First of all, is he kind and firm? It is to let children feel unconditional love, but there are clear boundaries to make children feel safe.
On the basis of mutual respect and cooperation, we should integrate kindness and firmness, and cultivate children's life skills on the basis of self-control. We need to abandon the ideas of the past. "If you want your child to do better, you have to make him feel worse first." Give priority to respect and understanding. Correctly interpret the information behind the child's bad behavior, whether she wants to seek excessive attention, rights, revenge and self-abandonment. Because a child who misbehaves is a child who loses confidence. When a child misbehaves, take this misbehavior as a password and ask yourself, "What is she trying to tell me?"
Why is it not easy to be kind and firm in real life? ? If children always buy toys, they will want one or two, or they will cry if they don't buy them. At this time, someone replied that you should be kind and firm, and it is estimated that the chat will stop at hehe. Because these five words are not so easy to say.
In fact, there are more and more kind parents now, and they all regard not being angry with their children as a basic standard. At the beginning, everyone treats children as kindly and gently as possible, considers their feelings and respects their needs, but often things end in parents' unbearable anger.
Kindness without firmness is connivance, firmness without kindness is punishment. We understand this truth, but why can't kindness and firmness coexist?
First of all, the first deviation of understanding is kindness. Many times, parents will think that agreeing and meeting all the requirements of their children is kindness, which is often called compromise. Once a child is rejected, many reasons will be attached. Parents are not gods, and there will always be times when they can't meet their children's demands, but this will make parents feel guilty, especially those with low self-worth, so when they refuse, they will always attach a bunch of reasons to prove that their refusal is reasonable and the children's demands are unreasonable.
For example, in the previous example of buying toys, the child wanted a new track sports car and told his mother again and again that I wanted to buy a new car. Although her mother just vomited with her father, she still felt that I should be a little nicer and say to the child, "Look, there are so many families. My mother works hard every day. She will make money to buy you food and clothes. You should be good and sensible. " But if you repeat it, the child will continue to insist.
The essence of reasoning is: I am right and you are wrong. Although this avoids guilt, the flow of love is blocked.
Jean jacques Rousseaux, a French thinker and educator, said that the three most useless ways of education in the world are reasoning, losing one's temper and deliberately moving. It's been almost 300 years, and there are still many lying guns today, right?
Kindness is like a house full of love, with freedom, but also with restrictions; Compromise is like a bottom line that can be constantly tested. I don't know when it will break, but I always want to try again.
Parents are connected with their children when they are kind, even if you are rejecting them; When parents compromise, the child seems to feel that their parents are desperately trying to get rid of him. Even if you satisfy your child, as long as he is quiet.
Then at this time, if the mother wants to refuse the children to buy toys, she can say, "Baby, do you like the new rail car very much?" Mom understands your needs. Your needs are very important. In our agreement, there is no plan to buy new toys today, and mom doesn't want to help you buy them. Or you can figure it out yourself. Now, if you like, I'd like to read a book or play chess with you, ok? "(It's just a reference for expressing ideas, and it's not to encourage mothers to say these words to their children in one breath at that moment. )
Mothers fully understand and respect their children's feelings. Although she rejected the matter itself, she did not reject the flow of love between mother and child, so that children could feel that "mother still loves me" and learn how to say "no" with love.
Through the actual observation of life, when a kind space is established, a firm boundary is needed at this time.
The problem often lies in firmness. Many times, we mistake toughness for firmness. Therefore, when toughness appears, kindness will be driven away. Will it help us if we can distinguish between firmness and toughness?
When you are firm, children or others can still feel your love; When you are tough, the other party has no feelings.
There are three respects for kindness and firmness: respect for yourself, respect for others, respect for the situation, and meeting these three conditions at the same time when you are firm; When you are tough, at least one party is dissatisfied, or dissatisfied. You don't respect others, don't respect the situation, and probably don't even respect yourself.
Firmness is inner respect for both sides and calmness; Toughness is related to my misjudgment of you, not anger.
As a result of my firm attitude, my children think I am a good person (but I have had bad behavior) and my environment is safe (but there are boundaries). What should we do next in order to survive and develop? How to do it; The result of my tough attitude is that my children think I am a bad person, and my current environment is not safe. In order to survive and develop, I have to resist or compromise.
Here is a case.
There are only two days before the final exam, and the homework assigned by the school is all papers. After dinner, the children came in at seven o'clock to do their homework and never came out again. My mother opened the door at nine o'clock and found that there was not a word on the math paper, but she was lying there drawing little people. There are two days before the exam, and I haven't written anything for two hours, and I haven't got to the point yet. It's time to go to bed again. Every message exploded in my mother's head. If I start the "normal" mode (normal is quoted here), it should be a kind of accusation and preaching that makes me angry and makes my children fierce.
Mother asked, "Do you need help?"
The child replied, "Mom, sit next to you."
Then in less than half an hour, a math test paper with a score of 1 minute was completed.
When firmness and kindness are together, mother finds her place and knows what she can do with love and respect. The child knows that he is good, but he has misbehaved. My environment is safe and I can choose what to do next.
When the mother is kind and firm, the child presents the most natural state, and the challenge disappears.
The second is whether it brings a sense of belonging and value to children!
Adler's psychological research believes that children pursue two things in childhood:
The first is a sense of belonging.
The second is the sense of value.
I feel special and valuable. This is called a sense of value.
A sense of belonging means "I know someone loves me, and my parents definitely like me unconditionally." These two feelings are the most important pursuit of children's childhood.
