Overview I am Zhang Xiaoli, female, 47 years old, born in a village in the city, with a college degree, and now I work somewhere in the Urban Management Bureau. There are seven brothers and sisters in the family, six women and one man. My brother ranks fourth, and I rank seventh. I have been married twice, and the second marriage (also the present marriage) divorced and got back together. I had a daughter with my first husband and now I live with myself.
According to her mother, she gave birth to three daughters before she got 1 son. Both she and her father wanted another son, but they gave birth to three girls in succession. My mother conceived another child after me. My grown-up sister felt that her siblings were too hard and cried for her mother to have an abortion. The induced baby is a boy. In my memory, my mother often patted me on the forehead and said, "I was born a prostitute and was too scared to move." Or your dad said, if you are born, don't stare at me before I dare to wrap it up. With such breasts, who knows that all the blessings will be enjoyed by you? "According to my mother, when I was a child, my skin was dark and my expression was dull. Later, it was discovered by the resident military doctor and identified as pernicious anemia. I played B 12 for several months before I spoke. I clearly remember that when my mother had no milk when I was a child, I still snuggled up to her and breastfed. I remember when I was a child, I couldn't untie my pants when I went to the toilet. Because I wet my pants, my mother often twisted me, and my slowness was corrected after school.
My father is an unattainable figure in my impression. He is so dignified that he doesn't say hello to dinner, and the children dare not sit at the table; He is also the source of happiness at home. He gets the children together in his spare time. He does magic and tells us stories. Father is partial to the youngest child: I am the only one sitting on my father's neck in the theater. When I am angry, he will hit other children instead of me, so let me choose snacks first. Recalling childhood in video dialogue, I often see a doll sitting on the bed, watching other children play games but unable to participate, just like being isolated by my sisters. When I was a child, I didn't like activities and seldom played with other children. I often draw and cut paper by myself, or tie a towel to my hand and imitate the sleeves on the stage of drama to sing. In the fourth grade of primary school, my thinking took a turning point. For example, when I was looking at a math application problem, it seemed that a picture appeared in front of me, and the formula followed, which greatly improved my grades. However, my movements are still clumsy. Children's Day performance was screened out as "holiday" by teachers, which actually deprived them of the right to participate in the performance (at that time, the school required all participants). It was also that year that my father died of illness. Father said a week ago that he was not feeling well and went to a big city for examination. A week later, he came back to deal with the aftermath. My married sister and working brother are busy dealing with the aftermath, but I don't feel much, let alone know what this means to my future life.
Later, because of good academic performance, no one else in the village came out to work so early. At that time, my brother was working outside, my sisters were married, and I lived with my mother. 1986, my mother had a nervous breakdown because of street reconstruction. Later, my brother who went into business took out his savings and changed the bungalow of the old house into a building, and my mother's condition improved.
1993 graduation work. In the second year, my brother, who had been in a big city, returned to his hometown to start a business, and joined hands with his fourth brother-in-law who had good connections in the local area to open an entertainment center. On the opening day, the county government also attended the ribbon-cutting ceremony and presented the "Young Entrepreneur" frame to his brother. After my father died, my mother's face shone with rare brilliance. I am proud of having such a brother. A year later, the business was booming, and the fourth brother-in-law withdrew his shares and set up another factory, and the business was booming; My brother's entertainment center is shrinking and heavily in debt. Finally, my brother and sister-in-law divorced. Later, my brother transferred to the factory of the fourth brother-in-law, responsible for workshop production, and the fourth brother-in-law was responsible for personnel training and market development. I mention this because their career is closely related to my later life.
The turning point was that a year after my brother opened the entertainment center, I married my first husband Y and gave birth to a daughter a year later. Y started working in the south and returned to China after knowing me. At first, she worked as a helper in my brother's entertainment center, and later she was hired as a factory technician by her fourth brother-in-law (Y used to be an electrician and mechanic in the south). Shortly after my brother arrived at my fourth brother-in-law's factory, he contracted the production of products. My husband used to be the workshop director, but now he is a deputy and works under my brother. My fourth brother-in-law is the boss. Soon, I set up a branch factory, made several joint ventures, and split it with my fourth brother-in-law. As a senior technician, my husband y was dragged around several times.
