At the same time, there is a fifth person in the book who asks for help, and that is the therapist himself. She is a single working mother. I was lovelorn in my forties and almost collapsed. A friend said to her, "Maybe you should talk to someone," so she found herself a therapist. When she switched to the visitor's position and sat on another therapist's sofa complaining about her inner fragility and sadness, she could feel why psychotherapy has the power to heal and change.
This book shows the process of psychotherapy from the dual perspectives of therapists and visitors, and makes us find that no matter how different the identity background is, the troubles faced by human beings are actually the same-love and being loved, regret, choice, control, uncertainty and death, which are all problems that we must face and study together as human beings. All the pains and difficulties we encounter in real life can be heard in this book and hope can be found. ?
The first time I saw this book was in the bookstore. In the preface, Dr. Li Songwei, a senior psychological counselor, said, "In the first few decades, there was indeed a hidden trend in the field of psychology, requiring psychological counselors to exercise restraint as much as possible, not to have selfish desires and waves, and to play the role of a so-called blank curtain. But the author admits that he can't do it. " I decided to buy this book. As a certified psychological counselor, I always think that I haven't reached the stage where I can endure and resolve all the pains of others quietly in my heart. I didn't expect this senior psychological counselor in Los Angeles to be so bold and straightforward. I'm curious about what she went through and how she helped visitors when she couldn't.
This screenwriter tells five good stories in the book. I wanted to see the story from the perspective of a psychological counselor. Unexpectedly, I unconsciously entered the story of the visitor and saw the unspeakable pain, struggle, confusion and growth, and even tears hidden on the surface of the visitor. At the moment, I don't want to generalize the outline of the story in a self-righteous way. More important than the story itself, the author reveals the human nature of * * * from the perspective of his own psychology major, so that we can know ourselves more clearly. In this chapter, I will extract the sentences that touched me in the book, and I will keep reading and keep updating.
? The words of the author of the preface
The question to be asked in this book is: "How can we change?"
The answer lies in "getting along with people"?
Jung, a famous Swiss psychologist, said: "People will try their best to avoid facing their souls in various absurd ways." But he also said: "Only those who face the soul will wake up."
first part
Nothing is more desirable than getting rid of pain, and nothing is more frightening than abandoning dependence.
James Baldwin
1, just like the National Geographic magazine channel filmed how the embryo of a rare crocodile developed and was born, I also want to capture the process of human beings struggling to evolve and then trying to break out of their shells-sometimes very quiet, sometimes very noisy; Sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's just a moment.
Professional training has taught us theories, tools and techniques, but behind these hard-won knowledge, what drives us is a simple truth, that is, we know that it is always difficult to be born as a human being. As a psychological counselor, the most important qualification is that I am also a "person" with flesh and blood.
We often don't realize that sometimes it is ourselves who are really difficult to get along with. Sometimes we are our own stumbling blocks. If we can keep ourselves away from the road ahead, miracles will happen.
The psychotherapist will erect a mirror for the visitor, but at the same time the visitor is also a doctor's mirror. Psychotherapy is not a one-way process, but a two-way process. We are mirrors, reflecting the opposite mirror and seeing each other that we have never found.
In fact, when people start their first psychotherapy, they don't care about the turning point in life, they just want to get rid of it. They want to tell you their own story from that urgent question.
6. I feel that I am looking down on all this from God's point of view. I witnessed an unconscious self going through five stages of sadness at an alarming rate: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
7. The reason why psychotherapy can trigger all kinds of strange reactions is that it is like an adult movie to some extent-both of them involve some degree of nudity, and they may also make people feel nervous and exciting. Both have millions of users, and most of them are secretly used.
8. Do one thing, then let it drive you to do another, and replace the vicious circle with a virtuous circle. Most of the great changes are accumulated by hundreds of trivial and even imperceptible small steps. There are many possibilities in one step.
9. When people come for psychotherapy, I should not only listen to their stories, but also tell them whether they know that a story can be told in many ways. Do they think that only their own narrative is the "only positive solution" of the story, or do they know that this is just one of many versions of the story? Do they realize that they will choose to keep or delete the content of the story, and their original intention of telling the story will also affect the listener's position?
10, there is an interesting paradox in the process of psychotherapy: in order to treat the visitors, the psychotherapist needs to see through the real situation of the visitors as much as possible, that is, to see their vulnerability and their deep-rooted behavior patterns and inner struggles. Visitors certainly want to ask for help, but they also want others to love and appreciate themselves. In other words, they will hide their weaknesses.
