1. My family background has a great influence on my beliefs and values.
2. Get rid of your parents psychologically and become your own master.
I have been doing things I don't like for most of my life.
I hope I can live a full and meaningful life.
Comparatively speaking, I prefer independence to relying on others.
The experiences of childhood and adolescence have laid a certain foundation for us to meet the challenges in various stages of adulthood, but we still have to face many choices in adulthood. In the process of becoming independent, you need to sum up your early decisions and realize that if these decisions are no longer suitable for the present situation, you can change them, which also urges you to question some information you received in your childhood. You can use this to start a dialogue with your failed ideas and opinions, so as to get more positive and constructive ideas.
Your family and cultural background will have a great influence on the way you cope with development, so it is very important to understand the influence of culture and family background on you now. In the process of adulthood, some of the choices you make are to meet the expectations of others, and some are to find your own way of life. You may find that you adapt yourself to others from the beginning, or you often choose a safer way instead of trying a risky new way. You may be satisfied with many new decisions you have made, or you may wish you had made different decisions at that time. As an adult, when you reflect on the choices you made at those critical turning points, you can relate them to your childhood experiences. When you have a clear view of your life choices, if you find that some of them are no longer suitable for you, you can revise them again. When you realize how your early experiences have affected you, you can improve these decisions and change your life.
Although we may live alone without our parents and the family we came from, we are not really independent psychologically, and those who played an important role in our early life still affect our lives more or less. To this end, you must be clearly aware of the factors that affect you now, and know whether these factors improve your quality of life or limit your development as a mature adult. There may be many people who influenced you in childhood and adolescence, but in this chapter, we will focus on the continuous influence of your parents (or other guardians).
Autonomy (psychological maturity): It means that you have to bear the consequences of your choice, and you can't let others be responsible for your choice. Determining a person's independent identity is not achieved overnight. The road to maturity begins in early childhood and runs through one's life.
In the process of psychological development, it is very important to establish relationships between people. The book "Repairing Relationships: How Women Cultivate Relationships in Therapy and Life" well explains how breaking up establishes contact with others and how it will affect our lives. The author thinks that connection means that two or more people care about and trust each other; Fracture means a relationship that runs counter to mutual concern and trust. In my opinion, the root of psychological problems is psychological fracture or children and adults can't participate in the normal interaction of mutual care and trust. Therefore, the personal goal is to learn to establish meaningful connections with others. Healthy and optimistic psychology needs a relationship based on mutual care, and the relationship of mutual trust is reflected in mutual affection and satisfaction. On the other hand, if one party gains self-interest at the expense of the other, then this relationship is doomed to break down.
In childhood and adolescence, parents will have a certain influence on your behavior and decision. When you start to be independent and build relationships with others, it is very wise to re-examine your previous decisions and see if they are still suitable for your current situation. You may have inherited most of your parents' values, but you still need a certain degree of self-guidance and self-determination in the process of studying hard and maturing.
The ego theory in relationships emphasizes the interdependence between individuals and others, rather than the independence of individuals. Therefore, self-development is achieved in various interpersonal relationships, rather than staying away from others and doing it on your own. We emphasize that the interaction between the two sides is extremely important in interpersonal relationships, that is, individuals should be understood like others; Trust others and trust others.
Being able to communicate with people is of great significance, but first of all, you should have a clear understanding of yourself and form a mature concept. The connotation of autonomy goes far beyond independence. Our understanding of the concept of autonomy includes two parts: the self in the relationship and the self in the background.
Obviously, autonomy is by no means "just doing your own thing", regardless of the impact on others. On the contrary, a mature person should have his own clear values and live by them, which includes paying attention to the interests of others. Here, please think about the following questions.
In what ways do you think you can have your own life and take care of the expectations and needs of others?
What aspects of your life do you want to act independently? How will autonomy affect your mood and self-awareness?
In what ways do you wish you were more like yourself? Even if it means taking some risks.
1, communication analysis
It provides us with an effective method to help us understand the learning process from children to adults. This is a personality theory and a consulting method. Originally by Eric? Bowen suggested. This theory is based on the assumption that adults make decisions based on past experience, which may have been applicable before, but now it is meaningless. He stressed that people should first enhance their self-awareness and make clear their goal of trying to change the trajectory of life, so that they can have the strength to change their early decisions. Through communication and analysis, individuals can understand how the rules and standards they accepted and internalized in childhood affect their current behavior; At the same time, I can also realize the influence of my life script and family script on my behavior. Every individual should realize that he can completely change those decisions that are no longer meaningful, while retaining those that are still applicable.
2. Life script
This concept is an important content in communication analysis, which consists of two parts: parents' teaching and the decisions we made in childhood. Usually, we will live according to this script when we are adults.
