I haven't heard from you for a long time, and I feel very distressed. I thought of death, and I cut my pulse with potato chips; Hit you on the head with tofu; Jump over buildings with parachutes; Noodles. Everyone can die. You can invite me to dinner and support me to death.
If you feel cold, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.
The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live such a life of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: leave! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!
The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "I'm so stubborn when I'm fucking ripe."
6. Have you eaten? Please receive the short message. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~
7, you have grown up, there are some things you should know: the sky is used for wind and rain; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I used it to prove how great human beings are; You are used to stew vermicelli.
8. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!
9. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!
10, God, it's so blue! Sea water, too salty! Life is too hard! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! What can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!
1 1, send you 12 Zodiac. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, cute as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!
12, the beauty of learning is that people are confused; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in her stupidity.
No regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.
13 I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you or not. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!
14, have you heard of it? Looking back 500 times in my last life, I brushed it in my life. Close friends like you and me, it seems that they didn't do anything in their last life, but H turned his fucking head!
15, two counterfeiters inadvertently made counterfeit banknotes with face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried, and the farmer gave them two 7 pieces.
16, your life portrayal: at the age of ten, learn to bathe yourself-pigs wash themselves; Brilliant at the age of twenty ―― when the pig is young; Looking for a job at the age of 30-starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of 50 ―― throw pigs!
draw a blank
Old fans watch the ball game on TV, and the old lady is busy in the kitchen; The game is over, old lady.
The old woman asked tentatively, "How many goals did you score?" "Zero to zero, even." "looking for nothing."
A woman in white.
One day, a taxi driver felt very tired after working all day, so he wanted to drive.
The bus went home, it was already midnight.
He happened to pass by the No.2 funeral home in Beishi. He felt Mao Mao's in his heart and thought, "Oh, great ~ Go to sleep!
Very strange, get out and go home ~ ~ ~ "At this moment, a man dressed in white suddenly appeared on the roadside.
The woman asked him to stop, and when the driver hesitated to stop, the car just stalled on the woman.
Front.
The driver feels so strange. How come...
At this time, the woman got on the bus silently ~ ~ "I'm going to Songshan Airport ~ ~".
The woman spoke.
The driver felt even more creepy and the car could start again.
"Oh ~ ~ well, Songshan airport, right! ? "The driver said in a trembling voice.
"……"
When the car was driving, the driver looked at the woman in the rearview mirror and thought there was no blood on her face.
Color, pale, I feel as if I have arrived.
In order to stop thinking, the driver took out an apple and chewed it to eliminate his inner feelings.
Uneasy.
Then the woman in the back seat said, "I like apples best before I die ~ ~" Driver 1
Listen, the mouth that bit the apple not only opened wide, but also stood on end!
The woman continued to say, "but I don't like eating after giving birth ~ ~" What should I do?
Fifty percent
A patient anxiously asked the doctor: what is the survival rate of this disease after surgery?
The doctor replied: 50%!
The patient asked nervously, Are you sure?
The doctor said confidently: no problem, it will be successful this time!
Because 49 people have died in front!
department store
A shop assistant in a department store nagged a housewife about all the advantages of a product.
Just after the introduction, the housewife didn't respond. Finally, the salesman asked: after talking for a long time, what is missing in your family?
What? The housewife bluntly said: money.
Semi-crazy
A: "Old man, why did you pour other people's wheat into your own sack?"
B: "Because I'm a half-crazy person? Answer: "since you are a half-crazy person, why not?" "
Pour your own wheat into someone else's sack "B:" Then I'm completely crazy! "
baseball player
An excellent baseball player was walking on the road when he suddenly saw a kitten swaying in a tree.
He grabbed the kitten and threw it in the direction of first base.
fortune
A mother came out with her baby and coaxed her baby on the bus.
A passenger poked his head out curiously and said, Wow! What an ugly baby!
Mom is sad to hear that, isn't she? I kept crying and crying. Then the car stopped at a station.
Some new passengers came up. A kind passenger comforted her when she cried so sadly.
Say, madam, why are you crying so sad? You have to relax everything, you can't solve it.
That thing! ! All right! All right! ! Stop crying! !
I'll get you a cup of cold water! ! Relax! ! After a while, the passenger
I really poured her a glass of water and said, ok! ! Stop crying! ! Drink this glass of water and you will feel comfortable.
Point. Also, this banana is for your monkey! !
pay back
"Nature always rewards people. For example, if a person is blind in one eye, so is his other eye.
