One.
"damn it"
It's raining so hard that people can't open their eyes. Taxi after taxi broke through the rain curtain and put up the lights, but they didn't want to stop.
I tried to park my car somewhere else, but I kicked my foot hard to the side of the road. I don't have to look at it to know that it is either blue or purple. However, my eagerness to see you has not been affected at all. Even if I walk ten stops, I will go to see you.
I clenched my umbrella washed away by the rain and turned to the next street. The street lamps are no longer warm and bright, and the intertwined intersections are like a huge maze. I walked inside alone, and even the footsteps echoed with the rain.
In a trance, I returned to the first grade of primary school and woke up in the dim light at night, only to find myself locked in the classroom. I am facing the empty classroom, and my sense of emptiness is slowly advancing, squeezing out the air in my chest, which is simply suffocating. I looked at the chalk words left on the blackboard. I didn't cry, and I didn't cry.
I don't know how you climbed up the corridor window and sat there eating apples with your legs flashing without talking, just looking at me. The light shines on your face and the tiny fluff is painted gold.
Finally, I got impatient. You threw the apple core into the trash can accurately before you spoke. "Hey, little mute, I'll take you out if you tell me more than 20 words."
What are you doing here?
"Your father," you said suddenly, "is me, michel platini, let me come to you. It's your fault. I can't watch cartoons. "
Although you were complaining, you helped me jump down and twisted my ankle and walked home slowly. Chatting all the way and asking me all the time, what do you think? I know my father asked you to take care of his autistic daughter, and you tried every means to make me talk more. But at that time, the whole world seemed to be filtered before it came into my sight, and everything became slow. I don't know when to intervene, keep up with the rhythm. I have to practice against you, trying not to look back at the silence that almost devours people.
You were born smart. Because of you, I have always believed that there is a genius who does not work hard but does better than most people. And I ... everything is half a beat late. Sitting under the desk lamp at night, wiping tears for unfinished homework. My parents never expect more from me, but they often comfort me and let me do my best.
In this way, you don't know where you got so much patience, and you want to tie me behind you for four years. I became your little tail, and all the teachers and classmates in the school said that I had a good brother.
"They ride motorcycles, which are very small and often seen in movies ..."
"Vespa," you kicked the stone under your feet, "go on."
"Along a road with low trees on both sides ..."
We were always together at that time. Most of the time, you are talking and I am listening. I must be careful and always be on my guard when you ask me questions. My happiest thing every day is to go to school with you, but I didn't notice that you don't have any good friends for this reason.
We are not in the same school in junior high school. Needless to say, I may be stuck in a second-rate school forever, go to a second-rate school, find a second-rate job, and maybe have a second-rate boyfriend.
First-class you continue to shine, even if you are naughty in the rebellious period, the teacher holds you in his hand like a pearl. You went downstairs with your beautiful girlfriend in your arms, looked up and saw me, and waved to me cunningly. Quarrel with my parents, willfully say to run away from home, but just run upstairs, come to my house and sit at the dinner table with my dad to drink.
You don't know, you stand behind me and watch me do my homework. I sweat when I'm nervous.
"Come on, high school is coming to be my junior." You bend down and breathe through my head. "Try to see everything. No, I can help you with your lessons. "
The whole family is sitting together, staring at you nervously and calling to check my score. I still remember when they heard that I was admitted to your school, everyone hugged each other happily. I just stood by and watched you smile.
Only I know clearly that I am still doing the problem in the middle of the night, watching the lights in the opposite building go out one by one. When you are angry, you don't pay attention to nosebleeds dripping on the paper and winding along the lines of the paper, which makes people inexplicably sad.
Why do I follow your steps, not only because I am getting closer and closer to you, but because of this torrent of sadness, my eyes often turn red.
Two.
Finally, the car stopped halfway, and the driver lamented the once-in-a-decade rainstorm. I only care about arranging my hair, lest you see a little embarrassment.
At the appointed restaurant door, you stood there with your hands in your pockets, thin and tall, with a gloomy face, just like a year ago. In an instant, countless words came to my mind, as if to tell you all my experiences, good and bad.
"Why don't you go in?" Approaching you, a thousand words can only be condensed into one sentence.
"Waiting for you." You always squint at me with a smile, as if I were still your little tail, waiting for you to stop and take care of me.
Maybe it's because I offered to help you share the homework that you can never finish in senior one, and you began to treat me like a child. Actually, I've been plotting for a long time After the mid-term exam, I stayed at home and found a lot of English books. I plan to watch a long list of English movies. That's why I can do my homework head-to-head under the lamp and help you finish so many English papers.
