A promise as good as a promise: I sent a book to the children. When I was about to forget it, I received a letter from Li Zhuang, which contained three layers of reading answers.

Hello, I see that your question has not been answered for a long time, but if the question is not answered within the time limit, no one will be deducted and your reward points will be confiscated! So I'll give you a few suggestions: First, if your question is too difficult and professional for anyone to understand, you can go to relevant professional forums for help; Second, your problem needs a long discussion and a long time, but your reward points are too few, and few people are willing to spend time. I suggest you increase the reward points to attract more people to answer your questions. Third, your question time is not appropriate, and it is also a reason that the question is pushed out by the person who asks the question later! You can ask intermediate questions at staggered peak hours. Fourth, we can pay attention to choosing the correct classification in order to get answers from relevant professionals. If the classification is correct and no one answers, you can increase the reward points. 1. Cultivate children's enthusiasm. I have two daughters. Li Dening, a 16-year-old daughter, is good at literature and poetry, while Li Deting, a 12-year-old daughter, is confident and lively and good at writing. They are all my pride. What I often say to them is that being my daughter doesn't have to be excellent, but it must be positive. I don't think it's a good thing that children are just obedient. There are many principles to be paid attention to in raising children, but if I can only choose the most important one, I will say that it is to cultivate children's enthusiasm. With enthusiasm, rationality, happiness, self-confidence and other qualities will naturally be mastered. The main reason is that the world today is different. Children who are passive, obedient or afraid of punishment often feel confused and at a loss when they enter the society, and they will habitually need others to tell them what to do. But when a child is motivated, whether he wants to study, practice learning how to find a job or find interest, he can arrange other things by himself. When you are motivated, you can design it yourself. Although we parents want to take care of our children all our lives, it is important to cultivate their initiative and independence. Of course, you don't mean that the child is three years old and you have to let him be independent. When children still can't tell right from wrong, parents still need counseling, but parents should learn to let go slowly and let children make their own decisions slowly. Many parents want their children to be good. If they are good, they will obey. Obedience means you do whatever you are told. From this perspective, I don't want my children to be too good. On the contrary, I hope they have the ability to think independently. Being the best child is by no means my goal of raising children. But if being a good person is considerate and polite, I think these are still good. They don't listen to us because they know they have the right to discuss something with us. China people always regard "obedience" as a child's advantage. But I hope my children are not just obedient children, I want them to be sensible children. An obedient child may just follow blindly, but he doesn't necessarily understand the truth. You are reasonable, and reasonable children will listen. Isn't that what we want? Although I believe in heuristic education, I also believe that children need discipline and rules. Regarding "rules", I have four laws: First, make rules, but first make the rules clear and don't blindly follow them; Second, children have complete freedom within the rules; Third, children who violate the rules will be well punished; Fourth, the fewer rules, the better, in order to play an enlightening role. If you don't tell him the reason, the child won't keep it in mind because of the right or wrong thing. Setting rules does not say why, on the one hand, children can't learn self-discipline; On the other hand, children will position their parents as dictators, and there is no room for accommodation. If you make a rule that he can't accept, he will either think you are bad or resist to do something. These rules, if you make them as hard as prison, if children violate them, I will punish them, and children will become heteronomy rather than self-discipline. Heteronomy rules will only make children passive, and only self-discipline can make them active. I think these so-called rules may be needed more when children are young, but as children grow up, parents may have to learn to trust their children. Violation of the rules is punishable, but the fewer the rules, the better. The older the children, the less they need them. How many rules are there in our family? Actually, I can't think of many rules, maybe not more than three or four. For example, if they go out, we will set a time and hope that they can come back before that; Can't chat with strangers on the computer or on the internet; There is also pay attention to manners, especially to stand up when you see your elders; Also, be responsible, tidy up your room and take the bowl to the kitchen after dinner. These may be what we will ask. I don't think it is necessary to make rules for serious things like drinking, taking drugs and hitting people. It is clear that you can't do it. They also know that this can't be done, so we don't need to repeat it. But beyond that, we won't punish them immediately for breaking the rules. If they forget occasionally, the punishment will be too severe. Therefore, the premise should be clear, and repeated reminders are useless before considering punishment. In fact, children don't just listen to the rules when they learn from their parents. They will see what you do, not what you say. Every time a child does something bad, you will yell at her and even say something unpleasant. Of course, when they are angry, they will think that this is the way to speak. They will gradually learn these bad habits. So parents should pay attention to setting an example. 