Dear Sister Mei:
After receiving your letter, I am very grateful for your enthusiasm. At that time, I just wanted to take out my secret and explain it to you in detail. However, since I returned to my hometown, although I looked in the bright mirror every day and never forgot my description, I did forget the whole state of my heart. I seem to have drunk too much wine, and everything has become blurred. In fact, this is not a very strange thing, because as long as you know my situation, what kind of situation, and how my mind is bound, then you can imagine that even if you come here with a very lively spirit, you will become a prisoner under the order and everything will not be free.
I live in the center of the city. A street in the east is the biggest market in this city, with shops on both sides, and people's houses are not visible. Because the market in this place is very small, it is completely rented by the facade of other people's houses. It is conceivable how adjacent this shop is to home. Residents naturally have a lot of inconvenience. After eight o'clock, when the shop door was closed, the shop assistants and bosses put on three or two benches, spread a rattan bed and fell asleep at will. If you come back from outside at night, you will definitely pass by the bed where they sleep. Not only is snoring scary, but the smell of charcoal and sweat makes people vomit. Especially when friends come back from a party, the thick * * * is really easy for people to drink!
I remember once, Sister Yu and I went to the YMCA to see a movie. The movie that day was "Moon Palace Box", in which many beautiful scenery made me numb, drowned by fresh * * *, and relaxed * * * seemed to be in another world. Soon, after the film was shown, we naturally went home. It was almost twelve o'clock. Most of the shops in the street are closed and the lights are silent. There are only three street lamps, which glow faintly like a lone star after dawn, but Sister Yue poses as a peeping cloud, making the world like a cage under a thousand hectares of clear waves. The beautiful scenery that makes people feel far away quietly blends in with the impression of the person on the screen ... but soon she arrived at the door and was frightened by a "snoring". As for the courtyard? In order to save space, we don't plant budding roses and fragrant evening parties, but dirty and broken washbasins and buckets. From this unsightly market to the non-rotatable patio, I only feel that I am being held by my hands and feet. As for the bucket-like house where I live, I tried my best to beautify it, but in the end I was disturbed by the surrounding noise and the crying of the children.
This is really a heavy oppression, which often arouses my nameless anger. I'm impatient to talk to people again. I only curse God's poor placement, which made me run all over the city and couldn't find a rest place for my life. How can I show my spiritual trend in front of my dear Mei Jie?
It's summer again soon, and the sky is full of red clouds. Poor me, not only is my mind cut off, but my body is even more depressed. I really can't support it because I moved to Guling, one of the three mountains in our hometown. Guling is located at the top of an isolated mountain, just like the spire of a pagoda. Looking around the peak, thousands of miles away, you can see rows of houses in Fuzhou city, rough blue sea, looming caves in purple fog and white clouds, and overlapping peaks. On the first day I came to this place, I couldn't help but feel disappointed, as if I had been surrounded by hunters in a dark room for a long time. Once I'm released, I'm glad to see the light of day again. However, when I think back to the past, I can't help crying!
However, the transparent stream, seeing the tide of my spiritual ocean, made it know itself again. How lucky I am to sincerely entrust this tidal shadow to larks and pass it on to Sister Mei thousands of miles away and all those who care about me. When I curse my life, I can't help but feel ashamed and even regret it. It turns out that the universe God gave people is not a place where people come and go. Oh! Sister Mei, I was wrong!
A chicken sings Mao Dian Yue.
When I climbed down the rugged and steep mountain road, I was very tired and had no spare capacity to find the charm of the mountain wind. But when I came to the nursery with her, she was covered with sunset glow and smiled heavily. She came to me and said, "The scenery here is really good. Let's go out and play! " Hearing this, I couldn't help being amused. I have long forgotten that I am tired. Walking along the stone steps, I saw a flat meadow lying quietly under the pine shadow. We sat on the soft green grass together, feeling the cool breeze blowing on our faces, as if it were already late autumn. We sat quietly, nobody said anything, just looked at Yun Fei, and we didn't come back slowly until dusk. After dinner, I spread out the bedding, leaned my head on the pillow and fell asleep. I slept comfortably that night. When I woke up, it was dawn, my light gray clothes were still on, and the white clouds that sealed the rock and the hole were moving. The waning moon on the horizon looks pale and thin, as if Motome stood quietly in the frosty morning. After a few crows, the rhyme is far and interesting. Looking around from the window, mist and smoke are hidden in the forest at the top of the mountain. The houses are strewn at random and the scenery is so beautiful that I, as a prisoner, have been released at once, and the sea of spirits has ebbed and flowed for a long time. I am really just a walking corpse in the crowd!