Is that a secret love?
Then I asked myself.
Maybe all I can remember is sitting next to you with my head down and feeling your concentration. Maybe I just expect you to raise your hand happily and compare with me your dream of traveling to famous Sichuan and becoming a geologist. Maybe I just know that I am destined to be mediocre all my life, envy your proud self-confidence and secretly pin my dreams on you.
Sometimes you come to my house for dinner, and I sit on the floor and watch movies, so you naturally sit next to me and watch them together.
Hello. Many times, I think you are like a character who is inexplicably inserted in the middle of a movie. Some people don't know what to say, but people are vaguely worried about which shot will disappear in the first few minutes.
Don't be careful not to see you for so long, we will have nothing to say. After all, I shared so many secrets with you.
In the first year of college, you didn't know you were not your parents because you donated blood.
"Only collapsed in bed, what also don't want to tube, rotten to death in put on. I think everything is so ridiculous, but I know it can't be wrong. " Filial piety is different from many people. It seems ironic that you remember your parents' birthdays, blood types and phone numbers.
At that time, I was just a senior three. In order to catch up with you, I began to work hard early. You stand downstairs and call me.
It's already very cold in autumn, and the fog has wet your hair and eyelashes. I remember you standing under the street lamp with your bag on your back, with a furry light. When you saw me, my mood was still not calm, and I even asked my opinion. "What should I do? I want to ask now, but I dare not. "
I didn't expect that I was the person you trusted the most. But what can I do? I can only stand by your side and watch you at a loss. I almost burst into tears in front of you.
Up to now, I don't think anyone can tell you how much this matter has affected you.
What you can see is that you had a profound conversation with your parents who suddenly became adoptive parents, and then you decided to drop out of school and leave here. You don't want to admit it because you want to see what your biological parents are like. You just said you wanted to go out and have a look before deciding your future ambition.
I didn't know you had left until I received your email. You have no idea how hard this has hit me. I can only think in despair that I will never get close to you again.
When I looked up, you were looking at me, and that inexplicable tension instantly caught my heart. See, once you pour too much emotion into a person, it will always become unnatural. I had to cough a dry cough and clamor for a good meal.
Put your right hand on the table and tap it slowly with a certain rhythm. "Long time no see, let me have a good look at you."
Is this ambiguous? I suddenly feel like crying.
Three.
You have been walking around alone all these years, refusing to spend a penny more on your parents. I'm always worried that you are suffering. Nightmares will not change from reading papers in the examination room to shivering in the street or even falling down on the road.
To my surprise again, you didn't leave me.
The first call was late at night. I was awakened by the vibration of my mobile phone and saw a strange call. My intuition told me it was you.
Actually, I don't want to show weakness in front of you at all. I am afraid that you will look down on me and think that I am the autistic and strange child. So when you lower your voice and let me refuel, I just keep silent and suppress my breathless mood. It's like the eyes suddenly turned black, and it took a long time for a faint street lamp to light up.
I thought the future was dark, but your phone call gave me a glimmer of light.
"I'm fine, it's okay. It's fun outside. I'll show you around when I have time. " You pause, "if there is an opportunity."
Slowly, the number of phone calls has increased, and I look forward to your reassuring and happy voice.
"I seem to have been overthrown. I don't even know who I am. "
"How can they be so tolerant to me, but I can't do anything willful with peace of mind."
"In short," you suddenly sighed, "you may even notice the process of disappearance."
But I don't fully understand.
I only know that you also need an outlet to vent, so when you call, I become a little mute again, carefully afraid to interrupt you, imagining that you will open your heart and stop worrying.
Some proudly tell you that I suddenly realized that I was stupid. You smiled on the other end of the phone.
This is my purpose. I hold my cell phone tightly and squint because I make you happy. You see, I've always been a schemer.
Without telling anyone that we kept in touch, one person giggled happily because he heard your heart and made a long list of plans after the goal of entering your school. But this time, I'm not afraid. You haven't forgotten me after running so far. I just have to try to catch up with you and be your back.
Others say that senior three lives in hell, but I am fearless, because I have our secrets and feel the intimacy between you and me.
I only felt lost once.
Although the performance of the same model is not bad, it looks shabby compared with your shiny school. I just realized the huge gap between ideal and reality. There was no ideal before, and every step was down to earth. Now the ideal is very close to the dream, built at an unreachable height, and may fall straight halfway.
