Anything that happens in two people's leisure time involves the expression of self-state. When a person sends a message (a stimulus) to another person, he expects the other person to have a certain reaction. This process in which one party conveys a certain stimulus and the other party responds is the simplest communication. Simple communication involves only two self-states, while more complicated communication involves more (three or four) self-states. A conversation consists of many communications. When a person starts to communicate (or respond to the other person's stimulus), he can choose from which self-state to send his communication or stimulate the other person's self-state. This instinct is an automatic response in healthy people, and it can make appropriate response with the change of environment. In order to understand how a person gets along and communicates with others, communication can be divided into three types:
1, complementary transaction
When the direction of the stimulus and the place where the response comes from are in the same self-state, the answer is also pointing to the self-state of the stimulus. In the P-A-C diagram, it is parallel, and this kind of communication generally goes naturally and smoothly, and the expectations of both parties are also very harmonious. As long as complementary communication remains complementary, it can continue forever, or until it doesn't want to continue this topic.
2. Cross-trading
When the direction of stimulus and the direction of response are in different self-states, the direction of the answer may or may not come from the self-state of stimulus. It is crossed or parallel in the P-A-C diagram, and this kind of communication is mainly manifested as an unexpected response to stimulation. Causing inappropriate self-state and interrupting communication. At this point, people may shrink back, avoid each other or change the way of communication.
But staggered communication is not all bad. People may sometimes fall into an ineffective complementary communication mode. At this time, if we can change their self-state or guide them to another self-state, the communication will be staggered. And lead to useful ideas and opinions to face the problem, so that the next communication is meaningful. For example, A and B talk about the inner communication between children and parents: A: "I suck!" " "b:" cheer up! A: "I don't know." B: "Try it!" A: "No way! "B:" You're hopeless. "I told you, didn't I? "The above dialogue is invalid communication. If B asks himself as an adult, "What do you mean by what you say is not good! Or say to yourself like a child, "Oh, you should hear how bad I am!" "A's reaction may be different. For example, in psychotherapy, in order to urge patients (case owners) to change their views and ideas, cross-communication is needed. For example, when the case owner said that he was at a loss, he stood on the self of a learned child and looked for parents who would catch his heart. The counselor must choose to respond to him with different selves, thus interrupting his communication and making him turn to other beneficial selves to face the problem. Possible reaction of consultant:
A, the free child self: Oh, you are really wrong! How did you know?
B, my Lord: You have the ability to find a solution.
C. parents who are actively controlling: don't be indifferent to yourself and find a way to solve it.
Any of the above will interrupt the original communication and may make the case owner have different memories. When starting to use the thoughts of adults or free children, counselors can communicate in parallel to strengthen the behavior of their adults and/or free children.
3. Hidden communication.
Implicit communication contains more than two ego states, and information is transmitted from one or two egos to the other two egos at the same time. It conveys an open social information and another hidden psychological information. It can be dual (four ego states) or angular (three ego states). The result of implicit communication is determined by the content of psychological level, not the oral information of social level.
Angle-type hidden communication
The following communication is a message from a salesman to a buyer. At the same time, he immediately expressed a hidden message to let the buyer's children take the bait and decide to buy his products. This message is silent. We call it psychological tactics. The information between adult self and adult self is public, which is called social information. Respondents can answer from any self.
Double hidden communication
In implicit communication, the social level is usually through language; On the psychological level, you need to observe nonverbal cues. These can be found in tone, gesture, posture and facial expression. These nonverbal clues are also subtle clues, such as breathing, muscle tension, pulse frequency, pupil dilation, sweating degree and so on. In fact, every communication behavior has a social and psychological information. However, in implicit communication, the two are inconsistent, and the information transmitted through language is inconsistent with the information transmitted through non-language. This inconsistency is often an invitation from psychological games and negative emotions. The result of implicit communication depends on psychological information. Often only the parties themselves know the hidden information he sends. This kind of communication is not necessarily dishonest, but it often leads to psychological games and unpleasant endings.