Linghai is full of tides, lively as Youlong, and even unrestrained. At dawn that day, I got up and stood on the cloister. I don't know what my mood is, but I feel at a loss and lose my autonomy.
I remember one autumn morning five years ago-before dawn, my sister Yi and I lived in an inn by the river-it was time for us to go home from school. I got up early on the first day and walked fifty miles in a sedan chair. It was already dark, so I had to stay in the inn for one night, and the next day I could take a sedan chair in Wuhu. There are only three rooms in that inn, one room, one guest room, one accounting room, and a factory hall behind it, with three or four camp beds lined up for customers to rest at any time. The female guest who lives in this inn has no third person except my sister Yi, so the two of us share a room-the only guest room. As soon as I walked in, I saw the room was gloomy, as if I had never seen the sun. At first glance, there is a small hole less than a foot wide on the wall and a faint light. So this is the window. Yi Jie frowned and said, "Why is it so terrible? Look at these four walls and roofs, which are covered with old newspapers from ten years ago. I don't know how many bugs and lice are hidden in it! ..... "When I heard that, I was so nervous all over. I lifted the broken mat on the wooden bed to have a look, but I felt that the smell was steaming and I dared not sit on it any more. At this time, I suddenly thought of the black shop on the Water Margin, and my heart was even more uneasy. I couldn't sleep that night. I sat stupefied counting money and raising money. Just after midnight, two night watchmans came, and we didn't dare to look at him. We just asked the shopkeeper to explain the history to us, gave him a school business card, and he left without saying a word. Shortly after the night watchman left, he heard many people laughing on our roof. Sister Yi and I looked at each other. We didn't know what to do, but the footman who just sent us away came in and asked us what to eat. We have the fear of black shops in our hearts, because we told him not to eat anything. Sister Yi asked him if there was a building above, and why there were so many people on it. The page said, "This is not a building, but a place where things are piled less than three feet high. They are all addicted to smoking and gambling. " My sister and I were relieved to hear this, but we couldn't sleep all night. After midnight, all the guests upstairs probably fell asleep, because we had already heard snoring. After sitting for a while, we heard chickens crowing in the distance and knew that it was almost dawn. Because we quietly opened the door and looked out, our eyes were full of moonlight, and the wheat show in the rice field outside Maodian was forced by the wind, like blue waves. Sister Yi and I were wandering and watching, and when we gradually heard the villagers rushing to gather early, we also packed our bags and headed for the future.
Lingchao was on the way back to my room, but I didn't realize that at this time, the moon shadow was more oblique, the starlight was weaker, the chicken barked and the dog barked, and all around it should ring. The dense fog in the east is getting thinner and thinner, and the glow is like a rosy glow that a girl is ashamed of. I chose a crack to peep. The red and big sunny Ran Ran rises from the back of the mountain. In an instant, the clouds on the top of the mountain are thousands of miles away and full of blue. Alas! Life is like a floating cloud, and it changes more than this month. Does Mei Jie agree?
Second, it touches people's infinite worries.
Sister! Don't you like pine trees best? In Yanjing, which is full of yellow sand, this is of course lacking, but it is almost everywhere here. People in this tree village don't pay attention to it, and often cut off its branches for firewood, but I like Long Fu Yao Jiao's posture very much. Just in front of my house, there are dozens of big pine trees with arms. Every time the breeze passes by, I hear the surging waves. I looked up at the sky and went straight to my chest. Hey! Green waves! However, now it has become a terrible sound of the waves. Sister! Guess what news it brings? I remember last August, when it was dusk, I still lived in a small building on the shore of the blue sea. We looked along the seawall and saw the sunset full of trees, stirring the wind and waves. Fine foam splashed on the skirt, which was also the sound of surging waves. However, at that time, I only deeply admired the heroic Song Like warrior and its greatness.
