_ _ Wu Xiaohui? (Ma Na) Lecture Notes
Outline of the lecture on emotional connection between mother and child;
1. The mother is the child's first love relationship, and the mother-child attachment relationship is the child's psychological needs and needs. Although a mother's love for her children is instinctive, it also has a critical period.
2. Debate about whether children cry or not. Crying is a way for children to express themselves. He communicates with people who take care of him by crying and body language. Therefore, the people who take care of him should interpret it correctly and deal with it harmoniously.
3. The mother-child relationship not only affects the child's emotional intelligence, his personality, but also affects the child's brain development, as well as his IQ, the development of his IQ.
First, Montessori believes that children aged 0-6 have a socially sensitive period. Divided into two parts:
1.0-3 years old, the relationship between the child and his mother and family, including his relationship with himself. Montessori, who is 0-3 years old, thinks that children have a psychological embryonic period. Therefore, his EQ and sociality are a beginning, a formative period, and almost a process from scratch. People will think that children are self-centered these days. It is not that he is selfish, it is a state of his emotional intelligence development and social development.
The most important thing in this period is the mother-child relationship, which is the child's first interpersonal relationship. The emotional connection between mother and child is the beginning of children's emotional intelligence and sociality, which is related to the happiness of children's life.
2.3-6 years old, mainly his relationship with other children. He began to be interested in other children, like to play with them, learn to share, take shifts, and learn to empathize. His friend said, you are not my friend. He will be very sad. So children often complain in kindergarten, crying about who won't be friends with him and who won't invite him to the birthday party. He is very concerned about how other friends feel about him and whether to be friends with him.
Many behavioral problems of 3-6 years old are due to the hidden dangers left by the existence of safe mother-child relationship between 0-3 years old.
The emotional connection between children and mothers?
The importance of mother
The mother is the most important person to the child, because from the beginning of pregnancy, the child has been with her mother, staying in her womb for 9 months, and being connected with her mother.
What kind of environment is the child in the mother's belly?
Children get the best protection in their mother's womb and live the most comfortable life. Safe, warm, quiet and comfortable in the mother's belly. You can eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are sleepy. Without any interruption. Constant temperature, the most comfortable.
After nine months of carefree life, the child went through a difficult delivery process. The thought of having a baby, having a baby, makes my mother miserable. The child is also in pain. He squeezed in the womb, and some children were born deformed. He went through a very difficult process, his body was squeezed, and he left his mother and familiar environment after birth. He is in a strange world. What kind of world did the child come to? The world he came to is a very strange world, with countless things and countless images, but nothing he knows, he knows. The whole world is super chaotic for him, super chaotic. It's like a maze, a big problem, a chaotic problem. It's completely different from his previous environment, and everyone will care. How would you feel if it were you? To a completely different environment. We will be afraid, uneasy and at a loss. Completely insecure, unfamiliar environment. Then he wants to live. He needs to eat, drink, keep warm and sleep. These are his basic survival needs. Babies come to this strange world before they are fully developed. They can't see clearly with their eyes, walk with their legs or talk with their mouths. I can't satisfy myself after leaving my mother's womb. Can't talk, can't communicate in phonetic language, how can he live next? How should the adult mind spend the rest of his life?
Attachment relationship
The most important thing for a newborn is to find its mother. If he finds his mother, he finds the source of his life and what he lives on.
When his mother hugged him, fed him and interacted with him, his mother's voice, his mother's touch and even his mother's heartbeat were all familiar to him, and he felt that he was closest to his mother. At this time, I need my mother most. My mother is the most important person for him to survive. Children are born with a special emotional relationship with their mothers. Translate Chinese into an attachment. Not particularly suitable (emotional connection).
So children don't walk by themselves like small animals and find food by themselves. But this child has an innate ability. When a child is placed in his mother's arms, he will turn his head and open his mouth to look for milk. When a new generation is born, it will see and feel. Mother's heart melted when the petite baby looked at her face. When the child's hand surrounds the mother's hand, it also touches the nerve of mother's love. Children can't talk, but communicate with their mothers by crying and body language.
A mother's love for her children
The feeling of love for children begins from the time of pregnancy. In the first few hours of a child's life, it is necessary to put the child in the mother's arms. The initial contact became a bond between mother and daughter. The biological explanation of this intimate relationship of "love at first sight" is that the key to the birth of a child is menstrual period, that is, the time when hormones are the highest. Physical contact between mother and child will produce intimate feeling. Therefore, some people put the mother's love for children in the sensitive period of the first few hours of their lives.
The establishment of attachment.
