There are two final results from breaking up to getting back together.
Either get married and grow old together; Or repeat the same mistakes and die of old age.
The first result is simple because of love and tolerance.
The second result can be imagined. The former has not improved in the face of compound contradictions, but has intensified bigger problems.
Actually, breaking up is not terrible. The terrible thing is that you can't find a reason to break up at all.
It is not difficult to make up for it, but it is difficult to find a suitable method at all.
First, we need to know why you broke up.
Let me start with a friend's case:
Girls are stronger, blx, princess disease.
This is due to the origin of the family, a girl's parents are from Gao Qian family. I love her very much since I was a child, because she has strong economic strength and is basically a responsive little princess.
Because of the inertia brought by family background, she is more self-centered and has a strong desire to control in love.
Always control each other's words and deeds from a self-righteous perspective.
When the other person expresses dissatisfaction, she will say "I am doing it for you" and never consider the other person's emotions and thoughts at this time.
How she forced her love back.
From college to society, two people have been in love for seven years, and it is time to get married, but there is an episode of "seven-year itch".
In this relationship, the boyfriend's long-term unsatisfied needs and various neglected and repressed negative emotions,
For example, boyfriends like to play games, but girls just don't let them. The reason is "Do I love you or does the computer love you?"
Boyfriend likes playing basketball. Girls think it costs money to rent a court to play basketball once. The reason is "Do you make money?"
Even if the boyfriend knocks over the glass, the girl will slap and call names on the grounds that "your eyes are not long".
With the escalation of this contradiction, the two gradually lost their comfort and affection. On the contrary, one said a lot, the other hid a lot, and finally it was miserable. My boyfriend chose to break up.
Then why did you break up?
First, high expectations, the strangler of love. One of the reasons why you feel pain in intimate relationship is that you expect too much from him.
You want him to do something and become something, but if he doesn't do it, you will suffer.
Some people think, why is it my problem? Is my expectation too high? Am I asking too much?
So, your request is reasonable.
From your point of view, these expectations are not high, normal and should be.
Because you didn't ask the other person to pick the stars and the moon for you, just to meet your normal needs or requirements.
But from each other's point of view?
He didn't realize your expectations. Why?
Because this may be something he doesn't like and uncomfortable for him, then this expectation is very high for him.
So what is high expectation?
Judging from the output results, if a person does not meet your expectations, then your expectations are high expectations for him.
It's not that you think your expectations are too high, which will hurt this relationship. But you think your expectations are normal, and he thinks your expectations are too high.
High expectations are a kind of control over each other.
When you send a signal of high expectations to a person, no matter whether you criticize him or speak well, he will experience pressure.
When a person experiences the pressure of control, he either wants to refuse or resist, or he wants to remain silent, escape or even break up with you.
Then your communication is invalid, because he thinks he is casting pearls before swine.
Second, the lack of comfort in their love concept, the most important thing is: comfort.
From the moment you know each other, your every move affects his feelings. If he feels comfortable with you, he will gradually become dependent on you. Even if you are no longer beautiful and out of shape, he can't live without you.
For example, if you go shopping, you will find a pair of beautiful shoes, no matter the style or style. So you spent 2000 yuan on it, thinking of wearing it every time you go out.
But after wearing it several times, you find that the shoes are worn out, no matter how you adjust them.
It's no use putting on thick socks, or you'll still grind your feet and bleed. So you took it to have it repaired, thinking that you wouldn't rub your feet again, but after you put it on, you found that you would still rub your feet. Will you keep wearing it?
I'm sure you will also say that shoes are for wearing. Even if it is beautiful and expensive, it will rub your feet. Why wear it to suffer?
In fact, this is also a man's inner thought. Although you are nice and beautiful, you can't comfort him. Why stay with you every time you ask him to force himself to indulge you?
You often get angry with him, quarrel with him, play with his temper and so on. Let him coax you as before, but he will feel tired after so long. When he feels uncomfortable with you, his feelings will naturally come to an end.
Whether you break up because you can't get along or don't understand each other, in the end, it all points to one thing, that is, there is no comfort.
Secondly, why is it so difficult to get back together?
Because the boy's "defense mechanism" is on. In order to avoid being hurt again, I feel "love is weak" again, so I would rather give up my feelings.
Because the other person's in-depth understanding of you will make him subconsciously think that even if you get back together, it may improve at first, but there is still a chance that you will fall into an infinite loop again because of the same thing.
Because the other person no longer trusts you, if you are princess-sick, he will worry about whether you will be "sick" after making peace with you, and start to make trouble without reason, which will make him fall into negative emotions again.
Because the other person has been hurt by you, we all know that once bitten, twice shy, so is facing the compound man. He is worried that the same injury will happen to him for the second time or even the nth time. He doesn't want to believe that you will completely change.
How can it be the same after getting back together?
Note: The following are my friends. In two months, they not only reunited their feelings for seven years, but also made their feelings better than before.
So you ask me, will it be the same after getting back together?
I think I have given you the best proof.
So what exactly should we do?
First, let go of the past and face the problems.
The feelings after breaking up and getting back together must be mixed with some resentment and even grievances about the past.
Now that we have got back together, we should forget the past and start over.
After getting back together, many couples are reluctant to talk about the past. In the past, the unpleasantness, quarrel and entanglement of the two people when they broke up were all bad memories. They don't want to talk about the past for fear of hurting this restored relationship again.
