"I can't even do this little thing well. What a fool. "
"You are too introverted to achieve great things."
This kind of judgment on others can be seen everywhere in our lives. You are too young, you are too rude, and you are too low.
This judgment is the most primitive means by which people try to manipulate each other.
Since we learned to understand words, our parents have been encouraging our "good" behavior with words like "You are a good boy" and "You are great".
At the same time, they will also use "you are so bad" and "you are so hot!" Such language to suppress our "bad" behavior.
Because we have been treated like this since childhood, and the whole society communicates and operates like this, few people realize that there is anything wrong with this-we know and define ourselves through the evaluation of others.
Through this "external evaluation system", each of us firmly maintains a large number of "social attributes". Driven by this "social attributes", we have a lot of pursuits, thus constantly creating "social values" to maintain the operation of society.
But the problem is that for you personally, if you accept the judgment of others, your understanding of yourself will become blurred, and at the same time, you will be manipulated by others to do what others want you to do according to their wishes.
But each of us has our own unique ideas, and the judgment of others will conflict with our own ideas, so this conflict will lead us to be in a state of "self-division".
Under normal circumstances, we can stick to being ourselves, focus on our own views, feelings and understanding of ourselves, and at the same time, we can selectively re-recognize and improve ourselves from other people's comments and suggestions.
The state of self-division often leads to: people will give up on themselves and play with themselves according to other people's expectations, opinions and evaluations. They will always doubt and deny their feelings, so that they can't tell what their true feelings are.
For example, when others insult his personality, he can't feel his anger, because he is called useless waste by others and doesn't deserve dignity;
For example, because someone is always denied by people around him, he will never feel confident and subconsciously think that he will always fail; )
So, are you often denied by your parents or close people?
Are there people around you who often think they know you and jump to conclusions about you?
Do you often hear people say to you, "You should do this and you should do that?"
Did anyone "encourage" you: you did a good job, come on!
Has anyone told you: I am very satisfied with you, and I will like you more if you go on like this?
Is someone nagging in your ear: Do you want to find a stable job, a good husband/wife and buy a big house?
So now you can't accept these people's "judgment" on you.
Not only those negative comments will make you doubt yourself, but also the encouragement and recognition of others will make you lose.
You should realize now that no one can judge you.
I know that when you see this, you instinctively want to oppose me: first, it's too absolute to accept other people's comments at all, isn't it?
Second, encouragement from others can sometimes play a very good role. Others' belittling you can sometimes urge you to forge ahead, and sometimes you can only see your own shortcomings by listening to others' opinions, so as to avoid risks and help you make better choices.
In fact, the problem is not the quality of the results, but our attitude towards this "external evaluation system".
If you can focus on your own thoughts and feelings, of course, you can selectively absorb other people's suggestions and opinions;
However, if you are used to following the external evaluation system for a long time, it is essentially meaningless to avoid risks by absorbing other people's suggestions and make progress by being belittled by others.
The key is that you have changed from "external evaluation system standard" to "self-cognition standard".
Because these are two completely different ways of thinking and living, you need an adaptation period. This adaptation period means that you need some trial and error and sacrifice, and it is a necessary sacrifice, because only making mistakes is the most profound way to change.
In other words, if you choose not to care about other people's comments and suggestions, you are likely to hit a wall and get frustrated, but only in this way can you form your own experience, you can face risks and setbacks alone, and you can grow yourself.
When people look at problems, they will almost instinctively ignore their own mistakes.
When we keep saying that "others can't define us", we are completely blaming others for our mistakes; But in fact, we often define and judge others ourselves.
"Xiao Li is so stupid, who will like him?"
"Dressed up so colourful? At first glance, it is a whore! "
"ouch! Look at Xiao Zhao's big gold chain, just to show off your wealth! "
In fact, such words often come from our mouths.
In order to prove that we have no bad places reflected by others, to balance our inner jealousy and anger, and to control others, we will also define and judge others.
At the same time, in order to avoid "identity anxiety", shirk responsibility and lack "self-acceptance", many people often define themselves and label themselves.
"I am a gourmet", "I am a woman" and "I am a very cowardly person"
In this era of information overload and excessive utilitarianism, people generally fall into the dilemma of not knowing who they are and being unable to describe and express themselves.
Therefore, labeling yourself is widely used as a means to alleviate identity anxiety.
When a person says "I am a woman", what she really wants to express is "I hope you think I am a girl with a distinct and unique personality."
It is this labeling behavior that is not an accurate description of yourself, but only by labeling yourself, let others have such an impression of themselves-I am strong, I am fashionable, I am cool, and so on.
When you don't finish your work well, when you do something wrong, when you are scolded by your boss and mother, you may subconsciously defend yourself: "I am a bad person!" "
By labeling yourself as a "person who can't do things well", I psychologically evade my responsibility.
But because you shirked your responsibility, you evaded the room for growth;
At the same time, the label "people who can't do things well" also restricts you, because you will really "do things badly" in the future.
