She said that loneliness is a shameless thing.
Finally, they agreed that insomnia and loneliness are shameless things.
At three o'clock in the morning, Blue Pillow was still awake, lit a cigarette and continued to wander on the Internet. In the virtual world, there are all kinds of news related to love and hate, violence and murder, ethics and politics. After reading a few articles, he began to have a headache, not because of those boring news, but because of him, not because of illness, but because of habit. He often suffers from insomnia. Whenever he suffers from insomnia, he will have a headache, but he is used to it.
After taking an aspirin, the effect was not obvious, so I lit another cigarette. I didn't hurry to smoke one, so I let it burn. Many times, he likes to look at the smoke with a relaxed attitude, and then think about many things in the illusion woven by smoke. Sometimes, he even feels that in that void, he can reach out and touch the appearance of death. When the third cigarette burned out, he finally felt a little tired, but it was at this time that he inadvertently opened a space: the black background was full of dark red flowers, which looked gorgeous but full of despair and sadness. Below the flower is a short paragraph: I always watch alone on the other side of love, waiting for your reincarnation and redemption after 1000 years, but, dear fellow villagers, why are we always wrong and never see each other? !
Attracted by this sentence, he began to read articles about space. There are not many stories in it, only six. He randomly chose an article called "Burying Love", which tells a very common emotional story in today's society: a man and a woman have been in love for many years, and they have already reached the point of talking about marriage, but in order to get a better position, the man actually designed his fiancee and personally gave her to his boss. Women wake up without crying or committing suicide. She just dressed quietly, tidied her hair and left. At home, as always, she cooks and washes the bath water for the man, rubs his back with a smile, and then cuts his neck and wrist with his razor when he is drunk. At the end of the story, the author said: Love in the world is generally so much, and it can't escape the entanglement of destiny takes a hand. Men trade women's bodies for jobs, women end men's lives with knives, and bury their love and feelings for men's lives with knives. However, did you see the tears of despair and panic in a woman's eyes before she died?
Seeing this, his headache is getting worse and worse. He guessed that the owner of this space should be a woman, a person who has suffered from insomnia for a long time like him, and maybe a little neurotic. So he added her, and the verification message said "Insomnia is a shameless thing". After a while, the trumpet sounded, and she passed his verification. She also replied that "loneliness is a shameless thing". He began to chat with her:
He: Still not sleeping?
She: Yes.
He: Are you writing?
She: Digest loneliness. How can you say that insomnia is a shameless thing? Loneliness is a shameless thing!
He: Because people who have insomnia, such as me, chat with women online in the middle of the night. This is not shameless?
She: In fact, lonely people, such as me, surf the Internet in the middle of the night to digest my loneliness, which is more shameless than you.
He: Well, insomnia and loneliness are shameless things!
She: Well, insomnia and loneliness are shameless things!
He: Go to sleep, lonely people, people with insomnia have to get ready for work.
She: Yes.
The sky outside the window is gray, but there is a faint light at dawn. Blue pillow turned off the computer, stretched her stiff body, took a bath, changed clothes, made a cup of coffee, baked two pieces of bread and looked at the wall clock on the wall. It was 6: 00 15. Everything is ready, arranged. He went out with his car keys and mobile phone. Before I left, I went to the mirror and looked at my increasingly gaunt face. Then I grabbed a photo frame on the cabinet next door and threw it into the trash can.
Embedded in the frame is a smiling face of a woman, holding him like a summer flower.
She said that loneliness is a flower that blooms in the palm of your hand. Time is too short, but we are always lost in the old times, running counter to our original dreams and drifting away.
After the morning meeting of the company, he continued to read her handwriting. I don't really want to read a person, but my life is too boring. He just wants to kill boredom in a more boring way.
The sky has been dark and the clouds are low. It seems that it will rain in the next second. After lighting a cigarette and playing some music, he began to read her second story.
