"Breaking up has little to do with your gender. A person who really loved you will definitely think of you in the dead of night when tossing and turning, whether it is regret or disappointment. "
Only in the matter of breaking up, men and women have different expressions, just like Meng Yun and Jia Lin in Raiders 3, who broke up after a long love run for five years because of a little episode. Meng Yun and his brothers revel in nightclubs every day, looking for "second spring" on the software, while Lin Jia stays in Lacrimosa all day.
So many tourists always ask me, "Chen Yu, I am very happy to see him. Have you forgotten me long ago? "
In fact, you only see the surface of men, but you don't see where they are really sad. Men will feel pain and despair, but in a different way from you.
Today, I bring you a real case. Tourist Ajie, 25, is a designer of an advertising company.
Ajie and his girlfriend are college classmates. Near graduation, he was busy looking for a job, while his girlfriend successfully applied for graduate school. During the summer vacation, he did nothing, and every day he hoped Ajie could spend more time with her. At that time, Ajie had no mind to "fall in love" at all, and often ignored the needs of his girlfriend. The little girl's mood suddenly came up, and they broke up in a quarrel.
Ajie said that when we first broke up, there was only one thought in our hearts: it was so cool! He indulged himself in drinking and playing games with his buddies. During this time, his friend introduced him to a girl, not to mention how free he was. It wasn't until one night that he saw his predecessor's coat still at home, and suddenly memories came to mind, only to find that he had broken up for almost two months. He thought about it in the dialog box, but he couldn't help sending a message: How have you been recently? As a result, he only got a red exclamation mark, which deeply hurt his heart. He began to regret why he didn't get his girlfriend back earlier and why he easily lost such a good girl.
Therefore, after breaking up, men are not painless, but they have not yet reached the sad place and their tears have not bounced off.
According to my years of consulting experience, a man will go through three different stages after breaking up. I am free at last. 2 I want to find a new person. After I was empty and lonely, I began to reflect on my predecessor.
Stage one: I'm finally free. The biggest difference between men and women in love is the degree of investment. Men pay first and then enjoy, while women enjoy first and then pay. Therefore, in the later period of love, women often wonder if men don't cherish it when they get it, so they unconsciously want to control men. Although men don't say anything, their inner desire for freedom is increasing day by day.
So at the beginning of the breakup, they were like wild horses out of control. It is no exaggeration to say that they even feel: "I am free at last!"
Put everything you used to restrain on the agenda: "I can finally play with my buddies until the early hours of the morning and don't go home." I finally don't have to report my whereabouts at any time. I finally don't have to face the same person every day. "
His free and easy is not only for indulgence, but also for "demonstrating" to you. I want you to know that I still live well without you. Men are so naive sometimes. This is his way to relieve his inner pressure and quickly divert his attention. Whether he loves you or wants to get back together, he will paralyze himself with indulgence first.
But this will make many girls misunderstand: why am I so sad, he seems innocent?
Stage two: I'm going to find new people. According to Maslow's demand pyramid, human needs are divided into several levels, including physiological needs, security needs, social needs, respect needs and self-realization needs.
It is the same thing to look at the relationship between men and women. After men regain their freedom, they still need the most basic physiological needs and social needs, among which love accounts for a large proportion, because each of us needs love and being loved, companionship and care. Therefore, when a relationship ends, they will be eager to find new lovers because of the lack of "love needs+physical needs".
Seeing this, you may be curious. Why get back together when everyone has gone to find a new lover?
I have found from many years of case studies that it is difficult to find a satisfactory next one in a short time after breaking up for two reasons:
There are few girls who can make themselves willing to pay and really like them.
(2) When pursuing the object you like, it is a big problem to find that you are not attractive enough.
The third stage: after emptiness and loneliness, men will eventually begin to reflect on their rationality. After the free single life, their negative emotions have gradually calmed down and they will begin to reflect on their past love.
For example, after a nightclub carnival, looking at an empty home, I will remember that when I was with you, I didn't come home so late. When friends get together, they all have girlfriends checking posts, but there is no movement on their mobile phones; I worked overtime until midnight, and I didn't cook dinner or have you on the sofa.
At this time, the shadow of lovelorn will cover him step by step.
I remember a good friend in college who always complained that his girlfriend was unreasonable and didn't care enough to understand him, but he was embarrassed to break up directly, so he hesitated for half a month and thought of many reasons to show his cards.
As a result, the other party only replied with one word: "good", and even blacked out WeChat first.
