But we will also find that with such praise, children will become flatterers and people who always seek the attention of others.
At this time, we should be careful: what is at work? Has the child formed the concept of completely relying on other people's opinions?
Although it seems to be effective, the long-term effect must be considered.
We think that praise can give children self-esteem, but in fact self-esteem can neither be given nor accepted. Self-esteem is cultivated and acquired by coping with disappointment, solving problems and learning mistakes.
Therefore, encouragement and praise must be done, but attention should be paid to ways and means.
A study in Japan shows that children who are often praised by their parents but rarely praised by their parents have a success rate five times higher than the latter!
Many parents and kindergarten teachers know:
? If you praise your child's clean hands today, his hands will be cleaner the next day;
? If today praises his handwriting better than yesterday, tomorrow his handwriting will be more neat;
? If you praise him for his politeness today, he will pay more attention to it tomorrow. ...
Parents may not realize how important their encouraging words are to their children's life.
Former German Chancellor Kohl was introverted when he was a child. He seldom talks and works half a beat slower than others. So, being ridiculed and despised, Cole cried and asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid bird?" Can't I do anything well? "
Dad firmly told Cole: "Cole, you are not stupid, you are unique, you are different. You can do what others can do, and you can do better than them. "
Later, dad took Cole to see the sea. At the seaside, many birds are robbing for food.
Dad said to Cole, "Look, Cole, there are so many birds on the beach fighting for food. Sparrows are the most sensitive when the waves hit. They will immediately flap their wings and fly into the sky. In contrast, seagulls move slowly. They flap their wings clumsily, and it takes a long time to fly into the sky. But you have to understand that it is not a' smart' sparrow that can fly across the ocean, but a' clumsy' seagull. "
At that time, young Cole could not understand his father's words well, but he built up confidence.
With his father's constant encouragement and appreciation, he began to work hard to do things that he didn't do well before, dared to express his ideas in public, and stood in the front row of the outing team ~ ~
It was his father's encouragement and support day after day that made Kohl, who was young and self-abased and introverted, grow into the longest-serving chancellor in Germany after the war.
Dad's encouragement to Cole helped him build up confidence in the face of difficulties and the courage to push him forward.
If Cole grew up in an ordinary family, he might be criticized by his father or complained by his mother. "Why are you so slow?"? Can't this be done well? " And "Look at you, you are always forgetful." . . If Cole's father did the same to Cole, there would be an outstanding prime minister in the world.
Encouragement is one of the most important methods in family education. Every child needs constant encouragement to gain confidence, courage and self-motivation, just as plants need sunshine and rain. Yan Yuan, an educator in Qing Dynasty, said: "It is better to win an award than to win an award."
A parent has a boy who is in a rebellious period. He said nothing at home at night, but he didn't do his homework. So the wise father suddenly thought that one of his articles was published in the school magazine and said to him:
"I always thought that your specialty was math, and I was also very concerned about your math scores, because when I was a child, my math scores were the worst. I didn't expect your composition to be very good. The article was very touching and I showed it to my colleagues in my father's office. "
As you can easily imagine, he soon adopted a cooperative attitude after listening to this passage.
Some parents will complain: "My child is so stubborn that I can hardly find anything to praise him." No one will believe this sentence. Everything has two sides, and so do children. Careful parents can always find the bright spot of their children in small things.
Some parents will say, what if my child is not used to praise? Isn't it hypocritical to praise often? Sometimes it goes without saying that ta will know, right?
Carnegie said that people have a desire to be praised and thanked. Just like a drinker, he is thirsty without wine.
Encouraged, the children gradually realized:
I have the ability to contribute to what I am interested in;
I can have an impact on things around me and my life;
I can respond positively to things that interest me.
In fact, it is not difficult to praise children, but it is not easy to praise them in place.
Lele had learned a lot of English words in kindergarten, so she learned English well after entering the first grade, and got 100 in the first English exam.
Mom saw that Lele got 100, and immediately praised him: "Lele is so smart, she got 100 for the first time." Since then, Lele has scored 100 in every exam, and his mother will praise him for his cleverness.
