A teacher asked the students: "What is the next sentence of "Who has never died in life since ancient times." The student replied mischievously: "Who has no shit in life since ancient times, and who does not use paper to shit." This student is obviously not good. He only knows how to make trouble when studying, but he doesn’t know that using paper for defecation has become popular only in the past hundred years. The ancients did not use paper when defecating and wiping their butts. Toilet chips are one way to do this.
What is a toilet chip? If you have heard of SuanChou and GongChou, you should know that the Gambling Chip is a stick, the SuanCho is used for arithmetic, and the GongChou is used for drinking orders. From this, we can infer that the toilet chips were placed in the toilet. No matter how much the ancients forgot about food and sleep, they would As for doing math problems and drinking and giving orders when going to the toilet, this toilet chip has a more important purpose than doing math problems: wiping buttocks.
The patent for this method of wiping buttocks should belong to the Indians. The great Buddha Sakyamuni also advocated it. There was a monk who wiped his buttocks after defecation and cut his anus because he was not skilled in it. , looked in pain during class. When the Buddha learned about it, he immediately changed the content of the class and specifically talked about the method of wiping the buttocks. The Buddha said that after using the toilet, you should wipe it carefully with a toilet chip, and you should not rub it on the wall, nor use stones, grass, or Clods of soil and exotic flowers and plants. Moreover, the Buddha also made special regulations for the specific material specifications of toilet chips: "The materials used are wood, bamboo and reed. The method of measurement is to use one hammer for the longest one, and four fingers for the short one." One has to admire the meticulousness of the Buddha. Down to the smallest detail.
With the introduction of Buddhism during the Han Dynasty, this advanced butt-wiping technology also flowed into our country, and was especially sought after by the upper class. Many emperors, generals and ministers were very fond of this "foreign product"—— I never thought that our tradition of worshiping foreigners started with wiping our butts.
For example, "The Book of Northern Qi" records that Emperor Gao Yang of the Northern Qi Dynasty used toilet chips, and the toilet chips he used had to be cut and delivered to him by Prime Minister Yang Min himself. When he pooped, he would ask Prime Minister Yang Min to hold them. Standing aside with a toilet chip, this idea is obviously copied from Sun Hao's method of using a golden man to hold a toilet chip, but Gao Yang learned and used it. Maybe you think Yang Min, the prime minister, is really a coward, but official affairs cannot be treated with common sense, because toilet chips are the leader's personal belongings. Being able to do these private things for the leader shows the leader's trust. No wonder Yang Min assisted Gao Yang until his death. .
However, compared with Li Yu, the empress of the Southern Tang Dynasty, it was really not a big deal for the prime minister to cut the toilet chips. The romantic poet Li Yu took his wife Xiao Zhou with the dignity of an emperor and personally cut the toilet chips for the monks. Toilet chip, that's not all. After peeling the toilet chip, for fear of damaging the noble anus of the monks, the couple personally took the toilet chip and rubbed it on their faces to remove the slight thorns, and then trimmed it. It was probably because of his piety that he moved the Buddha, who developed his hobby and used his poems to add a bit of poignancy to the Chinese world.
In the Tang Dynasty, toilet chips also became military supplies. Han Huang, a famous painter during the reign of Emperor Dezong of the Tang Dynasty, was very conscientious when he was a military governor and provided items for the troops. He was not even careful about items like toilet chips. Record them one by one, lest you forget them. It’s really rare for an artist to be able to be so meticulous as an official. If Li Yu could do this, he might be able to sleep soundly next to Zhao Kuangyin's bed for a few more years. Fortunately, he still claimed to be the emperor of Tang Dynasty, but he couldn't even learn from a military governor.
This is a matter for people who have money and leisure. Ordinary people do not have that kind of leisure and ambition. Their livelihood is still a problem. They will never sharpen a stick just to wipe their butts. They use Things are more complicated.
There was a scholar named Hu Yinglin in the Ming Dynasty. Someone told him that men and women in the Anping area wiped their butts with rubble. Hu Yinglin remembered it hard and immediately remembered that Anping belonged to Boling during the Tang Dynasty. In "The Romance of the West Chamber" Cui Yingying was from there, and she immediately joked: "It's really heartbreaking to have Yingying's fine-skinned and tender buttocks wiped with rubble." As a senior intellectual, Hu Yinglin said this, which was a bit embarrassing. Disgusting.