Step 3: Script
Non-verbal and subtle expressions of parents from infancy. In fact, we have been learning and understanding people's value and our position in life in a vague and concise way for a long time, and then the script becomes delicate and direct. At this time, we may "receive" some negative information and listen to adults. Don't be like a child; We know you have done a good job, but we hope you will do your best, so don't let us down; Never trust others, rely on yourself; You are so stupid, you must have accomplished nothing.
Our life scripts contain content from family and cultural background, which is the core of establishing our identity. Our experience sometimes leads us to the conclusion that "I can only get love if I succeed", "I'd better not trust my feelings because my parents are right" and so on. These thoughts may always accompany our lives and affect our behavior, which is hard to forget. These early views on ourselves often exert a subtle and repeated influence on our lives, and our understanding of ourselves may even affect our life span and quality of life.
Our experience and environment may push us to turn these scripts into real life. Fundamentally speaking, our experience and environment have both advantages and disadvantages for our scripts. Although the script of your life has a lot to do with your family and cultural background, you can still make choices beyond your environment and experience.
Let's better understand the influence of early information and decision-making on our daily life through an example of a person. Although I (Gerald, one of the authors of this book) am very successful now, I have felt that I am a failure or even worthless for many years. I can't completely erase the old script from my life. Now I sometimes have self-doubt and lack of security. I think those feelings are so ingrained that I can't simply say to myself, "It's okay, I have succeeded now, and I have become the person I want to be." I'm still looking for the meaning of my life, the relationship between my current behavior and my goal. To some extent, I only try to succeed in order to cope with the feeling that I feel worthless.
I firmly believe that part of my motivation to pursue success is to get the approval of my parents, especially my father. My father failed in many ways, so I think I tried to prove my worth in part to make up for his success. Although my father has been dead for many years, I find that I am still trying to win his approval and make him proud of my psychological achievements. Besides, I think it is my duty to be more capable than him in life. Although my external situation has changed a lot since I was a child, I find that I have always been influenced by my father's potential at work. This does not mean that I have to finish my current job, but it is important to realize where my motivation comes from.
Although I agree that I can change some of my ideas, I can't eliminate all traces of the influence of my early study and decision. In short, we don't need to be influenced by early decisions, but we must realize that things formed in the past have a great influence on our attempts to develop new cognition and reshape ourselves.
4. Prohibition: Early information is internalized into our lives.
Make no mistake: children who receive this message will be afraid of taking risks and will be afraid of their hands and feet.
Don't do that: children will do the opposite.
Don't get too close to others: don't trust others, don't love others, others may be bad people, so you should be vigilant.
You are unimportant: if you are always belittled by others, you will feel unimportant. Even if I become important in the future, I can't show my achievements.
Don't be a child: I want to take care of others, and like adults, I will ignore my own needs and interests.
Don't grow up: I have to be obedient like a child all the time to get the support of my parents.
Don't succeed: If you become strong because of failure, you may accept this message and stop seeking success.
You have to listen to me: children may just be puppets of their parents and can't be themselves.
Step 5 overcome the ban
Discover and acknowledge your previous self-defeating ideas, and then try to replace them with new positive ideas. This is really not an easy thing. Evaluate some decisions you made as a child.
? What implicit and direct information have I heard and accepted?
? How reasonable is this information?
? What self-defeating words have I said to myself?
? What influence did my main point of view have on me?
? How should I challenge some decisions I have made and make some new choices so that I can embark on a positive path?
? If I can successfully replace some outdated ideas with more realistic ones, how will my life be different?
Rational emotional therapy: both emotional and behavioral problems stem from the attachment process of individuals to important others in childhood. Others gave us some incorrect ideas, and we accepted them without thinking, and kept them by self-suggestion and self-repetition. The idea of self-defeating is that we take root in our minds while repeating those wrong ideas over and over again.
Alice's A-B-C theory: people put incorrect ideas on themselves, and as a result, their lives become a mess. He believes that emotional anxiety and pain are caused by wrong ideas, not from real life events.
Self-directed training: Many people who are dissatisfied with their lives change by examining their inner thoughts, so as to get positive coping methods. Only by correcting your inner incorrect thoughts can you gain the strength and methods to change your life.
Alice emphasizes that your feelings come largely from what you think of yourself. Therefore, if you want to change the negative image, you must first learn to reduce the constant input of inappropriate comments and try to change the wrong understanding you have accepted. In addition, you need to replace those self-defeating ideas with positive ones.
Allen? Baker: Cognitive therapy.
The hypothesis of this theory is that people with situational obstacles will make "logical mistakes" that distort reality. This systematic error in reasoning will lead to wrong concepts and imagination, which is called cognitive distortion.
