1, like to give children simple and direct commands or instructions.
For example, "What are you going to do?" "What are you going to do?" "You can't do this?" And so on are almost the mantra, and children have been immersed in this context for a long time.
The advantage of doing this is to save trouble, almost without thinking, and anyone can do it if they want. Controlling parents are used to this way, and the root cause is simple thinking mode. They don't store more advanced ways in their minds, and they don't accept or even reject other more advanced and effective ways. Its starting point and desire are extremely simple: treating children is like manipulating a machine. A simple command, whether called or not, he will do it, and the child will stop at once and do nothing.
Surprisingly, even if this simple and mindless way is almost unsuccessful, as a controlling parent, it will not change easily, but will continue to use it unswervingly and tirelessly. As the saying goes, a road goes to black, and when you reach the south wall, you don't look back.
Because the belief is firm and not easy to change, it is often a major feature of controlling parents.
Under the parents' strong desire for control, the result is either to domesticate the children into well-behaved and honest little sheep; Either it is to stimulate children's rebellious psychology, especially after puberty, which is more likely to lead to the deterioration of parent-child relationship.
I like to educate my children.
I feel that children are not sensible, they will make mistakes at any time, and they need his guidance at any time. Even when playing games or telling stories to interact with children, the subtext in speech is: what I say is what you listen to. This is actually "cultivating" children's passive instilling habits and obedient thinking patterns.
Or in some things, the children themselves don't care, but the parents put the nervous, caring and unacceptable mentality on the children, thinking that the children will also have these negative mentality, and then go one step further to educate the children: "It doesn't matter." In fact, many times, what needs to be improved is the adult's own mentality.
"Nothing, where did the dust come from?" Originally, adults had dust in their hearts, but they thought it was the dust on their children, and then they tried their best to "help" the children wipe the dust. Make yourself very tired, not to mention, make children feel uncomfortable and their autonomy has not been developed.
3, do not understand people's hearts, do not understand human nature, do not understand children's psychology.
In the process of communicating with children, children do not feel respect and trust, so children often feel uncomfortable and even depressed. When children's negative emotions accumulate to a certain node, adults still don't know the reason, and they don't realize that it is caused by a series of previous problems. Instead, they think it is a child's problem. Therefore, we sometimes hear some parents plausibly reprimand their children-"I am just angry, why are you unreasonable?" Why are you unreasonable? ..... "Like this, children's emotional problems are understood as unreasonable, and children aged 3 or 4 are serious and reasonable. The result is either a stronger reaction from the child or silence and depression.
The performance of the above parents, in the long run, the children's emotions can not be alleviated, and they can only passively obey the authority, accept control, and yield to power. On the surface, being smart and honest is actually developing in the direction of alienation, developing into flattering personality, dependent personality and even servile personality-because parents are the last line of defense for children to gain a sense of security. In order not to lose their sense of security, children have to compromise in order to gain their parents' recognition, acceptance and love, and regulate themselves (distort themselves) according to the mold set by their parents.
Grow like a bonsai.
Such children can make controlling parents get instant satisfaction, but they gradually lose their independent personality, let alone get real spiritual freedom. Because its vigorous vitality is suppressed and stifled bit by bit, it is naturally impossible to grow into a towering tree. Moreover, in the process of distorting yourself, it is inevitable to leave some personality defects, such as inferiority, cowardice, hypocrisy, sensitivity, paranoia, passivity and so on.
Or when children grow up and have a strong sense of autonomy, they will go to the other extreme-strong resistance and resistance to their parents.