Her second story is called Cats. Compared with burying love, cats are a bit strange: one rainy night, a woman found a stray cat, pure white and one color, which was very pleasing, especially for men. Since having this cat, men's temperament has changed greatly, and they are often inseparable from cats. Everything is dominated by cats, often staring at it in the depths of feelings, or holding it in your arms and sleeping with it. At the same time, women are neglected. The woman began to feel uneasy, so when the man was not at home, she drove the cat out of the house and threw it far away in the suburbs. Never thought, the man was so angry that he slapped the woman for the first time in his life and slept with her in separate rooms. I never imagined that another rainy night a few days later, the cat actually came to me. When the man saw the sad state of the cat, he was distressed and reprimanded the woman again. Although the woman was angry and wronged, she was afraid of angering the man, so she kept her anger in her heart. On a sunny and warm autumn afternoon, a woman woke up from a nap and passed by a man's room door. Through the half-open door, she actually saw a man holding a cat and stroking the cat's privacy with his fingers. Her face is warm and ambiguous, as if the cat in her arms is a witch.
Shame, nausea, anger, injustice and other emotions immediately rushed to the woman's mind. She kicked the door to argue with the man and fought with him, and the cat scratched her hand at that time. She lost her mind, went to the kitchen to get a knife, tried to kill the cat, was stopped by a man, and gave the woman a good beating. The woman was heartbroken and cried alone all night, then jumped off the building the next morning to commit suicide. When people found her, they found a dead cat under her. ...
And that man, standing on the balcony of 19 floor, facing the first ray of sunshine in the morning, whispered to the mobile phone: Dear, we can be together aboveboard from now on! After that, he glanced at the crowd and the body of his wife downstairs and smiled easily.
At the end of the story, he felt a little absurd, but subconsciously he accepted it. He even wondered if he would be as deliberate as the man in the story if he were himself. But soon he smiled to himself. He is not as clever as the man in the story, so if the story happened to him, it should be him.
At noon, Blue Pillow washed the car, then ate a fast food at a nearby McDonald's, then drove to Chow Tai Fook and got back the customized wedding ring. No sooner had I returned to the company in the afternoon than it began to rain outside. He's a little depressed. When he saw her online, he sent her a message:
Unfortunately, just after washing the car, it suddenly rained.
Consider it another cleaning.
Well, that's a good idea. By the way, you always talk about loneliness, but I have read some of your words, but what I reveal is sadness and despair!
What do you think loneliness is? Loneliness is a flower that blooms in your palm. Invisible and intangible, it always makes people feel empty and lonely, even sad and desperate. For example, insomnia, why do people suffer from insomnia, in the final analysis, is because of loneliness, and why do people feel lonely, because there is no warmth of hugs.
This time, they talked for nearly an hour. Sometimes her words are sharp, full of wisdom and reason, and sometimes her sentences are full of childlike interest, so he became interested in her. He asked her name and she said to call me Xiao Xuan. He knew that Xiao Xuan shouldn't be her real name, but in the virtual world, what does it matter?
He tried to guess her appearance, her occupation, and even tried to go deep into her life. He said, Xiao Xuan, you are too dark. A young girl like you should live like a flower in the sun. She asked why, and he said, your story is always full of betrayal and death, full of obscure sadness. She replied, you too? People who can understand my story are as desperate about life as I am. He felt his heart hit hard by something, painful and melancholy.
He sat for a long time and said, OK, Xiao Xuan, you know what I mean! She said that no one in this world can really understand anyone. We found your secret because we were all lost, lost in the old days, running counter to our original dreams and drifting away.
Recalling the past, he finally realized that loneliness is the most poisonous medicine, which can destroy everything, including all persistence and waiting.
Another night, he listened to "Women Smoking" and was in a trance. He listened to those lyrics again and again. On that day, you gently lit me, and I began to become a cigarette in your hand. On that day, you gently ignited me, and you gently held me in your lips: he saw her head flash and opened it. She told him memories, and he slowly fell into them. Then he told her the story of him and his woman.
In the summer of 20xx, he met Miri online, and after chatting with her for nearly half a year, he fell in love with her. At that time, he just graduated and worked as a small salesman in a company. His work and life are not satisfactory. In reality, he has nothing, but in the virtual world of the internet, he has beauty. Mei Rui and he are not in the same city. She is in a small town far away from him. She said she wanted to see him and be with him, so he went all the way to find her. After two days by train, he finally met Meirui at the shabby station in the town. As he imagined, Meirui was gentle, with long hair hanging down her shoulders, bright eyes and white teeth, and a white skirt fluttering.
