Endowed with eternal regret
Ji Xianlin
About the author
Ji Xianlin (1911～2009) was born in Linqing, Shandong. Xibu, also known as Qizang, is a famous Chinese litterateur, linguist, educator, social activist, translator, and essayist. He is proficient in 12 languages. In 1946, he returned from studying in Germany and was hired as a professor at Peking University, where he founded the Department of Oriental Languages. In 1956, he was elected as a member of the Department of Philosophy and Social Sciences of the Chinese Academy of Sciences. In 1978, he was appointed Vice President of Peking University. In 1998, "Miscellaneous Memories of the Cowshed" was published, which was considered to be "a book bought with blood and tears and written with tears. This is the best gift left to future generations by a great master." Ji Xianlin's academic research, in his own words, is: "The research on Sanskrit, Buddhism, and Tocharian literature are simultaneously carried out, and the research on Chinese literature, comparative literature, and literary theory are flying together." His works are compiled into "Collected Works of Ji Xianlin", ***24 roll.
The topic was given by Miss Han Xiaohui, so it is called "Fu De". But the article was written willingly, so it is not stereotyped writing. Why am I willing to write such an article? In a word, the title is well chosen, and it not only really won my heart, but also won my heart first: I have wanted to write something like this for a long time.
I have reached the age of nine. In the past seventy or eighty years, from the countryside to the city; from domestic to foreign countries; from primary school, middle school, university to foreign research institute; from "ambitious to learn" to more than "doing what one wants without going beyond the rules", with many twists and turns, The road was full of ups and downs. I walked through Yangguan Avenue and a small single-plank bridge. I passed through "mountains and rivers and there is no doubt about the road", and saw "a village with dark flowers and bright flowers". I felt joy and sadness, disappointment and hope. Fei, I have a lot of experience. When it comes to regrets, they are everywhere. I have to choose the deepest, truest, and most unforgettable regret among them, that is, the eternal regret. It is also within easy reach, because it has never left my heart for a moment.
My eternal regret is: I should not have left my hometown and my mother.
I was born in an extremely poor village in northwest Shandong. Our family is the poorest of the poor. It can really be said that we are poor without a foothold. During the ten years of catastrophe, I personally stood up against the rebellious but popular "Lafayette" from Peking University. She regarded him as a thorn in her side and wanted to get rid of him quickly. Her minions came to my hometown twice and deliberately tried to "beat" me into a landlord. Their vicious teacher airs did not intimidate my fellow villagers. One of my childhood friends pointed at their noses and said loudly: "If the whole Guanzhuang family were to complain, Ji Xianlin's family would be the first!"
This sentence is not an exaggeration, it says is the truth. My grandparents died young, leaving my father and three brothers alone and helpless. The youngest uncle gave it away. My father and uncle Jiu were so hungry that they had no choice but to go to other people's jujube forests to pick up dried jujubes that fell on the ground to satisfy their hunger. This is certainly not a long-term solution. In the end, the brothers were forced to leave their hometown and migrate to Jinan to make a living. At this time, they were only in their teens and twenties. In a big city with no friends, Uncle Jiu must have gone through a lot of hardships and settled in Jinan. So my father returned to his hometown and said he was a farmer, but he had no land to cultivate. It must be that after all the hardships, Uncle Jiu sometimes sent some money home from Jinan, and his father relied on it to make a living. Somehow, I found (pronounced if xín) a wife, and she was my mother. My mother’s maiden name is Zhao, and she is from the same family. Her family is almost as poor as ours, otherwise we would never get married. Her family doesn't have enough food to eat, so how can she have the money and time to go to school? So my mother didn't know a word and lived her whole life without even a name. Her home was on another village, five miles away from our village. This five miles was the longest distance my mother had ever walked in her life.
That person at Peking University who "Lafayette" wanted to "beat" into a "landlord", that is, me, was born in such a family and had such a mother.
Later I heard that our family had indeed been "rich" for a while.
The ancients said: "The tree wants to be quiet but the wind does not stop; the child wants to be nourished but cannot be kissed." This sentence applies to me. I can't bear to imagine how my mother missed her beloved son when she was dying; when I think about it, my heart will break and my eyes will fill with tears. When I rushed back to Jinan from Peiping, and then back to Qingping from Jinan for the funeral, I saw my mother's coffin and the simple house. I really wanted to hit my head on the coffin and die with my mother underground. I regret, I really regret, I should never have left my mother. No matter what reputation, status, happiness, or honor in the world, nothing can compare to staying by your mother's side, even if she doesn't know a word, even if she eats "red" all day long.
This is my "eternal regret".