We moved out from home, took our semi-new and not-old bags, found a shabby house that was as cheap as ever, rented it and started an adventurous life.
Our eyes are full of curiosity, our blood is full of passion, but our wallets are unprecedentedly thin.
Facing the first job of the first boss and the first group of colleagues, we are so passionate. We thought we could do anything. We fantasize that we can build a world of our own soon, and we are full of confidence in the future. And hope to find a little proud capital from the envious eyes of others.
But gradually, we realize that there is a world of difference between reality and our ideals. We found out how insidious the boss is, how snobbish and stingy the colleagues are, how boring the work is, and how worrying the rent, utilities and gas bills are. Payday always seems out of reach, and things in the shop seem to be just for others. We also found that only wandering around our alma mater on weekends will we feel relieved, only chatting and playing with old classmates will we feel really happy, and only watching beautiful women on the pedestrian street will we not feel bored.
Gradually, we also learned to go clubbing. Bars, discos, water bars, Internet cafes and toy bars are all places where we kill boring time. But we still can't pick up girls. In the money age, those self-righteous love theories and skills of picking up girls are all nonsense and surprisingly pale and powerless. So we sigh that the world is changing so fast that we poor boys are at a loss.
Gradually, we became deeper and deeper, no longer laughing at a childish joke, no longer complaining at will, and no longer telling others our innermost secrets easily. We can't tell whether this is maturity or depression. Looking in the mirror, we found that the face inside was terrible.
Gradually, we seem to understand everything, and everything is illusory. Then we are indifferent to everything and don't give up our seats by bus. We don't care about stealing when we see something, and we forget it when we eat a little. But we worry about what to eat for dinner before we get off work every day. When we have tea together, we plan whether to pay the bill or not, and calculate this month's expenses before going to bed.
Gradually, we feel that we are nothing, with no money, no name and no status, too short, too dark and too ugly. Looking at our faces, we seem to be inferior wherever we go. Sometimes I really want to cut my veins and hang myself.
Gradually, we don't want to read books, talk about ideals, talk about the future, and spend too much energy thinking. We don't want to listen to music or watch movies, but we often watch adult discs and exchange some dirty jokes. We began to indulge in wine, in Fangcheng, in low places. The concept of home is becoming more and more vague, and the feeling of affection is becoming more and more distant. Except occasionally going back to our hometown in our dreams, we can at best talk to our family about things that have begun to deviate from our lives with the help of a cold telephone line, but we can't see how many white hairs and wrinkles our parents have grown.
Seeing someone struggling on the court, we seem to remember. As a matter of fact, our long-term physical inactivity can no longer support us to run a little longer, and our almost abandoned technology makes us wonder whether the years when we played football came from a previous life.
Looking at the avant-garde boys and girls all over the street, we began to show disgust, but forgot that we had actually surpassed them a few years ago. When we meet loving student couples in public, our eyes will turn to contempt, and we will say that they are immoral.
When we passed the lottery sales point, we couldn't help but take out a little money that should have been spent on books to buy a few bets, and then dream of buying a house and a car every day. After spending 5 million yuan, every time someone won the first prize, it was always out of reach, so after a short disappointment, we still dreamed persistently.
Gradually, our outlook on life, values and love has also changed. We think there is nothing wrong with climbing by hook or by crook. We laugh at the idea that hard work will pay off. We laugh at the so-called concept of chastity, the so-called sense of responsibility, and even hope to find a one-night stand.
We began to pay attention to whether the car running on the street is BMW or Alto, which bar girl in the lounge drinks more wine, which mobile phone is more eye-catching to use and which brand of suit is more stylish to wear. But this is just a worry, because we know that we can't afford either BMW or Alto, the barmaid can't drink any more, and we can't do anything to others. As for mobile phones and suits, we still use the old styles that we have bought for a long time.
I don't know when it started, but we began to feel wronged by what happened to us. We are more and more disgusted with the ugly face of our boss, more and more intolerable to the meanness of our colleagues, and more and more intolerable to such a life. Therefore, while lamenting our bad luck, we are eager to change our destiny. We look around for opportunities, but we can't see the way out.
