Your neglect in marriage is very harmful to the other half. It is a very happy thing to marry someone you like. The other half will choose to marry you, which shows that in her heart, you are a person worthy of her trust. Let's take a look at your neglect in marriage, which is very harmful to the other half.
Your neglect in marriage is very harmful to the other half. 1 It should be a very simple thing for a man to send a message to a woman on his own initiative in marriage. It doesn't take you much time to do such a thing, but you can give this woman the care she needs. If a man and a woman never send any messages after marriage, women will feel that they have no position in marriage and that it is meaningless to stay together.
If men are no longer willing to accompany this woman, then women will feel that they are not married, and there is not much difference. After all, women are in this state when they are alone. Therefore, when a man marries a woman, you should bring her the warmth of marriage. The meaning of marriage is that two people can depend on each other. As long as you think of each other, you will feel that this marriage is a particularly happy existence for yourself.
What women are most worried about is that no one around them can solve problems for themselves. Although, a person must rely on himself under any circumstances, don't always think about relying on others to solve it. However, if in marriage, you can't let yourself feel that kind of stability, and you can only rely on yourself, it is better to be single and free.
Men should not think that it is enough to give gifts when they are in love, but it is also necessary to give gifts occasionally in marriage. For a marriage, the sense of ceremony is still very important, which can increase the feelings between husband and wife. Many people think that the relationship with the other half is not so good after marriage, because you don't attach importance to marriage, you have to give something to the other half.
If a man has stopped saying nice things to women, then women's sense of loss in this marriage will only be greater. Often when a woman marries a man, she will put everything she has into this marriage. It's like this man is everything to a woman. Therefore, men must be kind to this woman in marriage, and don't let her feel sorry in marriage, which is a great blow to her. Besides, it's unfair to her.
Women hate it when men find various reasons not to go home after marriage, and even don't want to have dinner with women. It's cruel for a woman to go home to face a cold room every day instead of a man who loves her. Therefore, men should take responsibility in marriage. Since you love this woman so much, you should fulfill what you said in your marriage. Don't let this woman feel that marriage is the end of a relationship.
Emotional message: when a man begins to be cold and violent to a woman in marriage, that is, when a woman begins to be disappointed with her marriage. If you do this, a woman may never get married again in her life. In marriage, your neglect does great harm to the other half.
Your neglect in marriage is very harmful to the other half. The biggest harm in marriage is to do these three little things often, which hurts people the most.
1, no longer interested in each other.
An important lesson in intimate relationships is to see each other. There is a misunderstanding here, because many couples think that marriage is stable when they get married. In fact, it is wrong for marriage to really start with marriage.
When two complete strangers enter a new family, they need more details and patient communication with each other to get better. However, after marriage, many people begin to take care of themselves, thinking that they are too familiar with each other and don't care about the other half. This is the beginning of an imbalance in intimate relationships.
Liu Ye's wife, Anna, once said in an interview that Liu Ye is good at expressing his feeling of being needed. For a time, Liu Ye was too busy taking care of the children to be cared for. He will coquetry in front of Anna and let Anna hug him. In fact, this proves that Liu Ye knows the true meaning of intimacy. Teacher Hellinger, a master of family arrangement, said that the relationship between husband and wife must be the first, surpassing the relationship between children and parents.
Marriage needs long-term attention. No matter your husband or wife, please feel the feelings and feelings of your husband or wife with your heart every day, and take time out to have a real communication with them every day, so that they can feel your concern and concern, which will greatly promote the intimate relationship between husband and wife.
2, can't see each other's efforts
The second biggest harm in marriage is not seeing each other's efforts. Marriage is essentially a division of responsibilities, and everyone will gradually assume their own responsibilities after marriage.
This kind of responsibility and contribution is not measured by money, but by one's own input and payment.
However, many people measure the division of responsibilities after marriage completely from the economic point of view, which ultimately makes marriage full of grievances.
