My colleague Xiao Li told me about her girlfriend, who is very beautiful, but very cold, unattainable and keeps people away.
He drank too much at a colleague's party, and everyone stopped to ask Xiao Li if he dared to chase after him. Why is ice and snow beautiful? As soon as he tried to be brave, he patted his chest and agreed.
Inviting, sending flowers, sending wechat, all kinds of tricks have been tried, but there is no response.
When Xiao He wanted to give up, He Qingqing told him bluntly that he agreed to associate with Xiao He, but he had to ensure that he only loved her and could not be ungrateful.
Xiao Li naturally agreed, won the first battle, won the beauty heart, and was happy for a while.
After three months of excitement, it will be miserable.
He Qingqing doesn't allow Xiao Li to talk to any girl, make phone calls or send messages. The address book can only store the phone numbers of his mother and sister, and his cousin's can't either.
Say a few words to the cleaning elder sister of the unit. He was angry when he saw it. He threatened Xiao Li to break up at every turn, accusing Xiao Li of being insincere and unfaithful to her, and suspecting that she was not the only one.
Xiao Li is timid at work, and the communication with colleagues has become awkward and unnatural.
Slowly, colleagues began to comb him out.
I asked Xiao Li about He's family and learned that when he was a child, his parents divorced and lived with his father and stepmother. His father is busy with business, so he doesn't have time to take care of her at ordinary times, and his stepmother gave birth to a son, so he takes care of his son.
Lack of parental care since childhood.
I am engaged in vocational training. Every new employee comes in, I will investigate the employee's family situation as employee motivation training materials.
For example, Xiao He is a typical lack of love when he was a child. They have five obvious characteristics to pay attention to.
Lack of security.
We need a more clear and firm interaction, or retreat from the side of cadres' fragile contact, but once we start, we hope to firmly grasp it.
Lack of ability and skills to express love.
They often express their feelings simply, directly and stiffly. Love or not, there is no ambiguity and gray area.
Most of them are introverted, withdrawn and self-conscious.
Sensitive to things, easy to be emotional, and a free look; An unintentional joke; With an unintentional action, they can fabricate the whole plot of betrayal.
Behavior often swings at two extremes.
Very quiet or irritable, aggressive to people around you and yourself. Throw things, say extreme words, and dare to jump off a building and cut your wrists.
The possessiveness, demands and dedication to intimate partners are thorough.
They were trapped in an ice cave, but they longed for fire.
When I was a child, I longed to be satisfied when I grew up, but I was afraid of losing the endless hell of playing back to my childhood.
For those who lack love since childhood, we should be more patient, take a clear-cut stand and warm them with enthusiasm and sincerity. If we are tit for tat, it will be counterproductive and the consequences will be unimaginable.
A real case, share with you what it was like to be loveless as a child and how to cure yourself.
The story of Linlin.
Because I have always been a timid person, I dare not reveal my heart frankly. Although seemingly careless, he is actually an out-and-out "autistic person"! . When I was a child, my parents separated for a long time. Sometimes, I go to my house during my period, and sometimes I go to my uncle's house. I have suffered from "dependence on others" since I was a child. I strive to be independent and want to be independent in this world! I have lived up to my expectations. I was admitted to the medical major of a key university and became a surgeon.
But my heart knows that in many, many late nights, something devoured my heart, making me feel empty and cold, and tears unconsciously stayed. I have a boyfriend who has a good personality and is very accommodating to me, but I often can't help but "doubt" whether he loves me or not. The whole person is very sensitive Where he goes to play, he doesn't report peace, or WeChat doesn't return for a long time, and I sometimes feel sad to tears! But the whole person is very nervous, and sometimes this self-criticism of "doubt" and "doubt" makes me very uneasy. And sometimes I feel that I am constantly asking him to take care of me and spoil me, like a black hole! I'm afraid of losing him like this!
What I want to say to Linlin is
1. Hey, girl who is busy with self-criticism, I see your light.
Hello, Linlin. Thank you for your trust. Although you have been "self-criticizing", I still see your bright spot.
You have the power to fight against your "self-awareness". When you have emotional problems, don't just repeat the original pattern, but realize that this may be your own problem, which has something to do with your family background, and then ask me for help. "Self-awareness" is light and can be seen even under a freezing cave. I see your "light", I hope you can see it, appreciate it and promote it. Follow the light and you will find the exit.
Second, why do I always feel lack of love?
Only by having both "unconditional love" and "conditional love" can we develop the mature ability of self-love and love.
