But more of us are not good at listening. Because it turns out that listening is really not easy. Listening is not an innate instinct or character, but a method that requires hard work.
As the psychiatrist Dr. Michael P. Nichols wrote in the book The Lost Art of Listening: Learning to Listen Can Enhance Relationships, sincere and caring listening "requires selfless attitude and restraint of your own efforts. To listen carefully, we must forget ourselves, substitute each other's needs, and pay attention to what each other cares about. "
When we listen carefully, we not only get information, but also "witness each other's experiences". Nichols, a professor of psychiatry and therapist at William and Mary College, said, "We are sincerely interested in them, so we put aside our own affairs for a while and stop thinking about what we want to say." .
"At least in the short term, listening is a one-way relationship."
The book The Lost Art of Listening contains many important (and surprising) ideas, true stories, case studies and practical exercises about listening. This is very important, because sometimes we think we show empathy and support, but what we do is not the case.
Here are three tips written in the book.
Don't confuse sympathy with empathy.
Sometimes we exaggerate our worries, such as "Oh, that's too bad! ! ! "。 We thought it was just sympathy. But as Nichols wrote, "showing misfortune and listening are not the same thing." An exaggerated response will appear hypocritical and condescending.
Nichols introduced the difference between sympathy and empathy in this way: "The scope of sympathy is narrower and its function is more limited. Compassion is empathy, not understanding. The same reason is different. Like many people think, the same truth is to share their troubles, praises and joys, talk endlessly, comfort or encourage each other. It also means understanding. "
Timely relief
When our lover is afraid, sad or depressed, we naturally want to comfort him/her. No one likes to watch friends or family suffer. But for people with energy leakage, liberation will make them feel looked down upon.
Nichols wrote: "More failed listening is telling people not to think like this."
When you listen to people's distress and pain, just show that you value them.
Of course, sometimes people really need to be free. Nichols said, for example, if you are not satisfied with your hairstyle, your friend said, "Nothing, it's fine." For example, if you feel that you have accomplished nothing, you will feel very depressed. At this time, you will feel much better if someone lists all your excellent things.
It is difficult for us to judge when people need to listen and when they need to be free. Nichols said: "The more he talks about self-doubt, worry or obsess about whether there is a better solution to the problem, the more likely he is to need relief. The stronger the feelings expressed in the confession, the greater the possibility that he needs to be listened to and understood. "
What if you're not sure? "If you have any questions, just listen."
Don't think too fast.
We will assume what the other person will say next, and then jump directly to the conclusion. We will interrupt others and help them. We will say, "Oh, I know!" Or "Me too!" Or "I hate this kind of thing." And so on.
We do this out of kindness and want to show goodwill, but the other party will think that we are not listening.
Again, this is the core of good listening. In the same way, we need two things: first, we need to open our hearts and immerse ourselves in the movie like movie audiences and advance and retreat with the characters. -Nichols wrote. The second point is "from perception to thinking." What is he/she saying, what does he/she mean, and what is his/her feeling? "
Don't just assume that you can understand each other's feelings-even if you have been in a similar situation, ask. For example, traveling makes you tired, but your partner may not feel tired. It is also possible that your partner feels tired, but for other reasons.
Mochols wrote that the same openness, "basically, is to discover what is happening in other people's inner world."
The next time you listen to your friends or family, don't try to change their minds with an accepting attitude, try to understand and see what happened in their lives.
The main points of listening
1. Overcome egocentricity: Don't always talk about yourself. 2. overcome self-righteousness: don't always want to be dominant. 3. Respect the other person: Don't interrupt the conversation and let the other person finish. Never interrupt others by delving into unimportant or irrelevant details. 4. Don't get excited: Don't rush to conclusions, don't rush to evaluate each other's views, don't rush to express suggestions, and don't have a heated argument because of different opinions. Listen carefully to what the other person says, and don't concentrate on how to refute a specific little point that the other person says. Try not to listen and think about what he is going to say next. 6. Ask yourself if you are biased or prejudiced. They can easily affect your listening to others. 7. Don't let your mind jump faster than the speaker, and don't try to understand what the other person hasn't said yet. 8. Pay attention to some details: don't know what you shouldn't know, don't make small moves, don't be distracted, and don't mind the characteristics of others' speech.
Learn to listen
1. Be aware of each other's feelings. A person's feelings often guide his behavior more than his thoughts. The less he pays attention to the true face of people's feelings, the less he will communicate with each other. Observing feelings is to repeat the feelings behind the other person's words, indicating acceptance and understanding of his feelings, which sometimes produces quite good results. 2. Pay attention to feedback. Pay attention to information feedback when listening to others, and check whether you know each other in time. You might as well say, "I don't know if I understand you, but what you mean is …" Once you have confirmed your understanding of him, you should start giving positive and practical help and suggestions. 3. Grasp the main idea and don't be attracted by individual details. People who are good at listening always pay attention to analyzing what is primary and what is secondary, so as to grasp the main meaning behind the facts and avoid misunderstanding. 4. Care, understand, accept each other, encourage him or help him find a way to solve the problem.
