I have been reading Dr. Deng Huiwen's column in KKBOX since college, and I like those stories full of humanity. I have the opportunity to attend Dr. Deng Huiwen's personal growth course this time. I feel a little guilty for not being at home with my children on a rare weekend-will Teacher Deng think that I have gone out to play? Will my daughter miss me? After some hesitation, I decided to seize the opportunity to go.
Before going out, the little elk naturally said that she would accompany me to class. I said, but the course is not for you. Let's go to class together if we can. (I had a Japanese class or had to work overtime before, so she said. Ha, can anyone recommend a Japanese class to my parents? )
"Then will you come back at night?" She asked me pouting.
"I'll be back after class." I felt her head.
The course on the relationship between husband and wife and parent-child offered by Dr. Deng Huiwen was held last year. Dr. Deng said through his private collection, "This year's course continues the theme of last year's course, but the content contains a new interpretation, which will analyze the subconscious, prototype contradiction, conflict and communication of partnership. In terms of parent-child, the subconscious changes in the relationship between husband and wife will be discussed after the children join. Want to know what the relationship between children and your Oedipus complex is? Welcome old friends from last year's class to join this year's class again. 」
There are many schools of psychological counseling, and Dr. Deng Huiwen tends to be Jung and psychoanalysis. From the information on the Internet, it seems that both Jung and Freud's psychoanalysis think that people's subconscious affects their actions. What makes me curious is, what is the subconscious of both parties in marriage?
I have never participated in Dr. Deng's other foreign activities, only watched a few of her audio-visual programs, and liked her voice and mouth shape, but I am not sure how Dr. Deng will lead the audience to dissect the complicated marriage and family relations in the condensed and concise speech course. Can you finish and be reasonable? The following are the speech notes of this day. Let's watch it together.
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The promise of your partner's life: Are you ready to combine with your partner?
As soon as Dr. Deng came to power, she easily compared the feelings of husband and wife with the situation on the spot as the opening of the day-she said that sometimes the life of husband and wife is like the situation reported on the scene of a speech, and one of the two sides is punctual, intends to do something, and may want to have some warm interaction, but the other party is late and may not be able to enter the situation, which will cause friction between the two sides.
Dr. Deng affirmed those who are willing to attend the course and thought that everyone would take care of their spiritual life. People who attach importance to their spiritual growth will not encounter too many difficulties in living independently; But it is not easy for two people to live together. After deciding to live together, there will be times when we need to negotiate with each other. The most common is the compatibility and exclusion of daily habits. For example, in the drama "Married Life", the scene often staged is a trivial dispute: should toothpaste be squeezed from the middle or from the tail? Should the tooth cup face up or down so as not to be moldy and convenient to use? Can the chopsticks be put in the bowl and used the next day? Who will wash the dishes?
Another example is the agreement of space slice in Twin: How to allocate the size of the wardrobe? What functions should be integrated in the same space? It is difficult for an environment like Taipei to meet the needs of bedrooms, children's rooms, study rooms, dressing rooms and other fields at the same time. Usually, a bedroom has multiple functions of dressing and working.
It is difficult for most marriages to agree on various details of life before marriage. Few people discuss who should wash the dishes before marriage, and when their "air circle" is not allowed to be crowded by others (for example, when cooking in the kitchen, no one can squeeze in and use it at the same time, and when watching TV, no one can sway in front). Some people like intimacy anytime and anywhere, while others need their own space. Everyone likes intimate relationships when they are in love, but if they can't communicate and coordinate later, it will easily lead to misunderstanding in marriage life: people who need their own space may be thought by their partners as "Don't you love me?"
The distribution of responsibilities between the two parties in marriage may also cause wrestling with each other. In particular, the birth of a child will lead to a severe redistribution of responsibilities in families with appropriate responsibilities: who will accompany the child for a long time? Who washes dishes many times? The original fairy couple instantly became bad karma's husband and wife, and there were more and more "gloomy" psychological struggles in their marriage: they would clean the floor from 2 pm to 5 pm, so that the husband who came home from work at 5: 30 could enjoy a comfortable and clean family atmosphere. After several quarrels, in order to deliberately show the housework to the other half, he deliberately put it off until 5 o'clock 10 so that her husband could go home.
After the first paragraph, Dr. Deng invited the audience to share their experiences with their partners.