The intimate emotional connection between children and mothers is a complex and continuous process. Mainly in the process of daily life, mothers feed their children, change diapers, hug, touch, look at each other, smile, etc., to meet their most basic needs. At the same time, these interactions are also brain food for children's brains. These are also important links to connect children's brains. When the child signals crying. When the mother has the right reaction and the child's requirements are met, the child will stop crying, be quiet, be happy and gain something. Mom's response will get positive feedback. Mother knows that she is doing the right thing, and mother and son keep sending positive messages and encouraging each other. Between mother and son, harmonious dance steps make the relationship of love grow quietly, become the child's first love relationship, the definition and understanding of love, become the embryonic form of all the love relationships experienced by the child in his life, and become the source of all his interpersonal relationships.
Harry F. Harlow, a famous American psychologist, pointed out that a baby's first love object after birth is his mother. This attachment is so gentle and intimate that people feel it is a sacred or mysterious force and an instinct that cannot be analyzed.
The influence of attachment on children
The famous educator pointed out that when a child's needs are met, he has a basic sense of luck. For example, he cries when he is hungry. His mother picked her up and said softly, "Don't cry. Mom knows that you are hungry and will feed you. " The children are full and their needs are met. This repeated experience gradually formed a sense of security in my heart. Make sure that someone cares about him and someone loves him. Pay attention to his crying and meet his basic needs. He came to this world safely and reliably, which is also the beginning of his self-esteem. On the other hand, if not, he will feel insecure, and this feeling of distrust will be planted in his young mind. This will affect his future development, even his adult stage, including his future husband and wife relationship.
Do you want a hug when the child cries?
The source behind it is not the argument between parents, but the analysis of some educational concepts.
Why are you crying?
We must find out the reason before we can prescribe the right medicine. Cry when you are hungry, cry when you are uncomfortable, pee, be frightened, be stimulated (don't stimulate your brain too much), cry when you are angry or bored. When a baby is born, he can't talk, and he can't express it in words when he needs it. I can't tell you like a three-year-old What about the newborn baby? He uses his unique language, his crying and body language to convey his needs to caregivers. Feed him when he is hungry, change him when his urine is not wet, and his needs will be met. So children are happy.
On the contrary, if you are sleepy, play with him, shit, and you feed him. The mother and the caregivers have a correct interpretation and appropriate response to the child's signal crying. Whether a child cries or not is not a question of hugging or not, but whether the child's needs are met. Usually novice mothers and children pick them up when they cry. Never mind the reason. Why are you crying and hungry? Gradually, the one-on-one relationship in life has been established, and I probably know that crying may be hungry. Maybe the urine is wet, and the signal is gradually being interpreted more and more correctly. Crying itself is a negative emotion, telling others that he needs it. His needs were met. He will feel calm and happy. You made his bad mood better. On the contrary, the child is hungry and nobody cares about him. The more he cried, the more angry and anxious he became.
Mothers can help children adjust their emotions.
Parents' emotional connection and adjustment to children can balance children's nervous system. When you adjust or adjust your child's nervous system, the child will feel a positive and balanced state. This is the beginning of children's self-confidence. When a child directly experiences reducing his negative emotions or improving his emotions, he trusts you and believes that you can make him feel better. This is the basis of safe emotional connection, and this balance can help children concentrate, like learning and be good at exploring.
The Influence of Attachment on Children's Brain —— Shaping a Positive Brain
How relationships shape children's positive brains is the first scholar who combined the neurobiology and emotional connection of children's brain development by Allen Shore, a famous American scholar. What does he think?
We used to think that the left brain is more important, the left brain controls our language system, and the right brain is relatively less important. With the development of brain scanning (complex technology) and technology, it is found that the right brain plays an important role in the formation of visual nonverbal aspects and the regulation of the body. The right brain understands nonverbal communication, including tone, voice, facial expressions and gestures. In the relationship with children, among the people who take care of children, the health of our right brain directly affects children. Children learn about the world from our reactions. When we feel inconsistent with what we say, our verbal and nonverbal expressions. It has a negative impact on children and makes them have a sad brain. Because babies can only read our nonverbal expressions at this stage.