The secret of listening
1. lean forward to show interest in the conversation. 2. Asking what you answer means that you are communicating with others. 3. In the process of listening, add your own opinions in time and balance giving and absorbing. 4. Respond to the speaker with head movements and rich facial expressions. Listening method 1. You must fully realize the necessity of improving this method and want to improve it. If there is no such strong desire, no matter how hard you try, it will be futile. 2. When it is difficult for you to understand each other's intentions, ask, "Why are you telling me this?" 3. Beware of the word "red card". These words may lead to overreaction or prejudice, such as "female liberation" and "male chauvinism". If you find yourself distracted and can't keep up with each other's conversation, then pay attention to the key words and the most used words. This often happens when the speaker is unclear, incomprehensible and irrelevant. Try to find an undisturbed place to talk. If there are too many distractions around you, it will affect your concentration and make it difficult for you to connect with your own thinking chain.
Taboo of listening
1. Indifferent to the conversation; 2. Listen to the content and ignore the feeling; Interrupt each other's conversation for no reason.
The experience of listening
1. To relax the narrator, both of them should sit down and face each other at the same height, which is better than the general social distance. 2. If the narrator is emotional from the beginning, it will inevitably lead to the inability to make things clear, which is very common in female tellers. At this time, as the same sex, hugging and patting are good ways to stabilize each other's emotions. 3. When listening, look at each other intently and softly, and give timely responses, such as nodding and "hmm", indicating that you are listening attentively. 4. What you don't understand or don't understand should be raised and communicated in time to avoid misunderstanding. But don't pretend to be the host, let alone change the subject. Don't express your opinions before the other party finishes, and don't prejudge in advance. Try to avoid infecting each other's affairs with their own subjective colors and listen patiently. 6. After the other person has finished speaking, let him drink some hot tea or hot milk or chocolate if he asks. He needs to feel concerned, and hot things are easy to cheer people up. 7. No matter how ridiculous and childish the other person says to you, he tells you that he trusts you, which is a compliment to your personality, so don't laugh at him or comment on his affairs in a condescending manner. Even if you don't agree with his idea, give him the understanding and comfort he wants. It is the duty of friends to support each other in difficulties. 8. You don't need to completely infect the other person's emotions, or try to help him vent. If the content of the other party's complaint is just an inexplicable emotion, then by the time of step 7, everything has been completed. But if this is an unsolved problem, you can help him sort things out from beginning to end, what he did wrong, mainly other people's problems, solutions 123 and so on. 9. You can look at the problem from his point of view, but the advice must come from your own ideas. What the other person wants to hear is "your opinion". If you are worried that your thoughts are too subjective, try to cut into the problem from multiple angles and try to ensure objectivity and fairness. 10. Of course, it is also possible that the other party gradually got an idea in the process of telling. If you think your idea will be better, tell him as a proposal and help him consult, not make a decision. Decisions must be made by the parties themselves. Even if he doesn't take your advice in the end, give him encouragement and blessings.
Participatory technology of psychological counseling
concept
Listening is one of the participatory skills of psychological counselors, including listening, asking, encouraging and repeating skills, content response, emotional response, concretization, participatory overview and understanding and grasping non-verbal behavior.
The role of listening:
1. Listening is the first step of psychological counseling and the basic threshold for establishing a good counseling relationship; 2. Listening can show respect for the helper; 3. Listening can make help seekers tell their troubles in a more relaxed and trusting atmosphere; 4. Listening itself can help others.
How does the consultant listen?
1, listen carefully, be interested and put yourself in the other's shoes; 2. Set an appropriate explanation; 3, without prejudice and framework, do not make value judgments.
What should a consultant listen to?
1, understand the content expressed by the helper through words, expressions and actions; 2. Listen to the omitted and unexpressed content or implied meaning of the helper in the conversation; 3. Listen to the unconscious that the helper doesn't know. Specifically, whatever the counselor says to the helper should not show surprise, disgust, strangeness, excitement or anger, but respect and accept unconditionally. You can respond to the caller's confidence in verbal and nonverbal ways, such as "Oh", "Um", "Yes" and "Then what", as well as nodding, staring and smiling. We should not only understand what the helper expressed through words, expressions and actions, but also listen to what the helper omitted, didn't express, and even the subconscious mind that the helper didn't know. Go deep into the feelings of the helper with an alert and affectionate attitude, pay careful attention to the words and deeds of the helper, pay attention to how the other party expresses problems, talk about their relationship with others, and how to deal with problems encountered. We should also pay attention to the hesitation pause, intonation change and various expressions, postures and actions accompanying the speech, so as to make a more complete judgment on the speech.
Appropriate performance of the counselor in the process of listening;
1, the psychological counselor goes deep into the feelings of the helper with a vigilant and affectionate attitude; 2. Pay close attention to the words and deeds of the helper; 3. Make a complete judgment on asking for help; 4. Make an appropriate response.
Errors that are easy to occur when listening:
1, eager to draw conclusions; 2. the problem of despising the helper; 3. Disturb and divert the topic of help-seekers; 4. Make inappropriate moral or correctness judgments; 5, improper use of consulting methods (asking too much; Overgeneralization; Improper emotional reaction).
The encouraging answer when listening is:
Nod and talk (yes, oh, really, go on, um ...)