However, choosing to avoid some problems does not mean that we can really let go and forget.
Many people especially like to say that they should give each other a period of time to calm down, including breaking up with each other voluntarily, but in fact, these statements have no practical significance, because problems and contradictions will not be solved independently with your active avoidance, but will make the other party feel that you are evading responsibility and planning contradictions.
So I often emphasize to you that since you have chosen to get back together, don't be afraid, and don't hide your ears to avoid problems. You can even guide the other person to face the problem with you by voluntarily canceling the test.
For example, many people prefer obedience in the process of chatting with each other after breaking up. No matter what the other party says, they will agree unconditionally. In this case, even if the other person wants to have a good talk with you, there is no chance.
You can tell him generously, "I admit that I did have problems when I was in love before, and I couldn't communicate or express myself, but I firmly refuse to admit that I love you less than you love me." I know how much I have paid in this relationship, and I have a clear conscience. "
At this time, the other party may be very angry and accuse you of not paying at all. Then you can follow this line of thinking, tell him what you have been neglected by him before, sort out contradictions and dispel a negative emotion of the other party. Only in this way can you re-inject new feelings and values.
Second, comfort ≠ please as a party to restore the compound, it is inevitable that the mentality is unbalanced, and they are afraid that the other party will leave themselves again, so they become passive Nuo Nuo, please and tolerate each other indefinitely, and put themselves in a depressed position after saving the relationship.
This mentality will not make feelings better, but will only make the next breakup come faster. So, don't walk on thin ice. Not only you but also the other party is tired. A relationship that is uncomfortable with each other cannot last long.
Many friends don't know how to rebuild the comfort zone. I'll give you three suggestions:
1. Change roles and think from the perspective of others.
The most direct expression of comfort is actually emotional feedback. When you give him the feedback he wants, he will naturally feel comfortable.
For example, some people say "I'm too tired to talk today", and many people will subconsciously refute "You just don't want to talk to me? Are you bothering me so much now? " This kind of communication will make the other party feel very tired and stressed, so they will not feel comfortable.
The proper expression should be "I can understand that social life is so difficult." I felt exhausted after working overtime for a week in a row last week. Go to bed early. After all, my health is the capital of the revolution. If there is an opportunity, I will invite you to dinner to comfort you. "
First of all, give the other person an emotional recognition and comfort, make him feel that you are on the same side, and bring each other closer.
Then give an invitation request conveniently, even if the other party refuses for a while, it doesn't matter, and it can be your next chance to contact.
Every few days, you can say to each other, "How have you been these two days? I said I would invite you to dinner the other day. Do you want to eat something delicious? "
Keep making steady progress with this kind of affirmative+implicit invitation, and the distance between you two will soon be narrowed in the process.
2. Dig the topic of * * * and cultivate the tacit understanding between the two sides.
As the saying goes, "Birds of a feather flock together." One of the quickest ways to establish contact is that you have the same interests.
To tell the truth, everyone's personality and outlook on life are different. Some people like to express themselves, some people don't, some people speak more directly, and some people are very reserved. You can't ask two people who come from different families and grow up in different environments to be similar everywhere, which is unrealistic.
But you can learn about the topics and fields of interest to each other, such as current affairs news, entertainment gossip, electronic technology and so on. Or cultivate 1-2 hobbies like each other, such as favorite games and fitness programs. These things can help you quickly and efficiently communicate with each other.
Because it's easy to relax your vigilance and get into your rhythm and thinking when discussing areas that people like or are good at. Once you have this spiritual resonance, the comfort zone can be easily rebuilt.
3. Maintain the balance of gender relations
There is a saying that a good relationship can go further. When you are in a relationship, whether you are high or low, in fact, this relationship will not last long, because the so-called high and low position should not be static, but should be constantly adjusted and changed with the occurrence of problems.
This requires you to have a good grasp of the balance between the sexes, and you can easily switch between high and low positions when you master this.
To give a particularly simple example, you must be in a low position in the early stage of recovery, because you want to recover at this stage and the other party doesn't want to.
At this time, if you don't want to take the initiative, you still want to keep a high profile, wait for the other party to beg you, or even say to the other party, "I'm right, it's your loss that you broke up with me, and you will regret it later." Then I don't think you have anything to do with redemption
But in the second half of recovery, you will change your attitude, because you want to let the other party know that although you want to restore your relations, it doesn't mean that you have to accept everything from him without a bottom line, and you can't always take the initiative unilaterally.
At this time, you can say to the other party, "I've thought a lot during this time, and I'm really happy to be with you, but I don't think we can continue this ambiguous way." I admit that I am selfish in contacting you, and I can't let you go, but I don't want to disturb your new life. If you have completely let go of this relationship, then I should start my own life. "
Use this push-pull speech to show your attitude, and virtually give the other party a little pressure to switch between high and low. If the other person doesn't want to give up the existing comfort, then he will redefine the relationship between you.
Second time around, but can start all over again.
Many people will have this misunderstanding in the process of recovery. They think that the process of getting back together is to repair past mistakes, but the real meaning of saving a relationship is not that two people return to the previous mode of getting along, because your previous mode of getting along has failed. All you have to do is start a new relationship with this person.
As long as you want to get back together, it is never too late. The restart button is in your hand. It's up to you to press or not.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.