Qing is my good friend and a full-time housewife. Yesterday, she complained to me that she thought it was impossible to get married. I asked her what was wrong.
It turns out that YWCA told her husband that she was very tired at home. Qing's husband said that doing this kind of work at home is also very tiring. Every time she hears this sentence, she wants to die.
Qing feels as if how many things she has done are still trivial in her husband's eyes and she can't see her own value.
Every time her words are not understood, her heart hurts again and again.
In fact, it is not a case, but a common phenomenon in marriage. In marriage, many people can't see each other's efforts, which is actually the biggest harm to their partners.
I like the expression of husband-wife relationship in Korean dramas best. Thank you for your hard work. In fact, telling your partner sincerely that you work hard every day is the greatest affirmation to your partner, which means that you have seen her efforts.
Psychology has found that the reason why the fate between husband and wife will be exhausted lies in some harmful things, which we may not care about ourselves, but unconsciously destroy each other's feelings.
3. disagree with each other
The third biggest harm in marriage is disagreement. No matter what his partner does, he will feel that his partner is worthless, and this disapproval is also the biggest harm to the other party.
Not long ago, a student told me that in marriage, no matter what he did, his other half was deeply criticized and always felt that he was not good enough and inferior to others. In this marriage, he felt that he had had enough of this kind of criticism and accusation.
In marriage, we don't agree with each other, that is, we always think that other people's wives/husbands are good, and this mentality is also a killer of intimate relationships. Only by hugging your partner deeply and telling him that I know you have tried your best can you let the other person know that you know him.
To some extent, marriage is when two strangers come together and collide with each other in their own ways of thinking and doing things. There is no absolute right or wrong. If you entangle right and wrong in marriage, it will only close the door of marriage communication and eventually let marriage enter a dead end.
A good way of marriage communication is to discuss together, grow together, listen and understand patiently, see and be seen. This emphasizes our ability to love. The more a person knows how to love, the more he can actually know how to harvest his own happiness in marriage.
Marriage is the best place to cultivate one's morality. In marriage, we call ourselves and see our own shortcomings, and the other half is used to cultivate us. Only by getting better can we have a happier state.
Your neglect in marriage is very harmful to the other half. 3. Cold violence will bring people reflection in marriage.
What is cold violence?
Many people think that cold violence is "ignoring", which is true. Not answering, being silent, escaping and refusing to communicate are the classic manifestations of cold violence. But in fact, in addition to the cold treatment and non-communication of the other party when something happens, if the other party gets along with you in marriage, it will always hit your self-confidence in all directions, suppress or even control you in behavior and so on. These all belong to the category of cold violence.
Chang Zhongxin's team has been paying attention to this phenomenon for many years, and it has been decomposed from the literal meaning of "cold violence" into three internal meanings, namely "cold", "violence" and "lethality".
Teacher Chang, the founder of Changzaixin team, pointed out that psychological and emotional abuse, such as controlling behavior, cold treatment, and threats of violence, can all be called "cold violence". Now, cold violence also occurs in Kochi families, cadre families and high-income families.
Cold violence is far more common than we thought.
In families with contradictions, 88% of couples will ignore each other, 48% of families will abuse each other, more than 30% of families will run away from home or throw things in anger, and about 20% of families will have husbands threatening and beating their wives.
Why do more and more families fall into an emotional position? What kind of psychology is hidden behind this shocking data? Where is the cold domestic violence? Why is the phenomenon of domestic cold violence getting more and more serious?
"We don't talk almost every day. I sometimes try to communicate with him, but he looks cold. I can't say anything. In this way, my spirit is really going to collapse. " This is what a consultant who is suffering from "cold violence" told me.
"Cold violence" is actually more terrible than physical violence. It won't make us black and blue, but it can make a person's spiritual world completely collapse. People's psychological injuries are often more serious than physical injuries, and a broken head can be cured, but it is difficult to keep in touch with psychological blows and injuries.
