Based on this assumption, encouraging negotiation requires us to pay attention to our own choices, and everything else is wishful thinking. For example, you complain, "Why does my husband always stay in bed? How can I make him more diligent? " Such a question is false, because others are beyond our control. What we can pay attention to is: What can I do to make myself feel better in this situation? For example, it's just that your husband's way of resting is different from what you understand.
From this simple example, we can see that what we choose to do and what we choose to believe can actually change our own views on others and life, and there is still a long way to go before that. ...
In class, what I feel most is "acceptance", because many times we all understand the truth, but we just have a hard time. The reason is that I don't accept the present at all. I always feel "you should", "I should" and "he should", but life will never develop in the way we want. Everyone has his own ideas and style of doing things, and he doesn't act according to "should" at all. I feel that my life is completely out of control.
I think I must change, so that I can live according to the script of "should", and even I often slap myself in the face and draw my own pain. If you can't get better, then your husband can always do it. Finally, my husband always throws out a sentence, "Why do I have to do this all the time, do I have to do that all the time, and do it the way you want?" ! " ......
Life is getting more and more unsatisfactory, complaints are increasing day by day, and emotions often collapse. I myself joined the encouragement consultation group based on such problems. The first article of the course, Encouraging Consultation, says that there are actually four steps in the process of change, namely, willingness, consciousness, acceptance and choice. As for myself, I have the will to change, and I realize that I don't seem to be doing well enough, and then I want to change. The reason why I failed was that my heart didn't accept this step at all.
I don't recognize my present situation and want to change, so I overcompensate and want to change. Later, I found that I couldn't change myself and others, so I gave up and felt that I was worthless. I think this mentality is particularly like the pendulum introduced in our junior high school physics, that is, from one extreme to the other, there is no balance point.
Acceptance is the x point in the picture. In Adler's psychology, I think it is very suitable to explain point X, that is, "your existence is your value", just like encouraging counseling, in fact, you are good enough. It feels like chicken soup, but our behavior is actually directly linked to our feelings.
As the iceberg model can see, the bottom of our behavior is our value. When we have no sense of value, our behavior will be different.
Acceptance means that we recognize our own value, and all consciousness based on "problems" should turn to what we can do.
As mentioned in the encouragement consultation.
"Finding and changing ideas through the surface that you don't even realize will bring lasting changes. Whether you change your thoughts or your feelings, the end result is that you understand and accept yourself and others, and you can experience peace and joy. " 1
An interesting experience activity is "Away from the circle of self-esteem", which can well explain a pendulum state in which we don't accept ourselves and want to change ourselves, but fail.
For example, I lost weight many times, but it didn't work.
Then, according to the order of the cycle, it is
There is a set of rigid thinking patterns in our minds, just like a hamster running on a wheel, and we think there is no way to get rid of it.
As Lin Lott said, in the circle of self-esteem, we are actually circulating behaviors that make us depressed over and over again. Just like myself, my way of thinking is too absolute, "always xxx", and I set myself many restrictions. After losing weight, I said that health equals self-discipline, and I felt that I couldn't even do such a small thing. What can we talk about self-discipline? ....
In encouraging consultation, there is actually a way to encourage yourself and then jump out of the circle.
If the way of judging or thinking is too absolute:
If you expect too much, or believe that you will never change:
We all know that change is difficult. Change is a process, not a result.
If we always do the same thing over and over again, but expect completely different results, we all know that this is a delusion.
So what else is the unconscious behavior pattern that we have never been aware of, but believe in?
Offline, we did an activity. Experience activities need experience to feel the same. If you are interested, you can also find a quiet space and undisturbed time to do this activity and see if you feel the same way with me.
A. 1. Think of something that bothers you, whether it's school problems, emotional problems, parenting problems, money problems, work and friends-related problems. ...
(Write it down)
B. Now record your life on film, let your thoughts go back to a certain day, a certain moment or something in your childhood, a memory that appears in your mind ... focus on specific moments, not things that often happen.
(Write down all the details you can think of)
C. Write down your feelings in that memory and your age at that time. And your thoughts and decisions at that time.
(Write it down)
Because personal information is involved, I won't share my own and my team members' cases. Neil, let's share the cases in the book. He said that he saw a coin on the playground and put it in his pocket before he could look at it carefully. And told myself to "watch quietly in the future", but after getting on the school bus, the coin was lost and I didn't even notice it. Another child found the coin and gave it to the driver. When the driver asked, Neil said he lost it, but when asked how much it was, he couldn't answer. At the age of 8, he (an inner child) felt that he was stupid and couldn't tell the difference between coins.
In fact, when we look back at the present and inner children, we may find that the way we understand life and deal with problems now is similar to the way the inner child interprets life and how he thinks he can survive.
Encourage consultation and believe that it is not what happens in our lives that shapes our character, but the conscious and unconscious decisions we make about those things and environments.
Our memory is selective, and we can realize our screening of memory in this kind of activity again and again. We will only leave those memories that are in line with our own personal logic.
Many times, we are angry with others, probably because others accidentally touched an emotional switch, and because this emotional switch is automatically turned on, you will automatically explode, and then you should naturally blame others and think that everything is others' fault. If he is him, then I certainly won't be him.
Reminds me of a case I have seen before. In Silent Confessions, the father took his son to learn to swim. His son is as young as he is, because he is a mixed-race Chinese and American. His son was bullied by a bunch of American children in the swimming pool, and then his son came back to him crying. He was very angry and slapped his son. Said he was too disappointing. Why did he come back and cry when he was bullied?
In fact, because the child was bullied, he touched the unfinished business of his childhood and unconsciously acted like a frightened child.
When I was a child, my father came from China and moved to the United States with his parents to work as a temporary worker. When he was a child, his family was poor and he didn't speak English very well. He is often bullied by Americans nearby, and he has no strength to fight back.
Just like the meaning mentioned in the encouragement consultation, the more you hide it in your heart, the greater the reaction. When the father hit his son, he may have seen himself who was angry at the beginning. Although he was weak at that time, he can now have the power to violence his son and make him "strong".
Therefore, we need to go back to our original thoughts or feelings and begin to treat our troubled and unsatisfied needs in childhood.
In childhood, we may think that the world is "black and white", but in fact, the world is not like this. Actually, we can have different choices.
I have done offline one-on-one consultation, telling a childhood experience, and then the partners in the group, as me, will talk about how they look at themselves, how they look at life, and what decisions they will make through this matter.
During the whole process, I just watched my friends have a heated discussion, and then I chose my own choice from their opinions.
In fact, this activity not only reminds me of my childhood, but also makes me realize the private logic of my inner child. In fact, even the same thing, different people will have different views and make different decisions. And these decisions have never been seen because they are not in their own private logic.
The most important purpose of encouraging counseling is to recognize yourself. Only when you know yourself clearly can you know your thoughts and decisions about others and life, and it is no longer a passive reaction to the unconscious state.
But how to know ourselves and encourage consultation, think that many of our inherent behavior patterns are because of our childhood choices, genes, environment and choices have shaped us, and choices can be changed. By looking back on childhood, we can realize the influence of childhood decisions and behavior patterns on you now. You can go back and choose again.
Change cannot happen overnight. The premise of change is acceptance. Now you are the best, don't judge yourself by other people's external standards. Our acceptance does not mean stagnation, but growth.
Reference:
—— E N D ——