Questions to avoid when talking to people.
In the process of communicating with people, some situations are to be avoided. Once you step into a minefield, your communication with others may be interrupted.
(1) In any case, all arguments should be avoided.
You like to argue with others. Do you think that if you can overwhelm the other side with arguments, you can get huge benefits? In fact, you can't beat each other. Even if the other party gives in on the surface, you will be angry in your heart and you will not get any benefits. Quarrel will hurt others' self-esteem, so they will resent you and lose some friends. Aggressiveness is the characteristic of most people, and no one is willing to give up, so all arguments are unnecessary. If you can always respect the opinions of others, your opinions will be respected. What you advocate is easily supported by others. You can realize your own ideas, you can influence other people's plans, but you don't get it by arguing.
(2) Speaking in a questioning tone is the easiest way to hurt feelings.
Many couples are at odds, brothers are at odds, and colleagues are not good, all because one party likes to talk to the other with a questioning attitude. It is unnecessary to ask questions except at the scene of the debate. If you think the other person's point of view is wrong, you might as well say your point of view at once. Why ask a question first to embarrass the other person? Some people like to correct others' mistakes in a questioning tone, which is enough to destroy the feelings of both sides. People who are questioned are often at a loss and their self-esteem is greatly affected. Respect for others is a necessary condition for the art of conversation. Embarrass each other, and a quick decision is not good for people or themselves. You don't want others to hurt your dignity, and you must not hurt others' self-esteem.
(3) Don't let the other person feel that you are criticizing him.
Of course, the inappropriate part of the other party's conversation should be corrected, but the appropriate part should be praised significantly. It is easy for the other party to be persuaded because of your fairness. When you change the other person's opinion, you'd better try to secretly transplant your own meaning to him, so that he feels that he corrected it himself, not because of your criticism. For those irreparable mistakes, from the standpoint of friends, you should seriously correct them, rather than severely criticize them, so that they will change when they know. When correcting the other party, it is best to use the tone of negotiation, and the tone of command is not effective. Pay attention to save or stimulate the other person's self-esteem.
(4) Don't pretend to be an expert on things you don't know.
Pretending not to know is a dishonest act of deceiving oneself and others. Say as much as you know. Nobody asked you to make an encyclopedia. Even a very learned person must know something. Therefore, it is by no means a shame to confess your ignorance of something. On the contrary, others will think that your speech is worth considering, because you are not hypocritical and boastful.
Don't brag about your private life to strangers.
Such as your personal achievements, your wealth, or how great your son is. Don't take your friends' shortcomings and failures as conversation material in public, don't always repeat the same topic, and don't complain and complain everywhere. Complaining and complaining are not good means to win sympathy. Don't open your mouth.
In the process of our interpersonal communication, it is not difficult to find that everyone likes to listen to pleasant words. Hearing these words is like "magpies singing branches", which makes people feel happy, so they will have a good impression on the people who say these words. What people hate most is to hear words that belittle themselves and deliberately pick the wrong ones. Hearing these words is like "crows crowing on the head", which makes people feel disappointed and depressed, thus causing disgust and even disgust to those who say these words.
Therefore, it is particularly important for us to pay attention to these problems in interpersonal communication and skillfully use eloquence skills.
(1) Share the joy of others' success, and don't belittle people's achievements in any way at will. Even a little progress will involve hard work, so I hope to get affirmation and praise from others. Therefore, in the usual communication, if you use eloquence to properly affirm each other's achievements, it will make them feel a sense of accomplishment and fully enjoy the joy of success. On the other hand, if you deny others blindly, you will disappoint others and even suffer.
This happened once in an office, where Lao Li's daughter happened to take the college entrance examination this year and finally got a good score of 630. Lao Li was very happy and announced the good news in the office. I didn't expect Lao Zhang to take the lead and say, "630 points is average." I heard that Tsinghua is high enough this year, and your niece's application to Tsinghua is enough! "Lao li heard Lao zhang, and his face suddenly turned from sunny to cloudy. At this very embarrassing time, Xiao Chen in the office said, "It's amazing to get 630 points this year! I have a friend whose children also took the college entrance examination this year, and only got more than 580 points. Your daughter is great! When we arrive in Tsinghua, we will all go to your house to congratulate you! "Then, my colleagues in the office chatted one by one. Lao Li was surrounded by this sincere congratulations and immersed in joy. But Lao Zhang was snubbed by everyone and couldn't get a word in.