Extreme thinking
Overinduction
Exaggerate or shrink
Error classification
Arbitrary inference
Abstract extraction
by itself
Inner parents: refers to the attitudes and ideas about ourselves and others that we get directly from our parents or their substitutes. In the process of growing up, we tend to internalize the information we get from parents and authorities. When we want to question and challenge some negative voices that we internalize, it marks that we are beginning to mature.
A sign of maturity: We should explore the process of acquiring values more deeply and carefully, because we may not have considered some values clearly before.
How to learn and understand the role of early information in our continuous influence? The first thing is to think about the source of our values and beliefs. Observe what you are willing to do and what you are unwilling to do. Then analyze the reasons. For example, you find that you don't want to apply for college because you classified yourself as "not smart enough" a long time ago. You tell yourself that you will never get into college. Why bother? In this case, your early judgment of your IQ prevents you from making new efforts, but you can also choose not to accept the influence of this obstacle. You can ask yourself "Who said I was stupid"? Even if the teacher said such a thing, must what he said be true? Why should I accept this statement without thinking? I have to verify it myself and see what the result is. "By having this conversation with yourself, you can start to change your view of yourself.
That is, there is a voice inside us that has been criticizing us and constantly judging our values. We formed this kind of personality content from a very young age, and attracted others in the surrounding environment to make similar judgments about us. This kind of internal critical thinking affects our thinking, controls our behavior, stifles our creativity and initiative, and makes us feel ashamed, anxious, depressed, tired and lose our self-esteem. In early life, this kind of voice reflected the concern of parents, teachers and important people. When others find that we are not up to our due level, we will feel pain and shame, and this inner voice can protect us from this negative feeling.
When you realize that you are in a state of negative self-dialogue, it is useful to challenge your inner critical voice.
? It stifles your creativity.
? This makes you very vulnerable and afraid of making mistakes and failing.
? It makes you unwilling to take risks.
? This makes you very sensitive to other people's judgments.
? It warns you never to look stupid.
? It makes your life tense, tangled and boring.
Under different cultural backgrounds and different value systems, the content of internal critical thinking will be different, but it is universal, which will weaken people's ability and make them unwilling to make progress.
Researchers believe that in order to reduce the negative influence of this self-defeating internal voice and change the role of this negative force, we need to cultivate an internal support system similar to that of parents to protect you and your creativity. You don't have to destroy it to overcome this internal critical thinking. On the contrary, you can weaken its influence by embracing it.
Mindfulness:
Another way to challenge your inner critical thinking requires you to have a strong observation ability, be fully aware of the influence of internal and external factors on your current situation, and accept the present with an open attitude without making any judgment. This is a measure of our ability to grow, heal and love ourselves. When we live with mindfulness, we can improve our ability to pay more attention to the present.
Accept:
It shows that you are curious and kind, and you can accept your present situation without any judgment or self-criticism. You know exactly what your brain is thinking all the time.
By practicing mindfulness and acceptance, we can improve our satisfaction with our present life.
Relationship with parents
In the relationship with parents, many of us have suffered psychological trauma because of some early experiences. We often can't forget the past and always think that parents should be responsible for the problem. We shouldn't blame our parents. As adults, we can get what we want from our parents.
If we can't stop blaming them, we will resent them. If we cling to resentment and expect them to change, or we have to wait for their approval, then we can only be trapped in painful memories and experiences for a long time. If we always hold a grudge against our parents and pay attention to them, then we can't treat our life constructively. If we can let go of those resentments and regrets, we can save ourselves from the past. Only when we are full of energy can we enjoy our present life.
If you want to build a closer relationship with your father and insist that he communicate with you more and agree with you, you may be disappointed because he can't do what you want. If you focus on him, you will feel powerless in many ways, but you can choose how to get along with him.
As long as you are stuck in the complaining mode and don't come out, you won't find that you still have the ability to change the pressure he brings to your life. You can ask yourself the question, "Can what I want to say or do bring our relationship closer?" If not, you don't have to say or do it. When you make a major change in communicating with him or getting along with him, you will be surprised to find how he changes with it, and then the possibility of him doing what you want him to do will greatly increase.
If you want to get inner peace, you should get rid of resentment, anger and blame others, because these emotions will not only destroy your relationship with others, but also be extremely unfavorable to you. Only when you feel calm inside can you establish a harmonious relationship with others. You have a choice in this respect! Even if your family status is far from your ideal, you can re-choose your attitude towards past experiences and find out what is still affecting your present life. If you are willing to take responsibility for yourself now, you will start to dominate your life.