Later, he returned to the city with Meirui. He held her hand and told her that he must let her live a happy life. He quit his previous job and started his own business. The hardships of the first few years often made him want to give up, but the thought of Meirui, who stood silently behind him and cooked for him, always smiled and encouraged him, saying that he only loved his Meirui in his life, so he could put aside all difficulties and rekindle his belief in success. Now that he has succeeded, Meirui is in the arms of others. When I left him, I only said one sentence: I'm sorry, my waiting lost time and my body lost loneliness.
At this point in the story, he clenched his fist gently, and the hatred and pain that flashed in his heart made him unconsciously take a gasp. Then he went on to say: It turns out that in the last two years, when I was not at home, Miri had another man and betrayed me quietly! But you know, I have secretly made a wedding ring and plan to marry her this month. How ironic!
After saying this, he laughed out loud, as if laughing at himself, at his past with Meirui, or at the love he once thought.
After a long time, she finally replied to him: this world is lonely except loneliness! Don't blame Miri, you don't know how lonely, hopeful and disillusioned a waiting woman is. Loneliness is the most poisonous medicine, which can destroy everything, including all persistence and waiting. So don't blame Meirui, please don't blame Meirui.
Seeing her words, he began to sneer: women can always find thousands of reasons for their betrayal. Oh, women, all the same! He didn't call her back, just turned off QQ, lit a cigarette and stared at the computer screen alone.
The night was so long, the song "Women Smoking" was played again and again, and Wei Jiayi sang it again and again: You said that women are used to smoking, and you said that you can get along with it, but I will be a cigarette in your hand in the next life. . . Then at that moment, he suddenly realized that she was right. Loneliness is the most poisonous medicine, which destroys not only the human body, but also the persistence and waiting of people!
He coughed badly and suddenly had a bad headache, but he felt a little relieved. He felt that he could try to forgive Meirui and stop him from losing sleep.
When he returned to the Internet, he saw that she was still there. He said, Xiao Xuan, I want to see you, or listen to your voice.
This time, she didn't answer him, but her head turned gray and black in an instant.
The night he heard her voice, he dreamed of a woman in white and cried and said to him, Look, my loneliness is a flower in my palm.
Blue pillow thought she would disappear. Unexpectedly, she left him a phone number on QQ. That number is very special, starting with 137, but the following numbers are repeated in pairs, which makes him doubt the authenticity of that number for a moment. He hesitated for many days and finally dialed the phone on a rainy night. After a piece of music, someone answered, a beautiful female voice, soft but a little hoarse. He said, Xiao Xuan, it's me, insomniac.
She smiled gently and said, I know.
He coughed and then began his first conversation with her. At first, there was nothing good to talk about, so I made a slip of the tongue when chatting. There was a long silence at both ends of the phone. Later, when he told her about her childhood, she began to jump up happily and told him a lot happily. Later, he asked her why she wrote it. She didn't tell him that she loves words as much as others. She said that the original intention of her writing was that she couldn't see an article to express her feelings, so she wrote it herself. He liked her answer very much and unconsciously asked another vulgar question, Xiao Xuan, what was your real experience in the story of your space? Unfortunately, I can't write my own story, she sighed. He wanted to ask her some more questions, but it was raining harder and harder outside the window, and the heavy rain beads hit the glass window, making a scratching sound, which made him a little uneasy.
He stood up, went to the window, looked out, then put the phone to his ear and whispered, "Xiao Xuan, where are you?" ? I will find you! That night, his whisper suddenly seemed a little vague. Sure enough, she heard it on the other end of the phone and said nothing, just hung up the phone quietly. He listened to the busy tone of "toot-toot" and "toot-toot", shook his head with some self-effacing, closed the phone, suddenly felt a little lonely and helpless, and even panicked, so he jumped on a bed, wrapped the quilt in his body and gradually closed his eyes.
That night, he didn't suffer from insomnia. It was the first night after Meirui left him, but he had a dream, a gorgeous and strange dream. There are big red flowers in full bloom in the dream, which are cold and beautiful. There is a woman wearing a pure white dress and standing among the flowers with her back on her back. He thought it was Meirui, so he called her name. But when the woman turned around, he saw clearly that it was not Meirui, but a strange woman. She looked at him with a frown. As she watched, a big tear slowly fell from her eyes. She suddenly stretched out her arm to him, spread out her palm and said, look, I am. Then he saw her white hands slowly shed bright red blood, and the blood dripped on her white dress, which opened desperate and beautiful flowers. ...
