When little Zach was still in my belly, Paul's brother's wife gave me a book called "When Two Bees Are Three: Nurturing Your Marriage after the Baby is Born".
When she delivered the book, she said in a meaningful and threatening tone, "After having a baby, things changed." She told me that I had to browse the book.
The main idea of this book is in the title: when two people become a trio, how to manage their marriage after giving birth?
I felt a little mysterious when I received the book. When pregnant, the whole person's attention is focused on preparing for the leisure after the birth of the mysterious baby. There is not enough time to read the introduction of baby products and educate children. What do you think of such a "light book" So when I opened my present and took out this book, I was actually pretending to smile and said in my heart, "I can only read ghosts." Without her strong recommendation and advice, this book would have accumulated thick dust. However, since she tried so hard to wake me up, I still turned to the books.
Later, I was very lucky and grateful to her, because after the baby was born, the prince and princess would never live a happy life easily again.
It is true that children bring a lot of laughter and happiness, but if they are not psychologically prepared, they may also bring considerable resentment.
A ten-year long-term follow-up study shows that 92% of couples have more conflicts and disputes after having children. In a fairly happy childless marriage, about 12.5% couples divorced before their children were one and a half years old. There are also many studies that show that the positive and intimate interaction between husband and wife is often greatly reduced after having children.
The conclusion is that novice parents spend all their time taking care of their babies and forget to care about marriage.
Especially those naive novice parents, who foolishly expect the husband and wife to live happily after the baby is born, are more likely to die miserably.
However, after understanding these potential crises, parents who raise their children and try their best to manage their marriage are likely to succeed in improving the quality of their marriage.
After Zach Jr. was born, I realized that what this book said was true.
The neonatal period is also the recovery period after the mother was run over by a truck. During this period, pregnancy and breast milk hormones scurry around the body, which makes the mother super sensitive, lack of sleep, exhausted physically and mentally, and the baby feels as fragile as glass, which makes novice parents very nervous and stressed. In addition, if you have a mother-in-law around, it is difficult to adapt to the day of adding a small mouth at home.
If the father doesn't learn to be a parent with the mother from the first day, and then the mother devotes herself to the baby, the father will inevitably feel left out and eventually become an outsider.
Even in a family with a good division of labor, husband and wife work hard to raise their children together, so the time they can spend on each other is naturally less and less. After a long time, it is inevitable that the other half will become like colleagues or roommates.
Moreover, after having children at home, housework suddenly became much more super. If there is no clear division of responsibilities, it is easy for both parties to ignore the efforts of the other half, and they always feel that they have done so much more than the other half, which in turn leads to resentment.
After the two drifted away, there were fewer and fewer opportunities for heart-to-heart communication. When intimacy is low, the sense of security is also reduced. When the sense of security is low, the sense of defense will rise, and it will become more and more difficult to confess your feelings to each other. Resentment together is like what you owe me. I'm sorry. In the end, everything can make the relationship between the two tense.
The problem of two days a day, one month and two months may be easily solved through communication. By the time the problem settled for a year, two years, ten years and twenty years, the iceberg was too big to melt away. After the child leaves the nest, there is no intimate interaction between husband and wife, and there is no common ground. If it's good, respect each other like a guest, if it's bad, respect each other like ice.
Family relations such as marriage, parent-child relationship, like a big machine, are closely connected by many organs. What is cause and what is effect is very complicated. Doing a good job of maintenance on weekdays and solving minor problems quickly can make a big difference. Poor maintenance on weekdays, regardless of minor faults. After a long time, it will be like snowballing. In the end, you can't find the root of the problem. The whole machine is disabled and rotten, but you don't know where to repair it.
Many corresponding methods are put forward in the book, including getting dad to seriously participate in activities such as eating, drinking and sleeping. From the first second of the child's birth, let the father and the baby establish a strong sense of intimacy to prevent them from becoming outsiders in the future.
Although this move made my father very tired at first (just like Paul got up in the middle of the night to change diapers on time for several months and then told me to get up to nurse, it was really tired), but my mother didn't shout tired when she burst out of her guts, and my father was tired. The point is, the average happiness of fathers who participated from the beginning is much higher than that of fathers who did not participate, so ... it's all for their fathers.
In addition, there is a detailed list of all housework, so that one person is responsible for half, so that both sides realize how important the other half is doing, so as to reduce resentment such as feeling unfair. I don't remember many other detailed methods clearly now, but I did try my best to follow the script at first, which really helped a lot. After all, it is easier to prevent and deal with the problem of marriage crisis after giving birth.
In the days after Zach, Paul and I still kept the pattern of getting along. Fortunately, Zach Jr didn't cry at first, and we still travel a lot. We don't want to change our lifestyle just because we have children at home. Moreover, little Zach slept from 7: 00 pm to dawn before he was five months old, so Paul and I can still enjoy the "young life" for four or five hours every day after the baby falls asleep until midnight. Sometimes I go out for a big meal with my baby's cradle in my arms at night, sometimes I drink beer and watch movies downstairs, and occasionally more friends gather at my house at eight o'clock in the evening. I have to thank Zach for being a sleepy boy on such a cool day.
