telling the truth with proper words, so she can only make inappropriate control behavior.
Pointing this out, ran was somewhat unacceptable and depressed. She asked me with great resistance: If I don't support my parents and my brother and sister-in-law don't send money home, my parents can't live. Do you think I can watch this happen?
I asked a sharper question: of course you can't let your parents starve to death, but what can you do to change this situation that you are struggling to support yourself and leave yourself alone at the same time? Please think about it, do you pay for them out of love or out of need?
Ran said excitedly: it must be the responsibility. For so many years, I have to quarrel with my parents for money every time I go home. My caring behavior for them is mixed with attack, hostility and competition. I resent them for favoring my brother and sister-in-law and exploiting me blindly; I hate that they can't see my efforts. I am their youngest daughter, but I have to take care of them. I resent my sister-in-law for being raised on my income like a parasite, regardless of my endurance. But what can I do?
For the first time since the long consultation, Ran wept bitterly.
In the next consultation, Ran's impedance and defense gradually decreased. The core of counseling is how to quit the negative contribution to your family and return to your marriage and children.
Ran held a family meeting with her parents and sister-in-law with an open attitude, which showed that she could not support her parents and five nephews and nieces by herself. This is not her responsibility alone, but she has to bear a quarter of the responsibility. She proposed that each child should give their parents 1000 yuan every month. Parents and elder sister-in-law objected one after another, accusing Ran of being a baiwenhang who only cared about his own life after getting rich, but Ran did not give in. She insists on giving her parents living expenses every month and promises to visit them once a month.
The follow-up consultation went smoothly, and I tried to guide Ran to see the reasonable boundary of taking care of his family. In a relationship, caring too much will be regarded as overprotective, compulsive or disturbing, and may do bad things with good intentions.
At the same time, caring behavior itself serves many defense mechanisms. Ran's need to be taken care of was ignored by his parents from an early age and did not get a good response. Therefore, she is eager for the other party to see her need to be understood and cared for in caring behavior. Ran's step-by-step concession pushed her from the position of a little daughter to the position of a family scapegoat and victim, and her self-boundary collapsed.
I tried to lead Ran to step down from the position of family scapegoat, draw a clear line between family members, let himself return to marriage first, put husband-wife relationship and parent-child relationship first, and then consider family.
Taking care of family members is not limited to giving money, but also supporting each other's growth, cultivating the ability to feel each other's needs and developing their close relationship.
Until the negotiation ended, Ran's brother-in-law refused to pay the living expenses by way of demonstration. Ran sometimes wavers, but I encourage her to stick to the border and turn her attention to her marriage and close relationship with her children.
In the last consultation, Ran jokingly said: I used to hate my mother-in-law's management, but I didn't expect her to remind me with her negative behavior and give me a failed template, so that I could see that this road was blocked.
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