Listener A: "There may be some agreements on the division of housework, but after the agreement, it may be felt that the implementation is unfair and it will become a new quarrel. I feel that some work may be very detailed and varied, but it doesn't take that long; Some work may be done quickly, but it is dirty. 」
Audience b: "my husband sometimes attaches great importance to some details, such as putting slippers in the bathroom;" But my husband always doesn't do a good job of sorting garbage. The rest of the family will miss me when they see that resource recycling is not classified properly, but my husband doesn't. Later, I got back at him-I would deliberately say loudly that I didn't lose the recycled goods, or lied that the children changed the slippers. I'm afraid I'll become the vengeful and lying woman I hate. 」
Dr. Deng's explanation of these two examples is revenge and lies. That's what he said just now, it will make people hate themselves, but they want to fight for the fairness of marriage. In Dr. Deng's old book "Be Better Yourself", it is mentioned: Is it necessary to be fair between husband and wife?
When my husband does something that his wife doesn't want to do (such as taking out the dirty garbage), it may be because he wants to take care of the lovely and kind girl in his heart when he is in love, but when the other half keeps quarreling, that fierce woman is no longer the weak girl I want to protect. "since you are so strong, let's re-divide the work" and want to redistribute these housework; My wife may think that I used to be a princess and have come down to cook. Do I have to brush the toilet again? Both husband and wife are used to it, so they stop asking questions and have to prove that they are loved through the "fairness" demanded by the other party.
In fact, in marriage, the "fairness" demanded by both parties only hopes to prove that they love each other through interaction. In marriage counseling, skills are used to make a case tell the truth, but the truth may hurt the other half, so in life, partners will not take the initiative to tell each other. In marriage counseling, Dr. Deng will guide the case and express his need to be loved.
Dr. Deng gave an example: a woman who grew up in a single-parent family was born in a mother's family and raised her children with great pains. When my mother-in-law said one day, "I think your husband and wife can't have children because your mother keeps eels, which is not good in Buddhism", it violated the inner boundaries of your partner. The husband may think that what the elder said is just a sentence, so just listen, but the wife will unconsciously feel that her family background has been violated.
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The key psychology of partnership: the balance of advance and retreat
We tend to think that the other half only needs respect and doesn't intervene, but a relationship that doesn't intervene at all is very lonely. We expect to be respected (don't worry too much! ) and expect to participate in it (can't you give some advice? )。 It might be better if we can send a clear message that the other party respects me more now and is more involved now.
During marriage counseling, Dr. Deng often heard one party complain that the other party often lost his temper. But after careful investigation, the other party may be deliberately portrayed as a bad person.
Few people deliberately want to be a nuisance in marriage, but the other half may be a person with a contemptuous expression on his face, but he has not given his partner a clear message about his needs.
Dr. Deng suggested that in a relationship, partners should always keep "I need it, and I will be happy if you can satisfy it", but at the same time, it also gives "it doesn't matter if you can't satisfy me" space. For example, memorial day, although I really want to be remembered and celebrated, if I don't receive a gift or give something wrong, I shouldn't keep it in mind. When Dr. Deng talked about this, it reminded me that Guan Xu said on facebook a few days ago that Pandora was a bead of Buddha? XD)
Dr. Deng Huiwen pointed out that not everyone can express signals when growing up. When many people grow up, their parents do not encourage their children to put forward their own opinions, or have stronger brothers and sisters, or their previous opinions are not taken seriously. "I hope my partner knows what I want when I don't say it" and "I won't understand until I say it". A wound that doesn't heal while growing up is called an "unhealed knot". Entering a marriage relationship with such a knot will increase each other's wounds.
For example, in Descendants, the wife comes from a father who ignores the family and a mother who cries and complains every day. In order to get rid of the sense of incompetence and the connection between the past and incompetence, the wife may have a stronger desire to control; The husband may come from a controlling family, and the parent-child relationship that is so sticky that there is no sense of distance leads the husband to need his own space. The social atmosphere also excessively requires the mother to intervene in her children. Reproduction from generation to generation will make the family get the family scenery that the father is alienated and the mother misses.
After the feud between husband and wife, one of them took revenge in order to balance their psychological feelings. For example, some couples cheat after having children, just because the children occupy all the sights of the other half, which may be related to the Oedipus complex. There are many inexplicable psychological factors in the inner drama that the other party can never explain clearly.