Remember the mobile castle in Hal that we watched together? Hal's hair has changed color. He is in a bad mood and his body is dripping. This is the mood.
You suddenly ask inappropriate questions, even in a relaxed tone disguised as a joke.
"Well, if you like me, just say so. Don't be shy. "
I barely pulled myself together and said something inappropriate, "People who like you will try their best to keep you."
Just like knowing that there is a turn ahead, the past may be better than ever. However, I reluctantly stopped on the straight main road and watched my mind run along that beautiful turn, leaving me only an empty shell.
"Ha ha", you are obviously laughing, maybe you scratched your hair because of embarrassment. "There are many beautiful women here, so I have to seize the opportunity."
What is intimacy? Of course, it's not just being bored together all day, it's not just the distance of five centimeters between two people. I know that intimacy is the feeling that you can feel the breathing frequency enjoyed by two people, the moment when you have an epiphany together, and the feeling that you can miss each other. It is the subtle feeling that the thought of each other will raise the corners of your mouth, whether in a noisy street or a quiet path at night.
I may have destroyed it.
Four.
There is an assignment in primary school that I can't finish, and my parents don't like it. Let me stop writing and go to bed. I just shook my head, dried my tears and went on writing numbly.
Mom sighed, probably distressed and angry at my stupidity.
That kind of character, which was later called persistence, really exudes a completely stupid atmosphere under my dull package. But it was with this weapon that I achieved my goal and made a sensational news in the summer vacation of senior three.
"I really want to go back and see you," you said breathlessly on the other end of the phone. "I want to send you a gift. But I am really scared, and my legs will be weak when I want to go home. "
One year. I dare not tell you that your mother had an operation, and your father would sigh when he mentioned you. You will write letters, send emails and even video with them online, but you never come back once.
"The money in the bank card will be less for a long time, and it will be replenished later. The child ... "My dad was busy comforting them who were about to cry and sighing with them.
I love only you.
Looking at the rain outside the window, you were silent for a while, as if brewing a tone. I took the opportunity to stare at your smooth and sharp jaw line and feel the familiar breath slowly resurrecting. At this time, I really felt you.
"I didn't tell you, did I? I found my biological parents. " When you frown and turn your face, the word "Sichuan" between your eyebrows tells you everything. "It was the summer after your college entrance examination that I finally met them."
"In fact, it's not that hard to find, but I hesitated. I dare not go home to find my parents, nor do I want to know my biological parents. "
"They even have to forget me." You're a little embarrassed to cover your face. "I remember my father just rubbed his hands and said that the conditions were very poor at that time. I moved to a distant relative's house and never contacted him again. My own mother even looked at me like a stranger. When they heard that I went to a good university, they said that I had a good life and was happy for me. "
"They later had children, six years younger than me, and spoiled around them. That's their child. "
Suddenly, hearing your wry smile broke my heart.
After that, you shrug your shoulders. "Don't pity me. I'm still afraid that if they rob me with my parents, I won't die for it. "
The name says it all. But how long it took you to figure it out, no one knows. I wanted to sit next to you and pat you, but I tried several times and gave up. The fear I once had suddenly appeared and didn't cross my head. I was so scared that I didn't even have the courage to take out my backpack.
Like I said before, I've been trying to catch up with you. It's like the story of the race between the tortoise and the hare that influenced me. I am a tortoise, and you are a clever rabbit. I slowly follow your direction, and I really hope you can take a nap on the road so that I can catch up with you. It's not a question of who is the first, but I just want to take a journey with you that none of us have participated in. You no longer have an answer, and I won't back down. At that moment, we were equal and intimate.
I want to be your back. I want to be a little tail that is not so far away from you.
I can't muster up the courage to give you the money that is not so thick in my backpack. I won't tell you, because the appointment was so sudden, I ran to several ATMs in the heavy rain to withdraw all my savings, 20 thousand yuan. I have my scholarship, part-time salary, lucky money, and my vision for you.
I also imagined handing you the money and saying "take it". I just think I can finally have a chance to support you. The last thing I want is for you to suffer. I feel bad that you don't go home and travel around alone. Not every second is a romantic adventure. You have to make money to cope with the crisis, and you have to sort out all your emotions. I want to stand at a starting point with you and make you believe me.
What a beautiful conversation. Although its medium is a pile of pink banknotes. But you certainly don't care about that.
Five.
