Maybe you don't feel reconciled. It was mine. How did it become someone else's?
Maybe you are desperate. He must hate me very much, so he found someone else so soon.
In fact, no matter how fast the new love appears, your's breakup comes first. Theoretically, from so many consulting cases I have done, it is proved that it will not be more difficult to save this matter because he has a new love, nor will it be easier because he has no new love. The most important thing is that you should calm down, accurately judge each other's state, find out your own core problems, and then make proper countermeasures.
Do you know the famous "Schwartz thesis"? It was put forward by the famous American psychologist D. Schwartz, who said: All bad things can really become unfortunate events only if we think they are bad.
Simply put, if something happens and you think it is bad, it will develop into misfortune; It would be a good thing if you could see the turning point.
Isn't it like saying that an ex-boyfriend just broke up and found a new lover, which seems difficult, but actually contains opportunities? It depends on how you face it.
0 Correct understanding of new lovers First of all, let's take a look at the new lovers with seamless links. There are several situations:
First, this new love is the reason why you broke up. You are not the only one he loves, and he broke up with you because of his new love.
Second, he doesn't love you at all, because he doesn't care. As soon as the novelty is over, he quickly finds someone else. There is basically no "empty window period" in love rat.
Third, it is because I loved too much before that I involuntarily devoted myself to another relationship to heal.
As the old saying goes, "Only time and new love can forget the ex."
Psychologist Fraser also found that the more devoted and loving people are, the easier it is to seamlessly link a so-called new love.
I don't recommend saving the first two. The reason is clear, not worth it.
Then let's look at the third one. According to your own feelings, it is easy to judge whether the feelings between you are sincere or not. Any relationship that has really been paid, when it comes to breaking up, is likely to be exhausted after quarreling and hard work, and men generally show such a state in chronological order after such a breakup.
At the stage when he should have let go of himself, he quickly found a new lover, probably because he wanted to heal the wound quickly. This is the nature of people seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages.
Does that mean that he and his new lover must not go far?
I have always said that we should look at the problem comprehensively, not too optimistic or too pessimistic. Just like many people think that "seamless connection" belongs to the "rebound relationship" after breaking up, that is to say, your predecessor suppressed his emotions and started a retaliatory relationship in order to alleviate the pain of lovelorn, which is a bit one-sided.
Do you also take it for granted that he is not seriously in love with his new lover, but only regards her as a lifeline and forgets it after this painful period?
Speaking of which, I need to sound the alarm. The above knowledge may hurt you, although it comforts you.
Do you think, if they are a pair of people you don't know. So are they really in love? Although your predecessor didn't devote himself wholeheartedly, if Xin Huan is a person who understands his emotional needs and gives appropriate responses, he can heal his wounds in time and give him super emotional value. Who can say that they will not get closer and better?
I'm not saying that your ex and new lover will be inseparable, but I hope you can look at their relationship comprehensively and objectively. After all, recovery is a battle. When dealing with the problem of new love, we should ignore it strategically and attach importance to it tactically.
So what kind of mentality should we hold specifically?
I think we should be divided into two parts. First of all, don't underestimate your enemy. I don't think my ex and new lover are serious anyway. If they do nothing, he's still mine.
Don't take it too seriously, thinking about that new love, even personal attacks, will be very passive.
You don't even know her. It is not good for you to criticize her. Just to vent negative emotions such as jealousy, so that the previous experience is getting worse and worse.
Yi Shu put it particularly well: "Love yourself, be calm, and then love others."
Unless a man is green, can't stand the noise and is really angry, he will be disconnected. In the face of old love, men can hardly say rude words, and their attitude is indifferent to the extreme.
Believe me, even if you pretend to be generous, you should send your blessings. After all, breaking up is a fact. Let's accept the facts, reposition ourselves and pave the way for the future.
If you think it will have a good effect if I bite my teeth and send my blessing?
I tell you responsibly, I will.
Emotion plays an important role in the intimate relationship between people. Whoever is the emotional guide in a relationship will take the initiative, which is very important for saving a relationship.
For example, when you broke up with your ex, your mood was at a low point, and your ex quickly found a new lover, just to calm the negative emotions you brought, so his mood was slowly rising, returning to a positive or even rising period.
