Jia Jia's trembling voice betrayed her heart. I thought that the entanglement of more than three months had made my heart as firm as iron, but when I said this sentence, my heart still could not help but twitch and hurt.
I expected something, but there was still no response.
Although the present husband has slept in the same bed for six years, at this moment, he has made Jia Jia feel a sense of alienation. I don't know if it's because the smoke ring of my fingers exaggerates the atmosphere. Jia Jia's eyes have a fever and his thoughts want to drift away. Good memories of the past are endless, and this time is particularly inappropriate.
"See you at the Civil Affairs Bureau in a week."
With that, he turned and left, leaving a cigarette butt and lingering memories.
Take care of yourself and want to say more, but Jia Jia's throat seems to be gripped by a stiff hand. She wants to say it, but only she can hear it.
Memories and reflections on the past
Teenagers in white clothes are horses in the wind.
The bell smiled and pointed to the flower.
I'm Jia Jia. Three months ago, I never thought my marriage would come to this. I've always heard that things change, but such a change has happened.
I read too many stories when I was young. Later, the princess married the prince and Cinderella married love. Then they were very happy together. The ending of a story is always a follow-up in one sentence. What happened afterwards? No one told us what it meant to live a happy life later. They just say that you will be happy when you find someone who loves you, but no one tells us how to be happy. So:
When the wind, flowers, snow and the moon fall,
When I hate to see the night and fall into an ancient well without waves,
When tenderness and sweetness turn into a mess,
No one told us how to deal with it, and no one told us whether these things should also happen in marriage.
It is because we lack crisis awareness and take everything for granted, so when a crisis occurs, we are often confused, questioning, blaming, complaining and hysterical, but we will not accept and solve the problem. Because in our hearts, what we think has always been beautiful, and the possible crisis has always been ignored. Therefore, once there is a problem in marriage, we will become helpless, our thoughts will immediately get out of control, and our marriage will become precarious.
We lived in a different place for three years and experienced six years of wind and rain. It is not easy to run a small family nowadays.
We are high school classmates, and the university is a different place. After a class reunion, we mistakenly became lovers. Yes, he chased me. We were together in sophomore year. Although we were together at that time, we only met on holidays every year because of different places. I used to worry about our relationship. Long-distance love is really difficult, but because of his support, we actually resisted for three years.
He is very kind to me. I am an only child, and I feel like a lady. Every time I quarrel with him, he coaxes me and please me, so I know it's really not easy to meet such a person who is willing to bow down for me. He can only spend the rest of his life with me. So after graduating from college, we met our parents early and put marriage on the agenda.
We got married on 20 14. In the past six years, our relationship has been very good. Everyone who knows us says that we are husband and wife. In their eyes, we have always been a model husband and wife.
As for when our relationship is in crisis, I don't know. To tell the truth, if I hadn't discovered his chat three months ago, I might have always felt that we were in love and had no emotional problems.
Women may always be so ignorant, or men may be born hunters and can do anything they don't want others to know.
We had a big fight that night, and it was because of this that I realized that the so-called happiness was what I thought. In his mind, our marriage has long lost its original flavor, and all his previous performances were coping and perfunctory.
At first, I thought all his criticisms were aimed at rationalizing his infidelity, so in my mind, he was no longer the responsible man before, but a love rat full of lies. I want everyone to see his hypocrisy, so I brought these things about his infidelity to our home. Within a week, all my relatives at home knew, and as I hoped, everyone stood on my side to speak for me. Moreover, he is becoming more and more silent and has less and less communication with me.
I was in Lacrimosa almost every day when I found out that he cheated me. I cried all over the world about his unfairness to me, while desperately trying to get information about the third party from him. In the face of my questioning, in addition to silence, his resistance became stronger and stronger.
In the next two months, I gradually regained some sense and began to sort out our relationship. People are like this, they can't grow without ups and downs, but even if I try to change the way I communicate with him, he is still lukewarm. For me, I can accept that he quarrels with me, but I can't accept that he faces me in such a cold and violent way, so every attempt almost ends in discord. In this way, our communication is getting less and less, and there are more and more disputes, but he and the third party are still not broken. It was not until the third month that we failed to communicate again that he told me that he was going to divorce and move out of the house a week later.
I had no idea that this would happen. Even if I find him cheating, I don't want to divorce him during this time. I don't want a divorce, whether because of years of feelings or for the sake of children, I don't want us to end up in divorce. In the process, I went to our friend to persuade him, but his attitude was still very cold.