He woke up in an inexplicable fear and found himself lying in bed in a cold sweat. Outside the window, the sun was warm and everything was quiet.
He recalled that dream and suddenly thought of someone, muttering to himself: Xiao Xuan. ...
When she was away, he suddenly missed her for no reason. Once the long-buried love quietly recovers, the pain will go deep into the bone marrow.
Throughout March, Blue Pillow never saw Xiao Xuan on the Internet again. He called her, but it was turned off. He remembered the dream of that night for no reason, and his heart turned into a desert in an instant. His life is as boring as ever, but his heart can no longer calm down and he begins to suffer from insomnia and headaches all night. Once again, he was used to lighting a cigarette in the middle of the night and wandering around major websites, but he was afraid to go to Xiao Xuan's space again. He was afraid that what was buried in his heart would slowly recover, but he became so helpless that he involuntarily began to miss someone he had never met. That person's name was Xiao Xuan!
He drove through street after street. He thinks that one of the girls in the street must be Xiao Xuan, but he thinks that none of them is Xiao Xuan. He became confused, even a little trance. He went to the bar, drank a lot of wine alone, and a coquettish woman came up to strike up a conversation. He grabbed her by the shoulder and called her "Xiao Xuan". Then he squinted at her for a long time and shook his head in disappointment. You are not Xiao Xuan or Xiao Xuan! Because of this, he was despised by the woman, calling him a "psycho", and then was thrown into the street by the bar security guard on the grounds of much ado about nothing. He felt that his stomach was burning and churning badly, and he vomited in the street in the middle of the night with a tree on the side of the road. When the cold wind blows, the leaves scattered on the ground rotate with the wind.
After vomiting, he barely raised his head. In his hazy eyes, the neon of the city drifted away and really became a desert. ...
He didn't know how he finally got home, but when he woke up the next morning, he was really at home. My stomach is still cramping and I have a splitting headache. Struggling to get up, taking a bath and eating something, the feeling of tumbling in my stomach gradually calmed down, but my head still hurts.
After going to work, having a meeting and finishing a business, I glanced at the hanging Q-Q in my spare time and stumbled upon Xiao Xuan Online. His heart suddenly chug disorderly jump, his hand hesitated on the keyboard for a long time, only with complex emotions sent a message to the bright head, how, finally willing to appear? To his surprise, she didn't answer his words, and she quickly went offline. His heart suddenly cooled to freezing point. After sitting alone for a long time, he finally decided to dial the phone number he knew by heart. He really doesn't want to. He really can't let go. He really needs an explanation to comfort all his anxiety and waiting. He needs an answer, an answer that will make his heart die.
He didn't expect that the phone would be connected soon. Xiao Xuan's voice on the other end of the phone is still hoarse, but it is full of weakness and fatigue. She said, bird, where are you? I need you! Then she said an address off and on, and then he heard the phone drop to the ground.
He had no time to think about it, so he grabbed the car keys and ran away. Along the way, he hurried and ran several red lights. He knew that Xiao Xuan must be in trouble, otherwise a woman like her wouldn't say she needed him. After arriving at the place Xiao Xuan said, he went upstairs and knocked on the door, only to find that the door was unlocked, but left unlocked. He pushed the door in and saw a woman curled up on the floor with messy hair and a white dress covered with scarlet blood. She may have been awakened by the sound of his entering the door. She slowly opened her slightly closed eyes to see him, tried to squeeze out a smile, and slowly said to him as if she had known him for a long time: Bird, you finally … arrived …
He picked her up and hurried to the hospital!
He finally met her, accompanied her to the church and walked with her for dozens of blocks. Then she told him that he loved him.
In the hospital, he sat on a stool outside the operating room, utterly confused. The dream before, and the scarlet blood on Xiao Xuan's white dress, changed in turn in his mind, making him want to go crazy and almost collapse! After the operation, the surgeon came out of the operating room, looked at him disdainfully and said, the adults are fine, and the children are gone. You are really not a man. I have never seen such a woman! He didn't understand what the doctor said at all, but he was relieved when he knew that Xiao Xuan was all right.