3. Create an environment where children don't need to be punished. My parents are both enlightened and strict with me, but I have been naughty since I was a child, because I am also very kind to my mother. I have never been punished for my naughty mistakes, but once, after boasting to my elders that I always got full marks in exams, "I didn't even get 99 points", in order to avoid arrogance, I didn't hesitate to beat me up in a family way when I didn't get full marks in an exam. I remember this very well. After becoming a father, I feel that any punishment should be avoided as much as possible. I'd rather let her have no chance to make mistakes than let her make mistakes, be found out … be punished. However, there will still be punishment. When the eldest daughter was young, maybe six or seven years old, she talked to strangers on the computer. At that time, we agreed with her that if you chat with strangers online or go to some bad websites and we find you, you might … for example, you can't use the computer for two days. This was when they were young, and now they don't care so much (laughs). Every time a child is punished for violating the rules, it is actually a blow to her heart. If the child violates the rules, there may be a reason. Maybe she is holding a lucky attitude; Maybe I feel that as long as I don't get caught; Maybe she said, I don't agree with the rules you made, so I want to rebel. No matter what the reason, whether it is success or failure, whether it is caught or not, it is a negative blow to children. So what do we care about? I'd rather create an environment where she has no chance to make mistakes. For example, we will put the computer in the family hall, in the middle of the kitchen, dining room and living room. My wife and I will always walk around these three places every day. This is not spying on her, and we won't go to her to see what she is doing, but she knows we are by her side. If you are angry, stop first. If you are angry and punished, it is not only a matter of making rules, but also a matter of mutual understanding. If she has a bad temper and yells at us, we will also consider whether it is because of puberty hormones and will not be solved by violence. If she does something bad, she must tell her, but it's the same with quarreling with adults. If you are angry, it is meaningless. If a rebellious teenager loses his temper, it's probably useless for you to beat him and scold him. It's better to stop here, and then you will ignore him and wait until both sides are calm before making sense. I have a bad temper sometimes, and I hope the other person can stop. It will not come to a good end if two people with bad temper quarrel together. Raising children is the same as getting along with others. No matter with colleagues in the company, or with his wife, brothers and sisters, whenever one party starts to lose his temper and becomes irrational, the other party must learn to stop. This is a more useful method that I gradually learned from my life. Yes, I also admit to hitting the child. About ten years old, everyone was beaten once. I was too hard on my children or hit them when I was irrational a few times before, and I regretted it afterwards. It is not that they have done nothing wrong and should not be punished, but it has had a negative impact on the relationship between father and daughter and their growth process. Physical pain can heal quickly, but if you break her heart and treat her so rudely, she will think, "Do you not love me?" Or the parent-child relationship will become a little distant. "You are my friend, how can you hit me?" Make them feel helpless; Or parents will think, "How can I be like this?" These situations will make me, or other parents (the same situation) regret it. At this time, you should make up your mind not to start work in the future. I want to discipline myself with 3% time and make friends with my children with 97% time. In fact, when I think about my children, I think about discipline and punishment at most 3% of the time, and 97% of the time has nothing to do with it. I think our main job as parents is to understand children and be their friends, and then to encourage them, help them, give them advice, be his strategist and understand what children are thinking. If discipline is regarded as the main means or purpose of parents to their children, in essence, parents are doomed to fail. For example, my eldest daughter will like to write some love novels and poems, and then I will try my best to help her revise and publish them, encourage her to write which one, and make fun of her, saying that this one is telling your own story. My little daughter is very naughty. She likes to take some interesting photos. I will also record some funny voices, shoot some videos and write some autobiographies with her. She is too young to type, so I help her type ... My little daughter often told me "I am so stupid" when I was a child. In fact, she was not stupid at all, but was maliciously slandered by her classmates, so I gradually cultivated her self-confidence. I think her diary is well written. In the past, my eldest daughter was very shy. She didn't understand some questions and didn't ask them. I set a measurable and practical goal with her: she raises her hand once a day and will be rewarded if she persists for one month. Then, we slowly increase the number of hands. So she set a goal, she must ask questions in class every day, ask questions she doesn't understand, and measure whether she can do it after class every day. Later, this goal was achieved, but she did not participate in class discussions except asking questions. In the next goal, she made an appointment to raise her hand at least once a day to participate in the discussion. A year later, the teacher noticed that she was confident enough to speak in class. 6. The first step to be a child's friend is the threat of impunity. My two daughters like shopping, and I have developed the habit of shopping. They like young singers in Taiwan Province Province, and I will listen to them! Whether it's a singer, Junior Idol or a new computer game, I will spend some time to get to know it. If you want to be friends with your children, they can't learn your language unless you learn his language. Without learning new knowledge, it is impossible to understand what children are thinking now. Treat your child as a friend and talk to him. You can tell him what you have experienced every day, or ask him what you have experienced every day. If he tells you what not to do, don't preach, don't get angry, listen more and talk less. When he feels that chatting with you is not a threat of punishment, he will talk about everything. At first, if he is a little afraid to speak, promise him not to be angry with him. In fact, parents should be friends of their children, and the definition is to say anything. You have to let him tell you everything, provided that he has enough trust in you. "After you say it, you can't scold me, criticize me or think I'm bad or bad." At best, you can listen to me or help me enlighten me, instead of punishing me as soon as you listen. I learned a lot about my life from my father and mother, but when my father was alive, he was not very close to me. After his death, I can only understand his thoughts or behaviors through my mother, brothers and sisters. I think this is a common father-son relationship in China. I feel that my father is a great man, but I have no chance to know more about him. Because of this regret, I try to spend more time with my children and try to be a father who can tell them the truth. I hope that when my child grows up, whether she is successful or not, I always hope that my child can treat me as a friend.