The perspective put forward in Dr. Deng Huiwen's new book "Not Good enough" not only means "you can do it if you are not good enough", but also looks at it from another angle: "the other party can do it if you are not good enough". After taking a long course, some people will share it with their other half in the tone of "I am right, but you have to grow up", which is very easy for the other half to have a strong resistance to spiritual growth.
If the other half just appreciates and praises himself completely, it will make his shortcomings improve subtly; However, too much criticism from your partner can make people feel very negative. The real relationship between husband and wife will have support and loss.
Dr. Deng asked everyone, "Is your marriage a world of one person or two people?" She mentioned that some people want their marriage to develop according to their own scripts, but this is actually a "one-person world". Sometimes, we want our partners to respond to our expected routes and actions after we say or do something. If our partner doesn't respond as we expected at all, will it make us angry or funny? The real marriage relationship is that both parties enter the marriage with each other's scripts and get along smoothly, that is, the words and actions in each other's scripts need to be integrated.
Dr. Deng said that she used to think that the marriage of a marriage therapist should be perfect, but later she realized that marriage should embrace reality, so she gave many examples of herself from beginning to end in her speech, which made everyone feel that small events in marriage were like gravel falling into shoes. Take her hope that her husband will send flowers as an example. She imagined that after asking her husband "When was the last time you sent me flowers", she expected her husband to respond "Yes, it's time to send you flowers", but her husband began to respond "You don't remember, of course I don't remember", and both sides held their own words, completely divorced from the original requirements for love.
Couples will gradually evolve a mode of getting along after an argument. If two people open their marriage life into a world of two people, then when the other person makes a request, they will start to correctly release the signals they need and respond to their positions.
Not every marriage can last a lifetime. As long as you know that you will be separated for various reasons, you may have different ideas about marriage. Dr. Deng pointed out that more than 80% couples who come to the counseling room for marriage counseling will ask, "If their enthusiasm for marriage is exhausted by trivial matters of life, they feel tired, don't want to do more, and can't grow any more, how can this marriage continue?" People who are very sure that they don't want this marriage may leave directly or live like they don't have this marriage. But as long as there is a little doubt, both sides still have a little operational basis.
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Psychological problems of partners: an interpretation of the psychological model of "conflict mode-family background-personality"
Dr. Deng mentioned several typical examples of families, one of which I think is quite special: the father of a typical man, the mother who is sad every day, and the family is obviously dominated by the mother who complains about love, but if the mother is the controller in the family, people outside think that the person who controls this relationship is the father.
Some couples will think that the other person is looking for trouble. If they can deeply understand their own needs, if they don't, they can give each other more clear information. For example, my wife feels that she has to get up early to cook lunch every day and wash dishes at night, while my husband feels that he is actually passively accepting his wife's lunch (just to make her happy and take it with him). After careful and calm thinking, the husband can clearly tell his wife: I really don't need you to do so many things, we can use money to solve some things, such as asking the housekeeping service to clean up and buy out food. I just hope you can give me a little more smile. People sometimes misunderstand their own needs and need a partner to remind themselves that in the past, happiness was not entirely due to the other party's performance according to their own scripts, but to their respective places.
If one of the husband and wife is a completely good person and the other is a completely bad person, but they continue this relationship, the problem is by no means one-sided. May be a good person, hoping to have an object that can be taken care of completely; On the other hand, let one side look so miserable, why doesn't the other side help?
What do we really need when we feel that our partner is not giving us what we want? How can giving not feel that you are the one who is given, and that you are respected and taken care of? Dr. Deng once again invited the audience to try to share their own situation:
Audience C: Mr. Wang is very busy at work, but he helped to sign up for this course, but he can't come because of his busy work. His wife thinks it's understandable, but she can't handle her inner sense of loss. Audience D: Mr. Wang will behave like his wife's mother in some ways, making her feel like she is married to her mother. Both mother and husband get along with their wives in the same way and interact with their wives in a derogatory way. Audience e: Mr. Wang is a poisoner. He can't live without mobile phones and tablet e-books. He just spends a lot of time reading e-books. Take the above case to illustrate the mode of "conflict mode-family background-personality". As far as the conflict mode is concerned, the core of the problem is not how much 3C is used, nor whether it will come to the course. In fact, I hope that my partner can put more energy into improving the quality of marriage, but the real needs are not expressed. Dr. Deng believes that "partners will avoid conflicts on practical issues and will lead problems to other knotted places." Because it is not a real conflict point, it is safer, and all the quarrels are centered around this non-core conflict point.
