What's more, love is not a static thing, and tolerance, understanding and patience in love will be worn away by time. Couples who itch for seven years have no feelings after divorce. No, just after their patience is exhausted, they are no longer willing to bear each other's emotions. They are not a little tired
You always think men are rude. It seems like the end of the world for men to break up, and men say it is impossible and really irreparable. That's because you always like to say goodbye. Once he says it, you will realize the seriousness of the problem.
It is absolute to say that men can't break up. The breakup that men say is just a long-planned breakup.
I don't know when it started, but he was a little disappointed in you.
Maybe when he lost the first quarrel, he silently sighed and said, only I can stand your bad temper. At that time, you felt very happy to have such a tolerant person. But he finds it a little difficult to have such a person who can't stand him.
Later, countless conflicts were defeated, and you didn't think he was really good to you until he made concessions and compromises. A person who can be so kind to you should never leave you.
But he feels that a person who always asks him to forbear and change may not love him enough, so he doesn't want to pay and may leave him at any time.
Boys are more rational. If he thinks he is not good enough, he will not veto it by one vote. He will give the other party another chance, and then set a bottom line for himself in his heart and tell himself: if she continues like this, I won't give it to her.
From the moment he is disappointed in you, he will indulge your excessive demands and tolerate your mistakes more. Every time you hit him, he keeps silent and accumulates again and again. Because he wants you to break through his tolerance, he wants to be firm when breaking up and leave no regrets.
In the first half of the relationship, women always seem to be vacillating, breaking up from time to time in exchange for what they want, while men seem to be much more determined, and he is forced to turn himself into a paying person. Hide your emotions, always apologize to you, make you happy, and digest his dissatisfaction. But in fact, he is already accumulating energy.
He broke up with you in his heart before breaking up.
When he says he doesn't love, he doesn't really love, but love becomes a weapon to wronged, wronged and hurt each other. Later, when I opened my mouth, I quarreled, and I couldn't communicate well at all. What are you doing at this time? You are comparing this man with the past, looking for all kinds of evidence that he has changed. You are forcing him to love you and pay for you as before, but he is feeling that his understanding, tolerance and patience are gradually disappearing until he reaches the bottom line set by him.
Everyone wants what he lacks in love, such as the lack of love from a family, the loneliness in the growing environment, the shadow from past experiences and so on. But why should the other party be willing to fill the vacancy for you?
I always say that love is an emotional exchange. Only if you give me enough acceptance and understanding will I repay you with the same understanding and patience. If someone says to you,' I won't love you anymore', he must think that you can't give him emotional value.
From your own point of view, what you really need to consider is not whether he can be redeemed, but whether you want to be redeemed. Are you willing to devote more time and energy to your intimate relationship than before? Are you willing to chase him like he chased you? Are you willing to change your problems and meet each other's needs?
How to save it Some people say that love is predestined. You can't love without love. It's no use trying. I don't agree. It is useful to work hard at any time. The people, things and things you want are not born in front of you to get what you want. Never set a limit for your negative self, telling yourself that this is not good, that is not good, that is not good. You think it's useless to work hard, because you didn't find the right direction or you didn't work hard at the right time.
Let me give you an example. Recently, a girl came to me, trying to save her ex-boyfriend. She used many methods to make it better, but she was always rejected and once wanted to give up.
The girl's ex-boyfriend also had a good relationship with her. They spent three years together and they often quarreled. When we broke up, the boy said,' We must have eight characters. Inappropriate is inappropriate. In less than a month, he officially announced his new girlfriend. That girl told me that it might be over. He likes other people.
style = " height:auto；" & gt After breaking up, the girl began to recover. Before she found me, she had used many methods, including breaking up, building a circle of friends, apologizing and admitting her mistakes. Later, when she learned that the other party had found a new lover, her mood was suddenly mobilized. She called the other party love rat and threatened to confront San Xiao if the other party didn't get back together.
After reading the girls' chat records, I can fully understand why girls say it is so difficult to recover. Her recovery often makes people feel uncomfortable. She works very hard to belittle herself, flatter each other, and sometimes attack each other to suppress each other. Her efforts are completely in the wrong direction.
