I woke up in the middle of the night and felt my husband hugging me. I was so happy! I thought to myself: This guy is usually pretty cool, but I didn’t expect that he was accidentally exposed while sleeping. So I was very touched, and just as I was about to enjoy his hug, I heard him say in a daze: "Honey! It's so cold!" I wanted to kick him out of bed.
One day, my husband and I were watching TV together. The actress on TV is dancing ballet. My husband said to me: "Honey, you are also very suitable for ballet." I was secretly happy! I thought: My husband must think I have a good figure. But I wanted him to praise me directly, so I calmed down and continued to ask him: "Why do you think I am suitable for ballet?" My husband said in a serious and professional tone: "No ballet dancer can have too big breasts." I didn't immediately Roll off the chair.
After getting up at the weekend, I talked with my husband about the recent spending problems. I felt that we often spend money randomly, which is not good, so we decided to get rid of the problem of spending money randomly. In the evening, my husband accompanied me to the supermarket. I saw the Shaqima I liked and didn’t know which brand to buy, so I picked one at random for 4.8 yuan. Just when I was about to reach out to get it, I heard my husband keep shouting: "4.6 yuan, 4.6 yuan." Hearing this, I couldn't help laughing. It seemed like he was serious about our plan to save money.
One morning, when I had a rest and my husband went to work, I sent him to the elevator door. The elevator door opened and I turned to go home. I heard my husband calling me from behind. I turned around and saw my husband standing in front of the elevator door, with one foot raised to block the elevator door. He came over and said to me naughtily: "There is no one in my wife, kiss me!" I was so angry and funny!
Once, while I was combing my hair in the mirror, I said to my husband: "You said it would be great if my husband came back from get off work every day to cook and wash clothes, and then I would not have to do anything except go to work." My husband left He came to me and kept shaking me and said: "Honey, wake up quickly, wake up quickly, it's getting late." I was completely defeated by my husband.
My husband and I like to watch movies together, but it’s painful every time we have to change movies, especially in winter, when we don’t want to get out of bed. So, every time the screen stopped, I immediately pretended to be sleeping on my side and snoring; when my husband saw it, he insisted on getting out of bed and changing himself. As soon as the disc was put into storage, I woke up immediately, pretended to be sleepy and said, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? Do you want to change the disc? I get it, I get it, I get it. My husband said I was too bad. Every few days, I forget about it. When I was changing the disc, I was about to call him, but he was already sleeping on his side. Of course he was like this too, which made me laugh to death.
After washing the dishes, I brushed the stainless steel pot very hard. It's finally brighter than when I first bought it. So very! My husband was standing on the stool on the balcony to dry clothes, and I excitedly held the pot to show him. He tilted his head and looked at the pot very carefully, but he didn't praise me. When asked, he nonchalantly ran a hand through his hair. "Well, this young man is quite handsome...".
At first my wife said she couldn’t cook. I said, "No, I can do it." As a result, now I have done it! Ha ha.
He picked me up after get off work and I clamored for bananas. I found that two girls from the company were also buying. I knew them well, but he didn't know any of them. I shouted to them: "Great! Don't I need to buy it?" The girl generously handed me a bag of bananas: "Eat whatever you want!" I only broke one, and the girl said: "Get more! No. You're welcome!" He also said: "Take two roots!" Colleague Zheng Wei quickly echoed: "Take more!" He said no, two is enough. I broke off another one, wondering how he could embarrass me like this, but he handed me the net bag, then handed two bananas to his colleagues, and said seriously: "Thank you!" "When I went to work at noon the next day, everyone wanted to I laugh wildly just thinking about it...
My husband likes to hide at home and let me find him, but the house is so small that I can easily find him every time. One time before going to bed, he turned off the lights ( The light switch was at a certain distance from the bed). After turning it off, he quickly squatted on the ground. Although he could see clearly (night vision was good), I was silent. I saw him squatting for a while and then climbed onto the bed. .I held back my laughter.
When he carefully climbed onto the bed and leaned out, I jumped at him and shocked him! Haha, laugh wildly!