And your words, on the surface, obviously your mood has always been positive. Originally, you sent a message saying that he might have prepared a cold rejection, but it turned out that you didn't come to get back together. This unprepared will lead to his mood swings. Once his mood is led by your nose, it is easy to recover.
Analysis of advantages and disadvantages of both sides If recovery is a battle, then knowing ourselves and knowing ourselves can be in an invincible position.
What was your greatest advantage as an ex? What are the disadvantages? Where is the new love?
Don't worry, I'll analyze it for you slowly.
As an ex, your greatest advantage is that you have a deep emotional foundation with the other party, know him well enough, be fresh and run-in. You know the minefield, and you know the weakness, from his ideal life to the small details that he doesn't like lighting when he sleeps.
It can be said that it is very comfortable for you to get along again in a stable state by dispelling the negative impression and emotion brought by breaking up. This kind of comfort, is a new love can't provide.
And from the point of view of getting rid of the dross and keeping the essence, your self-appreciation has a directional advantage.
What are the disadvantages? Your biggest weakness is the negative emotions brought by breaking up and the irreconcilable contradictions in your relationship.
As a new lover, her advantages are freshness and positive emotional value. The disadvantage is that the running-in period has not yet passed, and a big wave of contradictions will strike during the running-in period.
I know you want it back, but the more you think about it, the more you have to slow down quietly. The real master is waiting quietly. When the other party reveals flaws, he will get a fatal blow and make him realize that "clothes are not as good as new, and people are not as good as old".
1) should occupy a "high position" in the recovery process.
Can you understand if I say that he feels guilty about you?
Listen to me. Oh, where does this guilt come from?
Whether the third person who appears during the period of love becomes a new lover or appears after breaking up, the word "seamless connection" is enough to make him feel a subtle sense of guilt when facing you. No matter from the heart or public opinion, he is the one who is wrong.
This will help you regain your psychological advantage. Don't speak ill of Xin Huan in front of him because of anger, jealousy and out of control, or say something sensational, such as "He can only see the smile of Xin Huan, but can't smell the cry of the old man", so that you will change from a sympathetic weak person to a "destroyer".
In addition, if your performance is out of line, he can easily rationalize his wrong behavior. No one wants to live with guilt. Once you make a mistake, he will excuse himself well: "It was because she was so unreasonable that I broke up/found someone else immediately."
We can't give him this chance to rationalize.
You should keep a high position in recovery, and it is also high to have the upper hand morally.
2) Differentiated value output
There is a visual phenomenon called "Mach band phenomenon", which means that at the boundary of light and dark changes, a brighter band will be seen in the bright area, and then a darker line will be seen in the dark area, which is the visual information processing generated by contrast. Applied in psychology, it can be considered that the advantages and disadvantages will be infinitely magnified when there is contrast.
We can take advantage of this and put our own advantages and the disadvantages of our new love together, and the advantages are better by comparison.
You must not imitate him just because he has found a new lover, thinking that he likes that type.
Having said that, I still want to emphasize that you must be confident. Some new lovers are not as good as their predecessors, and even have the shadow of their predecessors. The only thing is that she has now, which makes you lose confidence.
You should know that your greatest virtue is to share memories.
You must be completely different from her. The disadvantage of Xin Huan analyzed in the last article is to show your advantages in the field she is not good at.
Emotionally, it is the right way to provide differentiated value and own unique value.
(The following example may seem a little tea, but as long as it is the truest self and the truest feelings, don't worry. )
For example, if your predecessor is a person who likes independent space very much, then the new lover is in the period of your love, which will inevitably be a little sticky, so you will show your independence.
If the new lover doesn't know him well enough, you should be considerate. In the first half of my life, Lingling handed in the sorted materials in time when Chen was tired of coping with her work.
The new love is unreasonable during the running-in period, and can be adjusted in time:
She doesn't care how you feel. You've tried hard enough. Obviously you like to take it alone, but she is going shopping. But she is your girlfriend after all, so you have to accommodate her.
New love may fluctuate because of your existence, so you will always stay here quietly and calmly.