On the point of family background, the husband may just ask a simple question, but when the wife hears it, she will relate to the past contradiction with her mother, thus bringing out a series of emotions.
The most important self-confidence of human beings comes from parents, and they need to rely on their parents to live independently. When parents take care of their children, if they can't take care of them, they may have a lot of emotions, which may make their children feel humiliated. Parents who often criticize their children usually start criticizing their children after they grow up. On the contrary, they will show disgust from all the details of their lives when they were very young: for example, if a child urinates, they will show the expression "You have given me trouble again" because there are too many things at home.
In such an environment, children will undergo bipolar changes. One is the excessive pursuit of perfection, hoping not to be accused. One is extremely negative, because they are worried that they will be more depressed after failure, so they use negativity to resist frustration; One is vitriolic, which makes people have no time to check their shortcomings in a critical way.
Dr. Deng suggested that in the effective communication of marriage, the person who proposed communication should first know the real reason of his fear. Take 3C poisoners as an example. In fact, "the duration of using 3C" is not the real concern of the family members of 3C poisoners. What the other half of 3C poisoners are really worried about may be: Do you think I am not worth spending this time on me? Am I worthless? Will I die alone because I am too busy at home?
People can't live with their own fears, so they hide their fears in the subconscious, but the subconscious will affect people's behavior. It takes a lot of time to sort out the real desires behind the fears.
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Ask and answer. A: Various situations faced by marriage and family.
At the end of the course, Dr. Deng reserved 15 minutes to do Q&; A, and adjust the length of the answer according to the amount of questions.
Q 1: "There may be fierce communication during the quarrel, and the content may be very hurtful. The speaker thinks that the quarrel is just angry words, and the listener will think that the quarrel is true and can't let go of that content. 」
A 1: "Some people quarrel and tell the truth, while others say angry words. You must distinguish between these two personalities. People who are very depressed are usually very patient and will tell the truth when quarreling. Listen carefully when you quarrel, there will be information that you usually ignore. Some people usually exaggerate. He is afraid that he will speak well and you will not feel his pain, so he will exaggerate a hundred times. In marriage, losing your temper is often to get more love, but please think twice before you speak. The more you love someone, the more he can't stand you saying you don't love him.
We sometimes squeeze each other with words, hoping to squeeze out more emotions, but after a long time, the other party may feel tired. 」
Q: "The social and economic status of the other party is above yours. Sometimes the other person will humiliate and ridicule, leaving me speechless. 」
A: "There is no presupposition of social and economic status in marriage. I learn this because I have a senior doctor and a senior nurse married in the hospital. We expect their interaction to continue the workplace model: the husband gives orders and the wife cooperates. What we observed later was that the wife was dominant in the relationship. When I was young, it puzzled me; After entering marriage, I found that marriage is home. Why is there a hierarchy at home? Husband and wife are originally parallel. In traditional Taiwanese opera, even if men are superior to women, when the wife and foreign minister appear, the chairs are equally high.
I suggest you secretly think from his point of view, bypass his ridicule, find out his real expectations, and see if you have the ability to give. If you need to seek the help of professionals, the best way is of course for the husband and wife to join the consultation together, but if there is no other way, you can consult by yourself first to see if there is any knot that can be untied. 」
Q: "Husband and wife had a long-distance relationship before marriage. They used to have their own living space, and so did they after marriage. But after having children, the husband is still used to having his own space, but the wife's own time space has disappeared. 」
A: "You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to do. Last year, I disappeared for a whole year (note: Dr. Deng gave birth to a child last year and was at home full-time), and I was very confused and depressed myself. The teacher suggested that I put the question back on me and the children and ask myself: How much are you willing to do for the children? It doesn't matter how much you and your husband have done, is it fair or not?
I face the fact that I am not a confident and happy woman who looks after her children at home 365 days a day.
Because of my childhood loneliness, I wanted to be a full-time mother, but I was really not suitable for being a mother. If you can't be your ideal mother, you will feel frustrated. Don't fantasize that you can be so great and sacrifice so much. 」
Q: "when the two are still in the communication stage, can you observe the content of their communication in advance to avoid the problems they will encounter when they get along in the future?" 」
A: "Don't be so ambitious. If you can get along well now, don't bother him. XD, you can use the previous model to deal with the current problem. If you always expect problems in the future, first observe whether you are afraid of marriage. 」
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My personal experience after class
In the course, Dr. Deng will tend to invite everyone to share their own situation or raise their own difficulties in marriage in a way similar to a workshop. The content of the speech is fast-paced, and everyone is invited to share their experiences moderately, which also makes the course more accessible and participatory.
