Specifically, it is a backward process, that is, after a child becomes an adult in the future, he will live his ideal life and what kind of work he will do in order to live such an ideal life; In order to do this kind of work, he has to study in which university and which major, so that he can learn something useful. If he wants to study this major and attend this university, what should he do now to study this major in this university? Then we will analyze the children's learning situation according to their current grades and help them make corresponding learning plans and goals. In a word, from junior high school to senior high school, let the children know who I am and where I am going. Why should we learn how to learn a systematic path of study, career and career planning? This is career planning.
I am a psychological counselor and a career planning instructor. The nature of the work of the senior instructor of learning ability determines that parents often ask such questions in life: What should I do if there is a conflict between teachers, children and teachers? What if the child steals money from home? What if the child lies? The child had a fight with his friend. What should I do? The child didn't finish his homework and was criticized by the teacher. What should I do? What about puppy love? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Whenever I look at my parents' anxiety at this time, I will tell them that I want to congratulate you. You and your children have a chance to grow up together.
In fact, no matter what kind of problems children encounter, all the problems themselves are not problems. The problem itself is a kind of fruit or appearance. There is a positive motivation behind this fruit and appearance, but most parents can't see it. Children are anxious, and parents are more anxious than children. The children are almost heartbroken, and the parents are still giving him a long talk about reason. For example, the child who jumped on the viaduct, such as those who were scolded by their parents for playing mobile phones, those who were scolded by their parents for staying overnight because of puppy love, and so on. When we encounter these problems, how should parents treat and solve them?
Through long-term study and continuous practice, I have summed up a general formula for solving problems, which I think is quite useful. Parents and students close to me often hear me say that the problem itself is not a problem. How to analyze, solve and grow on the problem is the real problem. As long as parents and students who have dealt with me will remember this sentence.
The general formula for solving problems is divided into two parts. The first part: The premise of solving problems is to deal with emotions first.
Deal with emotions first, then things, because emotions are the medicine to deal with the most problems. If we solve the problem with emotion, it will only make things worse. In life, whether with partners, colleagues or children, as long as we are emotional, angry and upset, the result of our handling of problems is not what we want, or even farther away from what we want.
Having emotions is instinct, and managing emotions is skill. Emotion can be managed, and managing emotion is a kind of ability, which is one of the important abilities that each of us must have in life. The reminder here is that we manage emotions, not control them. It seems to be just two simple words, but its energy is quite different from the psychological hints and feelings it gives us. I want to manage my emotions. I want to control my emotions. I feel completely different inside. The latter is resistant. You can try.
How to manage emotions? There are many specific methods, and everyone should use them flexibly according to the specific situation. Only when we are excited, the methods are endless. Here I briefly say three kinds: the first is to take a deep breath or leave for a period of time to face it as calmly as possible. This is so-called static energy and wisdom. Some parents will shake their heads when they hear this and say, it sounds simple, but it's hard to do. I want to tell you that as long as you keep doing it, the effect will get better and better. Even at the beginning, you were like painting a gourd ladle As long as you persist, you will get better and better.
The second method is to look inward and look for internal causes. Children are the mirrors of our parents. The child was born and raised by ourselves. All the advantages and disadvantages of children are closely related to our parents. We are the source of children's problems. Instead of being angry and blaming the child, look at yourself first and think about why the child has such a problem. Where is the root cause? What can I do to prevent children from having such problems or less? Let's experience, when a series of question marks point to ourselves, does your mood naturally calm down a lot? Because at this time, most of our energy and focus are on analyzing and thinking to find the root of the problem and working with our children to find a solution. So at this time, our mood is naturally that you don't let it calm down, and it is already on the road to peace. When we calm down, our wisdom comes.
The third way is to accept problems and children. All the parents we have studied know that the premise of love is acceptance. Let's think about the things in life that control us and make us unhappy. Is it all unacceptable to us? Are those people who make us unhappy first unacceptable to us? As long as we don't accept it, we will be controlled by what we don't accept.
When a small tree grows, it will grow branches, and children are also small saplings. It is normal for children to encounter such things when they are growing up. Why is it acceptable for lower plants to grow branches, and this happens to children of advanced animals like us? There is a saying that when young people make mistakes, God will forgive them, not to mention that our children are still a growing teenager.
Dear family, when we do it in these small ways, our mood will be much calmer.
Universal formula Part II: Four steps to solve the problem.
