I used to be an extremely insecure person.
The first memory of this part was probably when I was 3 years old.
My mother suddenly took me to my grandmother's house in the country, and then she left quietly at night.
I was stranded there alone, facing a strange environment and a group of strange relatives.
Later, I learned that my parents were divorced.
Because I am a girl, my father gave me up and threw me to my mother.
And my mother didn't have enough financial ability to raise me, so she threw me to her grandmother.
Every time my mother comes back, I will ask her expectantly, "mom, can you take me away?" I want to be with you. "
Every time, she would reply, "You stay here quietly, and when you behave well, I will come back and take you away."
So I will often sit in the corridor on the third floor of my grandmother's house with a small bench, watching the road to the village entrance, expecting that one day, my mother will come back and take me away.
But this wish has never come true. Once, my mother came back with a strange man, my later stepfather. Later, they formed a new family. And I have been left at my grandmother's house, relying on others.
02
The helpless time that my parents "abandoned" in this early memory deeply affected my later state in the relationship.
Like in a relationship.
I can't stand my boyfriend's slight to me.
I often ask him to remember every word I say and do everything he promises me.
Please reply immediately after receiving my message, and arrive on time for every appointment with me. Don't be late.
Once my boyfriend is negligent, late or forgotten, I can't help being furious and forcing him to admit his mistake and compromise.
Therefore, several of my love relationships finally broke up for this reason.
Love is like this, so is friendship.
I get very angry whenever my friend is late for an appointment.
No matter how the other person explains it, I can't really forgive her from the bottom of my heart.
So in the next relationship, I will often avoid her intentionally or unintentionally, and let our relationship drift away.
It can be said that because of this insecurity of "fear of being abandoned", I personally "destroyed" one relationship after another.
03
Until the last relationship, my boyfriend and I fell in love, and it was almost time to talk about marriage.
As a result, once my boyfriend forgot to call me back, I flew into a rage and yelled at him.
He was frightened by my hysteria and finally chose to break up with me.
My whole person is going to collapse, almost to the point where there is no love in life.
Later, at the suggestion of my friend, I walked into the consulting room with a self-help attitude.
The other party is a professional and stable psychological counselor. She can always firmly grasp my anger and fear, so that my restless soul can be placed.
What impressed me most was our third consultation.
That day, I arrived at the consulting room on time, but the consultant was not there.
I tried to call her, but the voice prompt was busy and I couldn't get through.
At that moment, the sense of uneasiness that has been neglected and abandoned suddenly welled up in my heart and almost drowned me.
I began to feel panic and at a loss.
Finally, I can only lie on the sofa feebly, letting tears blur my eyes.
About 10 minutes later, I received a short message from the counselor: "Are you anxious? I am on my way, please wait 15 minutes. "
My inner fear finally began to dissolve and turned into anger at her.
15 minutes later, she finally arrived.
I couldn't control my emotions and shouted at her, "How can you be late? How can you ignore me like this? "
"I'm sorry, I just received an urgent call. One of my visitors is going to commit suicide. I have to intervene in her crisis. " She calmly explained to me.
"This has nothing to do with me!" I continued to answer her angrily.
"Yes, it has nothing to do with you, but also takes up your time.
Now I can feel your anger and injustice ... "She continued to respond calmly to me.
Although I experienced a series of complicated emotional experiences before, I slowly found myself when she refocused on me and listened attentively to my emotional catharsis.
04
By the fourth consultation, I arrived at the consultation room on time.
Arrived at the same time as her, panting.
At that time, she was actually attending training in other places. In order not to affect her consultation with me, she deliberately left the field and came here.
"In that case, why not discuss another consultation time with me?" I asked her curiously.
"No, training is just my personal business. In my heart, you are more important. " She responded to me gently.
At that moment, I felt the feeling of being seen and valued for the first time in my life, and surrounded me as tightly as my mother's gentle eyes.
I feel that I am finally no longer the homeless and dependent lonely child.
Later, through constant consultation, I relived my childhood when I had nowhere to put my emotions. I began to explore the inner strength behind loneliness and empower myself.
I began to gradually let go of my control and dependence on the relationship, and like my counselor, I grasped all kinds of anxiety in the relationship and resolved myself.
Now, I finally realize that the sense of security has never been given to me by others, but by myself.
Text/Guangzhou Mangrove Psychological Counseling Center Anonymous Visitor