In the eyes of my husband, I am notoriously short-sighted and have a low IQ. But sometimes, he will be fooled by me. The day before yesterday, we got separated in front of a busy shopping mall, but I found him looking back nervously. I walked up behind him and called his name. He turned suddenly. I pretended not to see him, but shouted. I also exhibited fear and anxiety. He smiled happily, hugged me and said, "Oh, idiot!" Oh, how sweet!
I remembered another thing: I was walking in the yard with my husband after dinner last night, and suddenly I saw a cockroach on the road. I shouted: "Husband, step, step, step to death!" Then I stretched out my foot to step on it, and my husband said: "Oh, it's Xiao Qiang, let go." "This makes me feel cruel and heartless.
My husband took the shuttle bus home and the road was blocked. He texted me and asked me to take a detour home. I texted him back and said, because If you are stuck in a traffic jam, you can sleep in the car. He replied: No! How scary it is to dream about you!
One day, I saw the Chinese team losing in a sports competition, and I said with all my heart: "In the future, I want my children to practice sports and win glory for the country! !" My husband looked up at my book and said, "Then let him practice weightlifting. Let’s see if it works! "Hoho...
One day, my husband and I discussed a silly topic that everyone will discuss: "Should I be a man or a woman in my next life." I thought about it for a long time and said: "I will do it in my next life. Man, let me serve you as a woman!" My husband gave me a twisted look and said, "You have been saying this all your life"...
My husband and I shot a mouse at home yesterday. My husband was very brave and trampled the mouse to death. I praised him for his bravery, but he said sadly: "Hey, I feel so sad when I think of Shuke and Beta when we were young!"
This is the first time I cooked for my husband, but my cooking skills are really not good. The dishes are irrelevant. My husband is so cute. He lowered his head to comfort me and said that it had nothing to do with his wife. He just wanted to feed me and clothe me. I didn’t ask for a well-off life.
I don’t know why I got into an argument with LG when I was knitting a scarf for LG. I told him angrily: "I won't knit a scarf for you!""
"Then who are you knitting for? "LG glared at me.
"It's up to me! Even if I donate it to the disaster area, I won’t give it to you! ”
“Donate to disaster areas? LG frowned: "I just dislike your craftsmanship, why bother the people in the disaster area." ”
I have taught geography that Fushun, Liaoning produces the most coal, and Anshan, Liaoning, so Fushun is called China’s “Coal Capital” and Anshan is called the “Iron Capital.” In an exam, the test paper showed that China The coal of China is (black), and the iron of China is (hard). What literary work is this? A classmate filled in: Harry Potter. Another time, I asked Zuo Zhongyi what his name was, and a classmate wrote: Zuo Lengchan.
3. A political topic: Chinese research ship () goes to the Arctic for inspection. My answer: Titanic.
4. Explain the word "die". I answer: "Go to hell" (I want to write. "Death"), the teacher was furious...
5. When I was in elementary school, a classmate recited a poem. The first three lines were very difficult to memorize and the last line: "A line of egrets went west. "Dizzy in class!
6. In the Chinese language test of the first year of high school, "When * * * cuts the candle at the west window", fill in the following sentences. I answered: "The husband and wife sat together until dawn. "Correct answer: "Late Rain Time".
7. In a Chinese language test, the "fill in the blank" poem in Bai Juyi's "Peach Blossoms at Dalin Temple" is the sentence "(). The correct answer should be "Always hate nothing." Looking for spring home everywhere." One of my classmates in the front row suddenly filled out "I have always hated village girls who are nowhere to be found."
8. In the biology exam, I asked what a cell diagram is, and the correct answer is "female fruit fly". Someone in my class answered "Female fruit fly." The biology teacher held a meeting to study for n half a day and decided to give 0 points.
9. When I was in high school, I also filled in the next line of the poem.
The last sentence was: "Friends and relatives in Luoyang are like asking each other." One of my classmates filled in: "Just say I am in Yueyang Tower."
10. In a high school Chinese language test, I also filled in the following sentence: "The mayfly shakes the tree, ()". One of my classmates wrote: Don’t move. is consistent with the facts.
11. High school, biology exam, question: What is the digestive type of chicken? I won't. Answer: Chicken type! As a result, the teacher named and criticized the whole class!