"unconditional love" = I love you no matter what you do.
Conditional love = If you ..., then I love you.
"Unconditional love" means: "I love you because you are you, that's all. Even if you are fragile and can't live independently, even if you only know how to take and won't pay, you are my child. I love you unconditionally, tolerate you unconditionally and accept you unconditionally. "
Children who have never accepted this "unconditional love" will have a big hole in their hearts: I was born unworthy of love. If I am not sensible, cute and outstanding, then no one will love me. Some of them will strive for wealth, status, rights and reputation to "win" the love of others. The more they get, the more afraid they are of "depravity", because they don't believe that if they take off their delicate makeup or handsome suits, someone will love them because of who they are.
"Conditional love" means: "I love you because you meet my standards. If you develop yourself, become mature and meet my expectations, then I will love you. "
"Unconditional love" cannot be lost, but its dark side cannot be won. And conditional love depends on your own struggle. It teaches children to be responsible for their actions. If you make a mistake, you must bear the consequences; Well done, you can win recognition. People who have never tasted "conditional love" believe that love can only come from the outside world and can only be obtained through the efforts of others. They have not established the spirit of "fighting for love".
Linlin, from your description, I feel that you are suffering from "unconditional love". Although you have practiced the ability to win "conditional love", you have been admitted to a key medical major by your own diligence and become a professional doctor. But you have a scared and eager child in your heart. What is she talking about? Is she saying that she is afraid that she will be abandoned if she goes bad, or is she longing for a hug that can tolerate her indefinitely?
It is your "fear and desire" that affects your relationship with your lover. So you are like a combat radar, constantly "detecting" evidence that he may not love you. The speed at which he replies to your WeChat, the tone of his voice to you, the way he looks at you, all of which can imply the sign of "he doesn't love you", and all of this may come from you not believing that someone will love you.
At the same time, your "self-criticism" and "self-doubt" will deepen your inner entanglement. When his tone is cold, on the one hand, you doubt whether he doesn't love you, on the other hand, you doubt whether you think too much, and on the other hand, you criticize why you don't behave well in intimate relationships. This situation must be difficult for you!
Third, the trilogy of growth
So, how to get rid of the curse of "lack of love"? The road to self-growth is very long, and we still need to search up and down. We often go through the following trilogy:
The first step: identification-from repression to expression.
Congratulations, you have taken the first step. Our pain stems not only from the pain itself, but also from the pain that no one sees, accompanies and supports. On the island of self, pain has become highly toxic, eroding people's hearts. Expression is the beginning of being seen. Once the pain is shared, it is no longer a roaring mad dog. Linlin, your inner trauma and self-isolation are hand in hand, which aggravates your pain. Try to further reveal your vulnerability in front of yourself and trustworthy people, and hug the shivering child inside.
Part II: Understanding-From Distortion to Acceptance
You need to adjust your thinking mode. In the past, your cognition may be: what is missing is what is missing. I lack love, so I must hold on to someone to love me. What you really lack is not love. But when you are suffering from "being unloved", you don't have a spiritual embrace to accommodate crying children. So what you need is actually a "healing space", which is safe and you can re-explore the connection in intimate relationships. What you haven't experienced and cultivated from your parents can be explored in a new intimate relationship. For you, the course may be "feeling your unconditional value".
The third part: integration-growing a new self in internalization.
When we learn to accept, understand and appease our inner selves through safe intimacy, and then look back at the obstacles that we once "couldn't get through", you may be surprised to find that those obstacles are slowly melting away. And the potential hatred and guilt for parents are no longer in my heart. Therefore, we no longer repeat the script of childhood and stop the "reincarnation" of trauma.
Fourth, the road to cure needs a heater.
We have two possible treatments. One is cured in love, and the other is cured in psychological counseling.
More people unconsciously choose the former. Two people "upgrade and blame" together in their feelings, "heal" each other and be the healers of each other. Realize integration in love. But the risk is that if you or the other person is a "pig teammate", it may be "worse". Another option is psychological counseling. The advantage is that if you find a reliable counselor, you will find a reliable crutch on your way forward. But the counselor only exists in that "healing space". You need to use the power gained in the space to develop a new self outside the clinic. Linlin, in your description, your lover is "enthusiastic and positive". You can carefully try to show him your true self and try to establish a safe, relaxed and stable relationship with him, which is very important for your cure. But if you find that he can't accept it, you'd better ask for help from a professional.
