As a consultant, I have witnessed the meaning behind this term-loneliness, helplessness and mother's helplessness.
In the consultation of torch career, stay-at-home mothers and working mothers come to consult because of the conflict between raising children and work, accounting for more than 40%.
Now more and more people, especially those born after 1990s, don't want to have children. Seeing so many mothers struggling around, they dare not move on.
Sun Jing (pseudonym) was my consulting client two years ago. When she came to consult, she was a stay-at-home mother, and her daughter 1 was in her teens. She wants to return to the workplace.
Her consultation was carried out behind her husband's back.
"I love my daughter very much, but I also want to have my own career. My husband does nothing but work at home. "
Sun Jing's husband is from the north and she is from the south. Her parents were a little reluctant when they got married. After getting married, I found that my husband is a little male chauvinist and never does housework. She takes care of the children all by herself.
"Sometimes when a child cries, he doesn't bother and says,' How do you take care of the child?' "
I can imagine that tone, because I often hear men say to women, sometimes on the road.
"How do you take care of your children?"
Behind that is a complaint: if you don't make money and can't even take care of a child, what can you do?
Blame is disrespect, you are worthless!
Sun Jing's desire to return to the workplace is getting stronger and stronger, but his previous work was more auxiliary than professional.
This is also an important reason why she came to consult.
On the other hand, she has left the workplace for two years, and returning to the workplace is full of fear.
At this time, it is very important to find a consultant.
We spent a long time on the consultation schedule-she had to wait until her husband got off work in the morning and the child was still sleeping.
But at the first consultation, her daughter woke up 30 minutes after we started, and she could only interrupt. Make another appointment. She can only take a nap when the children are around.
She plans to take her mother-in-law to work by herself, although she doesn't appreciate the way her mother-in-law raises her children.
Sun Jingxing is very motivated. After consulting, he found the operation management (more internal management and data analysis) through the interview, which took 1 month.
However, after a while, her problem came again: her mother-in-law couldn't take care of the children, and her body couldn't stand it, so she had to go back to her hometown.
The work has just improved a little, and it is on the right track, and it is facing new problems.
After communication, we found the following solution: help the company to make some data and reports at home, and the company will pay part of the expenses.
But the company doesn't accept her to work at home because she hasn't even passed the probation period.
She left her job again and wanted to wait for her children to go to kindergarten a year later before coming back to work. Whether the company was willing to accept full-time at that time depends on the situation at that time.
I also sigh: I made great efforts to return to the workplace, but there was no support from the rear, so I had to resign again.
Is it a woman's business to raise children in this family?
I feel like a single mother!
In the process, her lover just complained and asked her to leave.
Other stay-at-home mothers came to consult 65438+ 0 or 2 years in advance to prepare for their children to go out again after going to kindergarten.
It is estimated that stay-at-home mothers also know that children can only return to the workplace when they go to kindergarten.
Liu Qin is a stay-at-home mother of two children. Her parents help with the children, but she still feels very tired and wants to go back to work.
"In fact, being a full-time mother is more tiring than going to work, but it is not respected. I met my working mothers in the corridor and didn't dare to talk to them. When people listen to me not going to work, their eyes will be different. " Liu Qin said.
It turns out that there are still working mothers who don't like stay-at-home mothers.
I remember a stay-at-home mom's client, who was particularly wronged because she had to work with a stay-at-home mom in the community who was completely disdainful before.
She said that if she had a job, she wouldn't hang out with those stay-at-home mothers at all.
How dare a stay-at-home mother pay so much, still at the bottom!
"I usually have to pick up and drop off my children, tutor my homework, and send my children to remedial classes and interest classes on weekends. I want to transfer for a year, and the holidays are busier! "
Liu Qin is really talking about the state of most stay-at-home mothers.
Yes, you can have a holiday and rest at work. There may be overtime pay if you work, which is not enough for home use!
Liu Qin wants to return to the workplace, hoping to prove herself through work, and then let her husband and parents respect her.
In the eyes of her parents, she is still a child, so she must listen to her mother in everything, even in the process of raising her own children, her mother is the master.
In her husband's mind, she is also immature.
"If it weren't for your parents' help, you would have to take two children, and you couldn't even eat!" Her husband's words hit her hard.