Meanwhile, the factory fund-raising room where my husband and I lived when we got married leaked for a long time. The boss's fourth sister suggested that I build the foundation of the house. First, I live close to my mother's house, so that I can have a care in my life. Second, it is more conducive to her husband's peace of mind. As villagers in the village, both men and women in our village had homesteads in the early years. My homestead is adjacent to Third Sister's house, in front of her (Third Sister's house has been built). When I gathered my strength to build a house, I was blocked by people around me. Later, I learned that the organizer behind the scenes was Third Sister. She peeked at the geographical location of my house, and whether it faces the street or not has a great influence on the value of her house. She doesn't want me to build the house in front of her and make her house worthless. I asked my brother and mother for help. They swayed and pushed. Later, I learned that they also had plans. My brother's children are all grown up, and my mother wants to help my brother who has experienced setbacks and started a business. In the future, the homestead will be developed to fight for his son's wedding room. The second sister, who has always been honest, exposed the inside story to me, and then lobbied for her mother: a woman should always put the overall situation of her parents first, in order to have a support for herself, not to be bullied by her in-laws, to keep her dirty linen in public, and to be a widowed old mother, she would rather give up her homestead than break up the relationship between her parents! I used to expect them to help me build a house, but now I can't help myself except nodding my head. I came home full of disappointment and injustice, but I haven't explained the reason yet. My husband even cried and scolded. He said that in order to be loyal to my mother's family, I lied to him with my family, even the homestead boasted by her family was fake. He asked me for the savings he had planned to build a house and wanted to run away from home and wander around the world. Heaven and earth conscience, my husband and I sleep in a bed. How to harm yourself when you get married? ! During the day, my husband faithfully shuttled between the two factories of my brother and my fourth brother-in-law (my brother and my sister not only didn't get double benefits, but were suspected and attacked. Whenever there was a business conflict between them, my husband became a suspect). At night, he drank too much and came back to cry about his grievances and their meanness. This homestead incident became an excuse for him to vent his frustration and frustration for many years on me. I also explained and advised my husband to leave the factory. But my explanation led to my husband's double alcoholism and domestic violence; What I got was my husband's crying and her mother's eyes. My husband cried and asked me to find him a job, but my mother said I was overreaching and picky.
In the face of my husband's domestic violence, I dare not fight back. First, I'm afraid I have no fighting experience since I was a child. Second, I feel guilty. My husband used to work well outside, but I was involved in this environment because I married him. I feel very guilty and feel that I have the responsibility to make amends to my husband for my family. This knowledge makes me afraid to resist my husband. His resentment can be vented on me. I have grievances, but I don't know where to release them! I blame all this on my father's early death. In pain, I fantasized that I was crying in front of my father's grave, tears seeped into the ground, my father reappeared, erased everything with strong power and restored normal family order. After waking up, I redoubled my efforts to look outside. In 2006, I bought a computer, studied graphic design, video editing and insurance ... I hope to save my family and make it strong with my own strength. My efforts failed in the end, and my husband's resentment became more and more serious. There has been another big conflict. When I was lying in the hospital due to trauma, I needed time for surgery. My husband left me in the hospital because of years of noisy and exhausted savings. Although I came back under various pressures, I was disheartened. Under the anesthesia of the operating table, I followed my father in mid-air like a little girl selling matches in Andersen's fairy tales. Seeing my husband's escape and cowardice in mid-air, I suddenly felt that my husband was so cowardly, and I was abused by such a husband. If I drift away, wouldn't I be more cowardly than him? A voice sounded, "unwilling"? "Not reconciled"? "Unwilling", I can't help looking at the world. A familiar voice called in the distance. My body is getting heavier and heavier, and my voice is getting clearer and clearer ... When I wake up, the operation is over, and my daughter is lying on the bed and calling me! From June, 5438 to October, 2008 10, I filed a divorce lawsuit after the operation of taking out the broken steel plate. In exchange, I finally got my freedom and stayed away from the wrong place with my daughter. For the next three years, I hardly contacted my mother's family until I remarried.
