Love is the most complex, advanced, sacred and beautiful emotional phenomenon in the world.
According to the principle of applying what I have learned, I try to talk about love from a psychological point of view.
First, the concept of love:
? Love is the strongest form of interpersonal attraction, and it is a romantic high-level emotion for the opposite sex of individuals who have matured to a certain extent.
Second, the characteristics of love:
? 1. Heterogeneity.
According to the law of nature that the same sex repels and the opposite sex attracts, the love mentioned here refers to the attraction between the opposite sex, and homosexuality is not one of them. Although there is no need to discriminate against homosexuality, in the sense of love, same-sex love is only a special case and does not have universality. It is even less instructive to the public. Therefore, the subject of love should be different men and women, and of course it does not include bisexual people who are not men and women. Because from the perspective of the Book of Changes, it does not conform to the law of yin and yang. Moreover, as far as the equivalence of attraction is concerned, it must also conform to the principle of grade matching. For example, the male of extreme yang matches the female of extreme yin, and the male of neutral matches the female, both of which are weak and can be integrated. Narrow love and idealized love will also conform to the principle of treatment in life, such as the best men gather the best women, ordinary women marry ordinary men, and inferior men either marry the worst women or stay single. Of course, idealized love is rare in life, but the most common thing is that a hero has no good wife and a flower is stuck in cow dung. These phenomena are not the normal state of love, but variant forms.
? 2. maturity.
From the concept of love, we can see that the subject of love is an individual who is physically and psychologically mature to a certain extent, which shows that not everyone will have love. Babies who are breastfeeding will stare at beautiful women wearing dewdrops and lean forward, but that is out of hunger, not love. Similarly, the emotional injury of adolescent boys and girls is not true love, because they have not yet reached a certain degree of maturity, and there are few true love among doll couples in contemporary society, because although they have reproductive functions, their psychology is still immature. When we first fell in love, we didn't understand love. This classic line tells us that most people's first love is just a sweet or green memory, and there will be no result. Because when the psychology is not mature enough, the so-called love is only a kind of love bud, a kind of youth agitation, and a low-level demand expression of sexual instinct. As for when love will happen, it varies from person to person. It is not surprising that people with precocious puberty can sprout in their teens, while those with late childbearing don't consider sex. What's more, they will never fall in love. After all, love is not a necessity. For more people, love is a luxury, the most beautiful moment and eternity in life.
? 3. advanced.
The advanced nature of love is relative. It cannot be understood that only high-level people will have love, which is relative to low-level emotions. Love is sacred and beautiful, and should not be profaned. Not every kind of affection between men and women can be called love. Must be the highest emotional activity. Men and women in primitive tribes and slums don't know that they won't send flowers to their loved ones on Valentine's Day, but that doesn't mean they don't have love experience. However, no matter how noble the form is, money and sex trading in a luxurious and elegant room is not true love. Advanced nature is also reflected in the realm. Not everyone can reach the level of knowing love. Since it is advanced, it is sublime and sacred, and it cannot be profaned at will. It is a heartfelt respect for your loved ones, and you can't treat it as a plaything that only meets your physical and psychological needs. We must try our best to make each other feel respected and satisfied.
? 4. physiology
This is consistent with the opposite sex. The so-called physiology refers to the strong mutual attraction between the opposite sex, which is manifested in the physiological intimacy requirements. Among them, sexual factors are indispensable, and true love will never refuse sex. Pure spiritual love and platonic love are both undesirable. Of course, sex is not the whole of love, but it is an important part. Love without sex is hypocritical, and love with sex is vulgar. With the progress of society and the liberation of thoughts, the form of love is becoming more and more open, and love also needs some forms to express. The sex of two people who love each other is sacred, and it is the natural blooming of passion. Everything is natural and logical. And when love has no sexual passion, love will wither, and it is not far from the time of death.
? 5. altruism.
The basic tendency of love is dedication. To measure whether a person has love for the opposite sex and how strong it is, we can use the index of "whether to help the loved one do what he expects from the heart". This is the altruism of love. The so-called happiness is your happiness, and pain is based on the psychological needs of the other person. Love him is to make him feel happy and satisfied and help him realize his own value. People who are extremely selfish and greedy will not get love, because they do everything from their own starting point and scale. Love what meets your requirements, not what doesn't. Such feelings are not true love.
Third, the difference between love and liking.