The four steps to solve problems are to encounter problems, analyze problems, solve problems and grow on them. Let's talk about the problems encountered in the first step. When our children encounter problems, as parents, we should follow them first and then take them with us. First of all, we should follow up the children's emotions, grasp the children's emotions, and at the same time empathize with them and express their excitement. For example, when we see a child sad, I will express it to her in this way. My children and mother felt very sad when they saw you. Come on, give her a hug. Do you want to talk to her about what is happening now? I gently took the child over and hugged her. Sometimes she sobbed in my arms, and I let her emotions release naturally. In this case, we caught the child's emotions and followed up the child's emotions. She also expressed her feelings; Sometimes, children will be very angry and excited about you. I remember when my daughter was a freshman, she had a conflict with a little boy in her class. At that time, she was very angry. She called me, never so loud, never so sad. When I connected the phone, she was in tears and was silent for about three or four minutes. She cried and sobbed. I'm on the phone. I said, son, I know you're upset. It's okay. Cry if you want. Tell your mother when you're done. I'm waiting to hear from you. After about three or four minutes, I felt very anxious. Children use the teacher's phone and always use other people's phone bills. But I think it is impolite to be impolite. Now this is secondary. I can explain to the teacher why I didn't call back later, because the child's mood is there. If you call back at this time, she will be stuck or not completely released, and her emotions will flow naturally. After three or four minutes, she calmed down a little, and then I said, my child, I heard that you have never been sad or wronged before. What can mom do for you now? What do you want to express by calling your mother, or do you need her to support you? The daughter on the other end of the phone said, go home, mom, I want to go home. I said yes, son, you want to go home. You mean now or tomorrow? I'll find the time. Because I know my children, from kindergarten to primary school to junior high school, all the way to high school, whether it is academic performance or personal accomplishment, the evaluation given by the teachers and principals in the school is excellent. She is a great child, from the monitor when I was a child, the leader of the Young Pioneers, to the president of the student union in junior high school, to the monitor in senior high school, and then to the sunshine angel in school. The child has always been very good. Once this happens, there must be something that she thinks has happened, so our parents have to stall, catch and follow up at this time, so I immediately drove to their school, which was almost an hour's journey, so it was already evening when I arrived. After I got to school, I met the class teacher and asked the children for a night off. At that time, I told the class teacher that it was nothing, it didn't matter. Although she is very excited now, I can guarantee that she will arrive at school on time tomorrow morning, so please rest assured. At that time, the class teacher trusted me. He said, I believe that your sister and your children have always been very good, but this knot will not necessarily decrease. I'm sure she will come to school tomorrow. Sure enough, the next day, I was on my way back (I solved the child's problem in the way I introduced). The next day, the problem was solved before I came back halfway. It took me more than 20 minutes to walk halfway from home to school, and this matter was solved. The child was wronged by excitement and anger, and she was embarrassed. She said, oh, mom, I told you to come back at midnight. I have to study by myself in the morning.
In addition, in order to calm children's emotions and catch them, we can also give them physical collision and contact with our eyes and body movements. I call it the human lightning rod, which is also very useful, because when we hug the child's arm and get a hand, the child will be grounded in an instant, just like the real grounding. Lightning is very violent, but once it touches the lightning rod, it will instantly flow to the earth. In fact, we should give our children a hug when they are emotional. If your child is tall, fat and much stronger than you, we can pat him on the shoulder or hold his hand to establish a connection with the child through action. At this time, the child's mood can be synchronized with us slowly, at least he will be more stable. When the child calms down, we can proceed to the second step.
The second step is to analyze the problem. This step is very critical and is roughly divided into four small links. The first step is to ask questions with your heart, the second step is to listen quietly, the third step is to respond simply, and the fourth step is not to make any judgment. Simply put, it means asking questions, listening to responses, and not making any judgments. Ask questions with your heart, for example, we will ask the child what happened. Do you want to talk to your mother? The fourth small step is not to make any judgment, which is difficult for our parents to do. As long as the child has a problem, when the child is very excited, everyone will say: How can you do this? The teacher is also good for you. You should put yourself in the other person's shoes ... and so on. In this case, children don't listen to these things, so in the fourth step, we don't make any judgments. Let the children's emotions and confidence flow downwards until the children's emotions weaken and then weaken, and then we can carry out the actual third step: solving the problem, which is what we said earlier, gradually bringing the children out of their emotions and bringing this thing out, so that the children's emotions and confidence flow downwards until the children's emotions weaken and then weaken. The first small link of the third big step is the division of responsibilities. For example, we will ask our children: How much responsibility do you think you and your partner have for this matter? At this time, after the emotional release and step-by-step buffering in front of the child, the child has changed from excitement to rationality, peace and harmony. At this time, he will divide the responsibilities under our guidance. When children divide their responsibilities, they generally feel that the other party has a lot of responsibilities and little of their own. As for him, it doesn't matter. We don't judge the key parts. The key is that he divides. As long as he divides, he has his own responsibilities. At this time, we should reward him in time-son, you were so excited, so angry and so wronged just now, and now you can handle it so quickly and distribute it reasonably. I think you are very responsible and willing to be rational. This situation is impossible for a child your age. Mom praised you. In this case, the child was praised by the parents, and then the child suddenly felt much better than before. At this time, I usually tell him three things in life, and let the children ask which is God's business, which is others' business, and which is something they can adjust.
In this link, children can see which part they need to adjust, which is the business of others and God. Other people's affairs and God's affairs are put aside, which is beyond our control and change. At this time, we will bring our children to the part where we can see our own reasons and the part we need to bear. At this time, I usually use such words: son, I think it's good that you can divide it like this. What adjustments are you willing to make for your responsibility? At this time, remember to say that correction is his mistake, and adjustment is his willingness to do things better. At this time, it is necessary to use some positive and neutral words, which children are willing to listen to and are more useful.