In the long run, it is difficult for the marriage to continue, and it is difficult for the injured party to come out. The source of many social tragedies is cold violence.
Where does the cold violence in marriage come from?
According to the statistics of the sampling survey conducted by the Women's Federation in 20 18, 80 million families in China are suffering from domestic violence, of which cold violence accounts for more than 70%, and the data of this proportion continues to grow with the passage of time. In this set of data, the proportion of women suffering from cold violence is much greater than that of men.
Most families will have cold violence. Why?
The book Psychology of Cold Violence says that the cold violence between husband and wife is largely due to one party's refusal to bear the pressure of quarreling, so it refuses to communicate and uses verbal violence to disturb the other party, while the neglected party has been conniving at the other party in order to maintain the relationship, thus allowing the violence to continue. In the end, the two were physically and mentally exhausted and their marriage broke down.
Xiaoxi (pseudonym), a student who came to consult last time, impressed me deeply:
She complained to me about how cold her husband was to her and was tortured by cold violence every day. But at that time she thought her husband was under too much pressure at work. In order not to distract him, Xiaoxi does things carefully according to her husband's preferences every day.
Xiaoxi came to me for help this time, just because she went out to eat with her husband and wanted to try different dishes. Her husband began to satirize her as a pig. Xiaoxi quarreled with him, and her husband turned his head and ignored her. She was so angry that she ran home without eating, and her husband didn't hold her. Xiaoxi doesn't understand why her husband did this to her.
Not only Xiao Xi, but also the other half of many women are like this: they just play with their mobile phones when eating, refuse to communicate after quarreling, and always talk to you in a critical tone. Whether you are happy or sad, he will reply you with a word "Oh" lightly.
They suffered cold violence from the other half in their marriage, and their hearts were full of pain and incomprehension. This is the trap of mental abuse. The abuser's inner language is "I won't lie to you", but it is always unknown, and it is only revealed in an indirect way.
In the face of cold violence, most women will try to communicate with their husbands, but no matter what you say, men are as indifferent as ever and even more resistant to communicating with you.
Mental abuse is actually a manifestation of power. Abusers satisfy certain psychological desires by controlling and influencing the abused. If the abuser is psychologically hurt, he will do his best to vent. "
Cold violence can make your body unscathed, but it makes your heart full of holes.
Many couples have this situation. Once a conflict occurs, they start a cold war or communicate in a perfunctory way, and finally force the other half to use cold violence against themselves, or they are people who like to use cold violence. As we all know, cold violence has never been the solution to the problem, and it will only lay a mine for marriage.
Knowing that cold violence cannot solve the problem, why do so many people like cold violence?
There are generally two reasons for cold violence: first, the party who uses cold violence doesn't want to face contradictions and problems when they appear, or doesn't know how to solve them, so he adopts the way of escape. The other is the party who uses cold violence, hoping to make the other party compromise through silent protests. This kind of cold violence is a form of punishment.
In the face of cold violence, the reasons are different and the treatment methods are different.
What are the signs before, during and after cold violence?
1, early cynicism
There is a kind of person who never likes to praise others, even his husband or wife. This is the most common situation.
For example, a wife wants to ask her husband's advice on some ideas, and the husband says, "You don't look at yourself, just learn from others." "You don't look in the mirror, no matter how beautiful things are put on you."
For example, if the husband and wife disagree on economic issues, the wife will say, "If you can earn money like her husband, I need to tell you this." "If you are still a man, don't let me worry." "I was really blind and found someone like you."
There are also some words that hurt people's self-esteem, such as "you know best what you did."
2. Medium-term oral punishment
This is a method that many people like to use. Usually, they don't want to make their other half sad or miserable. They just use behavior to express their unhappiness, remind their partner to pay attention to their feelings and let him reflect on what he did wrong. For example, throwing things, refusing or perfunctory sex life, telling children how bad their mother is, and returning to their parents' home without saying a word ... in short, they want to do something that their other half doesn't like to punish him.