Unexpectedly, after entering the second grade, Lele's English performance was obviously not as good as before. Lele scored more than 80 points in two consecutive exams. The head teacher and English teacher found Lele's mother and said that every time in class, other students were listening carefully, but Lele was absent-minded. The teacher asked him, and he said, "I'm so smart that I can do it without listening carefully."
Lele's mother could do nothing at the moment when she heard the teacher say this. When Lele came home, her mother asked him why he didn't listen to the teacher carefully in class. Lele said, "I am so smart that I learned it quickly." Lele's mother is blocked and has nothing to say.
Since then, Lele's mother has never dared to praise her children for their cleverness. However, children's grades have not been improved. Because of their "cleverness", Lele's mother is anxious and regretful.
In life, many parents will praise their children's cleverness to others. Even if their children don't do well in the exam, they will say to others, "Our child is very clever, but he is too careless and always likes to make some small mistakes."
This practice cannot be imitated. Smart and beautiful is a person's innate factor, and it can't reflect the acquired efforts. In fact, smart people are often trapped in their own cocoons.
Great, good, good, and so on are all abstract words, and their meanings only reflect the inner feelings of adults. With some subjective standards of adults, children can't understand and learn correct conscious behavior, so they can't clearly understand what kind of behavior can be appreciated.
One day, a strange aunt came to Mao Mao's house. Mao Mao is curious. It seems that the aunt is very kind, so Mao Mao takes out his candy and gives it to her. Aunt smiled and took Mao Mao's hand and said that he was really sensible! Mao Mao was encouraged.
Two days later, another guest came home and Mao Mao did the same thing. But my father and uncle have been talking. When they saw the candy brought by Mao Mao and said thank you, they continued their conversation. Mao Mao was somewhat disappointed.
The third time was one night, it was raining outside, and Mao Mao and his parents were having dinner. Suddenly someone knocked at the door and my father came over. There was a faint sound. . sorry . Pay attention later ",". . The child is out of control. . Don't. 。” Hearing this, mother got up and went to the door to see the situation.
At this time, Mao Mao has finished eating and wiped her hands. He went to the drawer of the sideboard and took out the chocolate his mother bought him this afternoon. He put a piece in his mouth. Wow, it's delicious! Mao Mao wanted her mother to have a taste, so she ran to the door and saw her mother standing at the outside, close to the people saying something, and her father's face was gloomy.
Mao Mao pushed past his father and gave his mother a piece of chocolate. Looking at an aunt who was frowning and her chest was still fluctuating violently, he still felt happy when he remembered the last smiling aunt, so he went over and gave the aunt a piece. As a result, the man froze, grabbed Mao Mao and said, "Is this a child?" ! I won't eat! You . "
Before she finished, dad grabbed Mao Mao and handed it to his mother, asking her to take him back to the house. Mao Mao's heart is full of disappointment, chagrin, doubt and injustice. Should this kind of behavior be done?
When most people meet a smart and sensible child, they will casually praise the child and often say "You are great" and "Keep working hard". Children will pay more attention to such encouragement at first, but after a long time, they will lose their incentive effect and even cause children's disgust.
Therefore, we are also very wronged: "When I praise my children, they sometimes like it and sometimes they don't. Did I do something wrong? "
When in doubt, you can ask yourself:
? Am I encouraging children to evaluate themselves, or am I relying on others' evaluation?
? Are you respecting your children or putting on airs in front of your parents?
? Do I see the child's point of view, or just my own point of view?
? Will I talk to my friends like this?
Parents' stubbornness and unreasonable education methods often lead to the failure of education. We may think that only punishment can effectively correct children's mistakes. In this way, children are not encouraged at all.
But encouragement can be done in a very simple way, not as complicated as some parents think. For example, giving a child a hug will make him feel some comfort.
In fact, encouragement is a process, showing children the kind of love that can let them know that they are good enough;
Encouragement can let children know that what they do and what kind of person they are are two different things;
Encouragement can let children know that their parents value themselves without any judgment because they are unique;
Through encouragement, you can teach children that making mistakes is an opportunity to learn and grow, not something they should be ashamed of. Children who are encouraged will love themselves and have a sense of belonging.