Therefore, many parents will ask such a question: "When children are very young, they cry when they are babies. Do you want to hug him when he cries loudly? " Then many people said, "Don't hug him, the more you hug him, the more you cry." This is a completely layman's point of view, that is, when a child cries, he is looking for a sense of belonging and a feeling that someone loves him. Then his parents ignored him at this time. Parents said, "When he has cried enough, he will stop crying. If only the child would cry. " He will feel particularly anxious in his heart. When will this anxiety be released? After marriage, this unsatisfied sense of belonging and value will become the cause of many quarrels in married life. Therefore, we must be careful whether this kind of education can give children a sense of belonging and value.
The third is whether this educational method is effective for a long time.
Many parents talk coldly to their children, or make a hullabaloo about is fierce, or that kind of feeling and atmosphere can make the whole room afraid of that kind of feeling because parents think that only such strict management can be effective. This "effective" means "in just five minutes". Even now, as long as I'm fierce, he'll be fine at once. Then many parents will say, "I have to turn my face every time. Only when I turn my face can you be obedient." These are short-term effective methods. To consider long-term effectiveness, we should learn some principles. If this behavior accumulates here, will it be useful when he grows up in 10 years or 15 years, or will it be useful when he leaves us and needs self-discipline? This is the third element.
The fourth is valuable social and life skills and good personality.
It is through nurturing that he can pass on valuable social and life skills and good personality. In line with these four characteristics, this is the standard of effective parenting.
So the most unforgettable things are these:
First, we should learn to regard mistakes as opportunities for learning. Children will inevitably make mistakes when they grow up. Every time they make a mistake, they have two advantages: the first is to strengthen the relationship between parents and children, and the second is to let children learn from experience.
Second: We have always stressed that we can be kind and firm, because we have unconditional love for our children, and you will accept whatever problems they have. They are all your children. If you really remind yourself of this, you will easily become gentle and firm, so unconditional love is the most important cornerstone of a family's success.
Third: In this way, have you found that we have finally reached a self-esteem system that can cultivate children's independence and integrity?
Let the children realize that everything is normal. When we have an independent and complete self-esteem system, we will choose how to solve these problems and have enough love for the people around us. Everyone can live a happier life.
Fourth: remember that you choose to deal with problems when you are calm, not when you are excited.
Many things come, we will have emotions first, which is human nature, but our biggest problem is to make decisions with emotions, not according to the things themselves, so the mother didn't make a sound, and the children actually knew the reason. Noisy accusations are even more time consuming!
It is natural for people to lose their temper in advance, but it is skill to deal with things first.
The reason why there will be emotional priority response is because there are already two systems working in our brain.
One is the thermal emotional system. Thermal emotional system mainly refers to the limbic system of the brain, which specifically responds to strong stimuli that can arouse emotions, and it will automatically trigger emotions such as pleasure, pain and panic.
The heating system has existed since we were born, so babies cry when they are hungry or in pain.
The thermal system is like Freud's "ID", and its response is automatic and unconscious, following the "pleasure principle".
The other system is the cold cognitive system. This system is located in the center of the prefrontal cortex of the brain. It is cognitive, complex and reflective, and plays an important role in future decision-making and control.
Compared with the natural load of the hot emotional system, the cold cognitive system develops very slowly, and it will become active in the first few years of children's primary school and will not fully develop until their twenties. Therefore, children are usually more prone to fever and emotion.
The relationship between hot emotional system and cold cognitive system is:
First, the hot emotional system reacts faster than the cold cognitive system, which is why we always give priority to emotions when we encounter things.
Second, the hot emotional system and the cold cognitive system are a trade-off. If one side is positive, the other side will be depressed. That is to say, although the hot emotional system starts faster, when we mobilize the cold cognitive system, the hot emotional system will naturally cool down and let the cold cognitive system deal with things first.
So you see, it is one thing for children to lose their temper and cry when they know that they have been wronged. However, if we can properly restrain the hot emotional system and call the cold cognitive system, it will help the parent-child relationship and work efficiency.
We must first be able to judge that our emotions have changed. After this awareness, we should consciously mobilize our cold cognitive system to remind ourselves that we can't think with emotions, let alone speak and act by venting emotions, and try to put aside emotions and turn to the track of rational thinking.
In other words, we should turn "negative thoughts" into "positive thoughts". Turn your attention from emotions to things and return to things themselves!
Going back to the thing itself is going back to the goal of the thing itself. Everything has a goal. No matter what others say, all our dialogues and actions are towards the goal. No matter how many things are mixed together, they can't stop the target's eyes.
Many times it's not bad to express emotions, but adults are getting more and more understanding. The result of letting emotions wander at will is that there is still a pile of mess to clean up after emotions. Therefore, it is more important to solve things first. When things are handled, the emotions caused by things will naturally disappear.
The best way to deal with emotions is not to sing KTV, not to talk to friends, but to deal with the matter itself!
Similarly, when children express their opinions to themselves, you should also distinguish whether children express emotions or things. If you are expressing your emotions, then you have to appease your child's emotions, but the most effective way to appease is to solve things, which is the correct logic.
Cultivate your own independent and complete self-esteem system, and don't be hurt so easily. As long as your children don't do what you want, you will be hurt, which is a manifestation of your lack of independent and complete self-esteem system.
Parents' behavior, attitude and lifestyle towards a child have the greatest influence on the child, so it is a responsible behavior to take care of their emotions.
Four criteria for judging the effectiveness of parenting methods are summarized, namely, parents' kind and firm attitude, parents' sense of belonging and value to children, parents' long-term and effective influence on children's parenting, and parents' parenting methods should be able to convey valuable social and life skills and good character to children.