12. The last sentence is: "Egrets fly in front of Xisai Mountain". The students couldn't hold it in for a long time, so they scrawled: "Turtle crawling by the East Village"!
13. For the high school Chinese exam, write down an ancient poem. The last sentence was: "When the mountain flowers bloom", one person in our class actually filled in: I will try my best to pick flowers.
14. In the junior high school Chinese language test, the question asked about the name of Mr. Lao She’s masterpiece. One classmate couldn't remember it, so I told him: teahouse. As a result, the man heard: teapot lid. Got scolded by the teacher!
In 17, there was another math test. The last big question was to use two solutions to determine which one is correct. I thought about it for a long time, but couldn't figure it out. By the way, I mentioned a few words: Fairness is fair! The old woman said, the old woman was right! Listen, it doesn't matter! It makes sense when you think about it... As a result, my math teacher read my solution to all four classes she taught in the grade, and I became famous!
At 18, the high school Chinese class was teaching Mao Zedong's "Yong Mei", which required memorization for early self-study. The teacher ordered someone to answer: "——She was laughing in the bushes, XX answered!" "XX was eating and was speechless for a long time, but he said: "Laugh, don't make a sound!" "The whole class laughed!
20. Write the following sentence for the exam: "I was born to be useful." A genius student replied: "The son of a mouse can dig holes. "All the Chinese teachers in our office laughed so hard!
How are you? Why are you? How old are you? Why is it always you?
22. A Chinese student He witnessed a traffic accident in California. Out of curiosity, he never left. The police came and asked him if he knew what happened. He said: One car came and one car left. The car died.
One day, Xiao Qiang went to the movie ticket office and found that a foreigner was talking to the ticket seller for a long time, so he volunteered to be a translator. Tell her that the tickets are sold out and only standing tickets are left. If you want to watch them, you must stand and watch them. Xiao Qiang turned to the foreigner and said: No, sit and watch. If you see them, stand and watch. The foreigner replied: I'm sorry, I don't understand your English. Xiao Qiang said to the conductor: Oh, he said he didn't understand English.
The little white rabbit raped the big bad wolf while he was sleeping. When chasing out, the little white rabbit quickly rolled on the ground and turned into a gray rabbit. He took a copy of "Southern Metropolis Daily" and pretended to read the newspaper. At this time, the wolf caught up here and stopped and asked: "Gray rabbit, did you see a little white rabbit passing by? The little white rabbit replied: "Is it the rabbit that raped the wolf?" The wolf said: "Damn, it took so long to retaliate?" "
A snake touched another snake and asked his brother, are we poisonous? The other snake said: I don't know. Why do you ask? The snake said I accidentally bit my tongue... .
What to do if you catch mosquitoes alive in the summer? 1. Send him to school. 3. Buy him a wife. 5. Take care of him. Child. What else can you do? After all, it is your blood.
Xiao Ming returned to the classroom and said to the teacher: There are many ants in the toilet. The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant. , so he asked Xiao Ming: What did the ant say? Xiao Ming looked confused... and then said: The ant said nothing...
One day, Eggplant was walking on the street and suddenly sneezed. .
It wiped its nose and said angrily: "It's taking pictures again!"
Classic dialogue:
My seven-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me and said: "Auntie "Why are your breasts so small?" I asked, "Which one is smaller? How small?" The little niece looked at me pitifully and comforted me: "It's okay, mine is also small..."
4. I like a child in the small class very much. I always tease him and ask him: "What is your mother's name?" He finally spit out the name xxx. "So, what's your father's name?" He said two words happily: "Husband!!"
Yu said: "I keep my eyes open all the time because I want to leave your side. "The water said: "I have been flowing tirelessly all day long, wanting to hug you." The pot said: "It's almost fucking mature and you are still so stubborn."
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese. People were exploring in the jungle, and they were all caught by the cannibal tribe, but the tribe chief said: "I am in a good mood today and don't want to eat you, but you all must get a hundred boards, but before you get the boards, you A wish can come true.” The Americans were the first to step onto the springboard. He said: "Before taking the board, put 10 mats on my butt." The mats and boards fell like raindrops on the 70 boards in front. After 70 boards, the mats were smashed, and then the boards were bloody... Finished After that, the United States always walked away with its butt in hand. After seeing this, the Japanese also asked for 10 mattresses, 1, 2, 3...65, 438,000. After the beating, the Japanese stood up and patted their butts, then opened their mouths and boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate. I want to sit and watch.