I deeply remember that there were five people in the seawall with us, and there was a Ms. J-Mei Jie had never seen her-whose face was very beautiful, especially her nature was really naive, like a little warbler out of its shell. She has never seen a cosmopolitan home. This is the first time she has seen the sea. She was ecstatic and said to me, "The glow on the sea is really beautiful, just like the sparkling soft brocade. When can I get on that boat and invite a trip to a foreign country, I will be worthy of my life. " I smiled and said, "Traveling by sea is really interesting. However, I am most afraid of encountering a storm ... "..." Mrs. J said, "Oh, it would be terrible to encounter a storm. I remember one of my mother's nephews once went to Shanghai from Tianjin and was caught in a hurricane and stayed in the sea for six or seven days. Fortunately, he leaned against an island, otherwise the whole boat would capsize! "When we talked about the storm in the sea, everyone felt nervous, and I seemed to be hinted at and felt uneasy. It suddenly occurred to me that Han once said to me, "Astrologers once decided that he would die of water when he was 28 years old ..." This is naturally a ridiculous association, but I really think that Han's plan to go abroad next year is best not to come true ... At this time, Han is discussing with Duo how to edit the manuscript for his late friend, so I can't interrupt him and tell him my worries. ...
At some point, I didn't realize it was already dark, and it began to rain in Mao Mao. We walked back along the seawall. After dinner, I was leaning against the window and watching the sea. I heard the sound of surging waves and suddenly remembered my sadness. I said to Han, "I hope you won't go abroad next year ..." Han was stunned and said, "Why?" I was asked by him and thought my idea was ridiculous. Stop it! However, I can't. I mumbled, "Don't you remember that astrologers said you should be careful when you are twenty-eight?" ..... "Han listened and laughed:" You are really a little nervous, why did you suddenly think of this! " I was laughed at by him for a while and felt ashamed, so I didn't want to say more … I soon forgot.
The sound of the waves continued, but Han was never involved in the whirlpool, and Han was dragged away by the disease before he was 28 years old. Alas! Not only did astrologers not think of this, but even Han himself did not think of it! When he was on the shore of the blue sea, he planned to arrange manuscripts for his dead friend. He didn't expect that today in the second year, I was sorting out leftovers for him. I copy page by page, and my heart is dizzy. I even took out a stack of incomplete bamboo slips he prepared for his dead friend, and I couldn't help crying! Alas! The unpredictable epiphyllum life, I don't know if I can sort out his complete legacy, and I don't know who will sort out my legacy! Sister! You see, Fengshen is flapping its wings frequently, and Songtao is making countless noises. What news did it bring ... just touching and infinite sadness!
Sunset is at the sad place of willow tree.
The setting sun is all over the mountain, and flowers are blooming. I walked around the mountain road with my nursery, and the path was winding up and down. There is a paddy field in the ravine, and the wheat waves are sky-high and green and pleasing to the eye. Walk through all the fields. Suddenly I saw the strange peak standing on the wall, with a touch of setting sun reflected on it. From here, I turned to the east to explore the secluded path, and suddenly I saw a stone step. When I walked up the steps, it was very dangerous. I hunched over and had a hard time. When I reached the top of the mountain, I looked down at the peaks, all of which were reflected by the faint sun shadow. I took the nursery to sit on the cliff and meditated silently.
I remember it was a very gentle and quiet night scene, and there was no bright moon like a silver basin. It's just a sparse little star with a faint light. When the bell and drum in that temple rippled in the air, there was a solemn and mysterious hint. That group of lively young travelers are holding hands on a mirror-like flat ground in front of the hall, playing hide and seek for fun. Three people and I quietly walked out of the mountain gate, and then we heard the splash of the waterfall. We walked slowly along the stone road, with clear rosin on both sides and uneven shadows. We sang a sad song, and the nursery was a little disappointed. She sighed slightly: "Its moments of beauty ..." She didn't want to talk about it any more, because she changed her words and said: "This scenery is like a night scene in a movie, which is really better than anything else, but I hate that this wonderful scenery always makes me feel infinitely disappointed." I seemed to realize something, so I said, "Pu, guess what the reason is? ..... It is precisely because of the relaxed environment that there is room for manoeuvre in the heart, and the spirit lurking in the bottom of my heart requires natural opportunities to launch; If you are not satisfied, you will feel disappointed. However, this feeling of disappointment is a kind of beauty that always makes me reluctant to give up. " We were talking about each other, only Fred sighed and said nothing. The nursery seems to be very indifferent: "I think that no matter what is described too much, it will lose its aesthetic feeling, and so will the scenery." As long as it is natural. That artificial pile can't stand the cautious appearance ... even if I make friends, I am most afraid of boredom, because I feel ugly when I am tired. Everything in the world is beautiful on the one hand and ugly on the other. If ugliness can be concealed, it will be beautiful and admirable, otherwise it will be evil! " Alas! Sister Mei, what Pu said hit me right in the heart. You should always remember that my friends often think I am cold. In fact, this kind of current sympathy is only a temporary phenomenon. When I think deeply, everything becomes cold! I was very much in favor of Pu's words, but I felt that Fred was a little disappointed at this time. Naturally, she is a passionate person. For the sake of friends, she often sacrifices herself and turns to others for help, which is too cautious. Every move of others, she thinks it's for her, or what's the meaning. She has been very kind to me recently, but my long-standing indifference, although willing to be intimate with her, is always empty. Naturally, she often feels unhappy, but I can't just perfunctory, which is not only sorry for my conscience, but also impatient; However, now she sighs listlessly, and I feel a little uncomfortable. I think god is playing tricks on me too much. Since he gave me such a cold and unbelieving heart, he should not give me such enthusiasm at the same time.