Have you ever had an experience where your interaction with others ended with a very uncomfortable feeling, and then you said something to yourself:
"Why do I always encounter this kind of thing?" "Why is this happening again?" "I think he (she) should be different from others, but how can ..."
Would you be surprised to find that something similar happened before when things turned out like this?
If you have such an experience, you are playing a psychological game of communication analysis. Just like ball games or board games, psychological games have rules to follow. Eric berne was the first person who noticed "the predictability of psychological games", and he also put forward some methods to analyze psychological games. Below we will explore various methods of analyzing psychological games.
One, two examples of intellectual games
Example 1: Jay met Jane, fell in love with her and decided to live together. It was beautiful at first, but after a few months, the good days seemed to be over. Jay began to ignore Jane's needs and feelings, not only yelling at her, but also often coming home drunk and always "forgetting" to pay back the money.
Although he is so bad, Jane is still with him. The worse his attitude, the more she tolerates him. This lasted for three years. Jane suddenly left without warning and threw herself into the arms of another man. Jay came home and found a note saying that she would never come back. He was shocked and muttered, "How did this happen?" He went frantically to Jane and begged her to come back to him. The more he begged her, the more severely she refused him. He fell into a feeling of depression, abandonment and worthlessness. He tried to find out what went wrong and what another person had that he didn't have.
Strangely, Jay had the same experience twice before, and each time he said to himself, "Never again." But it happened again, and every time Jay felt dumbfounded and rejected.
Jay's game is called Kick Me.
Jane has had the same experience before. She had several men before she met Jay. They were all very kind to her at first, but they soon became very bad. She endured as a "little woman", but in the end, she suddenly abandoned each other. When she did this, she felt blameless and a little proud. She said to herself, "Yes, men do." Later, she developed the same story with another man.
This rare game is called "I got you, son of a bitch." Now I've got you, son of a bitch.
Example 2: Molly is a social worker. She is talking to a depressed patient.
Case: A terrible thing happened. My landlord kicked me out. I don't know what to do.
Molly (frowning): That's too bad. what can I do for you?
Keith (listless): I don't know.
Molly: Why not find a newspaper and see if you can rent another house?
Case: This is the problem. I have no money to pay the rent.
Molly: I think I can arrange for you to relax.
Case: That's very kind of you, but I don't want to accept other people's relief.
Molly: Then I'll arrange for you to stay in a youth hostel for the time being until you find a new place to live.
Case: Thank you, but I'm in such a bad mood that I'm afraid I can't stand living with many people.
Molly tried to think about whether there was any other way, but her brain went blank.
The case sighed, stood up and said, "Thank you for wanting to help me." I walked away unhappily.
Molly asked herself, "What the hell is going on?" She was surprised at first, and then she felt weak and depressed. She felt that she was really not a good helper.
At the same time, walking in the street, Keith is also very angry with Molly. He said, "Didn't she say she would help me? As a result, nothing can help. "
A similar situation has happened to them many times. Molly often wants to help the case owner and puts forward many suggestions, but the case owner doesn't accept it, which makes her very uncomfortable. Moreover, this case has always refused other people's help and is very angry with those who try to help him.
Their games often appear in pairs. Molly's game is called "Why don't you …?" (Why not ...? ), and the game of the case is called "Yes, but ..." (Yes, but ...).
Second, the definition of the game
There are some differences among communication analysts about the definition of game, so this is because Eborn himself has given different definitions in different works, and we tend to use Eborn's later definition, that is, six stages that conform to the game formula. According to EricBerne's definition, mental game is a series of communication when two people get along, but it contains a lot of double and ambiguous information, and it leads to some predictable results. The so-called ambiguity means that the surface is one thing, the inside is another thing, and it is double; All psychological games are manipulative, intentionally or unintentionally hiding what they want to express. For those who don't understand the game formula, we can explain it like this:
The game is to hide the intrinsic motivation in the process of doing something, and it meets the following conditions: 1. It is not within the consciousness of adult self; 2. Before the behavior changes, this motivation has not been clearly shown; As a result, everyone felt confused and puzzled, and everyone wanted to blame others.