My eyes must have betrayed my swollen mood, so I couldn't help shivering. I want to tell you that you have to keep traveling and take this money. I will wait for you when you want to come back, but you have to call me.
"Alas, little mute." Every time you want to say something to me, you will start with this sentence.
I had to stay natural for a while, "huh? I am listening. "
You thank the waiter first, then pour me water slowly and speak slowly. "I went home before I came to see you."
"Sure, did you go to see your parents?" I don't want to ask you any more questions. I know very well that time will kill my courage.
"Well, of course."
A few pieces of jasmine tea turned around in the cup and overflowed.
"In fact, my parents and I discussed it for a long time and decided to go abroad to complete the university course. It is not certain that you will emigrate. My dad is much older, and I can't be willful anymore. "
"Now tell me, you are so boring." I swallowed hard.
"The decision just made is fresh and hot. I'll bring it to you." You put down the teapot and put your hands together. "It's a little difficult to see you in the future, but I will often write emails and call you."
"Who wants it?"
We were both stunned by what we blurted out. I have never been good at disguising words as jokes, and this time is no exception.
I can see that your eyes are very gentle. "Then I will take this sentence as a coquetry."
When I first went to college, everything was out of place with me. Stay close to someone or a group of people and avoid being excluded from the circle. The feeling of being ignored is really terrible, just like people walking in the crowd in rags, and everyone scowls away from you when they smell it.
I realized that it was too late.
Unexpectedly, when I was a child, I shrank back into my shell and lost the rhythm of keeping pace with the world. I didn't inform my parents until I rented a house. They came to see me many times, but there was nothing I could do.
I bought a lot of books and squeezed into that small world that makes people feel safe. I don't even care about you. I can hear the sound of the hole spreading in my heart, and I feel that I will fall down sooner or later. I haven't spoken for a long time, and my tongue is petrified.
Then you appeared at my door, knocked at the door and rushed in regardless of my expression, screaming tired and alive, just like a dream I constructed. I regard you as a dream. I do my homework with my computer in my arms, but you don't make a sound. You lie high on the sofa reading a book.
Finally, I couldn't help it. I said, "Hey, read me a paragraph."
This is your third day here. You didn't come after my college entrance examination, only sent a big box of postcards. You didn't show up when I went to school to report, but there were seniors close to you who helped me get familiar with the campus. And you, after my father wrote you an email about me, came to see me from the southernmost tip of China. It's so cold in winter that your nose is red, and you appear at the door.
You didn't look at me. You stretched out your long arm, picked some books from the coffee table and began to read them in silence.
I stared at the rows of words on my homework, afraid to look up. Then you stood up and walked over, and your warm palm covered my head. "I'm worried about you. You should try to see everything. Don't forget your dream. "
I almost told you that my dream was related to you from beginning to end.
It's over, goodbye, farewell, さよぅな.
I hate you.
I stopped talking in the taxi and stared at the dim street lamp outside, cursing you all the way. Maybe I laughed at myself.
Did you screw everything up, or did I screw everything up? You keep saying that you will come to see me again, but I dare not speak, for fear that I will become hysterical and unreasonable. Maybe I should open the window smartly and throw out the money in the envelope as a souvenir.
I didn't expect everything to end like this. I was ready, but you walked away. Have you ever liked me? If so, when did you decide to leave me?
So I feel the frequency error between you and me. I finally understand what you said, what it's like to feel something disappear. My dreams, what I pursue, I obviously feel that they are being stripped from me. When I meet the air, I suddenly turn into nothingness.
Suddenly, I am sad to find that our breathing is not on the same frequency, and everything may be just because of my beautiful phenomenon. We are no longer close, or we have never really been close. You took me once, but you never wanted to take me away.
Maybe this is the truth, I just pin my dream on you.
I have to memorize all the words you read at that time.
"... but I can't get up from the kitchen table under any circumstances. It seems that all my strength has disappeared from me, as if someone quietly went around behind me and gently pulled out the plug on me. I leaned my elbow on the table and covered my face with my hand. In the darkness, I thought of the rain that fell on the sea-the silent rain on the unknown sea ... I kept thinking about this sea until someone came over and put his hand on my back. "
Outside, the heavy rain is still falling, falling on the ground and merging into an ocean, drifting with the lights of the city.
"... no one knows about the rain. Raindrops beat quietly on the sea, and the fish didn't even notice. "
I have a dull pain in my foot. I want to hold back crying again. I'm planning it. I can't hear you clearly.
I think you finally left me.
& gt& gt& gt end