While this buddy is pushing, his friend is glad that his girlfriend is too frank, and he has lost a lot of procrastination. Not happy for half a month, he completely changed his mind and kept asking people around him: "Hey? She is so cheerful, isn't she already taken? " "Why didn't she come to me? Did she forget me so soon? " "I was too cruel? Did I hurt her? "
Did you get a look at him? Men at this stage are already in pain. While eager to know your dynamics, you blame yourself for being "worthless".
The fourth stage: miss your predecessor. They realized that they were really single, and you really left.
It is also the time when their desire to get back together is the strongest, and they will have great curiosity about their predecessors. If at this time, he finds that you are getting better and better, as if you don't need him anymore, his vanity and self-esteem will start to work, and he will feel like a fool who broke up at the beginning!
In other words, after the third stage of emptiness and reflection, the wisest choice for him is to get back together with you. On the one hand, he has realized that his life is not as beautiful as he thought, on the other hand, he is used to living with you and can't find a more suitable candidate than you.
And many men will pretend to be drunk at this stage and call their ex through drunkenness to test your willingness to get back together.
So I always advise my visitors that a man's rude feelings are like "protective color". After removing the disguise, he will also miss the past, miss you who once loved, and regret breaking up with you. Therefore, our salvation is to actively promote the arrival of this period and seize every opportunity by grasping his emotional changes.
Unfortunately, many girls are disorganized when they recover, and they screwed up before entering this stage.
In fact, according to the emotional changes of men in the four stages after breaking up, there are also several corresponding recovery stages. I will analyze them one by one to help you find the most suitable recovery window.
The first stage: the core of this rejection stage is-don't worry.
Now that he has confirmed the fact that he broke up with you, it proves that he has a lot of negative feelings for you. Your behavior, recklessness, ignorance, are all labeled like labels. No matter how hard you try at this time, there is little hope, and it is likely that your attitude will become tougher.
No matter how unwilling you are, wait a while, give him a buffer time and leave room for both sides. Note that this is not the same as disconnecting. Not to make you disappear completely, but not to put pressure on each other. You can reply to your feelings in detail. What problems have you not corrected in the past? What is his most unacceptable place? Do you want to get back together because you can't bear it or can't live without it?
The second stage: the cooling-off period has passed the period of rejection of negative emotions, and there is not much anger in his heart. Even if he is still cold to you, at least he is not so resistant.
Simply put, his feelings for you have changed from "negative" to "positive". He will inadvertently think of your good.
This is our first window of recovery. When he is remembered, your appearance seems to be "fate", but we must grasp the scale of contact and don't mention the combination at the beginning. After all, recovery can't be achieved by talking. Our attitude is too casual, which will also make the other party doubt our sincerity.
So I suggest you find something for help on purpose, such as: "The computer at home is broken, and my friend says it seems that the hard disk is broken. I don't understand this either. Can you take a look at it for me? " "Do you have the phone number of the master who went home to repair the sewer last time? I haven't found it for a long time, and I dare not find strangers to come home. "
The summary is: what is he good at+asking him for help+testing his attitude = judging whether he still has negative emotions.
If he is willing to help and prove that he has no resistance to us, we can pull the relationship back to the position of friends: "Thanks to your help today, I don't know what to do without you. I've been looking for an opportunity to apologize to you. I really didn't understand before, so I'll be an ordinary friend in the future. "
The advantages of this are:
-lower your guard, you really won't get him into trouble, and you can leave a good impression.
I'm curious about you, but your calmness will surprise him.
The third stage: I often compare love to a bank card. Good memories are recharging bank cards, while sad memories are overdrawing bank cards. Breaking up proves that the bank card has been maxed out.
Therefore, in order to let the other party enter the most critical period of nostalgia, we must first retrieve the love that we have stored.
For example, when we chat with each other, we can bring up some situational memories. For example, "A new Japanese restaurant has opened downstairs in my house. I just went to eat with my friends yesterday. I remember you like shellfish best. I used to laugh at you. Why do you always like to eat strange dishes? I tried it yesterday and thought it was not bad! "
* * * When the topic starts with "eating", there will be no pressure on the other party, and the possibility of chatting with us will be much greater. If we talk well, we will still have the opportunity to ask each other out, eat and chat together, and the success rate will be very high.
In fact, redemption has never been a one-man battle.
When you complain about a man's ruthlessness, it's because you haven't found the right time and grasped his true feelings. How can a person who really loves you give up when he says give up?
Therefore, dear friends, the most difficult and crucial thing in redemption is never a heartless partner, but whether you have recognized yourself and accepted it enough. If you don't even give him a basic understanding, what's the reason to put the lid on "he's not in pain"
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.