In fact, saving a person and chasing a person has a * * *, which is to find out the needs of the other party and meet their needs. The difference is that in the recovery, we must first go through the contradiction of breaking up, and the later recovery can be smoothly promoted. Why is that girl trying so hard to make it right? She apologized to that boy many times, but it was useless to give up all the time, because she didn't give the other person what she wanted now, and she didn't experience the contradiction of breaking up.
For example, when he needs you to accept his decision, you don't. When he needs you to give him time to calm down, you pester him When he needs you to understand his distress, all you have to do is apologize. As a man, he certainly needs you to be around him, pestering him or apologizing to him, but not now, you know, now you need to find out what he needs.
What kind of psychology do most men have after breaking up? Force yourself to let go.
A buddy once told me that when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I didn't know what was going on because of inertia. I am particularly reluctant to part with her and will think of her again and again. But on second thought, I wouldn't be happy with her again, so I missed her again and didn't try to keep her. But I still can't let go. After all, I still hope to really untie the pimple.
You can see from the message this buddy sent me that this boy's heart is far from as heartless as it seems, and he is very entangled in his feelings, and he still hopes that the other party can understand the grievances in his feelings.
In fact, I have always thought that men's self-defense mechanism is to escape. He doesn't want to change a woman, but he wants to find a suitable woman directly, because it will make their lives less troublesome.
The girl thought that her ex-boyfriend had cheated by announcing her new love, but after having an affair with her friend, her ex-boyfriend just arranged a blind date at home and soon took a new girl in her hand. He is eager to send this girl to a circle of friends, just to let her know that giving up early will really save him a lot of trouble.
Many men are like this, and they can find the next one soon after breaking up. If he really cheated, he just entered a "rebound relationship." In fact, he has no so-called new love, and the other girl in this rebound relationship is your substitute after all. She is either very similar to you or a completely different type of girl from you. Why is he in such a hurry to find a girl to fall in love with?
Because the best way to treat the last emotional injury is time and new love. In this way, he wants to untie this knot for himself and get over this hurdle. Everyone hopes to have a new person to comfort themselves at this fragile time.
If you want to save it at this time, the problem you have to solve has nothing to do with this new love. It's superficial for you to say "I was wrong" to him, because you have no idea what's wrong with you. Just like the girl said, her ex-boyfriend thinks she is naive and thinks she just wants to save it.
My advice to girls is to explain to him the cause and effect of the point he can't let go, less emotional expression and more inner interpretation.
The key point for girls to be rigid about their ex-boyfriends is that girls accuse their ex-boyfriends of cheating for a long time, so this is the point to cut in.
It's no use just apologizing when helping the other person to ease their emotions. You should let him know why you misunderstood, why you apologized, and why you didn't control your emotions for a while. Such an apology is a heartfelt apology.
This kind of effort is really from the other side's point of view to see his current real needs. Don't give him anything you want. When he doesn't need you to be caring and attentive, it will become harassment
Even if the feelings warm up to a certain extent, they may not be able to get back together successfully with each other. What is the right time? At the end of last month, I made statistics with my team partners. 1-2 months after breaking up is the aftertaste period after breaking up, and 82% of couples can get back together during this time.
After breaking up, people usually go through five periods: escape, anger, aftertaste and depression, and finally gradually enter the acceptance period.
run away
I don't want to face the fact of breaking up, and I don't want to mention anything about my ex.
angry
Memories ruminate, think of past emotional trauma, feel angry with my ex, and think that the other party has hurt me.
aftertaste
The negative emotions are basically digested, and when I think of my predecessor's goodness, my heart anchor is touched and I think of some good memories of each other.
depressed
When they find that their feelings are gone forever, some people will be devastated, think that their feelings have failed, feel rejected and hit, their work and life will be greatly affected, and their mentality will be difficult to adjust and lose confidence for a while.
accept
I began to accept the facts, and my life gradually got on the right track. Sometimes it was very painful, but I was able to control and hide my emotions and gradually accepted it.