Example: A child will cry when he is tired, and excessive stimulation will make him cry. The exhausted mother has been restless. The more the child cried, the more anxious he became, so his tone was loud and angry. She said to the child, you are tired, go to sleep quickly, and then patted the child with her hand. The more the child cries, the worse it becomes. Then she immediately picked up the child. Why do you want to hug it? Mom's Language You are tired. Go to sleep quickly. You want a hug. If it is written in words, it reads correctly. If you say in a calm voice, I'm afraid you're tired, go to sleep quickly. I turn around and you want to hug. So there is no answer to the emotional question. What kind of language is the mother at this time? Sharp voice, patting the child hard. Holding the baby, holding the baby very hard, these body languages are not consistent with the language he said. What the baby understands is the mother's body language, not her negative emotions. If this situation continues, children will gradually form negative feelings. This negative feeling is the core part of children's self-personality. Children bring confusion when they are young, and disorder when they are heavy.
On the contrary, when the child is hungry, the mother breastfeeds the child, and when breastfeeding, not only does the child eat the milk into his stomach. The child's mother held his affectionate eyes tightly and gave him a safe hand. If the dance steps between mother and child are so harmonious and repeated, the right brain of the child will constantly understand and deepen this positive feeling. The positive connection between mother and child is constantly strengthened. Compare these two relationships. There is a direct relationship between a positive brain and a negative brain.
(Children's absorption mind mentioned) 0-3 years old is subconscious absorption, and the mental trauma suffered by children in front of their babies, although seemingly invisible, affects many positions in the brain. Affect children's ability to lose their emotions in a tense situation. Relatively speaking, parents of children with a sense of security can quickly cope with their children's nervousness and negative emotions, which can help their children reduce their neurohormones. A child with a sense of security is more likely to understand the feelings of others, because his needs are met in a loving environment. He will feel when he sees others sad. On the contrary, neglected children have no feelings for other people's sadness, and sometimes they beat sad children. There is a great relationship between them. In infancy, if there is no good emotional connection between mother and daughter, the growth of children will be very difficult, and it is easy to bully others or bullied objects in kindergarten. Just as our personality is often a copy of our parents, the way we raise our children is closely related to the way our parents raised us when we were young, which is why. Parents who are abused by their parents from childhood will abuse their children. This root is due to his childhood experience.
Factors affecting attachment relationship
We should realize that not all people are so lucky. They were born together and had a honeymoon from the beginning. Then when we are pregnant, the situation of mothers is different. Some mothers have been looking forward to their children for a long time, and finally they are pregnant and so happy. Some get pregnant before they are ready, some get pregnant before marriage, or even get pregnant after worse things. Not only are mothers unprepared, but some mothers don't want this child at all. So from the day of pregnancy, mothers feel different about their children.
After the baby was born, the mother's work and rest were disrupted. After giving birth to the child, the mother was weak. In addition, the child's crying and noisy, so that the mother lack of sleep, physical and mental fatigue. If the mother is not mature enough and impatient, it is easy to have negative feelings for her children. We also understand this very well. We've all been mothers. Well, if the mother herself was left out by her mother since she was a child. Then it is easy for him to neglect or abuse his children. Children's own health status is different. Some children are born prematurely, some children are born with problems, and their nature is different. These have affected the intimate relationship between mother and mother. Some children are chubby and cute when they are born, and they will smile at first sight. Some premature babies, weak and other defects, are not only crying, but also not so cute. Plus children have different natures.
Some children are quiet, some are shy, some love crying, and some love laughing. When a child cries, it can't be coaxed. Some children play by themselves after eating and sleeping well! The most troublesome thing is difficult children. Usually, they lose their temper for some reason. Not only do you not cooperate, but your adaptability is poor. Everything is irregular and you don't like the new environment. It is easy to produce negative, nervous and excited emotions. Premature babies are more difficult to take care of than full-term babies, his physical condition and so on. These behaviors affect the emotional connection between mother and child. Let the new young mothers feel helpless and depressed, and some even have one of the reasons for postpartum depression. Mothers beat and scold, threatening to beat their children, and negative emotions affect children's emotions, thus becoming a negative cycle. Let both mother and son feel that they are on the wrong bus.
After the baby is born, it is very important for the mother to adjust her body. When you get home, you should pay attention to your child's environment, in addition to ensuring adequate nutritious diet and enough heart rest. The lights in the children's room should not be too bright. The indoor temperature in this room should be warm, so speak softly, act softly, and pay attention to the children's signals. After the adjustment of mother, other family members (father, grandfather, grandmother, grandfather, grandmother, etc.). Participate in it and help mothers and children adapt to this new environment and new life.
Young mothers should be patient and active with children who are difficult to take care of. Everyone understands these truths. Calm and careful care will calm children down, so parents should not be too stressed. According to statistics, there are still 15% children in the United States who are difficult to raise and get along with. If you have such a child, don't complain The most important thing is that your child is not abnormal, but normal. He just needs extra help.