The present situation is really beyond my expectation. In the process of entanglement, I was lucky enough to see some articles written by Teacher Wang Bei, and added them to Teacher Wang Bei's WeChat with the mentality of giving it a try. After a brief exchange, Teacher Wang Bei combed my marital status and problems in detail. If you have similar emotional problems, you can add teacher Wang Bei (wangbei04223 18).
Teacher Wang Bei's analysis: 1 The influence of family background leads to the lack of love and the ability to be loved.
After nearly two hours of telephone communication, Teacher Wang Bei asked me a question, which deeply influenced me: Will you love someone? Do you know how to enjoy being loved?
Hearing this sentence, I was completely stunned. After so many years of marriage, will I love someone? What does it mean to have sex with someone and how can you enjoy being loved? I don't know. Wake up the dreamer in one word.
Because of the influence of family background, to be honest, I have always hidden an emotion called inferiority complex in my heart. I thought I had got rid of this emotion, but it has been in my subconscious and affecting my life.
Love is never an instinct, but an ability. Similarly, enjoying being loved is also an ability.
What is the state of loving someone? I'm not trying to give each other. Without direction and method, you will not only get the response from the other party, but even bring a burden to the other party. Many people will have this understanding of feelings: as long as I pay enough, then I will be able to touch each other, and then I will get his love for me. If so, there wouldn't be so many licking dogs and spare tires in the world. We often see such a scene around us: many people put down their dignity in pursuit of their goddess and almost do whatever they want, but in the end they often get the other side's sentence "You are a good person, but we are not suitable" and let it go. It's simple. Let's give the simplest example. When a person is thirsty, we hand him a steamed bread. Maybe this steamed bread is all you have, even if you haven't eaten for three days, but you think the other person is in a wrong state and then you give him the only steamed bread on an empty stomach, because you may have moved yourself to tears, but the other person didn't touch it, and even thought that your continuous beating was a kind of pressure on him. He was not moved, but wanted to escape.
Such scenes are very common in my marriage. Usually, when my husband is on a business trip, I often send him messages and call him, because I am worried that he will not eat well and wear warm clothes alone, so I can arrange all his life and itinerary properly. I thought he could feel it because I loved him, but he thought it was my control over him.
Until the day of our showdown, he also accused me of smashing all my little confidence:
Chen Jiajia, do you think you really love me all these years? Do you think you do these things because you love me? Why do you feel that you are the smartest person in the world, and no one else can compare with you? You know what I want? You always say you love me, so please, do you know me? I have been like a puppet all these years, and I can never help you in your eyes. No matter inside or outside, no matter in front of relatives and friends, you will always make decisions for me. Any of my suggestions will never be mature in your eyes. Any decision I made was full of loopholes, so I accepted boredom. Since I am so poor, why did you choose me? Since I am so immature, why did you marry me? Are you a pervert? I feel like your son in front of you, always obedient! Always cooperate! Surrender forever! Stop your hypocrisy. I am tired of working every day. I've done enough for you for this family. I'm human too. I need to be recognized and need my own personal time and space. But you squeeze my life, limit my work and deny everything. I can't accept such love!
For him, he hopes that my love for him is not laundry and cooking, but more recognition, tolerance and trust.
Similarly, for me, the love I want is not just that he makes money to support his family. I hope he will chat with me after coming home from work, go out to bask in the sun with me on holidays, give me a little surprise on the anniversary, and give me more romance and love in the plain life.
In the past, when he had sex with me, I would say something insincere because I was shy or not confident. For example, in the third year of marriage, he sent me a bunch of flowers. I was actually very happy at that time, but because my child and mother-in-law were around, I didn't give him the expected response at that time, but said, "Why do you still do these fancy things when you are married?" You have me in your heart. I am satisfied with being good to me at ordinary times, and I will do these things. " When he heard my words, I could clearly feel his loss and unhappiness. Actually, it's not that I don't like him doing this. I was very happy when I saw him send me flowers, but I was embarrassed to say sweet words because the children and the old man were around, but now I think about it, it's really my fault. He should have been depressed and felt that his heart had been hit.
This is actually what teacher Wang Bei said about the lack of ability to enjoy being loved. If we enjoy being loved, then we should encourage and recognize each other. If anyone doesn't get the expected praise after paying, over time he will lose the motivation to continue paying and won't pay. So don't choose to be indifferent when the other party pays, and choose to complain when the other party stops paying.