Compound 20 1 1 year 65438+February, I married my second husband, D, and had a daughter and a son, both of whom were working outside. We held a ceremony before telling them. 2065438+June 2005 is another low point in my life, and my second marriage is facing a crisis. Four years later, my husband, D, came from the countryside to the county to do business after marriage, and finally bought a house. Despite my objection, he wrote his son's name on the real estate license. I reluctantly agreed, expecting him to be doubly good to me from now on. Unexpectedly, a few days later, he left because of a small matter, stayed in his son's room and asked me for a divorce. I was a migrant worker, graduated from junior high school, brought a boy, and there was no room in the county. Although others laughed at me, I married him. After more than three years of marriage, my attachment to him and his love for me are vivid. We all say that being together is the happiest thing in my life. How come his son just came back a few months ago and things have come to this? The huge gap makes me unable to believe the reality in front of me. I stayed up all night, searched the Internet in anxiety, entered psychology, and started the road of self-exploration in pain.
From the beginning of textual research, the process of learning distracted my attention and alleviated my pain. After I calmed down, I analyzed the current situation: although we didn't have a broken relationship, I saw his concern:
First of all, I have too many "children" selves. I can meet my husband's requirements for his wife and lover, but I can't meet his requirements for his son "mother (stepfather)". As a father, he broke up to protect his son's rights and interests, and he was really worried that I would fight with his son to settle old scores in the future. Second, he used to be a farmer and felt inferior. Now he has developed his career and wants to save face and gain new "recognition". His mental state was full of defense. No matter how I explain it, I can't dispel his concerns. It will aggravate his doubts and alienate our relationship. In view of this, I decided to agree to his request-divorce, one is to calm down property disputes, the other is to clear old grievances, regain a new identity and make a new choice.
Later, while studying psychology, I interacted with him. When he saw my change, his guard gradually decreased and our relationship gradually eased. A year later, in the name of investment, I urged D to buy an apartment and separate from his children. Soon after, we remarried. After busy decorating my new house, my working environment has also been improved.
When the dust settles, life seems calm, but my heart can't calm down. With the growth of my mother's age and the change of working environment, I travel to and from the old city more and more. I have to face more and more former people, and a pair of surprised eyes remind me of my previous failures and pains. You can catch up with the past during the day and deal with it calmly. At night, I will wake up from a dream of aversion to fear and feel so hypocritical and strange during the day. I remember the oath when I took my daughter out of the house cleanly: as long as I can sleep peacefully at night and not be disturbed, it is enough. Now that my work is relaxed, my life is stable and my husband is around, I am trapped in endless emptiness and painful aftertaste.
20 17, 10 In June, Mr. Lian Huan went to our county studio to do a public welfare workshop, leading everyone to see the images of animals on the grassland. I saw animals on the grassland chasing each other and killing each other. Although I didn't know the meaning, I was deeply moved and became interested in image dialogue. Two months later, I immediately signed up for the juvenile class.
20 17 12 14 participated in the elementary class of video dialogue led by Zhou Shuo Fang in Zhengzhou. When I was watching images in the basement, I was surprised to see images of rats, maternity beds, zombies and so on. I was shocked by the strong fear and shame. During the Spring Festival, I have been reflecting on the four-day experience of the beginner's class, and many past events keep pouring out. I decided to study the video dialogue deeply and dig out the secrets buried in my "basement".
After the Spring Festival, I reported to Mr. Lian Huan's ground growth group and conducted personal consultation once a week.