Therefore, encouragement is essential. But there is a difference between encouragement and praise, as shown in the following figure:
Praise teaches children to rely on the external judgment of others, rather than trusting their own inner wisdom and making comments.
Don't praise your child like this: "I'm really proud of you or that you got 100." I will pay you. "
Encourage children: "You must feel very proud, or you study really hard, and you deserve 100."
Often praise and reward, children will convince them that I am good only if others say I am good, and they will try to avoid making mistakes instead of learning from them. Instead, encourage children to believe in themselves and their ability to do the right thing.
Children can accept and truly establish self-identity praise, usually including two parts:
First, adults describe what children do. I see you are ready to go to school tomorrow. You finished your homework, sharpened your pencils, packed all your books, and even cooked your own lunch.
When we tell our children what we find and feel, we must really look at it and concentrate. Saying "great", "great" and "very good" is so simple that you can say such compliments without thinking.
Give a chestnut:
Child: Listen to a poem I wrote about trains. Is this poem well written? Adult: Great, you are a great poet. In addition to the assessment, you can also:
1. Describe what you have seen and heard. "You caught the creaking rhythm of the train and found a way to express it."
2. Describe your feelings. "It makes me feel like sitting in a train carriage and flying in the country."
Adult: Look at those typos. You should write better. In addition to criticism, you can:
3. Point out what needs to be done. "As far as this poem is concerned, what needs to be done now is to correct the words' after' and' goods' and copy them into the book."
Second, after listening to the description of what he has done, the child will praise himself: "I know how to arrange and plan in advance."
We expect children to trust their own judgment, have enough confidence to say "I am satisfied" or "I am not satisfied with what I have done" to themselves, and make corrections and adjustments on the basis of self-evaluation.
Therefore, in order to encourage children to believe in themselves and establish their own value system, we must avoid some words with the meaning of evaluation, such as "good", "great", "great" and "best". We just need a "simple description": you can describe what you see, how you feel, and finally point out what needs to be done.
It's easy to praise or reward children who behave well, but what can you say to those children who behave badly or feel bad about themselves to point out their mistakes without demoralizing their critics?
You know, this is when they need encouragement most. You can try saying this:
"You really work hard, and I believe you can handle it."
"You are very good at solving problems. I'm sure you can figure out a solution to this problem. I love you no matter what. "
Discuss the areas that need improvement. Younger children can say, "I like the sentence you wrote,' You are my favorite person'. I think Miss Li will like it, too. I also think she would like you to give an example to describe exactly how you admire her. Please check your homework, write all the underlined words correctly, and write the date and address in the letter. I look forward to reading your revised letter. "
Another effective way is to ask children, "What do you think you have done well and what needs to be improved?" Children often know without telling you, and it will be better for children to admit what needs to be improved.
You can ask your child, "How do you improve your computing ability? What do you need to do to achieve your goal? " ? Then, you can brainstorm with your son and come up with various ways to help them improve, thus teaching children the value of setting goals and self-evaluation.
When we are not sure whether our praise is helpful, we can ask a key question: "Do my words make the child rely more on my praise, or help him see his own strengths and be more aware of his abilities and achievements?" Compare the following words:
Praise that will make children dependent:
"What a perfect report card, I am proud of you."
"Are you doing your homework? Good boy. "
"You are a very generous person."
Can give children praise for their ability and sense of accomplishment;
? "This 100 mark represents your determination and countless hours of hard work. You must be proud of yourself. "
? "No matter how tired you are, you can persist in doing your homework, which requires self-discipline."
? "When you saw Zhang Qi forget to bring lunch, you gave him yours."
Descriptive encouragement is more difficult and takes more time, but it is very helpful to children.
If we train them to always expect others' approval, what kind of information do we send them? You can't trust yourself, you need other people's opinions to tell you how you are doing.
Therefore, we should always remember that the purpose of raising children is to provide them with emotional nutrition and help them become independent people with creative thinking and behavior.
Preview of the next section: encourage children's case collection and golden sentence reference.
If you touch or gain something, you don't need to reward, just like it, thank you for your support!