Cui Yingying, hehehe
But he also told the truth. When paper was still a luxury product, wiping one's buttocks was an embarrassing problem all over the world.
Some people use purely natural things. Anything you can find at hand can be used to wipe your butt.
For example, people on the seaside use shells to wipe their buttocks, people in the inland use leaves, straw and other things, and bandits who gather in the mountains and forests use moss. The first immigrants to the Americas fell in love with corn at first sight and used corn cobs to wipe their butts. Since corn cobs were rough, they soaked them in water before using them. At that time, there was probably a bucket of corn in the toilets of American immigrants. core. The most creative people in this regard were the ancient Romans. They used fungus to wipe their buttocks. The fungus is soft and thick and should be much more comfortable to wipe than corn cobs. It is really smart.
Some people use fully automatic creatures to wipe their butts. The name sounds very modern, but the method is ancient, because this fully automatic tool is none other than a loyal friend of mankind: the dog. After defecating, call the dog over, lick it and clean it quickly. However, this fully automatic tool has certain dangers. It is said that every time Li Lianying pooped when he was a child, his mother would call their "Huang Gai" - a little yellow dog to come and lick his butt. One day, "Huang Gai" would probably Feeling that the shit was far less delicious than meat, he saw that a piece of meat on Li Lianying's crotch seemed superfluous, so he bit it off and created a good slave for the Empress Dowager Cixi.
Compared to Li Lianying, Peter I's butt-wiping tool was a bit semi-automatic. This reformer had unique hobbies. He did not use any cloth or wool, but used goosenecks, and they had to be newly slaughtered. It can be seen that The trembling of the flesh on his neck means that every time he goes to the toilet, one goose must suffer. If the reformer's anus is wider, one goose may not be enough. It’s really spectacular to think back that the Russian imperial palace had to raise a large flock of geese to serve as toilet paper for the emperor.
As for inventions, the earliest invention patent should belong to the Romans. The Romans not only used fungus, but also invented something. They tied a sponge to a stick and soaked it in water to wipe their buttocks. It's soft, clean and easy to clean. It's really smart. It's a pity that this invention of the Romans was not popularized. The invention of the French royal palace in the Middle Ages pales in comparison. The emperor of the romantic city used a rope hanging from the beam, and after defecating, he pulled it to his crotch and rubbed it. This rope is still recycled. The emperor uses it for the queen, and the queen uses it for the ministers. It is really economical. Over time, the rope must have become as bright as gold.
The rich and wealthy people who use luxury items and are full of food are naturally very particular about the anus and are reluctant to use it when others cannot use it. The ropes in the French royal palace were abandoned by the time of Louis XIII. The emperor began to use merino wool, and Louis XIV switched to mesh-like silk fabrics for wiping his buttocks. However, the mesh must not be very large, otherwise the emperor would definitely have a hand." gold".
Some foreign scholars suspect that the Chinese emperor used silk to wipe his buttocks. This is completely subjective. Although China is rich in silk, it should not be used to wipe his buttocks. This is not because the emperor is frugal, but because Silk is so smooth and not good at absorbing water, so it probably won't be clean even if you rub it over and over. The favorite of Chinese emperors is the toilet chips imported from India. Imagine that even rogue emperors such as Sun Hao Gaoyang used toilet chips. The rest of the palace nobles who are not so gangsters probably will not make a fuss in this regard.
It is recorded in "Yu Lin" that all toilet chips used by Shi Chong were packed with tips and held by beautiful women standing aside. As we all know, Shi Chong was a famous bully landlord in history and always liked to show off his wealth, but For such a man who earns tens of thousands of dollars a day, all he uses is toilet chips, and his luxury is only packed in a kit bag. This shows that he is not stupid enough that modern people only buy expensive ones without choosing the right ones. However, Ming Xiaozong did use silk and satin in the Ming Dynasty, but the silk he used to wipe his buttocks was not the high-quality silk produced in Jiangsu and Zhejiang areas, but a palm-sized piece of cloth spun by wild silkworms in Sichuan. It should be as rough as homespun cloth and as soft as silk. It absorbs water, which meets the needs of his butt. Every time he uses it, he throws it away.
