After many detours, we finally understand that in the process of raising children, we have neglected one thing, that is, learning to listen. Dr Claudia M. Gold, an American pediatrician, believes that behind all "problem behaviors" lies the feeling that children are not understood. If you don't take the time to respond to the child, only respond to the child's behavior, which is the suppression of the child's feelings, will have a huge impact on the child's brain and leave a huge hidden danger for the child's future.
Through vivid stories and professional research, Dr. Gold pointed out in the book "Listening to Make Children Sound Personality" that a short listening can make great changes in emotional relationships. When parents learn to really listen to their children's inner voices, they will have the opportunity to help children and ourselves tide over the difficulties and cultivate the next generation with psychological flexibility and true self.
Now let's go into this book and learn how to listen to realize the sound personality of children.
0 1
Why should parents learn to listen?
As parents, we often have the idea that we must do something now, or it will be too late for our children to grow up. When we use these ideas to discipline children, we find that we have encountered various problems. In the book, the author warns all parents that it is because parents don't try to understand their children that many parenting problems are caused. Therefore, every parent should learn to listen to their children's voices and understand their psychological needs and growth needs, so as to raise a healthy child.
Because listening is a kind of ability to speak with love, when we learn to listen, we can dig out the real meaning behind children's behavior. We will also understand that children's seemingly rebellious performance is actually just an expression, and listening can re-establish the emotional connection between parents and children.
The author once received a visitor, Angela, whose son Michael is 4 years old. The four-year-old child often loses his temper.
In fact, Michael has been difficult to take care of since he was born. He is often nervous and difficult to calm down. When Michael was two years old and didn't want to take a bath, Angela became angry, grabbed her son's shoulder rudely and shook it hard.
Afterwards, she felt very ashamed of her behavior, but when her son disobeyed, she couldn't help getting angry again. She felt that her son was so uncooperative that she was overwhelmed, because she had to take care of her two sisters besides her son who was difficult to take care of.
Angela is worried about whether the child has anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
But under the guidance of the author, Angela eased her negative emotions. She tried to listen to her children's voices, get along well with them and began to enjoy her time with them.
Because mothers are under great pressure, don't listen carefully and don't understand their children's needs, they just label them casually, and the mode of getting along with children will develop in a worse and worse direction. Children's behavior will get worse and worse because of adults' incomprehension. Therefore, parents must learn to listen if they want to reduce communication barriers with their children.
So what exactly should we do?
First of all, listening requires enough patience and care, as well as the ability to remain calm.
When you become a parent for the first time, you are often anxious, but even so, don't focus on how to get through the day and never think about how to solve the problem. Pay close attention to children patiently and carefully, and always respond to what happens.
Secondly, we should manage our emotions, understand children's feelings, face children's immature emotions correctly, and don't label them casually. We should understand that the area in children's brain responsible for emotional management is not mature, and some behaviors they make are normal.
Finally, it is necessary to realize that children's impulsive rebellion is their own way of communication, and parents should learn to treat it correctly.
Young children will cry and adolescent children will rebel, which is a normal part of growing up. But when children's behavior touches parents' sensitive points, parents can't keep their heads cool. So it can also be said that children's impulses are often accompanied by parents' negligence. When they are not concerned, they can't learn to control their emotions, and impulsive behavior will occur. The way we care about them is to learn to listen first.
Children who are cared for and listened to will become independent and self-reliant when they grow up, be brave in exploring the world, be good at cooperating with others, and still be able to give sympathy and help to others even if they encounter setbacks.
02
The truth behind children's rebellious and out-of-control behavior
Some people think that children's bad behavior is due to illness or some kind of obstacle, so they need to take medicine. The author mentioned in the book that this view is a prejudice. Children have some rebellious or out-of-control behaviors, that is, to convey information in their own way. According to the information, they also have internal pressure and need their parents' attention.
Therefore, the author reminds everyone that parents should not always feel persecuted by their children, but should correct their mentality and actively face all the problems that arise in their children. When we have the opportunity to listen attentively to our children, we will find that rebellious behavior is actually a way of communication for children to express their feelings. Behind this kind of behavior, there are hidden feelings that children are not understood.
Six-year-old Maggie used to be a clever little girl, but recently she refused to go to bed by herself. Mom thinks she's a little rebellious. She took her daughter to emotional counseling and learned the truth with the help of emotional counselors.
Maggie has a father who often drinks. This father left home irresponsibly when she just learned to walk, and abandoned Maggie and her mother. He also visits his daughter from time to time, but every time he appears, he is always drunk and talking loudly.
The counselor analyzed that Maggie refused to go to bed by herself, which had a lot to do with her father's visit to her. The pressure brought by her father made the child feel afraid instead of kindness and warmth.