1 1. The doctor is trying to find out the problem, while the visitors are trying to maintain their appearance and behave more cheerful than the real situation to avoid losing face. Both sides are for the same purpose, but their actions are opposite.
12, tears blurred my eyes, just like sitting in the car and looking out of the window in a rainstorm, and the windshield wiper on the car was broken.
13. His expression is serious but gentle, like a combination of a clever elder and a plush toy. His message is that I will see you in this room, and you will try to hide, but I will still see you. By then, everything will be fine.
14, "I feel like I've been thrown into the blender and I can't get out. I'm just here to find an exit. "
15, a kind of "stupid" compassion means: even if you know that people need to re-examine the status quo and know that kindness at the moment will eventually bring more serious harm than honesty, you still won't make things clear just because you don't want to hurt others' feelings. People often treat their children and spouses like this, treat addicts and even treat themselves. On the contrary, it is the compassion of wisdom that will give a caring blow to others when they need it, even if they know that advice is the worst.
16, there is always a misunderstanding that psychotherapists should remain neutral, but how is it possible? We are human beings, not robots. In fact, we don't want to remain neutral, but we should try our best to pay attention to our very neutral feelings, prejudices and opinions (which we call "anti-empathy"), so that we can take a step back and figure out how to deal with it. We should use our feelings to help guide the treatment, not to suppress it.
17, neuroscientists found that human beings have a kind of brain cells called mirror neurons, which can make people imitate others: when people's emotions are in a high-pitched state, a soothing voice can calm their nervous system and keep it in this state.
18, people often mistake numbness for emptiness, but numbness is not the lack of feelings, but the reaction people make when they are swallowed up by too many feelings.
19. Psychotherapists knew from the beginning that every visitor they saw was just a snapshot, only a moment of someone was recorded. Whether it's good or bad, it's just that moment, and it doesn't mean everything to you. Therefore, psychotherapists will listen, advise, persuade, guide, and sometimes coax visitors to see more different snapshots, thus changing their internal and external experiences. We will help tourists classify these snapshots, and soon we will find that seemingly unrelated pictures all revolve around the same theme, which may not have entered the field of vision when they first decided to come to treatment.
Some photos are disturbing, and at first glance, you will think that everyone has a dark side. Some photos will be blurred, and we may not remember the events and conversations clearly, but we will definitely remember the experience brought by these contents accurately. Psychotherapists should look at those blurred photos and understand that a certain degree of blur may be exactly what visitors need. At the beginning of treatment, most of them present themselves to whitewash their pain and disturb their inner peace. But as time goes by, they will find that they are not fighting a defense war-the road to peace is reconciliation with themselves.
Because of this, when people come for psychotherapy for the first time, we will imagine what they will be like later. We did this not only on the first day we met them, but also in every subsequent treatment. Imagined images make us look forward to their future state and guide us how to treat them.
I've heard someone describe creativity as a special ability, which can grasp the essence of some completely unrelated things and then break them together to create something completely new. So is the job of a psychotherapist. We extract the essence of the snapshot originally provided by tourists, add the elements needed for the ideal snapshot, and crush the two together to create a brand-new image.
20. "There is a difference between pain and suffering. You will feel pain, everyone has pain sometimes, but you don't have to make yourself so miserable. Feeling pain is not because of your choice, but because you choose to make yourself miserable. " He went on to explain that all my persistent and endless rumination and speculation are increasing my pain and making myself more miserable. So he felt that since I was so obsessed with pain, I must have got something from it. Pain must mean something to me.
2 1, "I don't know is a good start." It sounds like a revelation of wisdom, he said. I spent so much time trying to clear my mind and seek answers, but it doesn't seem to matter if I don't know.
22. "Your feelings don't need to be subject to your prejudgment. Anyway, feelings will exist, so you might as well welcome them with open arms, because these feelings may contain important clues. Don't judge your feelings. Pay attention to them. Think of them as your maps. Don't be afraid of the truth. "
Psychotherapists often talk about how the past affects the present, and how our past affects our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. At some point in our lives, we will realize that we must give up our illusions about the beautiful past. If we can't accept the idea that history cannot repeat itself, for example, we want our parents, brothers or partners to straighten out what happened many years ago, then we will be trapped in the past. Changing the relationship with the past is an important part of psychotherapy, but we rarely talk about the relationship with the future, which will also affect the status quo.