A eunuch saw it with pity, so he collected the cloth used by the emperor, washed away the "dragon feces", and sewed a door curtain. The result was seen by the emperor. When the emperor learned that these door curtains turned out to be From under his buttocks, he "gathered his armpits into fur." ??He became more frugal and stopped using cloth. This short-lived luxury is over.
It is said that Cai Lun invented papermaking in my country at the end of the Eastern Han Dynasty, and it should have become a substitute for toilet chips. Why have people continued to use toilet chips for thousands of years?
This question is very simple. The Chinese nation is a country of etiquette and civilization. Cai Lun invented paper for writing history and articles, not for wiping buttocks. Therefore, paper has been regarded as a wiping tool for many years. As for the forbidden items on the buttocks, in addition to the official stipulation that old writing paper must be strictly respected and cherished, there are also many folk "laws of cherishing writing" that specifically warn people to cherish writing paper.
Later, I probably felt that just talking about the "Law of Cherishing Calligraphy" was not enough, so I used a big flag to make a tiger skin and brought out Emperor Wenchang. In the tone of Emperor Wenchang, he warned people to respect calligraphy paper and said that everyone should cherish calligraphy paper. If you do it, you will definitely become a high official and enjoy wealth, if not, you will definitely suffer retribution and so on. With such ideological indoctrination, how dare people wipe their butts with paper?
It wasn’t until the Yuan Dynasty that the Mongols came from outside the Great Wall and paid no attention to these taboos. Only then did they break the deadlock and change the use of paper from metaphysical to metaphysical. However, the paper at this time is probably still very hard. It is recorded in the history of the Yuan Dynasty that a queen was very filial to the queen mother. Every time she balled up the dirty paper, she would rub it on her face to make sure it would not cause any harm to her buttocks before offering it to her. Queen Mother - This kind of pretentious behavior is obviously imitating Li Yu.
After all, relying on the queen’s face is too inefficient. In the Ming Dynasty, in order to improve quality and efficiency, the royal family specially set up the "Dauchi Toilet Paper Factory" - Baochao Division to produce royal toilet paper (at that time (called dirty paper), which greatly improved the quality and production efficiency of toilet paper. Since then, paper has gradually highlighted class differences in the issue of wiping buttocks.
Nobles like Cixi are very particular about the use of paper. The paper she uses is white cotton paper. She cuts it first, then asks the palace maid to spray a thin mouthful of saliva on it, and then irons it with an iron. It has to be soft, clean and angular, so that it can be used to wipe Lafayette's butt. But although the toilet paper of this perverted old woman is exquisite, it is not expensive. The person who used the most expensive paper should be Peter the Great of Russia. This emperor not only used goosenecks, but also used the most expensive paper: banknotes.
In 1717, Peter the Great of Russia visited France. He went to the toilet in a hotel in Paris. He was in a foreign country, did not bring a goose, and could not use the goose neck. In desperation, he took out a hundred-dollar franc to solve the problem. " "It's so urgent." After using it, he gave the filthy piece of paper to his manservant. The manservant actually had a lot of backbone and said, "People with lofty ideals don't want to bring shit money." He refused to accept it. The emperor was so shameless that he had to throw the money on the ground. When the gatekeeper heard about this, he tried his best to encourage the footman to pick up the money. He said: "You can buy drinks with it as much as new money."
Judging from the story of Peter the Great, foreigners had already begun to use paper at this time, but they should have used ordinary waste paper. It was not until a hundred years later that the Americans took the lead in introducing a single sheet of special toilet paper. In 1879, the British People improved it and invented rolls of toilet paper, but the public did not accept their new thing at first, and sales were extremely poor.
It wasn’t until 1907 when Scott Company launched toilet paper, which they advertised and promoted vigorously, that toilet paper found its way into every toilet, gradually becoming the dominant product, and quickly took over, becoming the most popular method of wiping the buttocks. Way. This truly created a good situation: "Since ancient times, whoever has no shit in life has no need for paper when shitting."
That naughty student is ignorant and has no skills. He pretends to make shocking remarks and makes himself the laughing stock. If I were that teacher, I would warn him: "Youth is like toilet paper, there is a lot of it." , use it and it will disappear. Don’t mistake ignorance for coolness.”