Finally, one day, like a volcanic eruption, we fired our boss on impulse. The moment we packed our things and proudly walked out of the office, we felt heroic and regretless when the hero left. We only saw a trace of helplessness in the startled and mocking eyes of our colleagues, but we didn't know that there would be endless pain and suffering waiting for us.
We soon found that, although we have not low academic qualifications and certain work experience, we ran from one company to another like a running field, and we applied again and again, but we couldn't find a suitable job at all.
As time goes by, the job is still far away, the wallet is getting smaller and smaller, and the day of paying rent is getting closer and closer. Our hearts are burning with fear that the end of the world is coming. We also began to regret our rash resignation and began to have the idea of taking risks, but we were afraid of robbing banks and kidnapping. Our mood is extremely low, our temper is also big, and our sighs are ringing.
Fortunately, these days have finally passed. We have arrived at a new work unit. At this time, although we are more or less excited, we are more cautious and bleak. We don't have any illusions about the boss, we don't think how good he will be to us, and we don't talk to our colleagues, because we already know that it is impossible to be friends with people with conflicts of interest. Of course, we no longer foolishly regard this job as a career, but just regard it as our springboard and leave at the first opportunity.
The next life is boring, but we gradually don't care. We don't want to go clubbing, and we don't want the meaning of living. Old classmates began to talk about love stories together. Friends who rarely contacted before, now don't want to contact. Even if I call sometimes, I just say something casually to deal with a few words. Although I still drink a lot, I often get drunk alone. At this time, our loneliness goes deeper into the bone marrow, and our pain is more real and delicate. We miss those years in school as never before. We will stay with graduation photo for half a day, but we don't want to wander around our alma mater any more. If we happen to pass by and see the scenery we used to be familiar with, our hearts will really swell with sadness, but we won't cry. Boys' tears, once cheap when they graduated, are now precious.
Of course, we still surf the Internet often, but most of the time it is to kill time. We are probably addicted to games such as legends, but seldom visit the website of the reunion, let alone leave messages on it.
We learned to deceive ourselves and others through self-study. Although we will hate our hypocrisy and inaction when we dream back at night, and even hate this lifestyle that is inferior to pigs and dogs, we are like imprisoned birds, and there is nothing we can do. Sometimes we will find many excuses to explain our behavior in a self-deprecating way, although we also know that this is actually meaningless and necessary.
We began to hear the news that our old classmates got married and got promoted. Then we inadvertently remembered the appearance of so-and-so at school, and then we couldn't help sighing about the ruthlessness of time, and then we wanted to write something in the dusty diary, and then our eyes unconsciously got a little moist.
When we lie in bed with our eyes wide open at night, but we can't get rid of the depression in the dark, we especially want someone to accompany us.
Many past events will come to us like the tide. People who once secretly loved, people who once pursued but failed, and people who once loved all flashed in their minds, so there will be a kind of sadness in their hearts, which is pure sadness. Because we know that love is really far away from us.
We try to make friends through various channels, but we don't want to associate every few times. I can't tell whether it is because they are too realistic or we are too closed. We are filled with emotion. In this society where many people wear masks, it turns out that it is so difficult to make a real friend. We also tried dating, but love is not as simple as drinking water and eating, and all ended in failure. Whether high or low, we continue to hold high the banner of singles and wander the streets.
We miss the simple love affair when we were students, envy those young people who can still sit in the classroom, and hope that we can go to college again, but we also know how to return to the long-lost time in water under the bridge.
We drink more and more, and drinking a dozen beers can't count as two fingers. Our waists are getting thicker and thicker, our backs are getting wider and wider, our bellies are getting bigger and bigger, and the increasing fat is very dazzling. We climbed the stairs more and more clumsily and laboriously, and when we reached the third floor, we were panting.
We are eager to have a look outside, but we are afraid of falling to the end of the world and suffering. I feel more and more that Qian Zhongshu's besieged city theory is incisive and reasonable. We are more and more aware of the helplessness of people in the rivers and lakes. We feel more and more tired and depressed.
……
However, there is still a long way to go. Anyway, we have to live. Whether it is pain or happiness, we have to face it.
After all, you can't escape if you want to. Therefore, we still hope it will be sunny tomorrow. Moreover, we still believe in our bones that we will walk out of the haze and go forward bravely.
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PS: I hope it's useful to you ~ _