The Americans, British, Chinese, and Japanese came together to discuss their own military affairs.
The Japanese said: "We uphold the Bushido and are not afraid of sacrifice. I dare you to test your marksmanship with an apple on your head."
It was he who put an apple on his head superior.
The American turned around and walked back 20 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:
"I am Hunter."
The Japanese put another apple on his head.
The British turned around and walked back 50 steps, then walked back with a gun, and the apple was smashed. He proudly said:
"I am Boone (Bond)."
The Japanese put a small apple on their head.
The Chinese turned around, took three steps back, then turned around and fired, and his head was blown off. He proudly said:
"I'm sorry."
15: Two dung beetles were discussing the welfare lottery. a said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within a 50-mile radius and eat enough every day! b said: You are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will keep a living person and eat fresh food every day!
23: The director and the section chief took the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn't do it... The section chief was dismissed soon after, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford it. What are you for?
50: There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. The penguin plucks its feathers one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear: "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled out his hair one by one, turned to the penguin and said: "It's so cold!"
A After watching the 100-meter race for black people, the old lady wiped away tears and said, "It's so scary." Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot. They fired without aiming. The kids were so scared that they couldn't stop the rope!
A priest was playing golf and a nun was watching. The first shot missed. The priest cursed: "TMD, missed again!" It hit again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD, missed again!" The nun said, "God will punish you for swearing as a priest." "As soon as he finished speaking, he heard a thunder blast and killed the nun. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I kill the nun? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I missed it too! ””
6. One day, Clinton’s wife Chirac was taken to see God. She found that there were many watches hanging in God's living room, some running very fast and some running slowly.
So she asked the servant of God: "Why does God collect so many watches? And these watches don't go so fast?"
The servant of God said: "These watches represent human life. Everyone in the world There is a watch. If he has many affairs, his watch will run fast, but if he has no affairs, his watch will run slowly." After hearing this, Chirac looked around and said. : "Why didn't you see my husband Clinton's watch?" God's servant said: "Your husband's watch was taken to the office by God as an electric fan!
Four Father Tang took a plane to travel , the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.
So, Tang Seng said, let’s answer the question. If we can’t answer it, we will jump.
Tang Seng: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky? ?
Wukong: One.
Tang Seng: Okay, here you go.
Tang Seng: How many moons are there in the sky? p>Sha Seng: One.
Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one too.
Bajie is so happy for such a simple question.
Tang Seng: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?
Bajie jumped down. Not long after, the four of them flew to travel again, and they still had only one star. Three parachutes.
They continued to answer questions.
Wukong, when was the People's Republic of China founded?
Wukong: 1949. >
Tang Seng: OK.
Tang Seng: Sha Seng, how many people died in the liberation war?
Tang Seng: Two and a half million people. >
Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one too.
Tang Seng: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people? Bajie has to dance again.
The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again, and an accident happened during the trip.
At this time, Bajie said, Master, you don’t have to ask.
Then. Just jump.
Tang Monk clasped his hands: Amitabha, this time there are four parachutes
Police and rabbits
To test the United States, Hong Kong and mainland China police. The United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests to see who could find the rabbit first.
In front of the first forest was the American police. After half a day of meeting to formulate a combat plan and strictly divide the work, the special forces were quickly sent into the forest to conduct a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed and the mission failed!
Then it was the Hong Kong police’s turn! They sent more than 100 people and dozens of police cars to line up outside the forest. The leader shouted through the loudspeaker: "Rabbit, rabbit, you are surrounded, come out and surrender..." After a long time, there was still no movement from the Flying Tigers. Entering the forest to search again, the mission failed! ! !
In the end, there were only four Chinese policemen playing mahjong. At dusk, a man walked into the forest with a baton. Within five minutes, he heard an animal scream coming from the forest. A Chinese policeman came out chatting and laughing with a cigarette in his mouth, dragging a black bear behind him. The bear was dying and said: "Stop playing, I am a rabbit..."