In order to let her son learn to be independent, this is not the first time that a mother has beaten her child. She confessed a lot and said something every day. The youngest son has listened to what his mother said, but he still doesn't want to do anything, as if he were doing it for others.
Every parent wants their children to be independent and self-reliant. However, if they supervise their youngest son to do that every day, just like the mother mentioned above, the child will only form a deformed independence-passive independence.
Passive independence occupies the hearts of most children.
It is hard for parents to understand that they rack their brains every day and try their best to teach their children independence, but let them form passive independence? Seemingly confused, in fact, if you think about it carefully, the reason is very simple.
The interpretation of the word "independence" in Chinese is: not to be attached or subordinate, to do something independently or by one's own strength. Focusing on the word strength, we can understand it as "inner strength, and the power of action."
Explained here, I think parents will understand that children can be independent, in addition to his self-action strength, but also rely on his own inner strength. What is inner strength? Is to do something spontaneously, willingly and responsibly.
At this time, parents can ask themselves questions. How much inner strength have you interfered with children?
Parents thought ahead of time about what their children could have done by themselves and told them how to do it. More than half of the children's inner strength is forced by their parents. Even if a child completes independence by self-action, it is also a passive independence. It is not a good thing for children not to give full play to their inner strength.
Passive independence erodes children's growth like a virus.
0 1. Loss of self-responsibility
The biggest influence of parents' passive independence on children is that children can never relate their actions to their sense of responsibility.
"Mom, I'm so tired of brushing my teeth myself."
"Brush your teeth when you are tired, and mom can't help you brush."
"But mom, you told me to brush my teeth!"
Short conversations can be seen everywhere in life. It can be seen that the mother wants her children to brush their teeth independently, but the children are unwilling to do so. What's even more embarrassing is that the child gave an absurd reason: "My mother asked me to brush my teeth, so I didn't …".
Many children seem to be independent, but they have no sense of responsibility in doing things. Why? It is because parents instill their wishes into their children too much, rather than their own wishes, and finally form a passive role: my mother makes me do it and my father makes me do it. In this matter, the child has no concept of "this is my responsibility".
Passive independence makes children feel irresponsible from the beginning. A sense of responsibility is a person's attitude towards himself, society and the surroundings. Once this attitude is missing, children will only do things in a perfunctory way.
02. There is no plan and no opinion.
On weekends, the family does housework together as usual. Mother is responsible for overall planning, and father and son are responsible for implementation. The task assigned by my mother to my father is to clean the glass and mop the floor. The task arranged for the younger son is to arrange toys and bookshelves. Although the youngest son was still reluctant, he accepted the task. Half an hour later, the youngest son put all the books on the shelf, but the shelf was in a mess. Big books and small books are irregularly arranged, which looks like a garbage dump, and so do toys, just piled together. It can be seen that although the younger son got instructions from his mother, he did not plan or advocate when doing things.
Let the child be independent, let him have his own spiritual magic and change his world, instead of being a seemingly little giant. This is another harm of passive independence, which makes children become puppets of ideas and imprisoned under the instructions of the outside world every day. After a long time, the child has become accustomed to doing things independently according to instructions, but unfortunately, he can never plan and advocate himself.
All passive independence only makes children look independent on the surface, but in fact, children don't have the ability to be independent at all. Therefore, we must try our best to make children have the ability to take the initiative and independence!
Active independence is the engine of children's real growth.
Compared with passive independence, active independence means that children are willing to accomplish something consciously with their spontaneous enthusiasm and resolute action.
Taking the initiative to be independent will make children more aware of the reasons, who will do it, the sense of responsibility and the responsibility for the consequences. These are all passive and independent that children can't feel.
I once heard a teacher say at the kindergarten graduation ceremony that "the essence of education is to let children actively discover, choose, decide, act and undertake, rather than passively accept and implement". I remember the teacher's words did not fall, and there was an uproar of applause outside the venue.
Come to think of it, it's true. You can gallop a horse in Wan Li, but if you give it enough initiative, it will gallop and run very wide.
