My biggest feeling is that it's really not easy for everyone.
Some people have done many things that they have never done in their lives:
Some people put a low profile and kept pleading:
There are still some people who struggle for a long time and don't give up even if they can't see hope, even if they are in pain:
The bloody reality is in front of us: few people save their success by themselves, but many people are disheartened.
I can hear something similar from time to time:
"He must still have me in his heart, as long as I work harder!"
"How did he become so heartless? Did he treat me like this? "
This time, I really want to wake you up. There is something wrong with your feelings. You don't want to get rid of each other's resistance to you. Instead, you keep wondering: why did he stop loving me so soon? How can he forget our feelings for so many years?
Did you save him or did he save you?
Therefore, it is not his attitude towards you that really decides to save success, but your saving strategy!
Why do I never advocate paying too much when I save?
There is a simple reason.
The more you please, the more men think I don't have to do anything, and you can cut out your heart. Then why should I pay for your emotions?
So why do many tourists, even if they can get in touch, have to hang as spare tires? Because a man essentially enjoys being loved, it is difficult for him to refuse a woman who loves him.
Maybe you'll be a little curious Since he knows that I love him very much, why doesn't he want to get back together?
This is a question of differences in thinking between men and women. Women are often men who are kind to themselves and love themselves. Men are more inclined to be with the right person, so no matter how much you pay, as long as men think you don't know me well enough, it will be difficult to get back together.
I have directed many real cases of successful return, and I always feel that women who let men take the initiative to return are definitely not relying on their faces and bodies.
More importantly, they can grasp a man's weakness and know what he likes and needs.
Since ancient times, regardless of love or battlefield, the best policy is not to attack the city, but to attack the heart!
So is redemption. If you want to save him, you must first know what he is thinking.
So today I specially sorted out the past cases. Compared with the "please mode" with the worst effect, I summed up a skill with the highest compound success rate: the attack mode.
Divided into two key points:
Let him clearly realize that life after leaving you is not as beautiful as he thought, or even an uneconomical loss.
Let him see your change: after we get back together, we can not only make up for the loss, but also have very good expectations.
You can pay attention to the word "let" I use. The whole process of our attack revolves around "letting the other side accept it subtly".
What the hell should I do?
Step 1: Pull yourself away from your feelings and love each other.
In recovery, it is not easy to think from the other person's point of view, because at this moment you have been carried away by emotions, so if you want to look at the problem rationally, you must first pick yourself out from the whole thing. The more thorough you choose, the more effective your feelings will be.
For example, in the early days of recovery, you can take the initiative to communicate with each other once and make a decision to agree to break up.
Maybe some partners will be curious, don't they say they want to save? Why did you agree to break up again? I want to give you a magical concept called "negative interpretation", which means that when there is a problem in the relationship between two people, people often interpret positive things as negative meanings, which leads to both sides falling into negative emotions.
For example, there is a couple. The girl has been complaining that her boyfriend plays games after work and never accompanies her. Suddenly one day, her boyfriend offered, "Let's go to the movies after work today." Originally, it was a happy thing, but it suddenly occurred to the girl that she and her boyfriend often quarreled recently, and she often complained that her boyfriend couldn't do anything well. There happened to be a "green tea" colleague beside him, and he was very close recently.
Therefore, girls' reaction will change from happiness to doubt each other and worry about whether they are guilty or not.
It's the same thing to change to redemption. Under the background of negative emotions, any behavior of yours, whether good or bad, will make the other person feel that you are doing it for yourself. You have never considered my feelings, and you are so selfish.
Therefore, we might as well take the initiative to break this fixed comment and at the same time pull the other person out of negative emotions and feelings for him.
In this communication, we only need to convey these three points:
I know you don't want to contact me, I have no other meaning;
I respect all your decisions, and I think separation is a good thing;
Regarding our relationship, no matter how it ends, I wish you happiness in the future.
The second step: enlarge the value and give the other party the illusion of completely letting go.
Let me give you a real case directly. I helped a tourist named Lili some time ago. She is a very virtuous and generous girl, and she mingles with friends around her boyfriend.
She and her boyfriend broke up on the spur of the moment because of differences at work. Lily wanted to ask his friend for help to make peace at once, but I stopped her.
I suggested that she keep in touch with his friends during the period after the breakup, and invite them to dinner at home as before, but never mention the breakup at all.
A few days later, just in time for my boyfriend's friend's birthday, I invited her to the party. My advice at that time was not to reply yet. We'll wait and see. There will be good news. As expected, Lili immediately received a message from her boyfriend: "Are you there?"