(2) Be interested in other people's love, and don't be picky.
Almost everyone has something they like or cherish. The host takes out these things in front of you, hoping to get your praise and admiration. If you can use your eloquence to tell the value of treasures, it will make the owners of these treasures feel ashamed and further deepen their contacts with you. If the master's carefully treasured love is belittled by others, it will undoubtedly be a very strong spiritual blow, and he will feel disgusted and disgusted with those who say these words.
A friend celebrated his birthday and invited relatives and friends to a restaurant for dinner. He also specially put on a milky white silk tie he bought when traveling to Hong Kong, and he felt very good about himself. Before the banquet began, he made a toast to everyone in high spirits. When I got here, a friend next to me suddenly said, "Dude, this tie is out of date!" " What age is it now? Look, what's on it? Bump! "Hearing this, my birthday friend looks ugly. He couldn't say a word for a long time. Someone quickly stood up and said to the friend who couldn't speak, "You amateur! "This is a silk tie, which is very expensive. Moreover, this tie will not wrinkle, no matter how many years, it will still be as good as new. " Other people at the table responded immediately, praising the host's tie as precious and unique. A friend who lives for a purpose smiled comfortably, and just a few words made this birthday. The banquet continued in a pleasant atmosphere.
(3) For other people's clothes, we should respect their personality and don't be picky at will.
Everyone has his own aesthetic taste and his favorite clothes. As the saying goes, "radish and cabbage have their own love." As long as the other person likes it, there must be a reason why he likes it. As a bystander, you should praise it as a connoisseur, not as a critic.
Xiaojie traveled to Tibet a few days ago and bought a Tibetan thick wool shawl as a souvenir. Usually, she likes to go shopping on her shoulders and is very satisfied with this shawl. But one day, she wore this shawl to a college reunion. When her former best friend Wang Qian saw her, she was very surprised and said, "Why did you put the sofa on your shoulder?" ! I don't think this is for you. "The little hero was red in the face and embarrassed. It's not taken off or covered. At this moment, another old classmate immediately came over and said, "Don't joke with Xiaojie! This is a treasure with Tibetan characteristics. Foreigners pay a high price to buy it for collection! Why don't you buy me one? I forgot my old classmates! " Her words completely eliminated the embarrassing atmosphere, and several former friends continued to talk about the good old days in laughter.
(4) Recognize the value of other people's products and don't maliciously reject them.
In fact, except for special items such as antiques, most of the other things are brand-new and later out of date. Although a little old-fashioned, these things are still of great use value, so owners often cherish them very much. Others should praise his virtue of thrift, instead of arbitrarily belittling and accusing others of being conservative and backward.
I have a neighbor, Lao Wu, who used to be a car driver in kindergarten. After retirement, he spent more than 20,000 yuan to buy a semi-new stroller that was handled in the park. The modified car can seat seven or eight people. Every weekend, Lao Wu likes to take several neighbors to the suburbs to play, wade, climb mountains and explore. Everyone left happily and went home. But one day, the car stalled on the road. When Lao Wu was repairing the car, one of his young girls got impatient and complained, "Where can I pick a garbage truck to drive?" As soon as her words came out, she became a target of public criticism Everyone attacked her and called her "crow mouth". Someone said, "An old horse knows the way. Lao Wu has understood the temper of this car and can fix it soon. Don't worry! " After the car was repaired, Lao Wu claimed not to let her get on the bus and let her take a taxi home! Everyone persuaded Lao Wu to pull her into the car. Everyone talked and laughed all the way, but Ms. crow mouth was silent. From then on, she was embarrassed to participate in the outing organized by Lao Wu.
(5) Be aware of the bright spot of others' "creation" and don't criticize it deliberately.