2. Love needs to be expressed
There is not so much tacit understanding between people, and tacit understanding will not come naturally just because you are husband and wife. Tacit understanding needs to be cultivated. Love needs not only action, but also packaging and expression. The difference between humans and animals is that we have our own language and can express our inner thoughts and feelings, so don't guess and don't try to make others guess. Even if he really loves you, he may not be able to guess your inner feelings.
Many married women will complain like this. Why can't he see that I have paid so much for this family? Even when I asked him to help mop the floor, he would say:
"You do nothing at home every day. I work hard outside every day. Now I have to wait on you when I get home. Can you understand me? "
Such scenes happen occasionally in my family. I will be wronged, after all, it is not easy for me to work hard to run this family. In fact, I just want him to accompany me, but I will habitually express my emotions and give him a feeling of venting dissatisfaction, which makes it difficult for him to accept, not to mention that he can consider my feelings.
3. Separate beds during pregnancy lead to emotional fault between the two sides.
During pregnancy, because of physical and mental stress, I often can't control my emotions. At first, he could forbear me, but even if he made various concessions, I still couldn't adjust my emotional state, and even blackmailed and demanded him. So in order to prevent our contradiction from escalating, sleeping in separate rooms was the best choice at that time.
I thought sleeping in separate rooms was only temporary, and after the baby was born, our life could return to the previous state. But unexpectedly, he always finds various reasons and still chooses to sleep in separate rooms. Once I thought maybe he was really trying too hard, so I acquiesced in his behavior. But it was not until the problem broke out that I realized that this incident also left a hidden danger for our relationship.
4. Lack of effective coordination and perfunctory attitude laid a hidden danger for the subsequent outbreak.
My sensitivity to crisis is really not high, which is why I always thought our relationship was harmonious until I found out that he was cheating. As far as I know, it is normal for couples to have small quarrels in their lives. As long as the problem is solved, it is completely over. I think the relationship between us is better, because after every quarrel, most of him will make compromises and concessions. But in fact, such compromises and concessions have always been victims in his mind, which is why after our relationship completely broke down, he still turned over old scores with me, and every old score made me dumbfounded. I think, isn't this all over? Why little things make him vivid.
In fact, this is the lack of timely and effective coordination when encountering problems, and the perfunctory attitude has laid a hidden danger for the subsequent outbreak.
Teacher Wang Bei helped me make an analysis, and then gave me a detailed recovery plan according to my problems. If you have sisters with the same problem, you can also add Wang Bei 04223 18, Teacher Wang Bei.
Tutor's one-on-one guidance: After more than three months of entanglement, your husband's image has been completely destroyed. Now almost everyone around you already knows the fact that your husband is cheating, so it is his best choice for him to get rid of your present environment completely. Besides, every quarrel before has made it impossible for you to communicate calmly. In fact, your so-called communication means that you stand on the moral high ground to evaluate him and then forgive him. Even if your husband wants to turn back at this time, there is no way to turn back. Whether it's a broken jar or a broken jar, it seems to be his last choice to move forward and separate from you. Therefore, in the next service process, we must prevent further intensification of contradictions. We need to pay special attention to two points in the whole recovery process: the first is feedback, and the second is cooperation.
1. Build confidence and master the authority and dignity that a woman should have.
This is really important to me. From the discovery of my husband's infidelity to the present for such a long time, my emotions have been repeated between divorce and redemption.
When I am in a normal mood, I will think of his kindness, all the good things we used to have together, and that if I give up this relationship easily, my children will grow up in a single-parent family. I can't be so selfish. I can't leave my child without a father. Thinking that we once loved each other so much, I must save my husband and not give up our marriage.
When I have emotional breakdown, I will think about all kinds of bad things about him. I think that when I work hard at home and pay for this family, he is chatting with other women outside, which makes me feel extremely sick. Now this relationship also makes me sick. I've always wanted to get out of this relationship. I will cry hysterically, blindly and impulsively.
It is because of repeated emotions that I can't really solve the problem for so long. It seems that I have done a lot of redemption actions for this marriage, but when I think about it, those are all ineffective redemption methods, because what I call redemption is only a temporary impulse and weakness without a bottom line. If a woman doesn't even have the most basic bottom line and self-esteem, then no one can respect you and recognize you. In this way, your weakness and begging will only make the other party more unscrupulous. Once weakness has no bottom line, it will only make him farther and farther away from you.