As I expected, Dr. Deng was eloquent, well prepared and fluent in content. From the beginning, Dr. Deng tried to narrow the distance with her own examples, so that I wouldn't feel excluded because of my status as an expert and scholar, and I wouldn't think that she was talking about an elite who didn't care about the world. I know that she has been married for more than ten years, and she is standing in the mud like us, stepping on the mud and thinking about how to get out of all kinds of difficulties and problems in life.
I have discussed with people whether it is worth taking a marriage growth course or marriage counseling, and whether I should drag my partner with me. At that time, the other party gave me encouragement: everyone has a way and everyone has an entrance to invest. Maybe growth courses and counseling are not an effective and trustworthy way for partners, but maybe partners who think so have their own growth paths. We can still drive our partners to grow together through benign interaction, and it is not necessary to drag our partners to be effective.
I think this series of courses is just as discussed at that time. We can't change others, but we can try to observe our real needs first and try to make some adjustments in communication skills and life. Take care of yourself, the atmosphere is different, and sometimes the situation is different.
Personally, I think this course has several important messages for me:
When there is a need to communicate, be prepared to "not discuss the results at one time":
Dr. Deng mentioned an example in his speech, that is, through about 20 consultations between husband and wife, they found their deep emotional expectations. I think it will take such a long time, and only through professional consultation and intervention can the problem be clarified. When the relationship between the two sides is not good, don't expect one or two communication to be effective quickly. CC once told me before, "Is it bad communication that leads to bad relationship, or bad relationship that leads to bad communication?" ? This is a common myth. Marriage has no experts. What we need is to keep growing and face problems:
Dr. Deng mentioned that some couples would refuse to attend counseling or growth courses, thinking that "marriage has no experts". I also feel that there is really no expert in marriage, just like Dr. Deng stayed in the consulting room for a long time and absorbed so many cases, but he still encountered difficulties. But I think this feeling is just like a programmer, no matter how strong he is, he will inevitably encounter intractable bugs in his own program to deal with; For example, in Greek mythology, Achilles was caught by his ankle and immersed in the Styx since he was a child. He is invulnerable, but he still has his weakness: he is not immersed in the ankle of Styx, which is where he can be conquered. In marriage, we will inevitably encounter our own weaknesses and various situations in marriage life. What we need is the skills of fault detection and debugging, rather than trying to pursue a panacea that is harmful and not beneficial. Some people may say that Dr. Deng also used cases from previous works in his speech, so reading is enough. But I used to teach myself to read. Happiness together, I once felt very sorry. Most of Dr. Deng's books are collections of columns, limited by the number of words in the columns. Each article may have its own topics and cases to discuss, and it is difficult to discuss them in depth, and it is also difficult to interpret a complete topic in series. As an introduction to understanding the topic of getting along, it is easy to read, but it is far from enough if you want to discuss it in depth. This course just meets this demand.
If you haven't seen Dr. Deng's programs or works at all, I suggest you watch this video first, and then add the book "You can be a better yourself" to feel the power of Dr. Deng's influence.
Since most of Dr. Deng Huiwen's workshop courses (such as private workshops) will give priority to partners or couples, if it is not easy to register for Dr. Deng's workshop before, I think the "adult micro-classroom" will be a good entrance for self-growth. In order to encourage double registration, double registration has a special discount, but single registration can also come smoothly. Many people in the venue are "semi-"to learn how to face the harm and unhappiness in their expected relationship.
Through the psychological model in the course, we can also explain many situations and observe whether we are defending ourselves for specific fears when we are emotionally up. What is the real goal? It helps to loosen the deadlock in the workplace and parent-child relationship.
Recommend it to you who want to try to face your subconscious and deal with life problems!
Deng Huiwen's good book portal "With you, I can be myself" blog is coming │ Shopping.
Related links
Dr. Deng Huiwen facebook Dr. Deng Huiwen's book: "Not Good enough: Women's Interests" * This article was published by enthusiastic young people and is prohibited from being reproduced without permission.
"This article is the author's view on cooperative innovation, not his position."