There are not many "masterpieces" that a person can get, and what he is most proud of is often the crystallization of his own hard work. These people show their proud works to others, hoping to be appreciated by others and "sit up and take notice" of him. This recognition from others will increase his sense of accomplishment and pride. Therefore, in interpersonal communication, you should be able to grasp the psychology of these people and say what they want to hear, so that you can get closer to them.
Gao Ning and his wife are ordinary wage earners, old and young, and their family's economic situation is not rich. The year before last, I took out my half-life savings and finally bought a two-bedroom affordable housing. Without money, they do it themselves. The couple got up early and worked in the dark for two months. The house was finally completed, and the whole family was very satisfied. Lao Gao specially invited relatives and friends to be guests, and everyone was full of praise. Only his sister-in-law found fault everywhere: one minute she said the bathroom was too small, and the other she said the faucet in the bathroom was too high; One minute he said that the chandelier in the living room was too dazzling, and the next minute he said that the lighting in the master bedroom was too dim ... A "crow's mouth" chattered in the crowd and always sang the opposite. Lao Gao's eldest brother spoke: "I think this house is well decorated!" Beautiful, generous, practical, good materials and low cost. I renovated that house last year and hired a contractor to spend more than 20 thousand. There's nothing like it. Brother simply "went to sea" to start a decoration company and won l "Lao Gao was very happy to see his" excellent work "appreciated by everyone and talked endlessly about his" experience ".
In the field of communication, people with a "crow's mouth" often become some disgusting tragic figures. What is really popular is the "magpie" that gives good news. They can always find the bright spots of others, be good at creating happiness, create a peaceful atmosphere, be kind to others and be likable. I hope my friends don't be annoying crows in the communication field, but try to be auspicious magpies!
Get rid of the bad habit of "funnel mouth"
Everyone saw the funnel. No matter what kind of liquid it is, as long as it is poured into the funnel and through its long "mouth", it won't take much time to leak everything inside. Some people talk like a funnel. No matter whether they should say it or not, they will say it all at once without leaving a trace. We describe these people as "funnels", which are both accurate and vivid. Xiaoyun just graduated from college and finally found a satisfactory job. However, on her first day at work, the leader arranged for her to do odd jobs in the office. Xiaoyun was deeply disappointed and felt that such an arrangement was a contempt for himself. She is a "frank person". She tells all her feelings, which makes everyone in the office unhappy, because any newcomer starts with these simple things. Soon Xiaoyun had an opinion about another female colleague, and even told the leader about the shortcomings of this female colleague's work. Although there are many pertinent opinions, it makes this female colleague unhappy, and as a result, the relationship between colleagues is stiff. After working for less than a year, Xiaoyun was worried about his "funnel mouth".
In fact, the "funnel mouth" is neither outspoken nor outspoken. Being outspoken is a straightforward temperament, which is manifested in the fact that the truth is in your chest and you don't spit it out; To stand up for justice is to speak bravely for justice and point out right and wrong for truth. Courage and sincerity are commendable. The funnel mouth is not like this. It doesn't ask right or wrong, true or false, true or false, whether it is related to the object or not, and no matter how effective it is, it says as soon as it has an idea, and transmits it as soon as it has information. It can be seen that this is really not a sign of good eloquence, but a very bad habit.
Then, what should I do if I have the problem of "funnel mouth"?
(1) First of all, we need to have a clear understanding of the "funnel mouth".
"Funnel mouth" is a bad way of speaking and habit. In order to get rid of the "funnel mouth", we must first have a clear understanding, fully understand the true face of the "funnel mouth" and see through its essence and consequences, so as to get rid of the "funnel mouth" as an active requirement and urgent desire, which provides a prerequisite for effectively getting rid of the "funnel mouth".
(2) cultivate a calm way of speaking
Speaking is a kind of communication and communication, and it is the need of communication between people. But we should obey the needs, be aware of the facts, be mature in thinking and weigh the advantages and disadvantages. Be patient, think carefully first, it's not too late to speak slowly, say something useful, positive and urgent. In particular, we should show good moral cultivation, and don't say those irresponsible words because of our own prejudice and personal resentment. Some people used to talk fast. When they feel the troubles caused by the "funnel mouth", they begin to consciously strengthen self-control and improve their sense of responsibility and morality. Some people even take the method of forcing themselves to shut up and ridicule this method as "closing the gate", that is, closing it even when it reaches the throat. Then according to the situation, say what should be said and what should be said, and swallow back what should not be said and what cannot be said, so that the "funnel mouth" is corrected.