Third, the typical characteristics of the game.
The game is repeated over and over again. Everyone will play their most familiar brain games over and over again, and the characters and backgrounds will change, but the game style is the same. Therefore, if the same situation happens repeatedly when getting along with people, we should pay attention to whether there is a game. We often hear a sentence: "Why does this always happen to me?" That's about it.
Games are beyond the scope of adults' self-awareness. Although people repeat the same game over and over again, they don't know it. Until the end of the game, he would ask himself, "Why did this happen to me again?" Even at this time, he didn't know that he had designed such a process and ending. Therefore, to know whether there is a game, we can see whether there is indifference from the relationship between them. Because the game contains indifference, ignoring yourself, ignoring others and ignoring reality. You may get a lot of comfort and attention when playing games, but they are all negative. Therefore, if there is a negative appeasement relationship between them, it means that there is a game.
At the end of the game, the protagonist will experience his twisted feeling.
There will be hidden communication between people who participate in the game. Under the surface communication, there will be hidden information being transmitted. In this process, people can find people who match the games they play. For example, when Molly offered help in a case, they all thought it was their purpose, but from the results, their hidden motives were completely different. From the "hidden information" they sent, we can see their real intentions. Molly wants to offer help but is not accepted, while Keith wants to refuse others' help.
The game includes a period of surprise or confusion. At this time, the protagonist will feel that something unexpected has happened, sometimes the role is exchanged. For example, Jay found Jane leaving briefly, and Jane suddenly decided to leave.
Think back to your recent uncomfortable experience with people, write down the process at that time, and check whether it contains the five characteristics of the game. What is your last feeling is very important. Does this feeling often happen to you?
Four, the three kinds of intensity of the game
First-class game: a socially acceptable level, usually a psychological game played with unfamiliar people. People who play games will be willing to tell the results to people in their social circle. Both of the above examples belong to this level. We can imagine Molly and her colleagues talking about their self-doubt during the break. Her case is in a bar, and her friends lambaste the incompetence of social workers. Most people will think that these things are nothing special. In fact, first-class games account for a large part of our general interpersonal communication.
The second game: I often play with close people such as relatives, friends, family and colleagues, and the ending is more serious than the first game. Bowen thinks it will lead to important changes in my life, such as divorce, leaving my job, and no contact between friends ... I don't want my neighbors to know these bad things. If Molly's case challenges her ability face to face, she may fall into deeper depression, be more reluctant to discuss with her friends, and even resign sadly.
The third game: it is the most serious degree. People who play games at this level regard the stage of life as an occasion for acting and psychological games, which leads to serious consequences, such as hospitals, courts and even funeral homes. Usually this level of games involves physical injuries, such as drug abuse, murder, rape and so on. If Jay and Jane fight harder, Jay may insult Jane, and Jane may get angry and finally pick up a kitchen knife and cut at Jay.
Verb (abbreviation of verb) formula game
A person playing a game is like bait for fishing, attracting a person to take the bait. As long as you take the bait, the game will begin. So, at least two people can play psychological warfare. If a person wants to invite me to start playing games and I don't give him any response, the game won't happen.
If you start a game, there will be a lot of long or short communication. The short may be two or three round-trip communication, and the long may last for months or even years. After the reaction, it will lead to some changes, bring some inexplicable feelings of confusion, and then the ending will appear. At this stage, sometimes, if you can calmly recall the whole process, you may be able to recall why two people started such a psychological game in the first place.
Ebern described the process of the game in six stages, which he called the game formula:
Bait+prey = reaction → transformation → chaos → cost
Scam+Trick = Response → Conversion → Crossover → Return
Example 1 Let's look at the game between Molly and her case. He told Molly that when she was driven away by the landlord, she hid a bait, which meant, "Although you want to help me, I won't accept it, hahaha." At this time, Molly became a hook (Ebern used the word gimmick to indicate that a person has some weaknesses and is easy to accept the bait of the other party). For Molly, her weakness may be that she has a parent's message in her head, "You must help others when they are in trouble."