In consultation, starting from the complex of loving my father, I gradually saw my core complex-dependence. In his early years, he was wrongly favored by his parents and overprotected by his sisters, and developed the habit of dependence. After his father died, under the influence of his brother, sister and mother, the environment in family of origin changed. As an "adult", I was involved in the objective reality of family interest competition. However, my mind is blinded by the dependence complex, so I can't have a clear judgment on the status quo and my role. I was a competitor and a victim at that time. What I should do is not to be sad or cry, but to defend myself. But this is another story.
At that time, I was at a disadvantage because of the sudden reversal of my family environment (although they had planned it long ago, I didn't expect it), personal personality defects and social experience. I used to rely not only on the sudden change of my family from protector to aggressor, but also on my husband's accusation and evasion. I don't know where to tell my grievances and get comfort, so I call for the reappearance and protection of my "authoritative" father with "father complex" in my fantasy. Dependence complex changed its form, from reality to virtuality. The virtual call did not bring fairness and justice, the sympathy of the world and the concession of family members, and a series of crises followed.
Phenomenologically, these crises are as follows: the homestead incident exposed the fragility of the family, which led to the deterioration of the relationship between husband and wife until divorce; The way of divorce leads to financial distress, which leads to the "competition" of second marriage property, and the property competition leads to the second divorce of father calf protection (son protection), all of which are the secondary reactions of homestead events caused by dependence complex.
Psychologically, the dependence complex is formed by parents' doting in the early years, including my ranking at the bottom and my parents' projection on my induced labor brother. In addition, childhood was overprotected by family members because of developmental retardation, and adolescence was alone with widowed mothers, and the dependence complex was constantly strengthened. Behavior is lazy, retreat and shirk responsibility.
In the process of taking my daughter to live independently and "explore the world", my identity as a "parent" and "adult" was stimulated by my daughter's existence. It's no use relying on it. In order to survive, I agree with my sisters and brothers in the opposite direction. I am flexible and calm in dealing with people and obtain survival resources in various forms. Three years later, I paid a down payment for a small apartment, then remarried and settled down. This is another form of dependence-anti-dependence, which is "compensation" in behavior mode rather than real independence and maturity. Therefore, after the compensation is successful and the living environment is improved, I feel tired and sad instead of relaxed and happy.
In my second marriage, my dependent personality supplemented the script of a male chauvinist and protective husband. My dependence has increased again. I went back to my childhood, courting my husband and enjoying his fatherly tolerance and doting. Dependence complex blinded my eyes again, making me addicted to it and unable to distinguish my role until my son's return broke all illusions. When my son and I fought for "fatherly love", especially when I later fought for real estate, no matter whether I was spoiled or threatened, my husband stood by his son without hesitation. I fell from the peak of being loved to the bottom of being abandoned.
After studying psychology, my "adult" has developed After calmly analyzing the situation, I used "divorce" and "separation" to avoid contradictions, let my husband off guard, get a chance to be with us again, and finally get back together. This process relies on psychology, which relieves pain and calms me down. Although it is also dependence-using the dependence and dependence complex between myself and my husband, after all, I tried my best to step into psychology, and this complex is in my perception, from passive to active, so it is much better to actively turn to psychology than to rely on others passively before.
As for my inner conflict, I am reminded of a passage by Zhu Jianjun: There are two extreme ways to internalize personality. Through love, we voluntarily internalize the personality of others, which is like "love". Another person can force another weak person to accept his own thoughts through pressure, which is like "rape". After the latter is internalized, the relationship between the internalized sub-personality and other sub-personalities is prone to contradictions, just like the contradiction between invaders and aborigines. My original character is cowardice, dependence and stubbornness. After the follow-up events such as the Home Incident, my brothers and sisters' personalities penetrated into my body. There are many strong, independent and flexible elements in my personality, but these personalities were not formed in the psychological process of love and nature, but the reverse identity under pressure came from those family members who abandoned and cheated me at the beginning. Although they are good for my survival, I still accept them, as if I affirmed the invaders and denied the harm caused by the past. My weak and dependent sub-personality is crying and shouting, reminding me of their existence in an inner conflict way, just like I call my father in an image.
