0 1 Pull out the deepest thorn in your heart.
Although the man returned to his family after cheating, it can't change the fact that he cheated, which is deeply rooted in his wife's heart like a thorn.
I asked my sisters, what do you think is the biggest harm to you after a man cheated?
A counselor said, the last thing I can accept is that he cheated on me when I was pregnant. I risked my life to have a baby for him, but he was happy with other women.
Another consultant said that the most unbearable thing for me was that he took my mistress home for the night when I was on a business trip.
Another counselor said that she used to be very kind and obedient to me, but now she beats me for her because she has a mistress.
I don't want to untie everyone's scars. I just want you to pull out the deepest thorn in your heart If you don't pull it out, your life will be very painful in the future.
I have received such a consultant. She was loveless since she was a child, so she kept her mouth shut to her husband after marriage. As a result, her husband cheated. Although her husband returned to the family, she still couldn't let go of her doubts about her husband, and both of them had a hard time.
02 consulting case sharing
Let's take a look at this case. I hope the sisters can get some inspiration through this case and help everyone!
First, Wan Juan's emotional self-report (with my consent, as a teaching case):
I am 32 years old and my husband is 35 years old. We have known each other for 10 years. We have been married for six years. I work in a bank and my husband is an engineer. Our life is ok.
I grew up in a single-parent family. My parents divorced when I was a child. Later, I lived with my mother. I envy others to have a complete home since I was a child, so I am particularly eager to have a warm home.
When my husband and I got married, the small family I had been longing for was finally established. He is very kind to me, but I have been worried that our relationship will be unstable and he will leave me like a father.
So after I got married, I kept a close eye on him. He didn't reply to my message, so I called him at once. He came back late, so I couldn't help quarreling with him.
In retrospect, I did score too many points, pushed him too hard and didn't give him any privacy.
03 can't accept betrayal
One day, when I was washing clothes, I found two movie tickets in my husband's pocket. I asked him who he went with, and he told his colleagues that he didn't even look at me when he spoke, so I knew he was lying.
I secretly rummaged through his cell phone at night. It turned out that he cheated on me a few months ago. Her husband called her a baby, often gave her gifts and went to check in together.
My legs were weak and I collapsed to the ground. I feel my brain buzzing. I can't believe it's true. My lover cheated me.
I don't want to lose him, and I don't want our children to lose their father's love like me, so I told him that I would forgive him as long as I broke up with that woman, and he agreed.
But in the following period of time, I became more anxious than before. I can't help asking him the details of the affair, and asking him where that woman is better than me. This mode of getting along makes us both very tired.
I'm really in pain. I don't know how to treat this relationship. I really want to save this marriage, but I can't control my doubts. How can I get out of this pain?
Wounds need time to heal.
Second, the problem analysis:
1. Since Wan Juan lived in a single-parent family since childhood, she could not bear the pain of divorce, so she always wanted a warm and complete home.
After marriage, although she set up her own small family, she was too restrained to ask her husband blindly, which made her husband unable to give her the sense of security she wanted and some of his own needs could not be met, so she chose to cheat.
What my husband and Wan Juan haven't done for a long time happened to Xiao San.
For example, the husband calls the baby to Xiaosan, gives gifts to each other, and often opens a room. However, these things have been around her mind and engraved in her heart.
Wan Juan found out that her husband was cheating, which undoubtedly hit her hard.
Her husband's cheating behavior reminded her of her parents' divorce. However, she has been living a bad life without her father's love, and Wan Juan doesn't want her children to lose their father, too.
Although she forgave her husband and hoped that he would return to the family, she could never get rid of the "thorn" in her heart and repeatedly opened the scar, which made both sides unhappy.
Psychological analysis of the cheating party
Third, the solution
1, psychological analysis of men after cheating.
His idea is that he has abandoned the third party and chose to go home. It's over. He wants to turn the page and start over. Then you'd better praise his decision and welcome him home with joy as if nothing had happened. He just wants to live a quiet life.
His feeling is that he owes his mistress a debt. After all, he abandoned chaos and felt guilty about his wife. After all, he betrayed his wife.
Generally speaking, since he returned to his wife in action, he has been very kind to her, because men value practical actions.
So what does he need most at present?
In fact, his deepest need is to be welcomed, accepted and cherished, just like a little boy who has done something wrong coming home, hoping that his mother can fully accept him, forgive him and tell him gently, how can people not make mistakes? Don't do it next time. I believe you.
What he is most afraid of is that his wife always brings up the past and makes him feel that he has to bear this cross all his life and live in shame.
Psychological analysis of the cheating party
2, the wife's psychological analysis
When the extramarital affair is not over, in order to defend their marriage and family, women will show unprecedented courage and wisdom like hens protecting chickens, and plan and fight with their husbands who stand by and watch.
At that time, husband and wife really belonged to Qi Li and Qi Xin. Now that the war is over and the husband has gone home, the wife can relax a little.
However, the wife's complex emotions caused by her husband's betrayal began to appear again, and the wife needed a process of venting and healing and reconfirming the relationship.
My wife's thoughts will be like this: First, I forgive what you did wrong, and you should be nice to me in the future;
Second, you're back. Is your heart really back? Are you still thinking about her?
Third, do you really come back because you love me? Or for the children's parents and your career and face.
Fourth, how can I trust you again? I trusted you before, but what should I do to you in the future?
Build trust and security.
Fifth, why should I accept this matter? I really look down on myself.
Sixth, is it really him that I know? How could he do such a thing?
At this time, the wife felt a sense of loss of trust and insecurity, and self-doubt, anger, injustice, sadness and fear occupied her whole heart. If the wife is a perfectionist and thinks everything is fine, it is hard to accept that her marriage is no longer perfect.
So what is the wife's need at the moment? At this time, the deepest need is to be loved, affirmed and cherished, and feel that I am a good person and a valuable person.
She is like a little girl who was abandoned by her mother. Now she needs to make sure that her mother will never leave her again. She also needs to make sure that she has not abandoned her because she is not good.
3. How to cure?
First, take an oath to build trust and security.
You can make vows to each other. The husband said, I have made a choice. You are the most important person in my life and I will never leave you. At this moment, my wife should say that I made a choice. No matter what happened in the past, you are the most important person in my life, and I will never give up on you.
08*** Same side, the harm caused by derailment.
Second, communicate sincerely and share the pain. When you feel unsafe, don't turn over old scores, but tell your husband directly. I feel unsafe again.
You're really back? Do you still love me ?
When the wife is calm, she should praise her husband, encourage him and thank him for choosing this family, so that he can be affirmed. For example, listen to what needs the husband has not met in marriage.
Third, express love and support each other.
For couples who have experienced emotional crisis, they need the affirmation of love more. It has been said that the greatest need in everyone's heart is to be unconditionally accepted by the loved one and rank first in the lover's heart.
What a husband needs most after an affair is his wife's unconditional acceptance, but the wife needs to know her position in her husband's heart.
If you choose to forgive your husband, it is particularly important to forgive the other person, which is not only a relief for your husband, but also a relief for yourself. "Staring out of the window, expecting a ray of sunshine. Why don't you go out and embrace the sunshine?