Maggie's rebellious behavior was understood by her mother, who also clearly saw her daughter's needs. So I stayed with Maggie before she went to bed and told her stories to make her feel safe inside. At the same time, she also negotiated with her father not to visit her daughter when she was drunk. When mom did these things, Maggie's rebellious behavior stopped.
It can be seen that children actually have a strong demand for the emotional connection between their parents. Everyone needs care and comfort when they are depressed. When children do something wrong, if parents just punish them blindly, or lock their children in the room, they don't pay attention, listen or comfort them. If children's emotional needs are not met, they will do things against their parents.
Therefore, when children inevitably have some rebellious behaviors, parents should do so.
Treat children face to face. Don't leave a runaway child alone at home. This can't achieve the effect of letting children reflect well. It will make them feel abandoned by their parents.
Face-to-face discipline can make the child understand that what he is doing is unacceptable behavior. Parents can let their children sit in front, guide them to express their feelings, and let them feel the comfort and understanding from their parents first, so that it is easier to tell the truth. At the same time, I feel emotionally that I have not been abandoned.
There is also that parents should learn to control their emotions. When you are angry, try to keep yourself calm, such as looking out the window to divert your attention, or taking a deep breath.
The author mentioned a point in the book. She said that children's angry emotions and out-of-control behaviors are both a way of communication. If parents make good use of this opportunity to listen to and understand their children, they can find out the problems existing in their children. More often, we should help children, not just control them.
Studies have shown that parents who neglect their children due to busy work, bad feelings of parents or bad childhood experiences such as separation, divorce and domestic violence will have an impact on children's physical and mental health problems in the future. If these experiences are gradually accumulated, it will cause psychological trauma to children, which is what people often say is the harm that being born in a family brings to children.
Therefore, when children have rebellious behavior, as parents, we should do self-examination to see if the family environment is healthy and loving, and whether it affects children. As parents, we should try our best to provide a warm and comfortable family environment for our children and ensure their healthy growth.
03
Accompany children to listen effectively.
As a pediatrician, the author traced his family background and growth history through years of clinical discovery, and found that some behavioral problems of children when they grew up to adolescence came from infancy. So she warned her parents in the book that listening should start from infancy. As children grow up day by day, parents should always listen.
When a child has some bad behavior, we should not ask the child what is wrong, but think about how to help the child from another angle. Some children's experts pointed out that if the quality of parent-child interaction is high, children's brain development will be good, and their thinking ability and social skills will become stronger.
In fact, the best way of parent-child interaction is listening, and the best way of raising children is to ask parents to listen effectively.
So how can we listen effectively? The author suggests that the following methods can be followed.
First of all, be sure to listen again and again.
Janet has a three-year-old son named Noah. Noah was an easy-going and happy child before he was two years old. Just as his little brother was about to be born, Janet found that his son was very different from before. He often makes mistakes and is rude to his newborn brother. There are quarrels at home every day.
Mom Janet is very sad. She wants to be close to her son as before, and his son can be happy every day. It seems that the crux of the problem is because there is a little brother at home. Janet didn't communicate with Noah before and didn't prepare him.
Noah began to learn to express his feelings after he was two years old, but his parents ignored Noah emotionally because his brother was too busy, which led to his rebellious behavior. Janet tried to listen to Noah pay more attention to him, and slowly Noah lost his temper.
But a year later, Noah had another fit and lost his temper at home because his mother Janet was pregnant again and they needed to buy a bigger house. If they want to change their residence, Noah will face the problem of transferring. So when her son lost his temper, Janet stopped trying to reason with him, but tried to express her love and comfort to him.
Indeed, in the process of children's growth, they will constantly face new stages of development. When children encounter setbacks in their growth, stress may make their problems reappear. This requires parents to listen to their children repeatedly.
The method of listening is simple. Don't reason with him, try to show love and comfort, and then discuss things with your child after his mood is stable. New problems are bound to arise, and every step of parents needs patience and keen listening.
The second is to listen carefully.
The book mentions an example of a teacher attending a class. Teacher Charlotte is with a four-year-old boy who is drawing. He stopped to look at the teacher while painting. Obviously, he wants the teacher's encouragement and praise. So Charlotte smiled and said, "I find a lot of blue in your painting." The little boy replied that this is the canteen near grandma's house, where there is a bridge.
Then the little boy picked up a brown crayon and said, I'll draw for you. In this way, in the process of drawing, the teacher spoke to the child unhurriedly. She carefully observed the child's performance, listened carefully to the child's conversation and provided wholehearted companionship.
Parents should listen to their children as teachers listen to their students, because listening carefully means observing attentively and interacting with their children.
Finally, we should arrange time to listen reasonably. Nowadays, the pace of life is very fast. Everyone is busy with work and under great pressure, and often feels that time is not enough. But even so, parents should take time to accompany their children.
Parents can be flexible when arranging their time with their children reasonably, and companionship is very important. Because even children need a period of support, listening and understanding, and they want more love from their parents.