(3) seriously consider the consequences before speaking.
Everything we say in our interaction with others is purposeful and result-oriented. If you have a "funnel mouth" problem, you should think about what consequences your words will lead to, whether your words and actions will be truly recognized by the public, and don't be confused by temporary appearances. If we can think like this, we will be alert to ourselves, pay attention to rationality when we speak, and control it effectively. Some people have always regarded themselves as "knowledgeable people". He knows all the big and small things in the unit, and explains everything clearly every day like a press conference. But such a funnel mouth has also brought many problems to itself. Many people avoid him, some complain about his voice, and others are against him. If you can predict the result of your speech before you speak and swallow what you shouldn't say, you can get rid of the problem of "funnel mouth"
(4) Treat people with appreciation.
To overcome the problem of "funnel mouth", we should not only learn to be concise, but also look at people and things with appreciation. Look at the bright spots of others and be considerate of others; Or to understand and look at problems and things from the positive side, there will be no words that can't be put down. Speaking is a healthy content, and a positive tone, even if it is more, has nothing to do with "funnel mouth".
Although Funnel Mouth is a gushing performance, it is not really a gushing performance, which often makes things worse. Keeping your mouth shut at the right time just shows that you are eloquent.
Don't say bad things.
There are many words and proverbs to describe the charm of speaking, such as: spitting lotus flowers, making sentences, making witty remarks, and a kind word that is warm in three winters. There are also many words and proverbs used to describe the potential lethality of speech, such as swearing, swearing, swearing in June, and a three-inch golden tongue is better than a million masters. ...
We might as well compare words to the sea, which can be described as beautiful and sometimes fierce.
This requires us to grasp the specific time, place and object of speaking, so as to achieve the purpose of seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages. When you speak, remember to "move the knife and move the gun" intentionally or unintentionally, which will often lead to more serious consequences-a small injury to feelings and a big bloody conflict.
The greatest tragedy of abraham lincoln's life is not that he was stabbed to death by a murderer, but his marriage. Mrs Lincoln is always angry and always says harsh words to her husband. For example, he does nothing right, his shoulders are crooked, he walks clumsily, he has no light energy, and his movements are not elegant at all. She even satirized Lincoln. His nose is crooked and his lower lip is protruding, which looks like a patient with lung disease. He said that his hands and feet are too big and his head is too small.
One morning, Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln were having breakfast. At that time, they lived in an apartment in Springfield. What did Lincoln do to make this hot-tempered wife so angry that she spilled a cup of hot coffee in her husband's face in front of other diners! Mrs Lincoln finally suffered from mental illness. Some people say that her violence is probably related to illness, which is perhaps the most generous evaluation of her.
Lincoln regretted his unhappy marriage and tried not to see his wife. Every Saturday, other lawyers always try their best to go back to Springfield to spend the weekend with their families, while Lincoln would rather live in a bad inn for many years than go home to endure his wife's hysterical madness and wanton irony.
People who always say that it is difficult to listen can't get the respect of others.
Things that cause misfortune and make people sigh often appear in newspapers because of gossip, malicious sarcasm and slander. Why? Psychologists explain that even people who are physically and mentally healthy may get out of control if they are angered by some unpleasant words. At this time, anything can happen. Some people think that making fun of other people's shortcomings or privacy is just a joke. This practice should not be advocated. After all, impolite and unfriendly words will make the speaker feel uncomfortable and insulted. And when he meets a person with high self-esteem, he can't accept it.
This is the truth that "hitting people without hitting their faces, swearing without exposing their shortcomings".
Avoid speech crisis
If a population is good, fluent in language and expressive, it can quickly achieve the goal of social success. However, some people are eloquent, but they don't have a bosom friend. Everybody stay away from him. The reason is that although he is glib and eloquent, he can't grasp the main idea of the conversation.
Generally speaking, to avoid speech crisis, we should pay attention to the following eight essentials.
(1) actively seek suitable topics.
