Not long ago, my friend told me that my ex-boyfriend had found a new girlfriend.
I don't quite understand. Let me reconfirm whether it is true or not. Whether he really has a new lover or not.
So you gave me thorns all over, just to hug another person so gently.
I don't want to believe that he will have a new lover so soon.
I opened my circle of friends, Weibo and QQ space, looking for evidence that he had a new love, and then I saw a photo of them. In the photo, he hugged another person and smiled so happily.
All along, pretend to break up and say goodbye, and the next one will be fine. I think I can put him down soon and give up this crooked neck tree. I still have a whole forest.
I go to work, go to work, eat, get off work and get together with friends as usual. I think of him less and less often. I thought that time would dilute everything, and I could gradually forget this person.
But all these disguises collapsed the moment I heard that he had a new lover.
He likes someone else and will never be with me again.
It was not until that moment that I realized that I had never really let go.
At that moment, all the emotions came to mind. I obviously feel that I miss him very much, and I can't bear to let him go. I can't convince myself that I no longer care.
I care very much, very much.
There has always been a corner in my heart for him. I fantasize that what happened between us is just a dream, and one day the dream will wake up and he is still by my side.
In fact, I am silently expecting the day when he can come back to me.
Now all these dreams are dashed.
It is said that there is a memory effect in psychology, which is called "Ze Genik Memory Effect". It tells us that those unfinished things in the past will be more impressive than those that have been completed, because regrets are always unforgettable.
It suddenly occurred to me that we have many unfinished agreements and unfulfilled promises, and all our plans for the future have run aground. How can he break up with so many things left unfinished? How can he like others without saying so many words?
What I think in my mind is, will he hold another person's hand and say those sweet words in the future? Will he take another person to the restaurant we have been to for dinner? Will he hug another person and call him baby?
It turns out that we are not unique to each other, and you can repeat those deep feelings with another person.
Lost, disappointed and depressed, he should become more mature and not lose his temper with the next one casually.
Next, I suddenly became jealous. I am jealous of that new love. I met him later than me. The man I trained with my own hands has just been given to a new lover. I am jealous that my new lover can have him now and in the future, and I can't have him anymore.
I have an emotion called hate. I don't know whether to hate him or my new love.
I hate it when a new guy takes him away. What kind of person is this person? Does he look good? Is his personality better than mine? Is he qualified? Will they get married?
I began to imagine a man I had never met, and I became hostile to him. I think he has taken my place. I even have an impulse to save it.
I am very angry and unwilling. I hate why he can't insist and why he can't keep his promise.
A strong sense of frustration arises spontaneously.
I think I lost.
He has come out, and I'm still sad.
I kept in touch with him secretly from the moment we broke up. I want to be happier than him. I want to prove that I can live well without him and find happiness faster than him.
But now that I lost, he seems to have a better life than me. Until now, I am willing to admit that I have failed. In this relationship, I failed completely.
I am not as strong as he is, and I am not as free and easy as he is. I admit that I am the one who has more expectations. I don't want to pretend to be cold, so I sent him a message on WeChat: How have you been recently?
As a result, he did not answer.
Suddenly a little angry with myself. I feel that people have entered a new chapter in their lives. Why are they still so disappointing?
I don't want to think about it anymore, because I'm bored and tired. What's the use of reminiscing? Can't give anyone any comfort. I started to get back into my life.
Go to work, work, eat, get off work and get together with friends. But this time, I can't fool myself. I've always had this thing in my heart, which is even worse than when I broke up.
He has a new lover, so he'd better find one himself. Do n't wait
I said hello to the new opposite sex and started chatting online. After several rounds, I lost interest. I'm not very excited. He is not as interesting as his predecessor. Then I began to wonder how he found a new lover. You want to go out as much as I do, so you found a new lover?
So, he felt that his new lover was better than me, and he successfully entered the next relationship.
After talking to two people in a row, I found that it is not so easy to find a new person to escape the old pain.
I was sad, so I decided to keep it. Use my own experience to teach you some redemption experiences. If you want to save someone, this article will give you great inspiration.
What should you do when you learn that your ex has a new lover? In fact, a person's greatest sense of panic comes from not having a goal and not working hard for it. So you have been trapped in a state of emotional control.
There is only one thing you have to do now, and that is to find what you want.
The other person has a new love, which can give you a strong emotional influence. This shows that you are still in the unsettled period of breaking up. You are upset because you haven't found a real goal for yourself.
1. Clear up your emotions first.
The emotion of breaking up actually comes from what you want, but you can't get it.
Emotions are deceptive. Many times, you are deceived by your emotions, but you don't know it. For example, when you see a person with a new love, you feel very angry, perhaps not because you still like him, but because you feel unwilling.
When combing emotions, you can ask yourself this question: What is my current need?
Given so many choices, you can choose more:
A. I am obsessed with my ex and want to get back together.
B: I have a big vacancy emotionally. I want love.
C. I need more time to heal and seek to let go.
I want a new partner.
E. I want to end those regrets in the past.
F. I want to correct some of my mistakes and change my predecessor's view of me.
In the face of your choice, you continue to ask yourself:
What am I worried about at present?
What do I expect?
Am I in a swing period of repeated emotions?
Will my decision change?
I won't give you any choice this time. This is an open thinking question.