The reaction stage includes a series of interactions, which may last for a few seconds, or may last for hours, days or even years. In this case, Molly made several suggestions and listed the reasons why the case did not open. On the surface, it only exchanged some information, but inside it contained several reactions caused by bait and prey. The change happened when Molly's skills were poor. The case says, "Thank you for trying to help me." Time. When Molly was surprised that the case left, it was the so-called chaotic stage. Both of them are at the expense of their distorted feelings. Molly felt depressed and incompetent, while Keith felt indignant.
Example 2 A traditional housewife came to the counselor and told her that her husband often lost his temper and even beat her and her children:
Counselor: Why don't you tell him how you feel?
Customer: What do you mean, you want me to tell him how I feel, I'm afraid of him? Don't! Don't!
Counselor: Why not?
Customer: Because he will laugh at me. Besides, it's hard for me to say this.
Counselor: Then why don't you get a divorce?
Customer: No, no, what will the neighbors say if I leave him?
Counselor: Maybe you can invite your husband here and we can talk together.
Customer: No, I don't think he will come.
Counselor: Maybe you can ask your relatives or friends to talk to him.
Customer: Well, you may be right. But I don't think my husband wants to tell anyone about our quarrel. He will be very angry.
Counselor: If he is angry, you are angry with him. Go back!
Client: (Very angry) I don't think you know anything about Taiwan Province Province. In Taiwan Province province, wives are not allowed to reply to their husbands. (Stand up at once) I think I'd better find another tutor!
This is a very common role-playing in mind games. When the client says "I'm in trouble, please help me", "bait" appears. And I'm a good person, and I want to help her, so I'm hooked. The client told a lot about her, and I gave her some creative suggestions, which was a "reaction". But after every suggestion, she always says "Yes, but …", which means it won't work. When she pushed the chair away and scolded "You are not a good tutor", it was a "reversal". So, I began to feel "confused". What does she want me to do? At the same time, there has also been an "ending". For the parties, there will be uncomfortable feelings. Because she came here with expectations and asked for help, but she didn't get it. She will prove in her mind that "I am innocent and the world cannot be changed", and this counseling process will not help the parties. This situation can be analyzed by formula G, and can also be seen by AC analysis diagram (Figure 8). The client seems to communicate with the tutor's A with A, but there are some nonverbal meanings hidden in it, which proves that "you are useless and can't solve this matter at all". If the tutor can solve all these problems in order to "prove that he is a good tutor", then C, which sends a message from P to the client, is the "reaction" R between two people when these inner nonverbal thoughts are generated.
Try to describe the interlocking game between Jay and Jane. What are the six stages of the formula? Divide the examples of the game you want into different stages. What is the hidden information at each stage?
Six, Drama Triangle (drama triangle)
Stephen Capmann designed a simple and powerful graph to analyze psychological games, which is the so-called drama triangle (Figure 23- 1). He believes that as long as you play mind games, the protagonist must belong to one of the three roles of persecutor, rescuer and victim.
Persecutors belittle and look down on others.
The rescuer also looks down on others, which is not good, but his way is to help others from a higher position. He thinks, "I must help others because they are not good enough to help themselves."
The victim thinks he is inferior, which is not good. Sometimes, victims will ask their persecutors to wink at them, or ask for help to affirm their belief that they can't handle it themselves.
Figure 23- 1 Drama Triangle
Every role in the drama triangle implies indifference. Persecutors and saviors ignore others. Persecutors ignore the value and dignity of others, even their right to live a healthy life. Rescuers ignored the ability of others to think and act independently. The victim neglected himself. If he is looking for a persecutor, he will think that he is unimportant and worthless. If he is looking for a savior, he will depend on others and will not think, act or make a decision.