Her previous work experience really can't prove herself, which also makes her sad.
For her, what needs to be solved is not only a career problem, but also an independent problem-spiritual independence.
Needless to say, economic independence, because there is no income, money is what the husband reaches for.
Her independence is to be independent from her parents and husband and become a mature person, so that they can trust and rest assured.
She is eager to change careers, in fact, more hope that she can grow up, grow into an independent individual and get the respect she deserves.
But people around you can't see her desire.
No one can understand, and the heart is even more helpless.
I have also analyzed why stay-at-home mothers don't get much respect.
The first is the issue of history and culture.
Many countries have similar problems: in people's minds, raising children is a natural thing for women, and mothers will naturally not be paid, and their value will not be recognized!
No value, no respect, no status.
On the other hand, what kind of women are more likely to become full-time mothers?
1. The previous workplace was not very good, some didn't like work, some didn't have professional ability, their interest value was low, and their salary was not high.
In this case, the cost of full-time care for children is very low, so they usually give up the workplace on their own initiative.
Some people take it for granted that I have career problems now, and these career problems will be solved naturally when I have children.
But when I returned to the workplace, those problems remained unsolved, even more difficult than before.
Some people have a second child at home, which makes it more difficult for them to return to the workplace.
3. The sense of personal value is not high, the status in the family is not high, and it is not easy to return to the workplace after giving birth.
Because of the low sense of value, I dare not support myself with resources. If my husband earns more money, he will not be supported.
And those women who had a good career development before, did relatively few full-time jobs.
From the family point of view, they enter the workplace in order to bring more income to their families, and they will also use more resources (husbands, nannies, family members and parents) to support themselves.
From this point of view, being an independent, independent and powerful woman has advantages in any role!
This is the situation of stay-at-home mothers, and let's talk about working mothers.
After consulting, I found that working mothers are also very hard and helpless!
Especially the mother of two children, although many mothers have received graduate education.
Wang Lan (a pseudonym) is the mother of two children. After graduating from graduate school, she has been engaged in technical work in a large state-owned enterprise, far from liking it.
After having a second child, she really lost interest in her work and felt very tired. She extended maternity leave and the company agreed.
In order to better support their children's education, the family moved to the provincial capital city, but the husband's work place is still in the third-tier city.
She takes care of two children alone in the new city, and her husband can only go home for one day on weekends.
"At first, I felt I had to sacrifice myself to support my family. It turned out to be inappropriate. If I sacrifice, I will complain about my family, which is not good for the development of my children. "
Wang Lan is still an awakened mother.
"Haven't you considered letting the father of the child change the environment and the family live in a city?" I asked.
The separation of husband and wife is not good for feelings and children's education!
"In fact, some companies are willing to hire him, but he feels that he has stayed in a small city for a long time and also does some management work. The resources are good, so he is not willing to change. " Wang Lan said.
"So now it is equal to me taking two children by myself, and I have no time to spend on myself."
Wang Lan hopes to change careers during this gap, which is why she came to consult.
However, she found that there was very little time left for herself, and even the consultation had to wait for the children to go to bed, and it was held after 10 in the evening.
Although she didn't want to sacrifice herself, she made many sacrifices.
I suggested that she let her children play more during the day, take less naps and go to bed early at night.
She gave it a try and found that she set aside more than 1 hour every day!
She is very happy about this.
As an Australian consultant said at a seminar, couples in China will take the initiative to create separation.
I found it true!
When I was a child, my father left home to work and went home once a month. When I grow up, I find it unnecessary to move.
Many clients I consult are husband and wife, who are willing to be apart when they have the conditions to be together.
For families with children, women have to undertake all the childcare work, while men only provide financial support.
This makes mothers fall into a state of loneliness and helplessness.
Client Liu Yuan (pseudonym) lives in the same city as her husband, and her in-laws live very close.
However, she still has no time to herself.
The first time I consulted, I turned on the camera and saw a little boy sitting next to her.
I'm surprised.
She explained that no one is taking care of the children now, so she can only stay with her.
At that moment, I really felt that this mother was so difficult that she didn't even have a helper!
We can only reschedule the consultation until the children start school.