You might as well try the above three methods. When we listen effectively with our children, you will find that the relationship with them is closer, and you will see obvious changes in them.
04
Parents should learn to listen to their children's body language
Body language is the most direct psychological expression. When a child feels warm love in the arms of a trustworthy adult, his brain and body will also be satisfied. Experts say that if children do not establish such neural pathways in the first few years of their lives, it will be difficult to control their emotions when they grow up. As parents, we should also learn to listen to children's body language.
Seven-year-old Adrian was diagnosed with ADHD, but when he was allowed to ride a scooter into kindergarten every morning, his attention and ability to receive information improved obviously.
When Helen's three-year-old son Arthur is crying, when Helen picks him up, Arthur's breath will relax, because the crying muscles will relax, and finally he will gently snuggle up in her arms. Therefore, the author concludes in the book that if we want to listen to children as individuals, we must listen to their bodies.
In order to listen to the child's body, parents must have a calm body and mind. If you are in a bad mood, you can't think clearly, let alone judge clearly.
Mi Xueer is a sensitive child. When she was in kindergarten, she often ran in circles with her hands over her ears because the school was too noisy. The experienced teacher was a little skeptical and suggested that his parents take him for autism assessment. However, his parents noticed that Mi Xueer was particularly sensitive only when faced with some stimuli, and they adopted different methods. Therefore, parents have made some conscious efforts to expose their daughter to the environment that she can bear. Now Mi Xueer has become a talented musician and an excellent student.
Parents should understand the reasons behind children's behavior and body language, because there are some perceptual differences between children. Children's sensitivity to skin contact, temperature, sound and images will be different. Therefore, the author reminds everyone that behind those grumpy and opinionated children, there are usually all kinds of emotional problems, but some parents don't find them and don't deliberately listen to their body language.
Listening to each child's body is to comprehensively consider the advantages and disadvantages of the child and decide which kind of exercise can play a role, when and how to exercise. These parents should consider it.
05
Listening to children is the beginning of parents' growth.
In order to listen to children correctly, parents should have the right posture: to ease their sadness and listen to children hopefully.
A young mother, Carol, found the author and confided to her that her five-year-old daughter was struggling in their daily life because she didn't eat well. When the author comforted Carol: I know you really love your daughter and care about her. When Carol heard this sentence, her mood was a little out of control, her voice became hoarse, and tears suddenly poured down.
If you are a mother now, I believe you will feel the same way as Carol. For the sake of children, there are really too many grievances in my heart, and I really paid too much for my children.
Many parents always regard their children as their accessories because of worry and fear, fearing that their children will be affected by their poor work, or directly blame all the problems on their children. The mood is endless in remorse and worry every day.
The author of this book warns us that although worry is human nature, only when parents express their children's worries and sadness can they regard their children as an independent individual and realize their true self.
In the eyes of most parents, children need constant care. But the reality is that if we learn to let go and give children relative freedom within a certain range, children will also have the ability to accomplish something independently. So parents need to find their children's true self.
In fact, the process of raising children is also the process of parents' self-healing. If you want to listen to your child better, you must let your emotions go and solve your child's behavior problems better.
So how can I ease my sadness? The correct way is to understand that shortcomings are part of being a parent. Secondly, when you realize that children have provoked your emotions, you should find a safe and inclusive environment to vent your sadness. Finally, we should face those painful memories correctly.
When parents face up to their failures and achievements, we can also treat children as children themselves, so we will listen hopefully.
Children encounter problems, in fact, parents will be more stressed. Even so, parents need to cultivate enough patience. In the process of children's growth, it is also a period full of many developments and changes. Parents should not directly label their young children with a certain disease, but learn to listen patiently and help them to find the real reason behind their bad behavior.
For parents and children, struggle is an inevitable part of growing up. When we learn to really listen, we will have the opportunity to help our children and ourselves tide over the difficulties, grow up through repeated self-healing, and cultivate healthy and happy children through repeated self-healing.
The above is the essence of this book.
On the day when we become parents, our shoulders are entrusted with the responsibility of raising children. Only by learning to listen can a child's sound personality be achieved. But before we learn to listen to children, we must learn to listen to ourselves.
An important task for parents is to adjust their anxiety when facing shortcomings. Before we became parents, we thought about countless possibilities, but when our children came into this world, we didn't know what fear is, what worry is and what collapse is.
Slowly in the experience and lessons, we finally understand that only by adjusting our mentality can we concentrate on disciplining children. If you don't take care of yourself, you really can't take care of your children.
If you can't listen to your children well, then your life is really overwhelmed. It's not your fault, after all, life is hard, and the world of adults is not easy for anyone. But we have children and have greater expectations for the future. We should be divorced from life, learn to adjust our emotions, and raise children in the most full mental state.
Let's work together, listen to children and ourselves, and create a warm, loving, relaxed and happy living environment for children. At the same time, make yourself relaxed and happy.