Then we will pull out the second small link. In this process, we must constantly affirm our children. For example, I will ask this question. When I am mature, I will ask this question: Oh, my child, in the process of this, I feel that you have done something I didn't expect. I feel that you are different from other children and have your own unique opinions and ideas. You can express them clearly. Then I'll praise you. Anyway, no matter what he says or expresses, I can always find a point to affirm him, praise him and improve his strength little by little. Parents must do this well. Sometimes, even if what he said is quite outrageous, we won't make any comments. Some parents ask too much. What if his ideas and practices are not feasible at all? At this time, we will say, you think so. If you think so, I think you must have some truth. Don't say that your idea is too unreliable.
Next, it is the third small link. If I think his words and ideas are good, I will praise him. If you feel good, do it yourself. Bless you. If he is out of line, I don't think it is feasible or operable, and I will lead him again. There are at least three solutions to a problem, and you just said this is one of them. Are there any other methods and other ideas, and then lead him to say two? If it is, then I say, you think of three ways, and you become a creative company. Now that you mention it, I have an idea. do you want to hear it ? At this time, the child will also listen to what I say, and then I say that you have three roads and I have one road. We can compromise and consider a more suitable one. You've thought about this yourself, and you've thought about it. How about we do it again? At this time, children will certainly seek advantages and avoid disadvantages and make choices in the direction we want. Speaking skills are very important here. We should all say question marks and try not to say periods or exclamation points. When communicating with children or partners, try to use question marks instead of periods and exclamation points. When to use periods and exclamation points is to praise each other. Great! Your idea simply surprises me! Use an exclamation point in this case. Well, your idea is really beyond my expectation! At this time, a full stop exclamation point is ok, except praise, try to use a question mark. For example, what are you going to do now that the problem has arisen, son? Or have any ideas? What will be the result of this? Do you think this result is what you want? When we ask him like this, he will think further, so we will take the child for a period of time, that is, the first part, take him out of his emotions, bring things out and think about some solutions.
After going through the first of the first four steps, when encountering a problem, the second step is to analyze the problem, the third step is to solve the problem, and then the fourth step is to grow on the problem, which is also the first step. What does this offspring part bring? Belt height. Just now we brought emotions and methods. At this time, we brought our height.
The fourth link is about this problem. It is also divided into five small parts and five small links. The first is to praise children's gradual cognition and change. The second is to care about whether the child's mood and feelings have become better. We can ask, it has been so long since just now. Are you in a better mood now? How do you feel? After our commendation, we will go to the third key place, this small link, we must use our wisdom to guide the children: in fact, everything happens in a neutral way, which is for our growth. Many things are not necessarily right or wrong, and they are not necessarily your fault. He is wrong about you and him, and many things are not right or wrong. The reason why we have contradictions and anger makes us angry and emotional is because we look at problems from different angles and we deal with them in different ways. When we learn to pull away and look at the problem again, the result will be different from the original. We will ask our children: Do you feel this way? At this time, whether the child recognizes it or not, he will definitely recognize it in his heart. When we saw the child turn around, we started our fourth little link. At this point, it is nearing the end. Finally, we must keep a positive direction and give our children strength. At this time, as parents, we will say to him, congratulations, son and mother. This incident seems to make us all feel bad, but now it seems that thanks to this incident, you have a new life experience and personal growth experience. Sometimes I thank my children and tell them that I was worried at first. Now I think I have to thank you. Fortunately, this happened to you and your mother grew up with you. My mother also gained a life experience and improved her ability. I feel quite happy. Come on, let's hug and celebrate together. At this time, we successfully solved the problem by hugging, patting our shoulders, touching our heads and other intimate or encouraging actions, and ended it smoothly.
The above is the universal formula for solving problems: encounter problems, analyze problems, solve problems, and grow on problems. This is the most commonly used universal formula in my daily communication with my daughter, including my partner and I in the process of supervising parents and students. Now share it with you. When our Xiong Haizi family encounters problems, we can have some self-confidence and solutions.
Dear parents and friends, if we can accompany our children to solve problems that appear at any time, increase our wisdom and exercise ability, and promote the emotion and friendship between us and our children, in the long run, when we and our children have mastered the indispensable problem-solving ability in this life and have an optimistic attitude towards life, then our lives and children will be as rich as treasures, relaxed and happy!
The process and precautions of applying for accurate career planning;
(The order of this process cannot be reversed)
Parents' WeChat provides detailed information about children: name, age, gender, grade, best scores in all subjects, and current scores in all subjects. Send it to me on WeChat in advance.
Let the child draw a picture with a watercolor pen, write down the age and name, and take a picture for me. The painting conditions are: 5 ~ 10 minutes. There must be houses, trees and people. People can't draw stick figures or robots.
After the parents provide the above contents, they need to give me a call for further information collection and symmetry.
The plan takes about three hours and needs to be completed by video with children to ensure the smooth flow of the network.
Adults had better not accompany them. If children are willing to be accompanied by their parents, they can also listen nearby, but they must not interfere.