Early adulthood
The characteristics of young people from their teens to their early twenties are that they begin to explore and change the direction of their future lives. At this stage, everything is possible and there are unlimited choices in the future. Compared with other stages of life, this stage has the strongest ability of independent exploration.
At this stage, the most important thing is to have three abilities: independent responsibility, independent decision-making and financial freedom.
People with strong exploration ability will form their own world view;
? Love: Think about who you are and hope to find someone to spend your life with.
? Work: What's my specialty? How can I find a satisfactory job in the field that suits me best?
? World outlook: individuals at this stage will question their world outlook formed in childhood and adolescence, and a new value system will be produced in this process of reflection.
1, adolescence: 2 1-34 years old
Self-theoretical point of view in the situation: The key point at this stage is to be able to establish close relationships and find satisfactory jobs. Things related to growth also include: caring for yourself and others, finding long-term goals in life, cultivating physical and emotional relationships with others, finding the meaning of life, and enhancing the endurance of achieving long-term goals and delaying satisfaction.
Erickson's view on psychological and social development: individual identity faces challenges when establishing intimate relationships again, because the ability to establish intimate relationships depends on self-clarity.
Major conflicts: intimacy and loneliness
Core quality: love
Potential problems: The challenge in this period is to establish close relationships with others while maintaining self. If we can't master a balanced relationship, it will lead to excessive self-centeredness or full attention to the needs of others. If there is no intimate relationship, it will lead to individual alienation and loneliness.
2. Middle age: 35-55 years old
Self-theoretical point of view in the situation: At this stage, individuals should "go out of themselves" and then evaluate their job satisfaction, social participation and life choices, which will further consolidate their life value system. The task at this stage is to raise children, support partners and take care of the elderly at home. When faced with challenges, we should not only admit our achievements, but also accept our shortcomings.
Erickson's view of psychological and social development: individuals begin to think about death and question whether their lives are really happy. At this stage, life is at a crossroads and needs rethinking.
Major conflicts: reproduction and stagnation
Core quality: caring
Potential problem: possible problem: if you don't breed, you will stagnate. When individuals find that there is a gap between reality and dreams, they will feel pain.
Deep questions: In the meantime, we may ask ourselves some questions. Is this the whole of life? What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What's missing from my life now? Am I most excited about my present life? At this stage, professional women will want to stay with their families, housewives will start working like leaving home, and men will question their careers and think about how to make their work more meaningful. When they treat success, they will be very concerned about success, because this is often the standard by which others evaluate them; On the other hand, they also began to think about the price paid for success and explore the true meaning of success from a deeper level.
3. Late middle age: 56-69 years old
Self-theoretical point of view in the situation: At this stage, individuals really begin to become wise, and their main tasks include: helping others, serving the community, and imparting their own experience and value to others. In addition, at this stage, individuals should begin to face the gradual decline of their health and IQ and plan their retirement life.
4. Old age: after 70 years old.
Self-theoretical point of view in the situation: the theme of this stage is sadness, loss, memory and adaptation. The tasks at this stage are: coping with loss and change, keeping in touch with others, compromising with death, reviewing life, accepting that your dependence on others has increased, accepting that your ability to control your life has weakened, and considering what you can do for yourself and others.
Eriksson's view of psychological and social development: If an individual thinks that he has experienced success and failure, then he has achieved self-improvement, and his life is meaningful without regret.
Major conflicts: perfection and disappointment
Core quality: wisdom
Potential problems: If self-realization cannot be realized, individuals often feel helpless, guilty and resentful, and self-exclusion. If the individual regrets the unfinished business in the past, then this feeling of wasting life will lead to the individual's fear of death.
Those elderly people who have successfully achieved self-improvement will feel that their lives are very valuable and successful. They can face success and failure. They are very satisfied with their own life course, and will not entangle with the unchangeable facts, nor will they get stuck in what they should think. They accept themselves and everything they have achieved, and they can also accept others, thinking that their present situation is largely the result of self-choice. When they enter old age, they feel whole, balanced and full. They can face death calmly and make every day alive rich and wonderful. For the elderly, it is very important to show such a state of life. One of the reasons is that it can convey hope to young people and make them feel that life is worth living.
Unfortunately, some old people can't do this. They are afraid of death, have self-loathing and despair, and enter old age with broken hearts. They often feel that they lack control over what happens, and they can't even accept their own lives. Many things have not been completed, and I am eager to live again, although I know it is impossible. They can't accept themselves because they think they have wasted their lives.
Some secrets of keeping a long life:
Develop good living habits.
Keep exercising.
Accept yourself and be satisfied with yourself.
Keep in touch with family and friends.
Take an active part in life.
Release your anger, not keep it in your heart.
Self-mediation ability forgives others and does not hold grudges.
Ready to help others.
Have your own hobbies and stick to them.