Therefore, in the first year or two after becoming parents, the quality of getting along between husband and wife is actually quite good. Of course, after having children, inexplicable chores have increased dramatically. Every morning, I rush to send my children to work for lunch, milk them, go home from work in the afternoon to pick them up, and feed them dinner and mashed vegetables. As a novice mother, the pressure is really great, so at first I really broke down and broke out several times. But on the whole, we can sort out the difficulties, discuss the problems and improve the division of labor every time.
After all, as long as you are willing to play a team spirit, it is more than enough for two adults to have one child.
After the birth of the northern nose wheat, it was a completely different scene.
It's not enough for two people with two children. If one of them accidentally gets off work late (all Paul) or drags his feet in bed in the morning (all me), the whole family will make a fuss.
Even if both husband and wife are at home, although the time for a family of four to play games together is really harmonious, full of laughter and happiness, we all have to do daily chores such as eating, drinking and sleeping. The occasional eye contact between the two is also full of bitterness and resentment. The most common conversation is "Why don't you help little Zach XXX?" "How did you forget to help Babe Maiooo?" "Can you be early?"
Little Zach is getting older and going to bed later and later. In addition, Beibi Mai is not as easy to raise as little Zach, and often gets up in the middle of the night to make trouble. I have to get up early in the morning to nurse my mother, feed my two children breakfast, and prepare my own bath to make up lessons, which makes Paul and I tired every day. Finally, we decided to take the children to bed before nine o'clock, which was the wisest decision. So now we have greatly shortened the adult time when our children are asleep.
What's even more frightening is that Zach Jr. has been able to scrape together a few words to argue with us since he was two years old. By the age of three, he could speak a long list of words fluently, so he was very happy every day. Of course, once he seizes the opportunity, he will practice his skills by going up a flight of stairs. Listening carefully to the adult's speech, then repeating the whole sentence and adding a question mark at the end of the sentence is a new trick for him to invite himself to join the dialogue. Besides, Babe is learning to talk now, so Paul and I don't have a chance to chat with each other at all, because every time a topic opens, little Zach will jump in and talk together, Babe will start babbling, and finally it will become a whole episode of family education dialogue time like Johu's little theater, and it will still be a three-word joke.
It is really beautiful, good and happy to have family parent-child interaction, and I have nothing to complain about.
It just occurs to me sometimes that I don't know how long ago I could have a good talk with Paul.
I firmly believe that the happy marriage of parents is the most precious gift we can give our children.
The married life of parents is the most important channel for children to learn important courses such as love and being loved, respect and being respected, good family communication, gender relations, emotional management, conflict resolution and even negotiation skills. Without this channel, children will have a much harder time in the future. I know very well that when I was a child, my parents divorced, and many emotional and interpersonal knots were slowly pondered and understood after I experienced a lot of time and sadness.
Think about it carefully, many things that parents pay for their children, such as their education, talents, future achievements, and even health and brotherhood, are all conditions that children can change themselves with more efforts the day after tomorrow, and their children and grandchildren have their own children and grandchildren.
It's just that parents' marital happiness is a factor that children can't control. Only parents can help their children, and everything depends on us.
Paul can give me more help when I give birth to my first child. I feed him, he changes diapers, I cook food paste, and he bathes the children. The two of them made it through together.
After giving birth to the second child, Paul was busy with the rebellious period of two years old. When he first became a brother, his mood was unstable, and Zach, who pulled his pants all day, was distracted. I tried to feed Babe like a single mother, and the workload of two people in my family suddenly increased dramatically. I am too tired and neglected, and I have no leisure to imagine each other's feelings or express my gratitude to each other.
In the months after Babe Mai was born, we were both under too much pressure. After several conflicts, I suggested that we start dating. So we began to look after the children one night a week, and the two of us went out on a date by ourselves.
Watching movies, eating in restaurants, shopping and other activities that increase the time between the two people really help the couple communicate and relieve their pressure.
But after about a month or two, I found this model a bit too tired. Not only do I have to ask someone to look after the children, but I am also in a hurry to go home after the date at night. I am so tired that I either keep yawning or sleep until I snore in the cinema. So later, this fixed weekly appointment went away.
After a period of relaxation, every day gradually becomes a rush to the children. Once again, the conversation between the two people is limited to education, medical care, eating, drinking, sleeping, other trivial matters and Qiaohu small theater. If we can talk a little about our work, it will be an informative conversation.
There is no time to stop and understand each other's feelings, so most people feel that they can't get the understanding and affirmation of each other, so they are bored and easily leave without saying a word.
Last weekend, I finally couldn't bear it, and decided to have a little weekend holiday without children with Paul and have a good date.