Our view of the future, like our understanding of the past, will become a stumbling block to our change. When everything at this moment is fragmented, the future connected with it will also collapse. If we use the present time to modify the past and control the future, we will still be stuck in the same place with endless regrets.
24. The famous essay Welcome to Holland was written by Emily, the mother of a child with Down syndrome. Prose describes what kind of experience it will be when the expectation of life is subverted by reality.
25. Almost everyone who comes for psychotherapy will worry about whether his thoughts and feelings are "abnormal" or "very bad". However, it is our honesty with ourselves that helps us understand all the nuances and complexities in life. If you suppress these thoughts, you may really behave "badly". Face them squarely and you will grow.
From this perspective, Julie began to realize that everyone is in Holland, because most people's lives don't go according to plan completely. Even if you are lucky enough to go to Italy, you may encounter flight cancellation or bad weather.
27. According to my observation at work, a large number of people only stay awake for a short time, explore their souls, add a few more wishes to the list-and then don't want to put them into practice.
Facing death forces them to live more-not making a long list of goals for the future, but living in the present.
They don't care whether they end up in Italy, Holland or anywhere else. The important thing is that they decide to board the plane and see where they will land.
29. After I had a child, I really understood two things that are crucial to psychotherapy:
First, the purpose of asking other people's parents is not to complain, judge or blame their parents with them. Actually, the key is not their parents at all. This kind of inquiry is only to understand how childhood experiences affect their adulthood, so that they can separate their past and present lives and take off their psychological coats that are no longer in line with their age.
Second, no matter whether the final result is "excellent-"or "poor+",most parents have done their best to raise their children, and only a few parents really don't want their children to live a good life. Despite this, most people still have bad feelings about their parents' lack of doing (or their parents' attitude and temper). In this regard, people need to figure out how to deal with this concern.
I know that those who are harsh, critical and angry often feel extremely lonely. I know that such people want to be noticed and are afraid of being noticed. If he spends even a little time on his emotions, he will collapse, so he transfers his emotions to others in the form of anger, ridicule or criticism.
3 1, psychotherapy cannot be scripted. We need to set up a professional degree. If it is too open, it is like being in the sea. If it is too formal, it is like being in a fish tank. In this metaphor, the aquarium sounds just right.
32. British psychoanalyst Bion suggested that a psychotherapist should have "no memory and no expectation" when contacting visitors. In his view, the therapist's memory is more like a personal subjective deduction, which will be distorted over time, and what the therapist expects may run counter to what the visitor wants. Under the combined effect of memory and expectation, therapists will be biased towards treatment (that is, preconceived views). Bion hopes that clinical psychologists will concentrate on listening to the current situation of the client (not influenced by memory) and remain open to all possible outcomes (not influenced by expectations) when entering each treatment.
33. When I treat masochistic patients, I often have an idea: "You are not the best person to discuss yourself now." I will point out to them that there is a difference between blaming yourself and being responsible for yourself, and we can deduce the essence of this difference from a passage that Jack Confield said. He said: "The second characteristic of mental maturity is kindness. This kindness is based on the basic concept of self-acceptance. " In psychotherapy, we pay attention to self-care (that is, "am I a human individual") rather than self-affirmation (that is, judging whether I am a good person or a bad person).
Wendell's task is to help me edit my story. All psychotherapists do this: what materials have nothing to do with the plot? Is the supporting role important? Or is it just a kind of interference? Is the story moving forward, or has the protagonist been spinning around? Does the plot reveal the theme of the story?
35. The techniques used by psychotherapists are somewhat similar to brain surgery in which patients stay awake all the time. Therapists study the mind rather than the brain, and we can also judge whether some nerves have been touched by the subtle gestures or expressions of visitors. But unlike neurosurgeons, we go to sensitive areas and apply pressure carefully, even if it makes visitors feel uncomfortable. Only in this way can we find the deeper meaning of the story, and what is hidden at the core is often some form of sadness. Of course, there will always be many ups and downs before reaching the core.
36. People are eager to be understood and to understand others. But for most people, our biggest problem is that we don't know what's wrong with us. We always step into the same pit. Why do I keep doing that thing that will definitely make me unhappy?
Although Dr. Wendell and I didn't say a few words from beginning to end, it was still a conversation. He witnessed my sadness. He didn't interrupt me, helped me analyze the problem and tried to make me feel better. He allowed me to tell my story in the way I needed it most at the moment.
(To be continued)