So today I want to talk to you about how to repair and maintain the intimate relationship in different places.
First, let's look at the types of long-distance relationships:
● According to geographical factors, long-distance love can be divided into different places in the same city, different places and transnational places.
● Divided by emotional links: Long-distance love is divided into long-distance love and long-distance love from the beginning, such as online love.
In either case, the biggest threat to intimacy usually comes from the word "different place", so what is the specific reason for breaking up?
1. Separation anxiety can cause a lot of negative emotions.
Many people will have some separation anxiety when facing separation. This kind of separation anxiety is actually a huge negative energy, which will be quickly transmitted to the other party through words, words and other means, bringing great pressure to the other party. And this kind of pressure will often become the last straw to crush the emotional camel.
So where did your separation anxiety come from? In fact, this thing has something to do with family background. It depends on whether you have formed a healthy dependence relationship with your mother before you are 3 years old.
For example, if your mother stayed with you every day until you were 3 years old and gave you enough companionship and protection, then this person's anxiety about separation is relatively weak, because his own psychological safety factor is high, and he will not resist and be afraid of separation.
On the other hand, if your life is turbulent before the age of 3, and you have fewer opportunities to meet your mother, such as common left-behind children and divorced parents, then this kind of person is prone to separation anxiety, because he does not have enough sense of security, and will be aroused by negative emotions such as anxiety, loss and anxiety in different places.
Therefore, for those couples who are not in a different place at first, but later develop to a different place, emotional stress often becomes the essential reason for emotional breakdown.
2. The lag of information exchange cut off the channel of * * *.
What do we say is the biggest problem brought by different places? It is a communication problem. On the one hand, information exchange is not timely enough, which often leads to lag; On the other hand, I have no time to participate in your life, and you have no chance to get familiar with mine. In the long run, the communication between the two sides on the same channel is getting less and less.
Take my own love relationship as an example. When talking about long-distance love, I was in different cities with my predecessor, and I only met once every three months. Sometimes she sends me messages while I am in a meeting. When I came home at night and remembered to reply, she was already asleep. For this reason, we always quarrel for a while. She thinks I don't care about her enough, and I don't think she understands me.
Later, we agreed to focus our communication time on video calls at 9: 00 every night. It was really good at first, and the relationship eased a lot, but after a long time, I gradually became speechless, you know?
Just a few words back and forth. What did you eat? Are you busy today? Are you tired? Let's talk about something else. The other party can't get your points, because he didn't participate in what you said, and he didn't understand.
Making a phone call later is like completing a task. I can feel that we are all tired, but we are unwilling to give up. What about six years? Are you willing to change? But in the end, she broke up. To be honest, I actually have a hunch.
It is this untimely communication that completely cuts off the emotional channel between two people. I especially want to know you and interact with you more, but I can't.
The uncertain future makes this relationship fragile.
I believe that as long as you have talked about long-distance love, you will feel the same way. I often emphasize one thing to you, that is, what is the decisive factor in establishing intimate relationships voluntarily? It's me and you. We have a bright future, or we have the possibility of a bright future, right?
If the future of these two people is dark, confused, full of uncertainty and instability, then I don't think anyone wants to establish this close connection, and no one wants to waste time and energy to experience an impossible thing, right?
This is why many people call long-distance love "gambling". It's fun to win the bet, but if you lose, everything you paid in it can be said to be wasted. Not everyone has the courage to block it, okay?
I tell a story of my friend. He and his girlfriend are also from different places. In fact, both of them want to be together as soon as possible, but both of them have stable jobs and no one wants to give up. Every time his girlfriend asked her when they ended their long-distance relationship, he always said it quickly, but in fact, he didn't quit for more than two years, and finally his girlfriend said goodbye.
What impressed me at that time was that his ex-girlfriend told him, "I'm 30 years old, and I really can't wait …" You see, this is why many long-distance relationships can only end in regret. In fact, it is such a sentence that the other party can't wait, and this uncertainty in the future will eventually consume your relations.
To sum up, what can be done to save this relationship in this case? My suggestions can be divided into the following aspects:
1. Don't be friends, solve the problem by beating around the bush.
In fact, I have said this method many times, but many friends always ask me "Do you want to disconnect" and "How long will it take?" I reiterate here that it is really not recommended that you disconnect the internet blindly without professional psychological knowledge!