It's a bit embarrassing to let my mother-in-law and sister-in-law look after the children for two days on the grounds of "dating".
Besides, little Zach and Babe Maier have never slept in other people's houses by themselves. Two children aged one and three, it's really embarrassing to throw them into trouble. I am also afraid that my children will not adapt to the schedules and living habits of other families, and I don't know how Zach will react.
But despair, I don't care. Aside from shame and guilt, I want to relive the hot girl days before I became a yellow-faced woman. Have you ever eaten spicy food? )
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***
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I always try to follow the principle of "no cheating" when raising children.
It's not that I'm conceited, but that I think honesty needs to be practiced and cultivated. It's basically disrespectful to cajole such things at will. If I am used to cajoling my children into doing anything to achieve my goal, how old can I cajole my children to be disrespectful? One day I will suddenly decide to put down the butcher knife and become a Buddha and never lie to children again? Will I suddenly develop a new and effective way of communication? How can I teach my child to be honest with me if he finds me cheating? If he notices my random cajoling, will it affect his values? Will children feel insecure because they can't believe me?
No matter what you think, I think honesty education is the easiest choice from the first day.
And if I can't honestly explain something to Zach in a way that children can understand, then the chances of it being unreasonable may be considerable.
After a long time, little Zach knew that I would tell him everything honestly. Even though I knew that he would be sad, I would tell him honestly that I would do what I promised, and he felt more secure.
So on the way to my sister-in-law's house, I told Zach clearly and frankly, "It takes time for us to get along, so that we can get along well." So I'm going out with Barbara. You and babe are staying at your aunt's tonight, and we'll pick you up tomorrow morning, okay? 』
I blushed as I spoke, and I was embarrassed. )
Little Zach: "?ㄤˊ? 』
Damn it, I have to repeat: "It takes time for us to get along with Ma Ma, so we must go out to play by ourselves, so that our feelings will be good, Ma Ma will love Ma Ma more, and Ma Ma will love Ma Ma more. I'm going out with Barbara. You are staying at your aunt's house tonight, and we will pick you up tomorrow. Would you please take good care of babe? 』
Results! !
Ladies and gentlemen! ! !
Little Zach said quietly ... "Yes. 』
Then, before we said goodbye, he said to me calmly, "Will you go out and pick us up tomorrow?" 』
Then say goodbye to me happily.
Really out of my expectation.
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***
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The little weekend with Paul was nothing special. I didn't even want to drive too far, so I only stayed in Pasadena for one night.
On Saturday afternoon, we went downtown for a walk and shopping. On the way, we passed the pub and casually went in for a beer. In the afternoon, we went to iPic, a first-class luxury cinema, to watch a movie at will, eat a fat meal and drink a little bad wine.
We haven't seen five movies in the four years after our first pregnancy, so it's great to get into the cinema. It doesn't matter which movie it is.
Walking aimlessly in the street, they suddenly remembered how slowly time passed without children and how boring many things they did in their spare time.
I wanted to go to a nightclub at night and find my youth like a girl. As a result, after I returned to the hotel, my old body and mind were defeated. I decided to watch TV all night and then sleep until I woke up naturally.
I had one build and one build with Paul all afternoon, and suddenly I had more time to talk, but I didn't know what to say. It's a little embarrassing, as if we were really dating just after we met. What the hell?
Later, after drinking wine and telling the truth, the floodgate opened, and Paul and I began to talk about each other's feelings and had a real heart-to-heart moment.
We asked each other, "Where have you been?" Haven't seen you for a long time. It turns out that we are so close, but we miss each other very much.
We thank each other for their efforts for our family, and then promise to be better lovers.
Woke up naturally the next day, no child cried in the middle of the night, and no need to force the child to pee in the morning. This is really cool.
After breakfast, I talked with Paul about business all morning. Paul and I are not romantic at all, but we are practical and love money. One is investment and the other is commercial real estate. Usually things at work are the topics we are most interested in after dinner, but recently we have been forced to talk about business.
When he spent more than an hour telling me the story of a whole land development case, I found that he had grown so much in his field of work and was doing great things, and his resentment against his frequent overtime had dissipated a lot.
Yes, I am the kind of husband who leaves me at home after working overtime at night. I will be very angry and will not appreciate her husband's hard work and inconsiderate wife. )
A small holiday without children, but less than 24 hours, super efficient to relive the time when two small worlds supported each other and depended on each other, and then recharge your batteries before going on the road.
Go back to my sister-in-law's house to pick up the children at noon. Zach saw me, and he said, "Did you play it back? I'm not crying. 』
Family life seems to be completely uninterrupted, and the children are still as crazy and lovely.
But I know that after taking off my parents' shirts, we are still lovers of each other.
* This article is published by authorization of Brucci, a former foreign bride and now an American aunt. Reprinting without permission is prohibited.
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"This article is the author's view on cooperative innovation, not his position."