A person who lacks love in his heart, even if he wins the admiration of the whole world, his world is still like a vast wilderness. And people with love in their hearts can shine even if they drift to an isolated island, and they can shine with the stars in the sky, the fish in the sea and the distant islands. Bless you.
The lack of love in childhood is mainly due to the lack of love from parents. Father and daughter failed to take care of children's emotions, needs, growth and many other aspects in childhood, resulting in some performances of children in adulthood that are not particularly healthy.
1. Domestic violence: The scene of domestic violence led by the father is fierce, the process is very painful and the result is very serious. Children are the most vulnerable position in the process of violence and have no ability to protect themselves. Over time, the child developed an inferiority complex, and the inner window was closed.
2. Lack of money: Lack of money will breed morbid psychology such as greed and meanness, which is manifested as haggling over every ounce or spending money like water.
3. Insecurity: Insecurity in childhood is the most likely to affect this person's personality, and this personality will affect others, a vicious circle.
4. Lack of family atmosphere: it will bring a weak sense of responsibility, psychological desolation and psychological homelessness.
5. Lack of emotional intelligence: Emotional intelligence has a vital impact on people, and parents are well-deserved as the first teachers of emotional intelligence.
People are emotional animals and will respond according to other people's attitudes, languages and behaviors. So no matter what they lack when they are young, they will behave accordingly when they grow up. Everyone needs different love. The love provided is not the love they need, but also the lack of love. Excessive love is the lack of love on the other hand.
People who lack love in childhood will grow up to be suspicious, introverted and sensitive to inferiority. Full of complaints about life, I always feel that there is no sincerity between people, and I have a strong purpose in doing things, and I always want to calculate others.
My cousin's ex-boyfriend is such a person. When he is in love, he goes home for dinner and scolds his parents in front of his elders. Accuse parents of being eccentric since childhood, saying that father doesn't love and love his mother. In fact, I don't know why until I understand it. When I was a child, my family was poor and my parents made him wear it. My brother and sister used clothes. Because he doesn't like to talk, his family rarely communicates with him. As a result, he likes to make subjective assumptions about everything and doesn't listen to other people's opinions.
When two people are in love, he only needs to tie his cousin to his side to feel safe. He inspected the post at any time, and when he couldn't find his cousin, he called everyone around him. We are bored to death. Be careful when chatting with him, because our speaker is unintentional and his listener is intentional. Sometimes playing jokes on each other makes him feel despised. I will argue with my cousin afterwards.
Usually talking about work, I have never heard him say that the company benefits well. Always complaining about the boss's partiality and colleagues' calculation, saying that only he has good ability, but he is not reused. Don't contact relatives and friends at ordinary times, and let others help you at all costs when something happens. After getting along for a long time, my cousin felt broken. I struggled to break up. Getting along with people who lack love requires more patience.
I am now in middle age, and every time I think of my mother, it is not full of love, but deep hatred. My maternal love, not only when I was a child, but also when I grew up, is also lacking now.
The concept of son preference is deeply rooted in my mother. The victim is me.
Now I have a serious sense of inferiority. I always feel that what I do should not have my own share. If I do, I will feel incredible.
Bad temper. This is a lot like my mother. I hate myself the most, because I was severely tortured by this trait since I was a child, and now I have grown into a mother unconsciously. How much I hate my mother, how much I hate myself!
The victim is psychologically serious. Because of the lack of love and security since childhood. I always feel that others are hostile to me. Everything comes to the dark side first. This is extremely bad. I have realized that I am trying to adjust myself, but there will always be such an impact.
Not considerate. It's not that I don't want to, but that I can't do it. Sometimes I feel stupid, I can't talk, I can't see things and I can't attract people. This should be the reason why I have not been praised and affirmed since I was a child. No matter what I do, my mother always criticizes me with a cold face or hits me. Now all I remember is that she dragged me into the dark room, but I don't remember what I did wrong!
So I love my children with my heart, arm myself with knowledge, let myself accept what my mother did to me in theory, and then try to make myself feel better emotionally.
People who lack love from childhood will really affect their lives. So from now on, talk to the children gently. Let her feel your love, not your temper.
I hesitated to see this question.
Should I dissect myself for everyone to see?
I was born in a rural family that prefers boys to girls. In my impression, the only person in my family who never dislikes me as a lady should be my father.
It's just that dad works outside all the year round and can't see him all the year round. So my father and I are not very close.
Grandma and mom loved my brother since childhood. The delicious thing at home is to look after my brother first. Besides, everything I eat is leftover from my brother.