These don't need to be done deliberately, and the "Maher Belt Phenomenon" will make the contrast particularly sharp.
3) make him nostalgic: let the heart anchor work.
Clothes are not as good as new ones, and people are not as good as old ones.
My understanding is that people are not as good as old friends. One is that they have a tacit understanding, and the other is that they have many heart anchors belonging to old friends.
War and Beauty, the originator of Gong Dou's drama, fell out of favor with the imperial concubine of the Sixth Palace. When she was dormant in Yongshou Palace, there were smart ladies-in-waiting who wanted to compete for favor, and first came to her to test the emperor's preferences. This is the advantage of "predecessor";
Later, the princess's little princess fell ill and died tragically, so she had to hold her daughter who had lost her breath to the emperor and let him witness her death in her arms, in order to create an anchor who only belongs to them and "always remembers to owe her".
Heart anchor is a well-known concept in psychology. Simply put, seeing something will produce certain emotions. For a simple example, people in China like to watch the news broadcast at dinner time, so many people will feel the warmth of their families when they hear the opening song of the news broadcast. This is the heart anchor.
You and your predecessor must have a lot of heart anchors. How to start them?
Instead of directly asking "Do you remember when we first met ...", show it casually and sideways, and let him naturally think of your goodness.
For example, my friend's predecessor once offended a client at work, and her predecessor was particularly anxious when she saw that the list was dying. My friend, a very cheerful girl, is good at maintaining interpersonal relationships, so she found this customer through her relationship, invited several friends to accompany her, ate and sang, and planned to let her boyfriend pay the bill at last, and apologized by the way. That night, in order to make this customer happy, my friend drank too much and was hospitalized with stomach bleeding. The client calmed down and the boyfriend list was made. This incident also made two people unforgettable.
This time, KTV, wine, hospitals, customers and lists of the day will all become anchors in their hearts.
Later, they broke up because of conflicts. My friend just sent a photo of passing Ktv in a circle of friends, wrote the word "passing by", immediately received the invitation of his predecessor, and later successfully got back together.
I don't know if you understand this example. Is the beginning of this heart anchor very casual? Very passing by? Also very contoured? But the effect is direct.
So there must be something like this between you. The movies you have seen, the songs you have heard and the roads you have traveled are all things with good experiences and positive emotional values. This is also the greatest advantage of the predecessor.
4) Timing and posture of reunion
In any case, it must be difficult for the ex to get back with the new lover, so everything can't be delayed.
In the process of redemption, don't miss the opportunity to make an appointment with your predecessor, even if it is a friend's dinner.
Moreover, the foundation of the ex and the new lover is not stable, and it is really not lonely to seamlessly connect the initial experience. However, your predecessor rashly started a relationship with a new lover without digesting the "shadow" between you. It won't be long before you feel uncomfortable, plus your "god help" It is normal for him to regret wanting to go back to the grass, and the probability is very high.
At this time, you can't help but jump on it?
Don't. You still have to firmly say to him: "I am still here. If you know you are wrong, go back. I accept. " This attitude leads him to pay for you.
As we all know, the relationship between men and women is sometimes like a game. When the other side is eager to attack the city, it will mobilize most of its troops to try to prove something. Prove that it is more suitable for you, prove that you are not a fickle person, and prove that your initial choice is right.
It turns out that breaking up is definitely not a problem for one person. You have digested yours. In the process of returning your money, he will also find his own problems. "If I had done this, maybe two people would not have broken up." Believe me, anyone who has a long snack will have such introspection.
Only by guiding him through such thinking can the road after reunification go on for a long time.
I don't know. Have you ever played stud? You must have seen it in a gambling movie ~
There is also the psychological law of stud, which means many things, just like playing stud. Observe the cards in hand, predict the unknown cards and decide whether to call or give up. You bet on judgment, analytical ability and psychological quality, and you will have a chance to play poker if you seize the opportunity.
Isn't it like saving love? The situation is unknown, but anything is possible As long as you don't give up easily, even if the other party has a new love, it seems that the difficulty will increase, but as long as you see the cards in your hand, correctly judge the situation and seize the opportunity, you can successfully recover.
▲: A small psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.