First, love counseling
As long as there are only two kinds of counseling involving love, it must not be complicated. One is that you can't find an object, and the other is that you have found a breakup.
Can't find an object: from the perspective of psychological counseling, the conditions for challenging him are too high. There is only one reason why a person can't find an object, that is, the conditions are too high and there is no second reason. Fear of finding a partner is another reason, not a question of love, but social fear. Social fear is a disease, so you need to consult according to the idea of social fear.
Discovering that the object is scattered and lovelorn: consulting according to Socrates' debate. A lovelorn helper came to consult. She must have come to consult because of the pain of lovelorn. First of all, we should know that pain is an emotional experience. A person's pain is not because of lovelorn events, but because of unreasonable cognition of lovelorn events. A person is not troubled by events, but by unreasonable cognition.
Lovelorn person: "I love him so much, why doesn't he love me?"
"I love him so much, how can he fall in love with someone else?"
Her point of view is unreasonable at first. Love is a person's business. Let her express her point of view through Socrates' argument and interpret her irrationality and her mistakes according to her logic:
"If you love him, he should love you?"
"The door cleaner has been watching you here. He just said he fell in love with you at first sight. According to your opinion, you can just follow him. "
……
Negotiations usually end in a pleasant atmosphere.
Second, marriage counseling.
There are two kinds of counseling in marriage: one is that couples quarrel to consult; A couple have nothing to discuss.
This kind of consultation is a problem of communication, and it will not be caused by communication. Communication is divided into five levels:
The highest level of communication is communication.
All psychological problems are communication problems, either they will not communicate with others or they will not communicate with themselves. Communication is two-way, equal and there is no winner. The worst result of communication is that people with rich emotions can communicate even if communication is not in place.
Communication failed to become persuasion.
Persuasion is one-way and unequal, and the result is that one side wins and the other side loses. People who open their mouths to convince others can't communicate. If they win, they lose their hearts.
Persuasion can't turn into quarrel.
The psychological definition of quarrel is that couples want to exchange the most information in the shortest time. Quarrel is a symbol of war, and war is a continuation of politics. Once there is a war, there is no information exchange, and finally the quarrel becomes emotional communication. War will attack the key parts first, and so will quarrels. If you miss something, you will hear something.
Quarrel can't be resolved into a cold war.
The cold war is the end of the language of both sides, and the language is formed the day after tomorrow. Not talking is equivalent to returning to the original state. People cry before they are born. Crying is more accurate and primitive than laughing. Without language, body language began to be rich, and cold violence began, such as intentionally making a scene, crying, squinting and slamming the door.
Cold war settlement cannot be turned into negotiation.
Negotiation is about the distribution of property and the raising of children. When it comes to negotiation, there will be no feelings, and eventually the marriage will disintegrate. In life, don't talk, talk without feelings. People with low emotional intelligence will talk to their children, their husbands and whom. Home is not a reasonable place.
The five levels of communication from top to bottom are that the emotional color is getting weaker and weaker, and the rational color is getting stronger and stronger.
Usually, communication and persuasion will not come for consultation, and negotiations will not come for consultation. Negotiation is a lawyer and a legal solution. Only a quarrel will the cold war come to consult. Who will consult these two links just doesn't want to go to the negotiation step.
Behind all family problems, there are problems between husband and wife. The complainant is unloved. The way we solve the problem is to guide the helper from bottom to top, from negotiation-cold war-quarrel-persuasion-communication.
Shorten the space distance
We must first narrow the space distance between the two helpers. Only when people have spatial distance can they have psychological distance. Narrowing the spatial distance also narrows the psychological distance. Quarrel is an outlet of emotion, and it is impossible for people not to quarrel. Because of feelings and goals, two people quarrel, and husband and wife quarrel to narrow the space distance as much as possible. In principle, we shouldn't quarrel over the phone.
Body contact
How much truth is not as good as physical contact. Touch can awaken the deepest attachment and the most primitive emotion. When a person is depressed, the best way is to touch, so is husband and wife, and so is between parents and children.
Fixed point timing
Fixed-point can solve the space distance, and quarrels come from passivity, so we should turn passivity into initiative. Being a woman is the most taboo for nagging all day. Children don't like listening, and husbands don't like listening. You can set a fixed time, such as quarreling at home from 7: 00 to 8: 00 on Wednesday night. Usually you can prepare how to make a sound, or you can write it out in words first. Writing changes from perceptual response to rational response, and the text is highly rational. Arguing at a fixed time and place can also make people rational, which is an important technology to solve quarrels.
Women talk too much, which is the reason why the family is speechless. When women talk, they all say, and in the end they will only leave each other with one word "hmm", "good" and "oh". Who is to blame? Why doesn't my husband care about you? Because you care too much about him, you are too capable and strong, so you don't need to care. Who needs care? Weak people, it is very important for women in the family to show weakness.
Psychological counseling, wandering between sensibility, rationality and understanding, should follow the feelings in counseling.
2020.6.9