My brother has new clothes every year, and there will be lucky money for the New Year, but I don't have any. It was not until I went to college to work part-time and got paid that I got my first new dress!
Combined with my own situation, people who lack love since childhood will have the following characteristics:
I remember once the school organized a spring outing, but everyone had to pay two yuan for the fare and food. When my brother and I went home to mention this to my mother, my mother readily gave my brother two dollars. And when it was my turn, my mother said I didn't have to go alone.
I clamored to go, and then I was slapped and criticized. Since then, I have learned to control my own needs.
Even if I want one more thing, I won't ask my family for it. Even sometimes when adults ask me if I want anything, I will habitually answer no.
Even if I have a job and a family now, I will still be so restrained.
Because I have never received any encouragement and affirmation since I was a child, people who lack love are relatively fragile and inferior at heart.
It's just that some people are not obvious, and that's what I am.
I will be afraid to take over the task assigned by the leader, for fear that I can't do it well. Even if I know the answer to a question, I will doubt whether the answer I know is wrong, and I will remember the answer wrong, so I have made great breakthroughs in my work and life.
Maybe it's because I feel that even my parents are so good to me, how can others be good to themselves?
So subconsciously don't trust anyone.
So I won't get too close to others and I won't talk to them. Even for your lover, you will have reservations!
I have known since I was a child that I am not lovable at home, so I pay attention to it everywhere for fear of causing my family to be angry with me.
So that every move they make, I wonder if they have other meanings, and if I did something wrong to make them angry.
When I was a child, my grandmother said more than once that she wanted to dump me more than once when she knew that my mother was pregnant with a girl.
Later, after I was born, I wanted to send me out. After hearing this, I was particularly afraid that they would throw me out if they didn't want me one day.
I have been insecure since I was a child, until now!
The above points are my answers based on my own actual situation!
My parents divorced when I was eight months old. I never met my mother, and then I grew up with my grandmother. Later, when I was a teenager, my father left.
Most of my girlfriends are single-parent families, but I'm not even a single-parent family. I have lived in my aunt's house and uncle's house since I was a child.
I will be especially envious when I see their children. Although I have never been abused, there is no dog blood plot, but seeing the love of the three of them, I will still be particularly envious.
When I grew up, my father left. I got depressed and was sent to a health center. My family thinks I am crazy. Want to send me to an orphanage, my father's property and so on until I am healthy.
I know myself. That's my character.
Not brave and self-confident, please-seeking, paranoid and strong, withdrawn, extremely extreme, sensitive and irritable, a little dark.
First of all, I will consider the worst result in everything I do. I am afraid of failure. I don't think I can. I can't afford to lose, but I have many ideas. So I am indecisive, cautious and strong, tangled and melodramatic.
When I was a child, I especially liked to please others, and I liked to give gifts to please others and get my own likes. I can buy someone a birthday present without eating. Later, my first love was that I thought it was my blessing to like me. I want to be very, very kind to others, but I'm afraid of being abandoned. Now that I am grown up, I am better. I understand that feelings are attractive to get along with, and * * * manages a relationship, whether it is friendship or love.
Think too much, sometimes cry when nothing happens, think about all kinds of things, and make up all kinds of things. Because I think I won't get it, I will refuse many things, I won't work hard at all, and tell myself that I am ordinary and valuable, and I am living in mediocrity.
I think life is plain. I like it if I like it. If you don't like it, you don't like it. I don't need ordinary friends. I just want good friends. But feelings are step by step. No one will love you at once.
How sensitive is it? If the door is closed loudly, I feel that I am hated, because I can make up a TV series with an unintentional look.
It's a little dark because I always think the worst, but I think I'm a kind person.
This is probably my character. Some are better now, but there are still many.
I hope every couple in the world will seriously consider it before giving birth to a child. Besides, childhood is very important, and it is a process of character formation.
This topic is very heavy, because I am the kind of person who lacks love. I have a deep understanding. Here are some features that I can identify:
Social phobia
Yes, it can also be said that it is a social defect. When I was a child, because my parents worked outside all the year round, the children at school often bullied me and made me quiet. When I grow up and enter the society, I find communication a headache. I don't know how to make others accept me. I don't know how to make others feel comfortable with me. I don't know how to make others happy. Slowly, I will not change to escape, and finally fear.
Too sensitive.
