I'm Yang Li. Glad to see my article again!
I have a friend. Her name is Xiao Ran. She is 29 years old. She looks a little cold, but she has a good face value. She lives in a first-tier city and has a good family background. Xiao Ran is currently working as a project manager in a foreign company, and her career prospects are bright.
However, she is nearly 30 years old, but she is often frustrated emotionally. Although there are many excellent boys around her, every boy who approaches her is getting colder and colder. She doesn't take the initiative, and the other party won't take the initiative to send her messages, and her tone and attitude are becoming more and more polite.
Xiao Ran was puzzled. I believe this is also a problem that many girls are troubled by. So today, I will talk to you through the situation in Xiao Ran.
Xiao Ran's current object will take the initiative to chat with Xiao Ran at first, be caring and attentive, and talk about things, but I don't know when it will start, so it will no longer take the initiative. Only when Xiao Ran takes the initiative to open a conversation will his attitude become positive. As long as Xiao Ran doesn't look for him, he won't take the initiative to look for Xiao Ran.
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Scene 1: Xiao Ran carefully prepared a birthday present for each other's birthday. The other party accepted it gladly, but after returning home, he sent a message saying, "The gift is so expensive, why not take it back?" Xiao Ran was in tears and was thinking of explaining her feelings to each other. Because the crying was too loud, his parents knew the situation and came to intervene and said, "Don't say that! Just tell him that the last time you told me what you wanted, I wrote it down. If I buy it for you, you can take it. " She lowered her head to hold back her tears and sent the message to the other party.
Situation 2: Xiao Ran tells his parents that the boy no longer takes the initiative, and every time he lets her take the initiative to promote the relationship. She's so tired! However, his parents said, "He is very busy at work. You should understand others. When he is free, you should go to him. You should be sensible and don't always think that others are like you. " She was very angry and felt tired from her work. Why can't her parents see her fatigue?
Scene 3: Xiao Ran feels that he can't hold on any longer and wants to give up this relationship. She was completely devastated. She decided not to send any message to the boy. She told her mother, but she said to her, "I have tried very hard to introduce you." I have been complaining for a few days. "
Obviously, Xiao Ran's emotional needs are neglected in her family, so that she often dares not express her emotional needs with each other in her feelings.
Because she feels that her emotional needs are unreasonable and should not, it will put pressure on the other side. Therefore, in the process of improving the relationship with the other party, she particularly suppressed her inner feelings and needs, and felt that even if she expressed it to the other party, she would be rejected, so she stopped expressing it, but over time, the other party would find it difficult for her to get close and less active.
Because her non-expression is also a kind of rejection to the other party, the other party does not take the initiative.
Xiao Ran's situation is reflected in many girls, which is an expression of feelings that have been neglected since childhood. In order to help you better understand and get out of this dilemma, I think it is necessary to analyze and share with you what emotional neglect is.
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What are the characteristics and feelings of children growing up in an environment where emotions are neglected?
1) often feels "rejected"
Dr. Johannes Weber once put forward a point: If parents don't provide emotional support to their children, and they don't respond, fail to meet or lack their emotional needs, then children will tend to think that others will not provide support when they grow up, resulting in "learned helplessness".
In other words, if our parents don't pay attention to emotional needs, they are insensitive to our emotions and easy to ignore. For example, when they want to comfort, they get accusations and education. Then when we grow up, we will like to hint at each other's emotional needs rather than express them directly, and at the same time we will mistakenly think that the other party already knows our hints and clearly knows our needs.
But in fact, there is no, the other party often doesn't know what our emotional needs are, so that there is no response. Then we will feel that our emotional needs have been rejected again. This is an inertial phenomenon, and your emotional needs will always hit a wall.
2) After experiencing failure, "self-doubt" is particularly strong.
Generally speaking, there are two kinds of self-doubt.
One is to doubt one's own value, such as thinking, "Am I so unworthy of his initiative?" "Am I unworthy of being loved?" "Is he doing this to me because I'm not good enough?" The other is to doubt your feelings. For example, do you doubt whether your emotional needs are reasonable? Will it put too much pressure on each other? Even when the other party meets our needs, we feel guilty. If you find that your characteristics meet my description above, then you may be a neglected child growing up, so you must take a closer look at the following contents!
1) Change your attribution mode.
There is a reason behind every emotion, and the feeling of being ignored is no exception.
When we can identify whether the other person's behavior or my inner feelings have brought us neglect, you can find a positive attribution model.
When you feel rejected or ignored, try asking yourself, "Why do I feel this way? What makes me uncomfortable about this? " When you can't find the exact reason, explain that the reason may not be in this matter, nor in the other person, but in your past similar experience. At this time, you should think back: "When was the last time I had a similar emotion?" what's up "
When you start looking for the memory of the past, you may find that it is very similar to a certain period (or periods) of your childhood experience, and that is the source of your emotions.
Let's go back to reality and re-examine what is happening now to see if we can distinguish between emotions and events. Events are present, and emotions may be brought by past experiences. When you can distinguish clearly, the reaction will become more in line with the present.
2) Self-motivation with love
Children who grow up in emotional neglect generally lack the ability to comfort themselves, and it is easy to avoid external comfort. Therefore, when they are frustrated, it will be difficult for them to forgive themselves, and they will fall into the double blow of self-doubt and self-blame, which will greatly affect the efficiency of their current work, study and life.
In this case, we can try to have a positive dialogue with ourselves: "I will have some very bad ideas, but it is not my fault, and it is not the case." "I allow others not to like me and to stay away from me, but there are still many people around me who love me and they are giving me strength."
By using these methods to reduce the negative voices in your heart, you can get through helplessness and move towards objective rationality.
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3) Get close to people who can give you love and care.
Whether they are your friends, elders or younger generations, you can tell them how you feel and let them listen. You don't even need them to give you any advice, just hug them and let them tell you that your voice is heard by them.
4) Courageously express your emotional needs with each other.
When the other party starts to take the initiative, don't rush to fill the vacancy left by the other party's withdrawal. Try to think, "Did I give the other person a bad emotional experience?" "Is he busy at work? Can I really understand his busyness? "
If the other party can't take action for a long time, then you have to step back a little. Maybe you should think about whether this relationship is appropriate or not. You might as well make an appointment with each other after a period of time to communicate clearly the relationship between your.
If the other person's attitude is still ambiguous, you can quit this relationship and restore your emotional needs in time. Timely stop loss is also a manifestation of being responsible for yourself.
Try more and use the above methods, and you will be able to get rid of the negative effects caused by emotional neglect.
Finally, I hope everyone can send Xiao Ran something you want to say in the message area. Maybe she will see that this is the power you gave her! Or you were an emotionally neglected child. You can also say your voice in the message area, and I can hear your voice.
Illustration | Shen Zhen, Hua Zhen visual designer
The illustrations in this article are not allowed to be used in part or in whole by any organization or individual without the permission of Huacheng.