At the beginning, when the other party tried to escape and had a heavy negative emotion towards her, it was counterproductive to save it. Practice has proved that in the aftertaste period of boys, the compound rate is the highest, and in the depression period, it is the easiest to accept a new relationship. Most people have the best aftertaste 1-2 months after breaking up, but it also varies from person to person.
How to judge whether the other party has begun to aftertaste? Some suggestions:
1. Feedback through communication with the other party, such as whether to contact you actively, the frequency of contact, and the legitimacy of the contact reason.
2. Observe from a third-party perspective, such as feedback from friends in the company.
3. Through some hidden performances of the other party, such as giving your social software a compliment.
4. release the demand appropriately and observe the reaction of the other party, such as whether the invitation can be opened.
Or take a girl's ex-boyfriend as an example.
More than a month after the breakup, the girl still insisted on building a circle of friends, but her predecessor never praised her, but the girl accidentally logged into QQ space and found a lot of browsing footprints of the other party. At that time, I told her that he couldn't help raping his ex's social software frequently, which was a sign of the beginning of aftertaste.
When he constantly brushes the dynamics of his predecessor or frequently looks at previous photos, his brain helps him to recall and strengthen his memory over and over again, and his yearning for his predecessor reaches a peak. At this time, he has the strongest sense of demand for his predecessor.
In fact, the girl didn't make a big breakthrough in the early stage. The other party has been tepid, and even went to blind date with others to paralyze themselves, but after discovering this detail, it made rapid progress.
Dating is very efficient in the aftertaste period. I gave your girl an outline of face-to-face communication in advance. There are two key points.
First, reverse deep communication.
The so-called reverse communication is a way of communication dominated by the other party's way of thinking. In itself, your direct output may give the other party a sense of oppression, but at this point, emotional contradictions will definitely be talked about. If you can't avoid it, you can start with "I can understand your feelings, if I were you …" and make a rational description for the other party actively, so as to guide the other party to communicate deeply.
It can be said that:
I can understand how you feel. If I were you, I would be more angry in the face of that situation at that time. You know my temper, I can't be better than you. You are not selfish, you left all the good things behind, and you suffered the bad mood I gave you. You thought I didn't understand you then, didn't you?
Second, actively encourage self-reporting.
Make a positive self-description to show that your mind has changed. You can say to each other like this:
My parents were very busy at work since I was a child, so I didn't care much about what I was thinking. After meeting you, you really gave me a lot of warmth. It is said that falling in love makes people grow up. I think you have taught me a lot. I learned a lot from you. I was naive before. I don't know how to be nice to you. Do you think I've made progress these days? I think I'm starting to care what other people think.
Later the girl told me that the atmosphere was really harmonious that day. The other party not only said a lot of heartfelt words, but also confessed the recent emotional situation, saying that "the girls on blind date feel wrong, not as good as you." Have I been cheated by you? "
In fact, this idea of ex-boyfriend is partly because of his blind date. Finding a new lover after breaking up is bound to constantly compare the new lover with his predecessor. It's almost impossible to pay for a new lover in the blind date market soon. At this time, the persistence of girls can greatly satisfy him, making him feel that he will not meet such a loving person in the future, and then he will have a compound mind.
Therefore, it is too one-sided to say that a man's breakup is irreparable. Many boys will regret breaking up. You think he's hopeless because you know he's been wronged more, and you think he's completely chilling.
But you should also know that at first you thought he wouldn't break up, and now you think he can't get it back. Do you use your subjective consciousness to judge whether the other person's ideas are unfair?
When you think he won't leave you, you will be more at ease to squeeze him; Now you think he is irreparable, and you want to leave each other with peace of mind?
I feel that I owe each other sooner or later. The other person's heart knot can only be untied by the person who is tied. I never feel that feelings should follow fate. Those who say "let bygones be bygones" are actually cowards who dare not face setbacks. Whether he is love rat or not, whether he has forgotten you, and whether he can save it, you have to verify it yourself. Time can't help you, and neither can a new love. Only you can help each other. Redemption is an attempt to redeem each other. Whether it is successful or not, it can at least help you resolve your grievances and move on. Stop giving up on yourself and be brave.
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.