In particular, you are originally long-distance lovers, and there are few opportunities for ordinary communication. As long as you don't bombard each other by phone, it is very easy to keep a normal contact. Since we can be friends with each other, why do we have to force ourselves into a corner and choose to break up?
What you really need to do is to provide her with positive emotional value while looking for a solution to your problem. Only by dispelling her concerns about this relationship will she reconsider the relationship with your.
For example, if the other person feels that there is no future with you, then you can make a plan for yourself, including some plans for the future, some plans for the future of both of you and so on. Let her really feel that you are hopeful together and make up for her inner anxiety;
Or there are communication problems between you, then you can learn some knowledge about men's and women's thinking patterns to help you better understand some differences and differences between you, and at the same time, you can formulate a more effective communication mechanism:
For example, it is agreed to watch a movie at the same time on a timeline, so as to increase mutual talk. Or when the other party shares trivial things with you, in addition to echoing, you can learn more about the episodes behind some things and try to communicate in time.
The solution of these problems may not make the other party change their mind immediately, but it can make the other party get more comfort and pleasure. We all know that the principle of establishing intimate relationship is comfort. As long as you can lay down this comfort zone, intimacy will be rebuilt soon.
2. Self-personality remodeling
I'm talking about personality remodeling or attachment type reconstruction. To put it bluntly, it's all about getting rid of the inherent intimate relationship mode brought by your family. If you can't change this pattern, then I will tell you that you can't handle any intimate relationship well. Even if you break up with this person, finding another one will not have a good result, okay?
Just like the separation anxiety I mentioned earlier, if you say that you can't change this psychological state, then the next time you encounter a separation event, you will still release a lot of negative emotions and let you fall into the abyss of the breakdown of intimate relationship.
Having said that, you may ask me how to change this psychological state and how to reshape my personality. In fact, there is only one word: learning.
Learn what? Learn to make peace with yourself and your family of origin. In this step, I suggest you find some professional people or professional knowledge system to assist yourself, because ordinary people rarely come into contact with such professional things as psychology and behavior, but these things are really helpful to your self-personality, you know?
I used to have this kind of separation anxiety myself, otherwise I wouldn't have broken up with my ex-girlfriend, but I didn't realize it at that time. I didn't have these concepts in my mind at all. Only after entering this industry, I read a lot of books and gradually enriched myself, and realized some problems that existed at that time.
Well, after I get better now, my wife and I won't have those problems before, and now we get along very stably. If you can be like me, you don't have to say the word "save", and the other party will come to get back together with you, you know?
3. Take meeting as the last aid to get back together
As I said before, the biggest problem in different places is that you can't see or touch it. Sometimes I feel guilty and feel as unreal as having a mobile phone pet. If you want to break the other person's mind, chatting online is not enough. You still need to meet offline to really let her feel your existence and change.
Of course, this step should not be impulsive. When can we meet? That is, the other person doesn't dislike you, really treats you as a good friend, and is willing to go online to share some of her daily life with you. At this time, you will meet again, which is the real effect of "composite force"
Of course, the reason for meeting should not reveal your purpose, and don't directly say that it is to get back together, so leave room for yourself and each other, okay? For example:
● "The company sent me on a business trip. Do you have time to have dinner together? "
● "Dragon Boat Festival is coming. I am going to visit you. What's your plan? Do you have time to get together? "
"My friend has something to call me. I stopped by to see you. How have you been recently? "
……
It is possible that this meeting, with the comfort of the usual line, will be paved and the other party will take the initiative to bring you back together. This is the most ideal result.
Of course, it is also possible that the other party is actually holding a tentative attitude, so you can't expose your sense of need, don't talk about recombination and feelings, talk about the status quo after breaking up, express moderate concern, and mobilize the other party's emotions with push-pull words. Believe me, this meeting will definitely make your's relations advance by leaps and bounds.
Finally, I want to tell you that there is a sentence on the Internet that I always think is right, "Long-distance love, after a period of time, can have a lifetime".
So don't give up when you encounter a little difficulty, thinking that you can't do it or the other party can't. In fact, the maintenance of feelings is not as difficult as everyone thinks. Healthy mentality+correct method, believe me, after recovery, the emotional bond between you will be even more invincible. Looking back on this relationship, you can also confidently say that you have no regrets.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.