I suggest Lili reply to her friends first, and explain her hidden feelings while expressing her blessings. My friend soon noticed that something was wrong and said a lot to comfort Lili. At this time, I asked Lili to reply to her boyfriend again and directly asked, "Didn't you tell everyone about us?"
Sure enough, the boyfriend didn't break up publicly at all, and the friend kept bragging, so the other party was easily shaken.
This is a way to amplify the value with the help of the "third party", and if there is no partner with these external advantages, it can also provide value directly.
However, female visitors should be reminded not to equate the promotion of value with wealth status, because it will be a bit harsh for some women, and the value I say comes from self-affirmation.
If you have a high sense of value, he will receive the signal that "she deserves to be treated well"; If you have a low sense of value, he will feel that "she is honored to be with me and she should be good to me", which are two completely different results.
You can start from these three aspects, such as:
Emotional value: bring trust to each other, or understand each other's feelings. Social value: Being his strong backing and letting him know that he is not fighting alone will give him the feeling of 1+ 1 > 2; Interpersonal value: when the other person faces a difficult problem, we use our personal connections to help him, or you are the relationship itself. These are all ways to enlarge the value, and the ultimate goal is to help us re-establish positive personal settings and skillfully restore contact with each other.
Step 3: Establish a new personnel structure and define the relationship boundary with the other party.
Emotion is the most vulnerable and easily influenced part of human beings. After this step, you can appropriately stir up feelings and remind him of the good past.
For example, "well, I don't need to say more. Anyway, my old memories are really precious to me. I will start my new life with this gratitude. "
At the same time, you should explore some new understandings. I used to be a lazy person, but now I start to exercise. I seldom dressed myself before, but now I'm changing my dressing style.
This feeling of alternation between the old and the new will naturally make the other party move again. At this time, we should not be complacent. If we get back together easily, it will give each other a feeling that is too easy to get, so we should make clear the boundary of a good relationship. What do you mean?
We are just friends, that's all.
I won't be dominated by you at any time as before, I won't be responsive and I won't refuse the kindness of the opposite sex.
Therefore, in the communication with the other party, you can keep your distance from the frequency. Here is a "15-day chat method": communicate normally in the first 7 days, provide emotional value and take the initiative to find a topic. When the other person gets used to chatting for a while every day, we can stop this persistence in the next 8 days and refuse him with some reasonable reasons, such as being too busy recently/going abroad on business trip.
At the same time, we can also hint to each other: "Someone is chasing me recently, but I haven't decided whether to accept it or not." It is the most feasible way to guide a man who has just experienced loss to the extreme.
Step 4: Take the initiative to look for opportunities and give the expected affirmation.
At this point, the road to recovery has been paved for more than half, lacking a feasible opportunity.
I suggest you take the initiative to show weakness and ask for help: for example, if your car insurance is overdue, you don't know what to do, so you think of him and hope he can help.
To be on the safe side, we can also add a premise to this temptation: "I asked my friend, and I haven't had time recently, so I'll trouble you if I think about it", so that you can inadvertently give the other person value affirmation and judge the other person's current attitude towards you through this temptation.
If the other party accepts, we can use this reason to continue the invitation. In the process of dating, you can talk about some past emotional topics. You can give the other person some "expected affirmation": "You seem to have changed a lot after so long." You can also easily mention the differences in the past: "How did you say that I was born and died at that time? This is so real! It is really unnecessary to think about this now. "
When the other person is full of emotions, you can safely and boldly propose to get back together. It doesn't matter even if the other person is euphemistic or evasive. You can go back to the second stage and try again. As long as it is carried out slowly and steadily, the final trend will be compound.
Having said that, I finally want to tell you that no matter how heartless your predecessor is, she has the urge to get back together, provided that you use the right strategy.
Sometimes it's not that we don't work hard, but that there is something wrong with the direction of our efforts.
So don't make unnecessary efforts, waste time and hurt yourself. If you really can't grasp the direction of feelings, you can contact me backstage at any time. Good luck to everyone ~
Psychological test: test what your ex wants to say to you most.
1. Do you quarrel over trifles when you are together?
Yes, I often feel very tired.
Rarely quarrel over trifles -2
Occasionally, but we can make up soon -3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes self-reflection and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes -3
Non -4
3.will 3. TA volunteered to tell you about her troubles?
Often say -5
Not so much-4
Will you tell your parents the process of your love?
Every detail, I often spit with my parents -6
Occasionally they will say -5 when they ask.
Almost nothing to say, nothing to say-5
5. How much energy are you willing to spend to get what you want?
Everything is mine, and it is mine after all -7
If you work hard, you may succeed.
Try my best to get everything I want.
6. Did you break up because there was a third party?
Yes. -a
Seventh place
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes -d
No-c
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.