Appropriate conversation content is conducive to the exchange and communication of thoughts and feelings between each other, which can increase both sides' knowledge and enrich their spiritual life. You can pay attention to the following aspects when looking for a topic. Hot topics in society. News and interesting things that people generally pay attention to are the most attractive, so try to find topics from such things.
The hobbies of both sides. * * * The same interests can make the conversation interesting. Find out the common interests of both sides and use them as a topic of conversation.
The work content of both parties. The same occupation is easy to cause * * *, and different occupations are more novel and attractive. We can find common topics of interest from the characteristics of the two occupations.
Our experience. Experience is knowledge, and the people and things you experience personally often leave a deep impression on you. This kind of communication is the easiest to open your heart and speak freely.
The development direction of both sides. Everyone cares about their future, and future and destiny are eternal topics. This kind of topic is the easiest to touch the most sensitive nerve of the other party.
Family status. Talking about family life is not necessarily tacky. Family is the cell of society, and the perfect harmony of family life is everyone's ideal. This kind of topic can be discussed at any time without preparation, and people with quick thinking can find a lot of life philosophy from it.
Mutual understanding of life, everyone's understanding of life determines their own world view, so talking about such topics is easy to cause * * *.
Attach importance to children's education. Children are the hope of parents all their lives, and their education affects the hearts of hundreds of millions of parents. Reiko Kobayakawa, Aiko and Jackie Chan are parents' empathy. When it comes to children, even introverts will be happy and talk a lot.
(2) There should be ups and downs in the conversation, and you can't say it directly.
There must be ups and downs in the conversation to attract the attention and interest of the other party.
The depth of the conversation should be carried out in the rhythm of ups and downs. It is boring to repeat common content monotonously.
Flexible use of exaggeration, metaphor, suspense, shaking the burden and other skills can make the topic more swaying and fascinating.
The expression and manner of the speaker should be rich and varied, and there should be obvious expressions of surprise, approval, doubt and joy.
(3) Use a more positive tone
Affirming other people's thoughts and hopes and agreeing with each other's actions are basic manners in conversation and an important prerequisite for winning people's hearts. Denying others is an adventure, and you may lose many friends because of it.
(4) Treat all kinds of information with an open mind.
Treat everything you hear with an open mind. Don't generalize, don't rush to deny, and don't rush to affirm. Instead, do a full analysis, don't listen to partial beliefs, and constantly seek evidence from reliable authorities to ensure the credibility of communication.
(5) Satisfy each other's sense of superiority
In social communication, people like to express their thoughts and opinions. If they can fully display their advantages, they can get psychological satisfaction. When we say we don't know, we create an opportunity for each other to be among the Almighty, which is the best way to get close to him.
(6) Pay attention to the language environment
To make a conversation attractive, we should first pay attention to the language environment. On some occasions, we must speak a language suitable for the environment. For example, when Italian President pertini visited China, he was warmly welcomed at Peking University. In response to the respect of young people, he said humorously, "I am nothing in front of young people." If you can give me youth, I would rather give you the presidency. " The sentence "I am willing to exchange the principal for youth" won warm applause from young people, because it is suitable for the campus environment of the university.
(7) Be honest when you refuse others.
If you really can't do what your friend asks, you should refuse his request. Don't be ashamed to say it because of your feelings, but express your meaning directly and clearly. Direct expression can reduce misunderstanding, avoid others' doubts, and not spoil the broth. Too hesitant, hesitant, indecisive, often will drag themselves into the quagmire, difficult to extricate themselves.
(8) Welcome friends to blame themselves.
Friends have differences of opinion, so it is best to communicate in time. Only if you are generous and humble, the other party will speak out boldly; If you are narrow-minded, being criticized by your friends will make you unhappy and hinder your speech.
Accurate evaluation between people is often the main purpose of conversation. Evaluating others is one aspect, and it is more important to know what others say about themselves. Therefore, it is necessary to deliberately create a relaxed conversation atmosphere, so that friends and colleagues can speak freely and talk endlessly, which will help to improve themselves.
—— Quoted from the Practical Eloquence Encyclopedia of Yanbian People's Publishing House.