The most difficult thing to repair after an affair is to rebuild trust. Many people (or most people) can't do it or can't do it well, so many people stay in the marriage, but they just keep the shell of marriage, and two people are inseparable. Or like you, I want to live together, but I just can't. Of course, it must be admitted that this is a particularly difficult process, and sometimes deciding to be together may take more effort than leaving.
But it's really not hopeless. I hope you can try to do the following:
1. If you really want to be together, don't just make moral evaluation, the two sides should have deeper communication.
Cheating is easy to be tied up with morality, and people who cheat are morally corrupt, which is the most effective and commonly used attribution. But if we just stay at this conclusion, we might as well end this relationship, because morality is a hard thing to change, and a morally corrupt person with a good person will not have a good result. Morality is the reason to leave and punish a person, and our ultimate goal is to be together, and we need to rebuild trust, so we need to cross the threshold of moral condemnation and establish deeper communication first.
2. To confirm the value of two people together, don't always stay in the story and feelings of the victim.
In love, the derailed party often has the idea: "I'm so embarrassed, I'm so hurt, and I haven't finished this relationship yet. If others know, they will look down on me." With this idea, even if we decide to be together, it will be difficult to get along with each other in the future. You need to get rid of the victim mentality and admit that being together is your active choice. For some important reasons, I decided to continue. Some people call this state forgiveness, but it is still a bit condescending. It seems that one party makes a mistake and the other party doesn't care, but in fact, getting rid of the victim's mentality is not just forgiveness, but actively liberating the other party and liberating yourself by determining your own mind.
3. In the face of the possibility of cheating again, don't always use a skeptical attitude to justify and review, but build a positive interaction model by solving problems and increase confidence in the relationship.
In the stage of relationship repair, you will probably experience such a state that you can't help asking before going out: Where did you go today? With who? Who are you texting? ...
It is normal to have such doubts at first, but you should know that this is not a benign state. If two people's attention has been checking whether there is betrayal or trying to prove that there is no betrayal, the theme of this relationship is doubt and self-protection, and it is impossible to really repair the relationship.
So what really matters is not "not seeing suspicious signs", but "seeing those good signs". When people can't see them, they are always nervous, always suspicious, don't know when they can see them, and always look for them unconsciously. But if we see good signs, we will see them. If we see more, our confidence in the relationship will increase.
We must know that this is a difficult and repeated process, and we must be prepared for a protracted war.
Some people may say, what if all the above are done? Who can guarantee that he will cheat again? Indeed, no one can guarantee. We must admit that no one can completely guarantee that a relationship is safe. Even if there is no affair, can't we guarantee the future direction? So we should realize that rebuilding trust is a very difficult thing, full of negative emotions and thoughts, and once we have emotions, we will start to repeat them. So we must be prepared for a protracted war.
I am the warmest @ psychological counselor Huang Xiaoxian.
National second-level psychological counselor, master student,
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