The vision of one eye will become stronger; If a person is deaf in one ear, his other ear
You will become smarter. And so on. "
"I think you really have a point. When one leg is shorter than the other, the other leg
It's always longer. "
retaliate
In other words, a pair of nude statues have stood opposite each other in the park for decades. ...
One day, Cupid, the god of love, descended from the sky and came to them and said:
"I think you two look at each other every day but can't start work. It must be very frustrating ... I will today.
Let you be a person and do what you want! But only fifteen minutes. "
After that, the two statues turned into people, and the two men immediately jumped into the grass ... The haystack sighed.
Hey, Susie's voice ...
Ten minutes later, they jumped out of the grass. ...
Cupid said to them, "Alas, there are still five minutes left. Please enjoy it again."
After that, they looked at each other, smiled and jumped into the grass. ...
Vaguely heard the female statue say to the male statue:
"... I put this pigeon down and shit on your head ..."
report
Cucumber has always been interested in studying biology. Once he cut off two feet of a flea, but
Then he said to the flea, jump! Jump!
As a result, fleas still jump
He cut off two more and said to the flea, jump! Jump!
Fleas still jump as expected.
Then he cut off two feet and said to the flea, jump! Jump!
At this time, the flea can't jump any more.
So he wrote down his experience: "A flea became deaf after cutting off six feet."
Take the wrong
Lao Chen: "Last night was really unlucky."
Lao Li: "What's the matter?"
Lao Chen: "I went home early last night. I used to hug my maid in the dark, but who knows? "
It was my wife who hugged me last night. "
Lao Li: "That doesn't matter!"
Lao Chen: "But my wife said ~ Xiao Feng, Lao Chen will be back soon, so don't go!" "
complain
There were quarrels from the registration office of the nursing home. It turned out that the registrar and two old people were quarrelling.
One of the old people pointed to an old man next to him and said to the registrar, "He can go to a nursing home."
Well, why can't I go in? "
The registrar said, "According to the regulations, nursing homes generally only accept elderly people without children. He has no children.
Woman, of course you can enter. You have a son. I'm afraid it's not appropriate to go in. "
Hearing this, the old man became even angrier. He pointed to the old man next to him and shouted, "Yes, I have.
Son! But he is my son! "
The hilarious police station record!
Hey! ! Hello, this is * * branch. I'm officer Chen. I'm at home now, not at home.
Bureau, because we are on strike, you are listening to the telephone recording now! After listening to your mouth, finish one.
Please press 1 after the sound, 2 swearing, 3 farting and chatting, 3 lying.
4. Wrong number, please hang up and redial. Thank you! So! ! What kind of situation is needed?
In position. !
tragedy
After someone committed suicide, they left the following records:
"I married a widow who has an adult daughter.
My father fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her-so he became my daughter.
Husband, and my stepdaughter became my mother, because she is my father's wife. "
"My wife gave birth to a son. Of course, he is my father's brother-in-law and my brother-in-law.
Uncle, because he is the son of my stepmother. "
"My father's wife also gave birth to a son, this son is my brother, of course, but also.
My grandson, because he is my daughter's son. "
"Therefore, my wife is my grandmother, because it is my mother's mother-I am.
My wife's husband is also her grandson-because one's grandmother's husband is him.
Grandfather-so I'm my own grandfather! "
Get out if you can't move your back.
When I go home on holiday, my classmates will see me off. A boy helped me with my luggage, although it rolled down.
Beads, but the luggage is heavy and big.
I saw that boy struggling to carry his luggage, so I said to him, "Get out if you can't move your back!" "
Hearing this, the boy put down his luggage and looked at me angrily. I am one leng, quickly explained to him:
"I mean the wheels!"
Neglected customers.
Lao Wang sat in the restaurant for a long time and saw other guests eating with relish. It's just that he still has no waiter.
When I greeted him, I got up and asked my boss, "Excuse me, am I sitting in the audience?"
An instinctive answer
After getting drunk, some people will have sex after drinking, while others will tell the truth.
After drinking some wine before going to bed, Mr. He felt dizzy, so he went to bed first and slept until midnight.
Mr. He suddenly got up and quickly put on his shirt and trousers. "Why do you get up in the middle of the night to get dressed and where are you going?
Where is it? "
Mrs. He asked incredulously. "I want to go home soon," Mr. He replied instinctively.
Child: "Mom, what is this?"
Mom: "This is rat poison."
Child: "Mom, is our mouse sick?"