You can also say that you are not confident in yourself. I want to guess every look of others for a long time, which is more deadly to every action of others, and then I enter a state of self-loss. I care too much about other people's opinions, because I am afraid of getting negative comments from others, so I am cautious everywhere. Every sentence will be thought for a long time, especially in front of the leaders, and at the same time. Then I began to wonder in my mind-did I say something wrong/make others unhappy/make others think what I am ... what do I care about? Care about other people's feelings, care about other people's feelings for me. So, in fact, I am really tired.
Can't fall in love
People who lack love are extremely insecure, suspicious and difficult to get along with each other. Often a fast-food relationship, break up soon.
I like being alone more than anything else.
I won't elaborate on this point.
Strong self-esteem
Whenever I quarrel with my friend, it is my friend who apologizes and lowers his posture (especially thanks to his tolerance)
The appearance is indifferent and inaccessible, and the heart is lonely and sensitive, obsessed with the feeling of being praised and sought after.
I used to regard this as vanity, and I was annoyed, but it didn't seem to be. In fact, I have been looking forward to having something with a man, but I know very well that I can't really have something with a man. I am always immersed in the same addictive fantasy, and all kinds of Marisol events happen to me. In my fantasy, everything I want is realized and realized according to my thinking. Ironically, things always run counter to my fantasy (I don't know why).
Temperament is changeable. I am a girl, and I don't like coquetry.
For all kinds of examples, I have asked myself why, why, why I can't communicate, why I am so arrogant. Seeing this question and related answers, I know the answer. I forgive myself, forgive myself for being unsociable, and forgive myself for all kinds of things, because I lack the most precious thing that a person deserves-love.
Share a case of a child I once taught!
Shanshan, five years old, likes painting and is silent.
When I first met Shanshan, it was sent by her family's water delivery man. The worker said, I'll give you the baby first. I have to go. There are still many things to do. Her uncle will pick her up later. This child loves painting!
Shanshan lowered her head and didn't dare to look me in the eye. I squatted down and asked her name. I didn't hear Shanshan's answer, but I smelled smoke in her hair. It was choking! I asked him where his children got such a strong smell of smoke. He said that children stay in their water supply station every day, and people smoke everywhere, so they smoke every day. Her parents are too busy to take her, so she paints and paints every day and doesn't like to talk.
I took her little hand and asked her, tell the teacher, are there any pictures you like on the wall? She looked up and looked around, then nodded. I said, go, take the teacher to find what you like. Every painting has a story. Let the teacher tell you! Shanshan communicated with me slowly, with innocent eyes and a slightly hoarse voice. During the period, I felt that the word "distressed" could not be expressed, and my heart was uncomfortable.
What shocked me most was that Shanshan's paintings were always large areas of black and gray, with no color at all. In her paintings, I seem to see her depressed living environment and dusty air. In the past month, I haven't seen her home once. Every time, different water couriers send the children. I finally can't stand their indifference and contempt for children. I called the child's mother and told her that if she continued to learn painting from me.
After meeting Shanshan's mother, it was really similar to what I guessed. Shanshan's parents are only interested in doing business and completely ignore the care of their children. Because Shanshan's inner needs have not been fed back for a long time, and she has not realized how to love and be loved, she has been numb since she was a child. I can't imagine what irreversible harm this will do to her child's life! I accused Shanshan's mother and told her that second-hand smoke is fatal to children! She didn't object, but after a week, Shanshan came to class and still smelled of smoke. I called her mother again and questioned her. The next time is occasionally.
The most important feeling in childhood is to love and be loved, but after more than a year, Shanshan is still so passive, lazy and indifferent to people and things around her. I try my best to make her feel that the teacher loves her four times a week. After so many years, her little figure is always lingering in front of my eyes. I hope those negative and indifferent years do not exist!
I am a girl. When I was a child, my father married a new lover because his mother died. My mother really doesn't like me very much, so I live with my grandmother. My grandmother is 80 years old and unable to support me. She was assigned to my uncle's house. Although my uncle menstruation raised me, they didn't have deep feelings for me. Being raised as a relative since childhood has left me deeply lacking in maternal love and fatherly love. I never like to talk, for fear of saying something wrong and being kicked out of the house. Grown up, married now, and the first boyfriend. Because I lacked love as a child and lived in a relative's house for a long time, I didn't refuse his pursuit and married him soon. After getting married, I don't think I like him at all. My current husband, because he didn't have a home when he was a child, now has a home and lives with people he doesn't like. I don't want to lose it because I don't like him. Now, when I was a child, I didn't have love. When I grow up, I will get used to life without love. Because the personal living environment is different, the thoughts will be different when you grow up.