To escape from the present predicament, we must first link with our past self.
Many people with psychological troubles are mostly trapped by the status quo. These puzzles are basically divided into two types:
One is the inner or realistic conflict, such as the confusion of finding a job, facing unemployment, retirement, such as depression and compulsive thinking, inner loneliness and meaningless feeling.
The second is the current relationship, where children are rebellious and disobedient, have learning disabilities, their partners cheat, conflict with their parents, interpersonal barriers, lovelorn, marriage crisis and so on.
Their similarity is that they don't care about the past, they just want to solve the problems of the present.
I think the past is the past, so there is no need to mention it again. Or I don't think the contradiction with my partner has anything to do with the relationship between my parents. Some people feel as if they have some connection with the past, but they don't know what it is.
In fact, the influence of early upbringing has a great influence on a person.
A person's early parenting relationship determines the future relationship model. This is a basic assumption of the orientation of object relationship in psychoanalysis, that is, "looking at the old at three years old and looking at the old at seven years old". The wisdom of the ancients is simple and profound, which coincides with the views of western psychologists such as Freud.
Psychoanalysis believes that a person's personality has been formed before the age of 6, and then it is only repeated year after year. The most important factor here is "internalization". What was your world like three years ago? You can imagine:
Before the age of three, your world was only family, and the interaction between family members is your world view, the interaction between parents, parents' personality and the way parents treat you. Parents here generally refer to caregivers, and may also be grandparents, grandparents, adoptive parents and so on.
When you go to kindergarten, you are exposed to another world, where you are responsible for teaching your team and rules. At that time, you still put family first.
Therefore, what kind of relationship, what kind of model and what kind of atmosphere are internalized by you, thus forming your initial personality, your initial way of looking at the world, that is, the world view, and your view of yourself, that is, values.
If you come because you can't establish intimate relationship with men, and it turns out that this is only caused by your childhood relationship with your father, you will understand how important it is to have a parenting relationship.
If you have never had intimate experience, can't rely on others, can't count on your caregivers, and your parents are harsh and indifferent, you don't think this relationship is safe, stable and lasting, because you have never had such an experience.
Nowadays, when you enter an intimate relationship, you can't help being wary. You instinctively feel that the other person is unreliable, unreliable and unsafe. You will open your own world view to look at the current relationship, thinking that once the relationship is close, it will be hurt, just like before.
So in order to prevent injury, you will: avoid, escape, push each other away and stimulate each other to leave you.
After you leave, you will be depressed, because you don't think that breaking up is caused by your own reasons, and you will suffer, so it will be repeated and malignant. You should seek psychological help.
What should we do?
Although there are 1000 answers to this question, each nurturer has different personality and internalized feelings, and there is no formulaic answer. However, writing in your mind to connect with the past is a very good way of self-healing.
Many emotions are out of control in a certain scene today because they were not released in time at that moment, and they were suppressed little by little and accumulated slowly.
For example, if you are severely treated by your parents, you are angry, wronged and afraid. If you show it, you have to fight, cry and run.
Maybe you have tried, and the result is often more harsh and abusive, which makes the resistance invalid. Encounter similar things, can only suppress, silently bear.
As an adult, when your child is disobedient, he can't help but treat him severely, projecting his unreleased emotions on the child, but you think this has nothing to do with that year.
When your partner is hard on you, your anger and grievances will intensify and erupt, thus destroying this relationship.
Writing a letter and talking to your parents from a distance is equivalent to using your current strength to give yourself a childhood, release your emotions, shout out all your dissatisfaction and vent this strong emotion on paper.
If you complain to your parents when writing, it is not unfilial, but really filial. At that time, your parents didn't realize that it would put pressure on you, and they didn't think it would affect your family and intimate relationship in the future. If they knew, they wouldn't do it.
Just like you now, change is not to repeat it to your lover and children.
The biggest unfilial is to suppress real dissatisfaction and insist on filial piety. Then, the subconscious will project this dissatisfaction on others, and many times it will be projected on partners and children.
When you release your emotions and hate your parents for a short time, you will be tolerant of your parents. This is a process that you have to go through.
Besides, you don't need to change your relationship with your parents in reality.
Because you are no longer that girl and your parents are old, what you need to do is to restore them and yourself, not now, even if you hug your parents now, it is meaningless.
When you do this, you will find that the relationship in reality will also improve, but you don't need to give this letter to others, let alone show it to your parents.
In essence, this is a dialogue between you and your past self. You are interfering with your fragile self in a mature way and hugging the little girl (boy) that year, which is what counselors often do.
Writing has no structure, only emotion.
When you are alone, start writing letters, let all the emotions immerse in every word, and let the tears wet the writing paper. It doesn't matter.
Don't stop thinking about writing when you write a letter.
You can also read it out loud and scold it, it doesn't matter, because at this time, you are not you, you are the child, the long-lost child.
Therefore, you don't have to pay attention to any structure and grammar. This is a letter from the heart. The mind has no structure, only emotions.
Finally, you can tear some good letters into pieces, throw them into the sky, burn them or keep them. That's your freedom.
Similarly, you can write to your future, or you can write to your partner, enemy, predecessor and your children.
You can write for days on end. This is a way of connecting with your past and a way of self-healing. Have you learned how to write your thoughts?