Xiao Xuan has been in a coma since the operation. Only then did he know that Xiao Xuan had miscarried and lost too much blood. The doctor said that she should have been beaten because she was covered with bruises and had obvious shoe prints on her abdomen. He finally understood what the surgeon said, but he didn't want to say anything. Although all the nurses looked at him with strange eyes, he really didn't want to say anything. He just wants Xiao Xuan to wake up quickly.
He has been guarding Xiao Xuan's bedside, holding her slender hand and quietly looking at her face. He had never seen Xiao Xuan before, but he still thought she was familiar. He thinks she has something he can feel, and he knows that he and she are of the same kind!
Xiao Xuan finally woke up. She calmly looked at everything around her and calmly said thank you to him. When I first touched my lower abdomen, my tears came down. He wiped her tears. He said Xiao Xuan will be fine, everything will be fine! Xiao Xuan smiled.
Later, Xiao Xuan was discharged from the hospital and passed a path behind the hospital. She pointed to a small yellow flower on the slope and said, Do you know? These flowers are lonely flowers waiting for comfort. At that moment, her smile was sweet, as if she had never been hurt. He just looked at her with pity and love, at the slight blush on her pale face, and at the faint sunlight shining on her bright forehead through the shadow.
Xiao Xuan lived in his house, nursed him back to health and served as his nanny. He didn't ask her what happened during the disappearing time, because he enjoyed his present life. When he goes out in the morning, someone will see him off, and when he goes home at night, someone will wait. He is attached to calm warmth and can't bear to disturb him. He accompanied her to the church and walked hand in hand with her for more than ten blocks. He held her in his arms and kissed her face gently. He told her that he loved her! She gently pushed him away and said almost dreamily, is there still love? Love has long been cold!
He held her hand. No, Xiao Xuan, love has just begun! She threw herself into his arms and cried so hard and loudly that she seemed to cry for life.
That night, her tears completely annihilated him, and her slender and smooth body, like the flowers he saw in his dream, bloomed enchanting under him, dazzling and beautiful. He hugged her tightly, bit her lips and said, Xiao Xuan, I love you! She closed her eyes, her eyes filled with tears, and she choked up and couldn't speak!
All stories have a background, and behind that background is the whole truth, and the truth is something that can make people die.
When winter came, she suddenly disappeared, taking nothing away and leaving nothing behind.
This time, he still drove through the city, constantly pursuing any figure similar to her, and still found nothing. He dragged his tired body home and finally collapsed. He burst into tears in the dark room. He shouted at the top of his lungs, Xiao Xuan, why are you so cruel and don't give us a chance to be happy?
He didn't call her off cell phone again and again. He gave up the futile search. He went to her homepage and wanted to leave her a message, but unexpectedly found that her space had been updated. A short story is called "Love is cold when it is warm". 28-year-old woman, selling words for a living. Have a boyfriend who has been in love for five years. They were originally in n city. Later, this man went to work in G City. Before leaving, he told the woman to wait for him and come back to marry her when his career was successful. A woman waited for a man for three years and finally got an invitation from him, but the bride was not her. Women have no complaints and sorrows. She went to G City, met a man and pestered him all night. Then she decided to go back to N City and live a good life alone, but at that time, she found herself pregnant with a man's child. She began to feel at a loss, panic and even despair, but fortunately, at the same time, she met a man online, a man who was willing to talk to him about loneliness.
Later, he began to talk to this man on the phone and slowly became attached to him. I tried to tell her about her many times, but I couldn't open my mouth many times. She didn't know whether to keep the child or throw it away, so she called the father for advice, but he thought she would start pestering him, come to her door, threaten her in various ways, and even punch and kick each other. On her deathbed, it was the man I met online who took her to the hospital and saved her.
Finally, the child was gone, and she was desperate for life and survival. But the man I met online has been with her, telling her that everything will be fine. She believed him, because she didn't know when she fell in love with this man who always couldn't sleep at night.
However, her heart is riddled with holes, and she can no longer love or give love. Moreover, after the abortion, her son and daughter were forced to completely sever the relationship. She can't be a complete woman and give her lover all the happiness she wants, so she finally chose to leave.
Blue pillow knows that she is writing about herself.
His heart ached like a needle, making it difficult to breathe and his hands and feet cold. He shook his hand and left her a message: Xiao Xuan, please, don't leave me alone!
But in the end, his tears, or, drop by drop. ...