"I envy my husband because he can spend time cultivating his hobbies after work, and I don't have the time at all."
"Does your husband not do housework without children?"
"He rarely does it, and his relationship with his in-laws is relatively close. He sends his children to and from school, but they don't care when I get off work, and the rest is my business."
"It can also involve dad. Two children are not easy! "
"My mother-in-law won't let my husband do it. She loves her son very much and says that men should not do these things. "
There are still many women who have this idea!
In fact, Liu Yuan and her husband have the same income, and even higher education than her husband.
She wanted to change her job because she was dissatisfied with her development, but her family (mainly her husband and in-laws) didn't support her, so she came for help.
Liu Yuan has no position and support at home!
I saw Liu Yuan write about her mother on the role model. Her mother is a person who contributes to her family.
"My mother has been dedicated to her family all her life, and I have been influenced by her." Liu Yuan said.
"But your mother was born in the 1960s. She has no higher education and no career of her own. And you are born in 1980s, with higher education and your own career aspirations. Times are different! "
Liu Yuan was silent.
Liu Yuan was influenced by his mother, and her husband was also influenced by her mother, so it became a situation in which a person had time to develop his hobbies and revolved around two children every day like a war.
On the one hand, there are many traditional cultural reasons why mothers raise their children alone. On the other hand, it is also related to women's unconscious acceptance of grandmother and mother's parenting style.
But it is out of date, because women also have their own workplaces. At this time, women need to make adjustments.
In this process, most men are reluctant to adjust, because this kind of parenting system is helpful to them.
So for mothers, how to break the lonely journey of parenting?
1. Communicate with your lover and let dad join the parenting team from the beginning. The more economically independent a woman is, the more likely her father is to take care of her children.
2. Trust and cultivation of children and lovers, without agency. You don't have to do everything. Dad can't do it. You can train more times.
3. It is more important to let go of guilt and spend quality time with children. Many mothers feel sorry for their children if they don't accompany them. But in fact, children don't need to be accompanied around the clock, and quality is the most important.
4. Establish a support system for raising children. You can use hourly workers, nannies, relatives, baby nurses, etc. And you can also talk to the company about flexible office.
5. Self-improvement. Improve professional ability and internal strength. The stronger your ability, the stronger your inner strength, the more external resources you attract, and many problems can be solved quickly.
Other methods can be found in the international nuclear accident grade article "Hot search for postpartum Papi sauce: What efforts does it take to be an excellent working mother? 》
Women play an important role in the cultivation of life. We can create life, but men can't.
We can also bring this creativity and strength to the process of raising children and create a better experience for ourselves, our loved ones and our children.
Fathers are full of responsibility and love, children are unconditionally accepted, husband and wife support and understand each other, and mothers are more and more tolerant and powerful. ...
The whole family is flowing with love.
It is this kind of creation that breaks the unconscious for thousands of years and makes us feel joy and love in the process of gestating life, which is also a kind of nourishment for ourselves.
When you can't find the environment, let's create it together!
When more and more people create, it becomes a reality.
Author: Teacher wang hong
Torch career? founder
Chinese career planner, senior career planning consultant.
Author of career planning book Awakening
As the pioneer of career planning in China, he has been engaged in career planning consulting since 20 10, and has accumulated nearly 1,000 cases in career consulting in recent 10 years, and has rich practical experience in career consulting.
Teacher wang hong has traveled all over 16 countries, spanning five continents, participated in the overseas volunteer program 18 months, worked in the United States 1 year, and worked in Malawi, Africa for 6 months, becoming the first China person to participate in the program in the United States.
From 2065438 to September 2007, a practical case supervision class for career planning was set up to train practical career planners;
20 17, 10, the first female career growth platform was established in China, and there are currently more than 3,000 online women;
2065438+June 2008, Nanding class for female annual career growth was established, with 440+ students in two phases;
2065438+In August 2008, a career planning advisory group was established with 5 consultants;
20 18 12 launched a new book on career planning, Awakening: Designing the Life You Want;
20 19 1 establish the torch consultant club to provide a communication platform for domestic career planning consultants;
2065438+In March 2009, a practical training class (basic class) for career planners was set up to train novice consultants.