Take a minute to write down the words you think can be used to describe the persecutor, and then describe the rescuer and the victim.
None of these three characters are real. When a person is in this role, they are reacting to the past, not living in the present. They are dealing with things the way they were children or the way they learned from their parents. In order to show the unreal nature of these three characters, the first letter is capitalized, and the lowercase words indicate the persecutor, rescuer and victim in real life.
Let me give you an example to illustrate:
There was a housewife who had a busy day and was in a bad mood. Besides, her children are sick and noisy ... so she has no time to prepare dinner. And Mr. Wang is back, and today's work is not very smooth. Ask your wife if dinner is ready as soon as you enter the door! The wife cried and said, "You don't care about me at all except eating!" " "At this time, my husband began to get angry and felt that it was a matter of course to go home for dinner after work, while my wife kept complaining and being sad. According to this situation, the husband is the role of P and the wife is V. Soon the child comes back and says to his parents, "I don't like watching you quarrel like this. You frightened the life out of me. Stop arguing! " "At this time, the son is R, and the mother may change from V to P. She said to her son," Never mind the adults, children, and go back to your room. " Father said, "Look at you. Is this the attitude of disciplining children? " ...... Maybe the family plays P.R.V psychological games all night and changes roles at any time, and there will be an "ending" in the end-maybe the wife threw herself in the bedroom and cried for two hours. And the husband will say, "this is like a place where people live!" " "Then, he left home and got drunk with a friend. Either way, both husband and wife will feel uncomfortable. Because through these exchanges, they further verified their views on themselves and each other in their hearts.
Take an example of a traditional housewife as an example: the client has been in V, and the tutor is R, but the client has changed from V to P in anger, and the tutor has also changed from R to V. Whenever the role of the play changes, that is, the switch in the G formula is reversed. Every game has at least one "reversal". The counselor may also say to the client, "I don't think you want me to help you at all." Go away. I don't want to talk to you. " At this time, the tutor is P and the client is V.
Every role in the drama triangle implies indifference. Persecutors and saviors ignore others. Persecutors ignore the value and dignity of others, even their right to live a healthy life. Rescuers ignored the ability of others to think and act independently. The victim neglected himself. If he is looking for a persecutor, he will think that he is unimportant and worthless. If he is looking for a savior, he will depend on others, can't think, can't act and can't make a decision.
None of these three characters are real. When a person is in this role, they are reacting to the past, not living in the present. They use the methods they used as children or learned from their parents to deal with things. In order to show the unreality of these three characters, the first letter is capitalized. If lowercase, it means persecutor, rescuer and victim in real life. Can you think of the real life of a persecutor who is not a persecutor? Give an example to illustrate the difference between a real rescuer and a rescuer. Is it possible that the victim is not the victim?
Usually in psychological games, a person is a role at first, and then he will be transformed into another role, which is equivalent to the transformation stage in the game formula. In the process of playing "Kick Me" game, Sister Ru started as a persecutor, and when Jane left, Sister Ru became a victim.
Can you think of the real life of a persecutor who is not a persecutor? Give an example to illustrate the difference between a real rescuer and a rescuer. Is it possible that the victim is not the victim?
Usually in psychological games, a person is a role at first, and then he will be transformed into another role, which is equivalent to the transformation stage in the game formula. In the process of playing "Kick Me" game, Sister Ru started as a persecutor, and when Jane left, Sister Ru became a victim.
How did Jane, Molly and her case change in their game? In your own example, how did it change?
Seven, why play games?
1. Strengthen your original life script and collect some volumes to exchange the expected results.
2. Live in your outdated but accustomed way.
3. Strengthen your thinking about yourself, others and the world in your life script.
4. Reaffirm your original life orientation.
5. The game originated from the unresolved childhood relationship, which may be to continue to maintain the unhealthy relationship, or it may be the result of resistance. The existing frame of reference can be maintained and the responsibility can be shifted to others.