There is another disadvantage of bottomless weakness, that is, when we put down our self-esteem to save it, but it has no effect, it will greatly destroy our enthusiasm and self-esteem, and it will also make us have an extreme idea that this marriage has no meaning of repair and recovery, and it is irreparable, so it seems that the only way I can go is divorce. Blind action is better than no action.
2. Remodel each other's communication channels and get along with each other, and make a breakthrough.
Marriage is a mirror, the second best opportunity for us to rebuild ourselves. The first is childhood. When we are madly in love, many problems will be automatically ignored and blocked by us, but with the passage of time, our feelings will gradually stabilize and those hidden problems will gradually be exposed. At this time, it is easy for couples to have some contradictions and estrangements. Moreover, during the period when my husband and I had problems, because I always regarded myself as the only victim, I often chatted and began to criticize him verbally during our communication. We can't communicate as calmly as before. Even if we have a rare communication opportunity with the help of our family, I am always alone, and he is perfunctory there.
But if this mode of communication and getting along is not changed in time, there is still no way to change the problem. Therefore, it is necessary and necessary to break through.
The service here has been going on for nearly a month. Through this month's teacher's hands-on guidance, I have a sobering feeling. It turns out that feelings get along and run in like this. Through this month's efforts, he finally told me what he really thought. Here, I am very grateful to the teacher for helping us, and I am glad that I have not given up on myself.
3. Use their own advantages to increase their emotional connection.
I have to say, destroying a woman is too simple. Nothing more than loving her first, making her fall in love with you completely, and then telling her that you are in love with another woman.
When I found out that my husband was cheating, I denied myself for a long time, always compared me with a third party, and asked myself countless times where I couldn't compare with her.
During that time, I denied my figure, my appearance, my inner cultivation and everything. Because I think he must have too many questions, so he cheated. In this emotional state of mind, I really can't believe that I can save my husband and repair our broken marriage by my own efforts. I felt useless at that time. Such emotions not only make me unable to face and deal with my broken marriage, but also affect my normal life.
But from the bystander's point of view, these negative thoughts are completely wrong. Not every man will cheat because his wife is nothing. Men's cheating can be simply divided into passion cheating, true love cheating and demand cheating. Every type of derailment is different, so the way to save it is different.
For my husband, his infidelity belongs to the third situation. There is no deep affection between him and the third party, nor does he choose to be with the other party because he wants to vent his desires. But because of the problems in our marriage itself, he is in an unbalanced and unfair state. In addition, after I met the problem, I never realized the seriousness of the problem, which led him to think that I didn't understand him, that I was selfish, and that the life with me had always been sacrificed and suppressed, so he would think that we were not suitable, and then he would take revenge to let his emotions vent.
Therefore, the following process tutor and I have re-combed our marriage process in detail, and also let me learn how to self-recognize, self-correct and self-improve in the future growth process.
1. Using deviance, there is an emotional barrier between the third party and the husband.
What the instructor said is actually not the crux of the problem between us, but we can do it or not. Because there is not much affection between my husband and the third party, but as a betrayed woman, I really can't forgive the third party easily. In order to catch my breath and insure our marriage, I must completely sever their relationship.
Regarding the third party, those who insult others and those who betray others will always betray others. In fact, the bottom line of men has always been very clear, that is, they are not allowed to be betrayed. And the third person can betray his marriage, stay with him, and then betray him to find someone else in the future. I have to say that once you grasp a man's psychology, sometimes it's hard for you to lose.
After the patient help and guidance of the tutor, I finally saved my marriage and repaired my relationship with my husband for more than 60 days.
In fact, in the process of repairing and saving my marriage, I also suffered a lot of negative voices. My girlfriend, friends and even my relatives all say, "A cheating man is like money falling on shit. Although valuable, it is also disgusting. In the face of such people, it is better to just throw away the divorce and live your own life. Such a person is not worthy. "
I know what they say is really good for me, but marriage is like drinking water. Only the parties know whether this marriage is worth saving, and only the parties know how to choose. Some people may be able to live alone with their children after divorce, but for some people, it is impossible to let go of marriage and let their children live in single-parent families in any case. So, if you still love him and he still has feelings for you, please don't be impulsive if you want to give yourself and your children a chance to get married.
Marriage needs management. I hope you get what you want.
A self-reported letter from a woman on the verge of divorce
I'm Wang Bei
Professional psychological counselor
I hope every frustrated you.
People who can wait until they get home
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