It is not difficult for children to learn to be independent on their own initiative. The point is parents.
0 1. Don't do everything yourself, learn to be a "careless" parent.
There is a popular saying that "the lazier a mother is, the more diligent her children are". This sentence reflects that the less parents think about their children beforehand, the more children will think about themselves.
Xiaole was promoted to preschool when she was 5 years old. Despite the pressure of reverse learning, Xiaole is still very lively. Xiaole's mother is different from other mothers. In a sense, the mother is "careless" When taking the textbooks promoted by Xiaole home, her mother will simply ask what the books are, and Xiaole will say it herself. What books do I need to bring to preschool the next day? Mom simply asks, Xiaole will say it herself. The teacher criticized Xiaole many times because he always forgot to bring his book. Xiaole never forgot to bring his books after that, and her mother didn't pay much attention to Xiaole's books because the teacher criticized Xiaole.
In this era, on the contrary, we need parents like Xiaole's mother, because they are actively giving up their paternalistic power and letting their children step by step on the throne of their own growth and become their own kings. Careless parents seem indifferent to their children, but in fact they give them many opportunities to make their own decisions. Because in this process, children know how to correct and how to bear the consequences. Nobody cares about him, and things are naturally his responsibility. Only in this way can children have their own initiative and independent strength in trial and error and fall again and again.
02. Throw out all 50% and be a 0.5-point parent.
"Careless" doesn't mean that you don't care at all, but that no matter how much you don't care, this matter has stuck many parents. Try the 50% rule. The so-called throwing 50% of everything is not to let parents do half of the things for their children, but to remind them.
The carelessness of Xiaole's mother mentioned above is a little careless, but you may not have noticed that Xiaole's mother actually simply reminds Xiaole every time she takes a book, but the degree is not deep enough. Of course, which is more important, big events and small feelings, parents remind their children that the outline drawn for their children also depends on the specific situation.
For example, we are taking our children to the seaside today, and parents can tell them that our plan today is to go to the seaside and let the children prepare their own things, that is, throw 50%. As for what children are going to bring, that's 50% of what children should do.
Parents will definitely ask angrily: which child is upset when he hears that he is going out to play, and he is definitely willing to let him prepare something.
All children's abilities are built from happiness. It is these happy things that can cultivate children's initiative and independence. Parents can often throw 50% of simple happiness to their children and let them finish the rest. In the long run, from simple to complex and from shallow to deep, children's initiative will gradually develop.
To put it bluntly, 50% throwing is actually giving children a direction. As for how to go, let the children explore for themselves!
Education must always form a good closed loop, otherwise children will easily slip away. Therefore, the result of children's active independence also needs to be completed.
03. Share active and independent happiness with children in time.
Some time ago, Xiao He's mother was ill. Xiao He was usually brought up by her mother. This time, when she was ill, she showed her daughter's independence. Xiao He sends water and medicine to his mother every day and asks her to take medicine. I also do my own thing well and help my mother clean the floor. My mother is very happy. After her mother got well, she gently hugged Xiao He and said to her, "You are great. Why did you do so many things when her mother was ill, and you grew up. " Xiao He smiled like a flower and said, "Mom, I will do my own things in the future, and I will help you." .
Children's initiative to be independent needs the recognition and approval of their parents, so that they will be interested in their own efforts and understand that "the result of their initiative to be independent is so beautiful." That's why I have the courage and weight to continue to be active and independent.
However, parents should not forget to give their children the most objective evaluation while giving them independent praise. For example, children have gone beyond what they could not do in the past and have tried their best to help others. Objective recognition will make children understand the true meaning of independence-not to continue to be recognized by others, but to have more ability to do more things.
I saw an independent little man standing on the street corner, waving his hand at a distance and telling me, "Mom, I am independent and don't need your company." I hope that one day, every lovely angel baby can have an independent and confident face, which is inseparable from the occasional "carelessness", "50% rule" and objective praise from parents.