3. Play dumb later
In this stage of cold violence, couples will start to play dumb, don't care about each other's troubles and diet in the family, no longer take the initiative to undertake housework, go out temporarily without informing each other, and sometimes disappear for no reason, so that the other party can't find themselves; Too lazy to talk to your partner, don't like being alone with the explosive rate, and so on.
By playing dumb, we have entered the late stage of cold violence, which is a very serious situation. There has been a great crisis in marriage, and both husband and wife are losing their willingness to actively communicate and solve problems. Everything the other person does and says seems to have nothing to do with himself. They stay under the same roof, just to maintain the form of marriage.
Does he have the following three kinds of "playing dumb" behavior?
1, he doesn't speak like a mute.
Yes, he is deaf and dumb.
He stirs up your inner anxiety, provokes your great anger with a silent gesture, and makes you a bitch and a dissatisfied housewife in the eyes of others.
Many students complained to me about their family: after so many years of marriage, my husband ignored himself and his children. Every time I want to sit down and chat with him, he uses the excuse that he is too tired to talk more at home.
Slowly, there is no communication between husband and wife except simple and boring words such as "I'm going to work", "I'm back", "OK" and "Hmm".
It seems that their husbands are just a decoration or puppet in this family, which has nothing to do with themselves, but for the sake of the all-round growth of their children, they still persist in this stagnant marriage.
Are you like them, facing a "dumb husband" who doesn't communicate with you? He calls you every month for living expenses and goes home to sleep every day. You don't feel any concern, emotion or response from him.
Such a husband seems to have given you a guarantee of life, but actually broke your emotional hope. How long do you think you can last in a loveless marriage?
He doesn't go home like a wild ghost.
In real life, there are too many men who are not at home all day. He either says he is entertaining, working overtime or on a business trip ... Anyway, he can find 10,000 reasons not to go home, so just wait for him at home.
And many women can tolerate it. Endure her husband's initiative, neglect, and not going home ... In marriage, the deepest kung fu they practice is the word "forbearance".
You live alone at home like a ghost, but he is as happy as a ghost outside. How long can you stand it? Can you stand this long and empty life?
He won't touch you like Woodenhead.
If a man doesn't even want to touch you, he is really tired of you, and even he has resisted you from the heart.
He may go home to eat and sleep every day, but he has "zero communication" with you and even little physical contact.
Last time, a student complained to me: In order to maintain a complete home, she was willing to swallow all the hardships in her stomach and naively waited for her husband to get through it and rekindle her enthusiasm, but she waited year after year.
Not only she, but also too many women have lost themselves in marriage, leaving their husbands motionless in marriage like the living dead.
Do you think it's cool to endure it? Can you stand this loveless and asexual widowed marriage for a while, for life? Marriage should be a shelter from the wind and rain, but it has become a heartless icehouse. Do you still have to struggle to survive in such a low temperature?
What harm does cold violence bring to marriage?
When contradictions accumulate to a certain amount, qualitative changes will occur. Cold violence is like a "time bomb" buried in marriage. If it is not eliminated in time, it may detonate all the time, and the damage to marriage will be unimaginable.
1, which leads to the woman's low family status.
"Cold violence" is more harmful to victims than explicit violence, and often causes serious mental illness to victims. However, due to its strong concealment and difficult operation of legal sanctions, it has not been clearly defined by the legal profession at present.
In some families with higher education level, the man cares about the concept of "a gentleman talks but doesn't do it", and feels that the violent way of combining fists and feet is beneath his dignity, so he is indifferent to his wife. There is also a husband who has mastered his wife's psychology and knows how to torture each other mentally, which can make him "voluntarily yield" and bow to himself.