And a person who lacks self-acceptance will be very good at denying himself in life. Labels such as "I'm not good enough" and "It's all my fault" stick to them like candy.
Because of these self-denial labels, when he attributed the problem, he almost subconsciously attributed the negative reasons to himself, but he could not realize the objective reality.
So, so the point is-
When a person's attribution tendency in dealing with problems is to point to his own mistakes, first of all, he can't cope with and deal with real problems, the problems on the objective level can't be solved, and he can't get exercise;
For this person, the problem he has to face becomes a problem of his own emotions and feelings;
But when people are deeply involved in emotional problems, it will only make emotional problems more and more serious; He will only make the feelings of self-denial and self-condemnation more and more painful.
So this person will become more and more fragile, so that he can no longer face and deal with real problems.
In fact, one point I want to convey in this article is that people can't be defined.
We live in a defined world.
By defining and labeling the existence in this world, we can simply classify and standardize things.
By definition, things become controllable and easy to understand.
We can get a sense of security because Xiaoli is a proud girl, so she will turn a blind eye to my goodness;
I am a spicy chicken, so I always fail;
In this way, we find a "reasonable" explanation for what happened, so that we seem to know the reason without facing the unknown fear-in fact, I don't know why Xiaoli rejected me or failed.
Humans are more afraid of the unknown than the truth.
But many times, things actually happen for no reason, or we can't find the answer through reasoning and checking.
However, we always use our own narrow "logic" to judge and define facts.
Of course, none of us can deny that defining things brings convenience to human life. We have greatly improved the efficiency of dealing with problems, and many times we can handle major problems well.
But the point is, for an individual, living in a defined world means that you live in a restricted world forever.
If you often define others, indicating that you choose to turn a blind eye to other bright spots in this person, you will have your prejudice and stereotype.
If you always define things, such as "only spicy chickens like to play badminton", "people who eat rabbit meat are perverts" and "how can men wear bras?" Then you may miss a broader and richer life experience.
If you always believe and accept others' definition of you, it means that the real "self" is suppressed. If you choose to believe that you only see what people think of you in one aspect, it will inevitably cause you to doubt yourself and be confused in other aspects of yourself.
If you always define yourself, it means that you limit your other possibilities.
Now do you realize how definition limits you?
Do you have to be a painter if you like painting?
At the age of 27, do you still want to consider having a baby on a blind date?
Do you like reading online novels, so it must be diaosi?
Did you get a look at him?
Definition limits you. People add many attributes to a definition, as if you meet a definition and have all other attributes at the same time.
So in order to make yourself look like you have the desired attributes, you try to meet a definition;
In order to avoid some attributes that you hate, you let yourself work hard without definition;
Do you understand this question?
It's like you just want to eat an ice cream, but at this time, "Is it naive for an adult to eat ice cream?" "A big masters should eat strawberry flavor! ! ! "These rules and definitions are holding you back.
But in fact, these rules and definitions don't exist at all, they are all created by ourselves to limit ourselves.
Eating ice cream doesn't mean you are naive. Xiaoli's refusal does not mean that she is a proud person. Just because you are introverted doesn't mean you can't do great things.
So you just need to remember one thing: there are not so many definitions and there are not so many causal relationships.
So how do you get rid of the defined world?
First of all, you should stop defining and judging others.
You know, you can't judge others again and again and say to yourself, I don't need to care about what others define me.
As a weapon to control others, when you try to control others with it, it is actually under the control of definition.
Then, you "choose" not to accept others' definition of you.
The point is your choice.
I think there must be several people who want to ask: How can I stop accepting others' definitions of me?
But in fact, the problem has ended here.
Just like I told you not to watch TV, jump on the second floor and masturbate in the future, all you have to do is stop what you used to do.
Of course, there will be many obstacles. You can't help but want to watch, masturbate and accept other people's definitions of you. But overcoming these obstacles is your own exploration process.
Finally, liberate yourself.
Emancipating yourself means you realize that you can't be defined.
There is no specific way to tell you this step, it is more like a stage where you will come naturally.
I can understand this because one day, a voice in my head suddenly told me, "Try to imagine that from now on, you don't have a name."
And at this moment, I seem to suddenly realize.
Yes, I don't have a name. Then who am I? Am I my body? Am I my mind? Am I my past experience? Do I feel inferior because I am poor? Am I arrogant because of my success?
It seems that I can see myself in the past at once, as if I were imprisoned in a narrow space by my own experience and various definitions. It's just that some social setbacks in my childhood have led me to avoid interpersonal relationships.
But in fact, all this is an illusion, the past is an illusion, experience is an illusion, and definition is an illusion.
"I" is also an illusion.
Are you clear?
You are not a man, a woman, a father, a programmer, a coser, a gourmet, a spicy chicken, an elite, a psychological counselor, a China native, a thinker, a homosexual and a Buddhist.
Listen, only by liberating yourself from "identity", "role" and "occupation" can you realize the infinite possibilities that exist in your life.
exceed