In addition, due to the taboo of "dirty laundry", there are a lot of emotions in the homestead incident and subsequent events, which leads to many "unfinished" events and produces psychological energy consolidation. In many one-on-one consultations with Lian Huan, with the release of sadness, my heart gradually softened and my relationship with my family eased.
On July 27th, 2007, 2065 438+ Zhu Jianjun Basic Class, I bought some books from my teacher and set up a reading group to motivate myself to read every day. On the basis of the release of negative emotions, gradually increase your own experience of positive emotions, such as Teacher Zhu's Nourish and Settle Our Hearts, to supplement your injured mind with nutrition.
2065438+On September 8th, 2007, I participated in the ground growth group in Wang Quanli, Zhengzhou. Once, Mr. Wang helped me with the conversation between a snake (me) and a snake catcher (family) in the image. When the snake catcher said to the snake, "You are an ugly superfluous thing, you should be caught and made into a table dish." Mr. Wang guided me (snake) to talk to the snake catcher and said, "It's just what you said. I'm also a life, not a dish." When I touched my father's complex again at the salon, the teacher helped me talk to my father. In the image, my grievances and disappointments were seen by my father, picked up by my father and floated in the air. The next day, I remembered the image of myself and my father yesterday, similar to the illusion that the little girl was picked up by her grandmother and flew to heaven before she died in The Little Match Girl, which meant escaping from reality and saying goodbye to life. I suddenly realized that my father-loving complex is an excuse for the weak to escape from reality, a child's retreat in the face of setbacks, a loser's yearning for the ending of the script, and a devil's face when he is about to succeed. Fantasy is beautiful, but it is an immature and harmful way to deal with it!
Maybe it was the day before? My emotions are seen and embraced by my "father", and my "children" are satisfied in image. The next day, my "adult" suddenly appeared, and I felt this. After I woke up from my father's illusion, I looked at my relationship with my husband and son, and my mind was clear. I never felt like fighting for my father's love before.
Summarizing growth and reflection is painful, just like writing a history of growth now, recalling the past that once made you feel like a knife, and reappearing scene after scene: my brother preached his values at the entertainment center meeting, and a person's value depends on how much commission she received; Being at the top of the insurance pyramid (supervisor), the elder sister said when she met the competition from the third sister: Sisters were enemies in their previous lives, and they got together for revenge and debt collection in this life; When I faced divorce proceedings and asked my brother for help, he cursed in disgust: You are like a ghost, harming people everywhere, your own family and your mother's family. Undead, the world is quiet; My mother learned the news of my divorce and hit me with a stool, saying that life is the ghost of my husband's family. Now that I am divorced, I will die outside, and I am not allowed to bring bad luck to my family. I remembered that I was left in the hospital and owed money three days after the operation. The hospital didn't treat me, and I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital ... The disgust and curse of my former relatives came in waves, and their curse took effect, which made me dislike myself and hate myself on a calm night.
I met a video dialogue, and I want to find the root of this curse and lift them. My husband and daughter say that I am doing well now, but why bother with the past? ! Think of what teacher Zhu Jianjun said in the book: "Fate is fair, which brings misfortune and great wealth-a drill used to dig underground." . If you bear the blow of fate, all you get is pain. " ? " As long as you stand up to disasters and misfortunes and say to yourself that I still have potential strength, then that strength will appear. " ?
Learning image dialogue for nearly a year, I have applied the growth in image dialogue to real life. I feel like Scarlett in Teacher Zhu's article, growing up from a very dependent child. With the release of the complex, my heart is getting stronger and stronger.
I look forward to the courses of intermediate classes, to seeing myself more comprehensive, more real and more powerful, and to having a more real and independent life.
Attachment: After writing the growth report of the intermediate class, I feel as if I have crossed a river. Looking back at the "father-loving complex" on the other side of the river, I feel divorced from my "father" and relaxed and free. I continue to walk into the distance, bid farewell to the state of "girl" and explore the scenery of "woman".