In addition, with the increasing public opinion of domestic violence in society, many women have a strong awareness of protecting their rights against physical violence and know how to "protect" themselves with the law. If a man adds his fists and leaves a scar on his wife, he will be prosecuted.
Therefore, some people use cold violence. Because the family "cold violence" has the characteristics of repetition and concealment, and there is no scar or blood, it is impossible to identify the injury. Even if it goes to court, it is difficult for the judge to determine who is at fault.
2, leading to suicide, affair, child isolation.
Domestic cold violence will make many women have revenge. If it is serious, women can easily take extreme measures, and may commit suicide, hurt their husbands and even hurt their children.
In addition, because of cold violence, the victim can't feel the warmth of the family and the care of his partner, and it is easy to breed extramarital affairs, which both husband and wife don't want to see, and extramarital affairs will further aggravate family conflicts.
Cold violence not only hurts the feelings of husband and wife, but also tends to make children withdrawn and unwilling to communicate with others, affecting their three views and personality shaping throughout their lives.
3, leading to mental damage
The parties who suffer from "cold violence" will be affected psychologically and spiritually to varying degrees. Most of them feel wronged and controlled, their feelings become fragile, and they are often in a state of loneliness psychologically. In the long run, the injured party may make excessive behavior because of long-term mental torture, resulting in even worse consequences.
Before, there was a student who was in the cold violence of marriage for a long time. After adding me for a few months, she hesitated to ask a tutor to help her repair her marriage, but she felt that cold violence was very common and would not have much impact on her marriage. I tried to persuade her, but I could only let her think clearly first.
Last week, she suddenly came to me and said that she was divorced. We met many classmates who regretted getting married until divorce like her. After the divorce, everyone is in a mess, either struggling with their children and relying on men to help them every month, or living alone and making an appointment to see the children.
There is such a plot in the TV series "Chinese Divorce": Liu Dongbei and Juanzi are reluctant to part on the road after completing the divorce procedure, and Juanzi asks, "Are we still good friends in the future?" Dong Liu North Road: "Of course."
Then Liu Dongbei hesitated and said, "I still love you very much." Juanzi burst into tears for an instant, holding Liu Dongbei and crying: "Me too ..."
A seemingly normal family always loses its balance unconsciously, and when the marriage collapses, it is discovered that the other party actually has various advantages, but it is too late. They didn't seize the opportunity to repair their marriage.
What should we do best when we encounter "cold violence" in marriage?
How to deal with cold violence
The police can intervene in domestic violence. What about "cold violence"? It is obviously unrealistic to eliminate "cold violence" and rely on external intervention. At this time, what we need more is psychological construction. First of all, we should look for the causes and extent of cold violence.
When something happens, or a pattern is inherent, we should investigate the reasons behind it. Why did he treat you with cold violence? Why is it that whenever there is a problem, he is unwilling to solve it and just wants to escape?
If his personality is so primitive or immature that he doesn't know how to deal with the problem correctly, so he chooses cold treatment, then you can try to guide him to understand that such "cold treatment" can't solve the problem.
For example, since the other person doesn't want to communicate with you directly, he can communicate horizontally through the ways he can see, such as "writing a note" and "sending a message".
For another example, find a common topic between the two sides, such as children, or memories and hobbies when you are in love, arouse his interest, and then talk about the problem after easing the relationship; Also, you can break each other's defenses through physical contact, such as hugging, kissing and even creating a love surprise for each other. Physical contact can best ease the relationship between each other.
The best way to solve the contradiction between husband and wife is communication. On the contrary, all kinds of mental abuse, such as snubbing, ignoring each other and sexual punishment, are not desirable.
Language is the key to the soul. In the face of contradictions, we must face up to them, and there is no way out to avoid them. In this way, we should try our best to guide and strive for effective communication, so as to make the other party understand the harm of cold violence and make changes.
I'm Wang Bei, a professional psychological counselor. I hope everyone who is frustrated can wait for those who come home.