What I will never forget is the day when Fred left us. After lunch, she was busy packing, and I just sat there staring blankly. She told me sadly, "I never feel any nostalgia when I leave this school every summer vacation, but this time is special." I've been sad for a long time, and I can't tell you the taste of' cutting constantly, and the reason is chaotic' ... "She blushed when she spoke. What about me? If it had been Mei Jie five years ago, I would have tears in my eyes, but now my mind seems numb after all my troubles. It's not that I have no sympathy, but I didn't show it much and comforted each other. When I saw her off the school gate, it was a sunset full of trees and misty clouds. I said coldly, "Germany! Look at the setting sun at the willow heartbroken place. " Hearing this, Fred burst into tears, but I was ashamed of my dry tears. I didn't come back quietly until I could no longer see Fred's shadow. Thought of this, but I sighed. The nursery suddenly turned to me and said, "let's go back before the good times are over!" Also leave some endless fun. " Sister! This is a wise saying!
Four cold ashes are lonely, who is warm, and where do the fallen leaves fly?
Sister! My heart is empty after all, but I never want it to be empty, because there is almost no place to rely on in the world, and as for home, I'm afraid there is no home except going out into the "Palace of Death"! An empty heart can't help being timid everywhere. This is obviously a broad road. However, I never dared to move forward calmly. However, independent of the sunset and the gray and silent air, I can't help asking myself: "Who can give me warmth when I am cold and lonely?" Where do the fallen leaves fly? "Mei elder sister! Poor thing, if you fight in Tian Ling with a spear, you won't be exhausted and materialized. Is there any way to get rid of it?
Sometimes I feel that people treat me with friendship, so tell me! However, most of them are inevitable relationships, a sense of responsibility, and all of them are unbearable comfort, which is better than I sometimes submit to humiliation. Alas! It's best not to get involved in these unnatural things, and finally be physically and mentally chic. Now, it's boring to wait in chains to change your face!
But there are too few reliable people in the world, and I am always afraid to break free from this cage and venture boldly. My dream paradise is not to enjoy luxury at the front of renewal, nor at a banquet. I just want two clean and simple huts and a lonely garden with flowers and plants, so that I can drink tea, watch autumn leaves and feel the tide of the sea under the clear window to show my love to my dear friends. Alas! What I expect is not extravagant, but I still have a long-cherished wish. The years are in a hurry and I will regret it when I know it. Although I also know that in this world, there are many people who lead a drunken life. They are proud of a group of young people who are upside down for them. How intoxicated and confused young people are when they fall madly at their feet and ask for their smiles. Oh! Sister! Of course, you remember the excitement when you and I were in Meidong. We talked about our future careers. You said that you hoped that the God of Poetry could give you wings, let you fly high, pick some fairy fruits and give them to a world that has long since disliked delicious food. What an extraordinary interest this is. However, now you are standing next to the new grave where you hate the tragic day of Thailand, and you look up with tears. Oh! Sister! Have you opened the thick curtain of the world and seen the last secret? If yes, please don't go into details! I also beg you to get drunk for a while and take the illusion as a reality! Not to mention the news of "Where the fallen leaves fly", because I can't believe that you can ask for so-called support and home in this world!
Sister! As long as I live for one day, my spiritual sea will ebb and flow, and I am particularly afraid to look back on the dusty past. However, I don't know what to say to you except the aftertaste of the past! I am now and I will always be. Really like the rest of the scum. The ruthless world certainly hates me, but I also hate this world!
Sister! Naturally, I want to thank you for calling me. You want me to go to Beijing again and promise to cry with me under the wind and rain. Alas! We are indeed cowards in the world, and we are bound to die of disappointment! ... Mei Jie! I am so excited about this, a bald pen is unbearable!
(Originally published in Novel Monthly, Vol. 17,No. 1 1, 1926)