Accept your feelings.
After you make a choice, you will find that what you want is not complicated, but it is difficult for you to complete it because it is difficult for you to accept your choice.
If you find that you want to get back together, but feel embarrassed, and the other party has a new love, isn't it ridiculous to propose to get back together? Rub your dignity on the ground. Facing his question, "What did you do in your early days?" How can you humble yourself? I'm sure he will refuse.
This sense of shame is unacceptable to you. You would rather lose everything than accept your low profile. You regard shame as an unspeakable mental disability, which makes you feel imperfect.
You are embarrassed to admit what you want to yourself. You have been looking for some reasons to say to yourself: Don't make such a choice.
But in love, who is perfect? Former? Not exactly.
In fact, whether you want to let go completely or save each other, you must learn to accept your feelings.
Your unwillingness, anger, regret, nostalgia and pain are all real and understandable. Don't run away from them just because they make you feel unhappy.
Everyone has these feelings when facing the ex of a new lover. The first step for you to learn to digest by yourself is to face your emotions and face up to your feelings. Understand the reasons for these emotions, talk to your true feelings and ask if they prevent you from making the right choice.
Make a plan for your goal and put it into action.
If you choose to let go, then time is really the best medicine. As long as you don't make trouble for yourself, you will finally get the release you want. If you choose reorganization as your goal, then the best recovery time is always now, and you should pay attention to action again.
First, you need to avoid the following minefields
1 Don't speak ill of your new love in front of him.
Don't always monitor his sweet behavior with his new lover, so as not to give yourself too many negative psychological hints.
Don't try to separate him from his new lover by some improper means.
Don't overexpose your sense of need.
In order to save my predecessor with a new love, my goal plan is divided into three steps:
The first step is to ease the relationship between the two sides.
From the initial 1 to 2 months, it is the time period you set for yourself to pave the way for comfort. During this time, you have to control your sense of need, and there is only one purpose to approach each other, that is, to let them treat you as a "comfortable friend".
Many people don't know how to be friends with their ex, or how to get their ex to agree to be friends with themselves. It's not difficult at all. Just can't use the method.
You should provide the other party with a choice, and there should be room for regret in this choice.
What do you mean? For example, if you meet two fruit shops on the road, one of them has a "taste before you buy" sign, but the other one doesn't, then you must tend to go to the first one, because the first one provides you with "room for regret", even if you taste it, you don't have to buy it.
Everyone has this kind of psychology. If the other person takes a step back and gives himself more choices, it will attract you to choose him. You can say to each other like this:
"You know, my circle is so big and I don't have many friends. After being with you, I have fewer friends, so I am totally dependent on you. Break up for so long. Actually, I'm not used to it either. I think I may need more time, and I need to slowly withdraw my dependence on you. Let's be good friends in the future. If you think I'm bothering you, or it's inappropriate to contact your ex, you can delete me later.
You can choose to be friends with me or not. This is a place of regret.
The second step is to awaken the other person's positive emotional memory.
People's memory tends to be biased, because the result of this matter is good, and memory will beautify the process of this matter, exaggerate the positive emotions in the process, and cover up the negative emotions.
For example, if an operation is successful, the negative emotions in pain will be covered up by the positive energy that takes pleasure in pain. When I recall, I will only think of "I am better and happy after the operation", which is the mosaic effect of emotional memory.
In other words, if you can use this effect to make the other person recall more beautiful feelings, then your previous unhappiness will also be diluted.
From the second month to the third month, you can give some examples to deliberately guide the other person to have this positive emotional memory, mention some things you have done together, and choose examples of "going through a lot of hardships, the process is a bit embarrassing, but the result is excellent", such as trying to get into the same university, or grabbing concert tickets, queuing for dinner in online celebrity stores, etc. And the anchor of this detail is "casual" in the chat.
The third step is to stimulate the other party to have demand for you.
If all goes well, in the third month, you will have walked so far.
One of his needs for his predecessor is a sense of belonging and the other is possessiveness. Sense of belonging is the understanding and recognition that you convey to him in communication. In the third month, all your actions and expressions should convey the same meaning to him, that is, I will leave you a window anyway.
But this may prolong his consideration time indefinitely, so you need to add a fire to him. What do you mean? If you are getting closer and closer to him and others are chasing you, then he is likely to do something beyond friendship in a hurry, because this will stimulate his possessiveness, and at this time there will be a qualitative improvement in redemption.
What you should pay attention to is that in the process of implementing the plan, don't let the new love factor have too much influence on you.
Because frankly, how the new love came from is still unknown, maybe the other party just wants to find a substitute to get out of the pain of lovelorn. Whether he really likes his new lover or not, what is certain is that his new lover is just a person who has just established a relationship with him. Their emotional foundation is very limited, and they have not experienced all the memories you have experienced. In fact, his new love is completely impossible to fight with you.
The key to your recovery is your ex, not his new love. What's more, in fact, your existence is a great threat to your new love, and it's not you who should panic.
After learning that he has a new love, if you want to save it, you must be brave enough to save it. Not everyone has a chance to recover. A lot of things are too late to do, and a lot of words are too late to say, so the two of them silently say goodbye. If it were me, I wouldn't want to. If I try my best and find that he still can't get it back, then I can only be forced to give up, and so can you.
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.