6. A reliable way to get a strong guarantee (whether positive or negative).
7. Aberdeen's six benefits:
(1) Inner psychological advantage (keep your life script faith)
⑵ External psychological advantages (avoid accepting challenges to your reference architecture)
(3) Internal social advantage (providing the illusion of being close to others)
(4) External social advantages (the topic of chatting with people)
5] Biological advantages (to meet the comfort needs)
[6] Existence advantage (affirming one's life orientation)
8. What kinds of games are there?
Since Aberdeen wrote the best-selling book Games People Play, everyone has been talking about all kinds of psychological games. Here, we are concerned about the process of the game, not the names of various games, so we classify it from the transformation of roles.
1, the persecutor becomes the victim.
(1) Kicking me (kicking me, begging for beating, begging for scolding) is not really kicking, it is psychological. Put yourself in a certain situation, causing others to look down upon, abuse and so on. For example, deliberately breaking established rules and making offensive behaviors.
(2) Police and police; Robber (who challenges laws or public power and is punished or arrested for it)
(3) Defects (finding fault again and again, only to be rejected by others), such as picking on other people's small faults, shortcomings and mistakes.
(4) If there were you (if not you ...)
The victim became a persecutor.
(1) nigsobo (now I got you, son of a bitch) now I got you, you son of a bitch! For example, someone once hired a plumber to repair the water and electricity at home. The repair cost was stated about 500 yuan in advance, but the bill received afterwards said 550 yuan. He was very angry and swore that the plumber was dishonest and dishonest ... In fact, he could calmly tell the other party that it was a mistake that the price was different before and after the incident. People who play this game look for opportunities to find excuses to scold others and deal with others.
Yes, but ... (You are right, but ...) In the face of other people's help, you always answer with "yes, but", which means it won't work.
(3) Rapo (the sexual version of Niger)
(4) Being stupid (you can't think you are stupid) and being poor (you can't control yourself) have nothing to do with IQ. Players often behave like idiots in their behaviors and actions. For example, my husband and I have lived in the same house for eight years and are familiar with everything at home. But he often asks me, "Where are the scissors?" I told him for the first time, but he came back two minutes later and asked, "Do you know where the tape is?" I also said. After a while, he asked again, "Do you know XXX's phone number?" At this time, I began to get impatient. At this time, I will probably become a persecutor. Because he has been playing the role of "idiot". In fact, he knows exactly where these things are, but he comes to me again and again. What he really needs may be that I give him more care and attention.
5. Wooden legs (a variant of Poorme) People who play this game have a mentality: "I have a wooden leg and I can't walk very well. What can you expect from me? " When faced with other people's demands, use this as an excuse to refuse.
[6] Do something for me (also called watching what you made me do and condemning those who helped me for not helping me)
3. The rescuer became the victim.
(1) I just want to help you (I just want to help you) For example, a busy man who never takes a vacation promised his family to take them on vacation for three days at the weekend. But on Thursday, a friend said to him, "Hi! You promised to help me repair the roof this weekend, have you forgotten? " So he promised to repair it on Saturday. But he forgot that he had promised to take his family for the weekend. It can be seen that he has trapped himself in a situation that disappoints everyone around him, and he also believes that "no matter how hard I try to help others, others will not appreciate me." He didn't understand that the result was due to his own behavior.
Why don't you … (Why don't you …)
4. The Savior becomes a persecutor.
See how hard I work (see how hard I work)
The names of these games are artificially added, mainly to emphasize some typical characteristics of games in the process of human interaction. Most people play games without specific names. So when others don't ask you for help, but you want to help others, you are playing the role of savior. I want to emphasize in particular that helping others is a good thing, but helping a person who really needs help is not the same as being a rescuer. When you play the role of savior, you are ignoring the ability of others to solve problems by themselves.
Nine, how to face the game?
1. Option: This skill, combined with your knowledge of mental games, can effectively help you cope, so that you can avoid falling into the game, jumping out of any stage of the game, or "inviting" others to play the game, but there is nothing you can do.