Many people think that love and liking are inseparable, and regard love as a special form of liking. Some people think that like is the premise of love, love is the highest state of like, like is faint like, love is deep like. But Rubin, a social psychologist, found through systematic research that love and liking are two different emotions. I like him in my life, but I don't love him.
There are three differences between love and liking:
1. Attachment.
When the two parties in love feel lonely, they will seek each other's companionship and comfort with high specificity, while the object they like will not have the same effect. That is, two people close at hand will say to each other: I miss you. When you are far away, you also want the other person to appear at your side immediately. I always think about what the other person is doing, endless phone calls, endless text messages, endless words, and I always feel that time passes too fast when I am together. But just the person you like, just a little excited when you are together, and this feeling disappears when you are not together.
2. Intimate relationship.
Both parties in love not only have a high degree of emotional dependence on each other, but also need physical contact. When they are not together, they are eager to be together. When two people are together, they will naturally look at each other, hold hands, hug and kiss. At first, the man will take the initiative, but after that, the woman's request for physical contact will last longer, and the woman needs the hug and kiss of her beloved more, which is what she has been waiting and expecting for thousands of years. If you love her, give her a generous hug. That is her happiest moment.
3. altruism.
People in love are highly concerned about each other's emotional state and feel that it is their unshirkable responsibility to make each other happy. When the other party has shortcomings, it will also show a high degree of tolerance. Even the most selfish person will show some understanding, tolerance and selflessness in love. This is what people often say: a woman in love is mentally retarded and a man in love is blind. Once married, each other's shortcomings and shortcomings are particularly exposed. If both sides have a solid emotional foundation, they can accept each other's shortcomings and deficiencies. Love me, love my dog, love a person, you must love her shortcomings, not just her lovely side.
Fourth, the development stage of love.
Social exchange theory regards pursuers as rationalists, and people always choose people who can bring more benefits and happiness to themselves as partners. All the factors that lead to love can be attributed to interests and values. Interest and value are not only material and economic factors, but also social and psychological factors.
1. Sampling and evaluation.
When men and women choose the object they want to associate with in a certain group, the main factors to consider are the income and cost of association and the offset surplus. If the income and surplus exceed their expectations, it will become their pursuit goal for the Lord.
2. Reciprocity.
In these stages, the two sides exchange income as much as possible, which not only provides income to the other side, but also benefits the other side, while trying to reduce costs. For example, chatting together, giving gifts to each other, and discussing topics of interest with each other, but avoiding entering each other's private fields. In the communication, the two sides are mutually beneficial and enhance the intimacy between the two people.
3. Commitment.
Both sides think that the benefits they get are greater than the benefits they get from other members of the opposite sex, so they stop interacting with other members of the opposite sex, and the relationship is relatively fixed, and they start frequent one-on-one communication.
4. Institutionalization.
As they become more and more intimate, both sides feel inseparable from each other and are worried that the other side will leave themselves. They hope to institutionalize their relationship through contracts, such as engagement and marriage procedures. The contract made their relationship mutually exclusive and loyal.
The expression of the above technical terms really makes people feel stiff. Let's use the first poem in China's earliest collection of poems and songs to illustrate this problem.
Guan Ju
Guan Heming's osprey, accompanied by the small continent of the river. A beautiful and virtuous woman is a good spouse of a gentleman.
Mix shepherd's purse and salvage it from left to right. A beautiful and virtuous woman wakes up to pursue her.
If you can't pursue it, the black nightclub misses her during the day. Miss Long, I can't sleep over and over again.
Mix shepherd's purse and choose from left to right. A beautiful and virtuous woman came to her with a couple and a couple.
Pull shepherd's purse from left to right. A beautiful and virtuous woman rings the bell to please her.
Fifth, the triangle theory of love.
Steinberg believes that love is a triangle composed of intimacy, passion and commitment. There are seven kinds of love, three factors and three sides in the triangle. They are:
? 1. Like love (only intimacy)
? 2. Romantic love (intimacy+passion)
? 3 infatuated with love (only passion)
? 4. Stupid love (passion+commitment)
? 5. Empty love (only promise)
? 6. Companion love (intimacy+commitment)
? 7. Perfect love (intimacy+passion+commitment)
Sixth, the variation form of love.
1. Romantic style
Become friends
3. Game style
Step 4 own
Practical style
unselfish