Research shows that the experience gained and the way parents take care of their children will change their personality. A person's character is a three-part nature and seven-part habit. Therefore, with the growth of age, the management style of parents, the way of getting along with peers, and the experience in school will all affect the temperament of children, so the temperament of children can be shaped. Parents, like farmers, are full of hope. If they work hard, they are sure to gain something. In addition to the husband and wife together, when necessary, doctors and relatives * * * together to tide over the difficulties.
If a mother can't establish a relationship with her children
When some mothers can't provide this intimate relationship because of work and other reasons, their mothers will lose this valuable experience forever. When children grow up, they are also likely to alienate their mothers.
As the saying goes: whoever brings up the eldest child will kiss him. On the other hand, if he lacks the early one, he can't love him. More than one child (2.3) Obviously, one child was brought up by himself, and the other one was not brought up by you. You can accept your own advantages and disadvantages. You didn't bring it up yourself. Your shortcomings are hard to accept.
Example: A friend and two daughters have almost the same advantages and disadvantages. They are all lovely and beautiful. Very caring and smart. But the two of them have a common shortcoming, that is, they don't like eating or sleeping. Every time my mother talks about her little daughter, look at my darling, how good my baby is. Speaking of the eldest daughter, she was crying and angry, complaining that I think my daughter can't eat well and you can't sleep well. I think you want something to eat. You have a completely different attitude when you say it. Did you bring this child by yourself at the end of the conversation? She had a baby abroad that year, and there was nothing she could do. After her mother gave birth to her for a month, she took the baby back to China. She was brought up by her mother when she was 0-3 years old. When she came back after the age of 3, she always felt that the two children were different, and it seemed difficult to establish emotional ties with him. So it's really a pity that I feel sorry for her every time I see her talking about her boss.
If this intimate relationship cannot be established between the child and the mother, then the father or other relatives. The person who takes a step back to take care of him, or the kindergarten teacher, has a child to trust and rely on. At the beginning of his life, some people loved him and some people cared about him. He is lovely, trustworthy and lovely to the people he loves, and the people around him are also lovely and trustworthy. The world has a bright future for him. (Teacher's voice choked) If such children can't get love at home, (kindergarten teachers) should show extra love to such children when training teachers.
Mother goes out to work.
Not every mother is qualified or willing to be a full-time mother at home. Some have good economic conditions, and mothers love their children. She likes to stay at home, so she'd better be a full-time mother at home. Stay-at-home mothers also have their own shortcomings. Stay-at-home mothers must have the same positive attitude and have their own timetable when they go to work. What time do they get up today, eat, and how can they contact their children? There must be high-quality time, and stay-at-home mothers must have such plans. Otherwise, when you get up, comb your hair if you want, and don't wash your face if you don't want to. This is not a high-quality lifestyle. If there is no way to stay at home, mother must work, and she is also a very good person. He is at home and doesn't love children, but he can't stand it.
Some people's work can make her more active. That's no problem. If so, you must find a caring person to take care of the children for a long time. Children's feelings for others occasionally fall in love at first sight. But most of them are gradually developed. Babies under one year old are best taken care of at home. If you send it to a kindergarten, you must find a good environment. The environment mainly includes caring and responsible teachers, such places. Not that kind of hardware. The most important thing is the teacher. Changing people often doesn't matter to children. The most important relationship is very important. Indifference is very bad for children. Think about it, it's too important to really give the child to a stranger. Some people are responsible. What should I do? I should breastfeed and change diapers, but I don't love children.
I don't talk to you when I change your diaper and feed you. This state is very terrible. Therefore, some young people talk about taking care of their children from generation to generation. If they think so, the most important thing is that they love their children from generation to generation. But it is very important that you make sure that your child will respond to his request, care for him and love him with his grandparents. If it is really sent to kindergarten, it is recommended that children under one year old should not exceed 20 hours. Parents go out to work, don't feel guilty about their children when they come back. I haven't seen you for more than 20 hours, and some technical schools disagree. This seems to cultivate his independence. In fact, this will be very cold, and the feeling of sympathy will be very cold. Don't feel guilty when parents come back, don't over-stimulate, and play with their children more. Normal mind, reading. What should you do? Stay with the children. Help mom with bowls or chopsticks. Have a good meal with children, play with building blocks and read books. Go to the store to take care of the children on weekends. Natural life is a particularly good interaction. In such a natural life, establish a good close relationship with children.
Teacher Wu Xiaohui's book Children's Visual Art
Mom and I, baby, welcome to this world.
2017165438+1October 15