How many painful nights, tossing and turning until dawn;
How many times I vented my heart, I was breathless with pain;
How many times have I endured and conceded, tortured myself and become insensitive;
How many times helplessness and despair, like endless darkness devouring themselves;
At this time, the pain will become many kinds of sounds, playing in our brains:
"I'm miserable. My husband doesn't love me. He is in love with another woman. I'm miserable ... "
"That bitch seduce my husband, I want to hit her and ruin her ..."
"The world is not worth it. Even the people closest to you will betray themselves. What's the point of living? "
"How could he do this to me? Is he still human? Men don't have a good thing ... "
In the face of these pains, we resist and flee. We are eager for light and change, because we can't face the bleak life directly.
So in the face of her husband's infidelity, some women take confrontation, quarrel with her husband and vent with San Xiao;
Some women choose to forbear, turn a blind eye, suppress their inner pain and pretend that nothing happened;
Some women choose to escape, bid farewell to the broken marriage, and do not take remedial measures, but fall into emotional setbacks again and again.
Some women choose to face it, repair their marriage, take the crisis as an opportunity, let their husbands return to their side, and their feelings become more stable.
No matter what your choice is, in the face of her husband's infidelity, the first thing to do is to turn your attention back to yourself and "love yourself" first (how to love yourself, see "Have you really learned to love yourself?" In fact, 99% people don't know how to love themselves! Article).
Why "love yourself" first? Because you know that after your husband cheated, you are angry, wronged, helpless, helpless, isolated and even desperate. These emotional reactions are the source of your pain, but they are not the root cause.
The root of the pain is that we can't face our own pain directly, so we take the way of extinction, resistance and avoidance, but it bounces back from the pain, which is even more painful. It's like, the more we want to forget an unhappy thing, the clearer we remember it. We reject pain because we subconsciously think it is bad, so we should eliminate it.
In fact, in this binary world, there is no such thing as "good or bad" (for a detailed analysis, see "The terrible thing is that you have become an" dissatisfied wife "unconsciously! (Part II)), only from the overall point of view, can we not fall into extremes and reduce the pain. Pain can't be eliminated, just as we can't eliminate the night, but light will always come. When we realize our pain, this is the beginning of light. Then, in the face of her husband's derailment, how to get out of the pain?
First, thinking like this can reduce the pain by half.
When we are in deep pain, it is easy to think that our pain is unique in the world, and no one is more painful than you. But in fact, people worse than you are everywhere.
Only some people languish in pain, and some people live a glorious life in pain: musician-Beethoven, scientist-Hawking, writer-Shi Tiesheng, literati politician-Su Shi and so on. Some of them are disabled, some live miserable lives, and some have been wandering all their lives, but they have not succumbed to fate, but lived their own lives. In fact, each of us is carrying a heavy load. Don't look at those people with bright surfaces and elegant manners. They don't have to suffer like you, but we are easily confused and deceived by appearances.
Of course, this does not mean that you suffer less, so your pain should not be produced or insignificant, but we should know that pain does not mean fate, others can be reborn from it, and so can we!
Second, if you understand it, the power of pain will be weakened.
Knowing pain is actually knowing yourself. Kurt Paikert, an American psychologist, called the road to know oneself "the road that few people take". However, this road that few people take can lead you to the light. Knowing pain is actually knowing our own potential shadows, anger, weakness, sadness, loneliness and so on, which have been suppressed for a long time.
American psychologist frank cardelle mentioned:
We try to forget what we have suffered, but the more we forget, the more we lose, and the less perfect we are as a human being. Shadow is a part of us. Our talents sleep in the shadows. When we find it and accept it, our life will wake up and we will move from the shadow to the light. Just like China's theory of Yin and Yang, there are two poles of Yin and Yang. Our life must be a shadow on the one hand and a light on the other. Moreover, the cathode is positive, the anode is negative, and the opposites of Yin and Yang are unified. Therefore, when we understand that pain is an indispensable part of life, we no longer label it "pain" and see that it does not exclude it. So what will happen? I believe that the power of pain will gradually weaken.
Third, let go and turn pain into relief.
The German philosopher Eckhardt Thor's book The Power of the Present mentions that the present pain is a kind of resistance to the status quo, that is, an unconscious resistance to some natural form. From the perspective of thinking, this resistance exists in the form of criticism; From the emotional level, it appears in the form of negative emotions. Pain depends on your resistance to the present and your thinking. When the pain has happened, we will resist the status quo more violently. With the fluctuation of mood, the pain will be more intense. At this time, there is only one way to go, and that is to be integrated with pain.
Why do you want to be integrated with pain?
Because the pain itself is actually just a signal, just telling us that the problem has happened and should be changed. If you just try to reduce the pain and avoid it, you are avoiding the problem itself, which is not conducive to the growth of the soul. So don't imagine that you can get out of the pain with the help of external objects (distractions and other behaviors), because it is short-lived, the pain is still lurking there, and the problem of creating pain still exists.
Only when we dare to face the painful feeling, embrace it, let it go, stop clinging to the pain, and then turn the pain into relief, can we take positive and effective solutions. Seeing pain is the beginning of dissolving pain; Embracing pain is the only way to be yourself. May all your sufferings be worth it; May you not succumb to fate and grow into what you want!
More emotional repair, real case analysis of marriage recovery, in the face of how to deal with gender problems in Xiaosan, you can consult Yuan Dun's emotional experts and make a marriage diagnosis for you. Counseling is free and plays a great role in solving marriage problems. Take action, don't sit still.